Why do I want to bully the X?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Why do I want to bully the X?
I am mad at myself for continuing sending AXH emails from alcoholism forums and articles, He had NC for over 18 months now and it pis*** me off that he can go NC and I can't. That he is happy dating, moved on, and 17 years meant nothing to him.
I want him to get drunk and come back crawling to me but It is not happening,I am not even sure if he is still sober.
I have a better life now that he is gone but I am still so resentful and angry that I keep relapsing contacting him, feeding his ego.
No wonder he left, I am crazy!!!
Any ESH that can guide me!!! Pleaseeee
PS: I do meetings, reading, calls, SR, praying, gym, busy, busy but still find the time to torture him and ME.
I want him to get drunk and come back crawling to me but It is not happening,I am not even sure if he is still sober.
I have a better life now that he is gone but I am still so resentful and angry that I keep relapsing contacting him, feeding his ego.
No wonder he left, I am crazy!!!
Any ESH that can guide me!!! Pleaseeee
PS: I do meetings, reading, calls, SR, praying, gym, busy, busy but still find the time to torture him and ME.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
over a year with my therapist, this stupid crazyness just comes out of nowhere....I don't even want to go back to him, I had the chance and I told him no...only after a year of sobriety...well he has no come back, but has been busy dating, doing things that he never wanted to do with me.
like traveling, movies, eating out, camping, fishing, DANCINg.....I pray the serenity pray every second to take this emotion away from me...boy he is my DOC and I am such a codie, but why do I want to bully him, he plays the victim and I want to hurt him.
It is crazy.
like traveling, movies, eating out, camping, fishing, DANCINg.....I pray the serenity pray every second to take this emotion away from me...boy he is my DOC and I am such a codie, but why do I want to bully him, he plays the victim and I want to hurt him.
It is crazy.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Jealousy? You don't want him...but...you don't want anyone else to have him. We codies
become sick...if not sicker than the addict themselves.
I'd keep those therapy sessions up, sounds like you need to dig a little deeper into your
issues.
Don't dispair, just keep moving forward to a better, more at peace...you.
Keep venting...it will help.
become sick...if not sicker than the addict themselves.
I'd keep those therapy sessions up, sounds like you need to dig a little deeper into your
issues.
Don't dispair, just keep moving forward to a better, more at peace...you.
Keep venting...it will help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
I'm sorry you are going through a bad time. I went back and read a lot of your posts. I noticed you wrote this as advice for another person back in February. I think you gave wonderful advice so I will offer the same encouragement to you. Take care, my friend.
"So for your kids sake please help yourself and them."
"we do deserve better."
"Just have faith and trust your HP with all your might and he will take you over the pain and fear. "
"So for your kids sake please help yourself and them."
"we do deserve better."
"Just have faith and trust your HP with all your might and he will take you over the pain and fear. "
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I know for a long time I felt like you also. I was married for over 27 years. He treated me like I didn't even exist. It just p!ssed me off. What I realized was that I wanted "validation", I wanted "closure". I had to figure out that the only one that I was going to get this from was "me", never from him.
At times now, I may even wish him well, at times I want his new relationship to turn to sh!t, just like ours did, but most of the time now, I don't give him a thought.
Took a long time. I left him 12/2008, divorced 12/2010, and I am finally getting my closure.
The best revenge is to live a good life, and be happy...
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
At times now, I may even wish him well, at times I want his new relationship to turn to sh!t, just like ours did, but most of the time now, I don't give him a thought.
Took a long time. I left him 12/2008, divorced 12/2010, and I am finally getting my closure.
The best revenge is to live a good life, and be happy...
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
When I get frustrated at how long my recovery appears to be taking I try to remind myself of this. This is especially helpful when I am dismayed about how long I have been in therapy.
I am 35 yrs old. That means I have been in existence 306600 hours approximately.
Why do I expect my approximately 52hours a year of weekly therapy to quickly balance out all the other hours I have been so completely off kilter?
Somehow it helps me to feel more grateful for all of the balance those few 52hrs have added.
PS This can work for any recovery process that takes "time" therapy, Al-Anon, etc.
I am 35 yrs old. That means I have been in existence 306600 hours approximately.
Why do I expect my approximately 52hours a year of weekly therapy to quickly balance out all the other hours I have been so completely off kilter?
Somehow it helps me to feel more grateful for all of the balance those few 52hrs have added.
PS This can work for any recovery process that takes "time" therapy, Al-Anon, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 95
I was quite the bully earlier with my stb ex ah. He just bailed completely without even telling us he was leaving. I told him that I hope the divorce isn't final before he dies from an OD or liver failure, so I can collect the life insurance $$ and buy a new car.
When he finally did contact me, he was so full of hate and lies to justify his cowardly behavior. I let loose on him, basically letting him know that I am quite aware he is full of it. Of course it's useless, he is so sick right now that he isn't even living in reality. Just a few days ago, he was telling me how much he loves me, and I'm his angel. Now this complete and total hatred that I have NO idea where it came from.
So yeah I definitely understand where the urge to bully comes from. I try to remember how sick he is, how much he hates himself, and do I want my last words to him to be filled with hatred.
When he finally did contact me, he was so full of hate and lies to justify his cowardly behavior. I let loose on him, basically letting him know that I am quite aware he is full of it. Of course it's useless, he is so sick right now that he isn't even living in reality. Just a few days ago, he was telling me how much he loves me, and I'm his angel. Now this complete and total hatred that I have NO idea where it came from.
So yeah I definitely understand where the urge to bully comes from. I try to remember how sick he is, how much he hates himself, and do I want my last words to him to be filled with hatred.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
As Dr. Phil says you have to forgive him, not for him, but for you. The bitterness will cripple you if you don't get rid of it. Therapy, a person who is on your side would be great. We want the best for you too. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Your avitar says you could've been the best thing they ever had. No point to should've, could've. Maybe you were the best thing they ever had. They just didn't appreciate it. Now you are free to find someone who can appreciate. Hugs. Look forward, not back. You've got to let it go. You don't need it. I am divorced, believe me, I do know. Go into the light. Therapy can help you let go of the anger. Peace. My marriage counselor helped me so much with these words: He's not trying to hurt you, he's just being selfish, but it is hurtful and you don't deserve it. Those words helped me to move on. I hope it helps you.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
and whilst/perhaps before you are get to the bottom of the psychological reasons that you continue.
you could identify a number of practical steps that stop you doing this.
because I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here this course of action would constitute harrassment, and could lead to a jail term.
Something to think about: just as with an addict, there can be much soul searching and finding the truth, but first the behaviour has to stop.
1) delete his email address (chances are if has successfully maintained NC for 18 months, he has changed his email address anyway).
2) If that doesn't work (because you remember it) close your email accounts, give someone your laptop/smartphone for 2 weeks and go non-internet, until you have broken this habit.
you could identify a number of practical steps that stop you doing this.
because I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here this course of action would constitute harrassment, and could lead to a jail term.
Something to think about: just as with an addict, there can be much soul searching and finding the truth, but first the behaviour has to stop.
1) delete his email address (chances are if has successfully maintained NC for 18 months, he has changed his email address anyway).
2) If that doesn't work (because you remember it) close your email accounts, give someone your laptop/smartphone for 2 weeks and go non-internet, until you have broken this habit.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Select
Posts: 9
I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years. He was not an alcoholic. I always came after his job, his friends, his party girlfriends and basically everyone else. I let my selfesteem turn to dust. I left him and started therapy. I had the chance to work with a great female therapist who is my age, who managed to give my ego a boost, to make me focus on myself and my qualities, I would leave our sessions feeling completely reborn.
I am now in a relationship with a great man, he is everything the previous one wasn't, except... he is...an alcoholic. However, I have faith in our relationship and I know he can find a way to recover, I see him trying.
I often think of my ex, and I wish him all the best in my mind. I can do that because I found peace and, in spite of my current BF's alcohol problem, I am happy.
I wish you happines as well.
I am now in a relationship with a great man, he is everything the previous one wasn't, except... he is...an alcoholic. However, I have faith in our relationship and I know he can find a way to recover, I see him trying.
I often think of my ex, and I wish him all the best in my mind. I can do that because I found peace and, in spite of my current BF's alcohol problem, I am happy.
I wish you happines as well.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234
Maybe it's time to really let go? Be free ~ the 17 yrs were there for you, they meant something to you & like it was mentioned by others - you don't need him to validate those years, all that you did for him, to try to help him, save the relationship, all the sacrificies, the sleepless nites, years of worries, tears of pain . . .
You & your HP know ~
You are free to let go ~ go and enjoy this wonderful life that is before you now ~
Some people need a physical process to let go ~ maybe you are one of them - you could take a few items that to you represent the relationship, a picture, a memory, a written letter with all your emotions; all the things you wish you could say ~ make a box with all these things in it ~
burn it, bury it, throw it away - how ever you choose ~
as you do this ~ ask your HP to help you let go of all the hurt, pain, regret, anger, sadness, envy, love, hate, everything ~ to be able to just have a peace in your soul ~
it helped me and a few others that I know that tried it ~
maybe it can help you ~
Just a suggestion
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Maybe it's time to really let go? Be free ~ the 17 yrs were there for you, they meant something to you & like it was mentioned by others - you don't need him to validate those years, all that you did for him, to try to help him, save the relationship, all the sacrificies, the sleepless nites, years of worries, tears of pain . . .
You & your HP know ~
You are free to let go ~ go and enjoy this wonderful life that is before you now ~
Some people need a physical process to let go ~ maybe you are one of them - you could take a few items that to you represent the relationship, a picture, a memory, a written letter with all your emotions; all the things you wish you could say ~ make a box with all these things in it ~
burn it, bury it, throw it away - how ever you choose ~
as you do this ~ ask your HP to help you let go of all the hurt, pain, regret, anger, sadness, envy, love, hate, everything ~ to be able to just have a peace in your soul ~
it helped me and a few others that I know that tried it ~
maybe it can help you ~
Just a suggestion
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Do you have a sponsor? An alcoholic should call his sponsor if he is thinking about picking up a drink.
If you think you are going to send an email or something you know you don't want to do you should have a checklist of things you are going to do FIRST.. before you send it.
1. Write yourself a letter to read before sending. If that doesn't work then go to step 2.
2. ? (post on SR?)
3. ?Call your sponsor?
4. Go to Alanon meeting
5. Read all the stickies on SR
6... etc
You get the idea.... put 100 things to do (go to movie, plant flowers)
Now make yourself a VOW... a PROMISE... you will do ALL 100 things or whatever number you come up with before you send another email.
It works if you work it.
If you think you are going to send an email or something you know you don't want to do you should have a checklist of things you are going to do FIRST.. before you send it.
1. Write yourself a letter to read before sending. If that doesn't work then go to step 2.
2. ? (post on SR?)
3. ?Call your sponsor?
4. Go to Alanon meeting
5. Read all the stickies on SR
6... etc
You get the idea.... put 100 things to do (go to movie, plant flowers)
Now make yourself a VOW... a PROMISE... you will do ALL 100 things or whatever number you come up with before you send another email.
It works if you work it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Pink, That is such a beautiful idea. I am struggling lately with letting go, spiritually and emotionally - I do not seek him out but he is definitely taking up space in my head!! I am going to get a box together and put it in the bonfire in my yard. It's time. I love the symbolism. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by amy55 
I know for a long time I felt like you also. I was married for over 27 years. He treated me like I didn't even exist. It just p!ssed me off. What I realized was that I wanted "validation", I wanted "closure". I had to figure out that the only one that I was going to get this from was "me", never from him.
At times now, I may even wish him well, at times I want his new relationship to turn to sh!t, just like ours did, but most of the time now, I don't give him a thought.
Took a long time. I left him 12/2008, divorced 12/2010, and I am finally getting my closure.
The best revenge is to live a good life, and be happy...
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
At times now, I may even wish him well, at times I want his new relationship to turn to sh!t, just like ours did, but most of the time now, I don't give him a thought.
Took a long time. I left him 12/2008, divorced 12/2010, and I am finally getting my closure.
The best revenge is to live a good life, and be happy...
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I do pray for his happiness the way he chooses to be happy. I am willing to move on, maybe the universe will hear me soon and help me.
Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234
Maybe it's time to really let go? Be free ~ the 17 yrs were there for you, they meant something to you & like it was mentioned by others - you don't need him to validate those years, all that you did for him, to try to help him, save the relationship, all the sacrificies, the sleepless nites, years of worries, tears of pain . . .
You & your HP know ~
You are free to let go ~ go and enjoy this wonderful life that is before you now ~
Some people need a physical process to let go ~ maybe you are one of them - you could take a few items that to you represent the relationship, a picture, a memory, a written letter with all your emotions; all the things you wish you could say ~ make a box with all these things in it ~
burn it, bury it, throw it away - how ever you choose ~
as you do this ~ ask your HP to help you let go of all the hurt, pain, regret, anger, sadness, envy, love, hate, everything ~ to be able to just have a peace in your soul ~
it helped me and a few others that I know that tried it ~
maybe it can help you ~
Just a suggestion
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Maybe it's time to really let go? Be free ~ the 17 yrs were there for you, they meant something to you & like it was mentioned by others - you don't need him to validate those years, all that you did for him, to try to help him, save the relationship, all the sacrificies, the sleepless nites, years of worries, tears of pain . . .
You & your HP know ~
You are free to let go ~ go and enjoy this wonderful life that is before you now ~
Some people need a physical process to let go ~ maybe you are one of them - you could take a few items that to you represent the relationship, a picture, a memory, a written letter with all your emotions; all the things you wish you could say ~ make a box with all these things in it ~
burn it, bury it, throw it away - how ever you choose ~
as you do this ~ ask your HP to help you let go of all the hurt, pain, regret, anger, sadness, envy, love, hate, everything ~ to be able to just have a peace in your soul ~
it helped me and a few others that I know that tried it ~
maybe it can help you ~
Just a suggestion
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 46
ODAT, try a book called Getting Past Your Break up. It really helped me get my head on straight and move past my stbxah. I too went through a period of wanting to make him feel pain. I wanted him to feel MY pain. Reading this book really helped. Also the same author has a blog by the same name. Google the title and you'll find both.
Hugs!
Hugs!
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