battlescars

A few months ago i called off my wedding because my alcoholic fiance (I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until we moved in together) started coming later with lamer excuses and i assumed he was cheating on me. I left him for a few days (after a particularly obnoxious 8am homecoming) because I needed to get some sleep and some perspective. Even though he begged me not to go originally, when I came back from this break (which I came back saying that I still loved him but that some things would have to change, meaning the alcohol), he told me HE needed time to consider whether he wanted to be with me for a bunch of weird and random sounding reasons. I think now he just wanted to leave me before I could leave him; total control freak behaviours that were starting. So but now that he had the upper hand (since I was in shock and kind of considering the random weird sounding reasons he was making up and blaming myself) he proceeded to torture me for a few weeks by coming home whenever he wanted to, drinking more and more, telling me he drank because of me, etc, all while we kept up a public face about the wedding still going on...until he finally pushed me to leave him. His parents are religious and even though they know about some of this, they pretended to everyone that we were just not suited for each other (rather than to face the fact that he has some serious coping/drinking issues). After I left him I moved to another city and we reconciled briefly over the phone and emails. He told me he'd quit drinking and that he loved me and he came to see me and told me we would get back together. Because I still had hope that he was still the guy I fell in love with, I believed him. Eventually I found out that that was all a lie, that he started dating someone while I was away and was lying to me and to her about everything. I got pretty upset when I found that out and raged pretty severely because I felt conned. The best he had to say was "sorry I hurt you, please move on" and the worst was that I deserved it. All together: he has lied to me, about me, tried to ruin my reputation, convinced a lot of people that i'm crazy and that I made the whole reconciliation thing up, silenced me, stolen money from me... There was clearly a "protesting too much" aspect to this thing because if he really wasn't affected, why would he need to put me through such tortures? I still feel like a broken mess sometimes. It probably sounds weird that I would care at all but I guess the thing is we were SO in love before the alcohol crept in accompanied by his rationalizing and total lack of accountability. I can't reconcile the guy he was with the guy he became. I can't tell which part was a dream. I need some help figuring out how/why this happened so that I can lay it to rest and so that it wont happen to me again. I find myself wondering obsessively if he feels like he made a mistake, wondering whether he is happier without me like he said he would be (which, good god, we had a great relationship except for the drinking: i'm not jealous, insecure, naggy, boring, needy--any of those things; we never had any sex troubles, we always got along so well). I want to be over this but our "anniversary" is coming up and I'm worried I'm going to be depressed again. Most of my friends are like, "who cares!; the guy's a total loser/jerk" but I have the memories of the guy I loved so much which feel like hauntings to me now, and because my friends just say "move on!" I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about this loss. That's why I'm here I guess.

bonami

Welcome to SR! You are in the right place to find understanding and comfort. Others will be along soon with more insight for you but I just wanted to send you some strength.

And you are definitely allowed to be sad - it is ok to grieve for the end of a relationship, even tho you are ending it for all the right reasons.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR! Wow, what a ride you have been on. I am so sorry for that - no one deserves to be jerked around like that. But alas, this is what addiction does to relationships. They are dysfunctional at best, delusional at worst, and we come out the other end feeling completely mind f***ed.

Stay strong. Grieve in private or post here. SHare your story in AL-Anon. You won't find a lot of support from others who have not been involved in what you have - they just don't understand. So stick to folks who have - folks like us who can simply nod at your story and say "been there, done that" and have not only survived it, but are thriving because of it.

Keep coming back!
~T

battlescars

Thanks so much for the shout-outs. I think that's been the hardest thing. From my mother telling me that "break ups are just hard, dear" to people saying to "just move on" when having been in love with someone like that is so different from other types of break-ups. I'm not a kid. I've loved and lost before. I guess the difference here is wondering whether the person I loved ever actually existed as I thought he was considering the outcome. Do the ends always justify the means, type of question. Jekyl and Hyde type of stuff. The worst is what to do with the good memories. Like I've kept my engagement ring in order to prove to myself that it was real. It's hard to know which parts were real I guess. Thanks again!

NYCDoglvr

Of course you're allowed to feel sad. It's the loss of your dreams that hurts so much and I think grieving is part of the process of healing. It's a huge gift that you saw this before getting married. This isn't what you want for yourself, you deserve much, much better than this and you'll find it. My hat is off to you.