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letting stbxah get under my skin

Old 06-06-2012, 06:32 AM
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letting stbxah get under my skin

This is what I got from stbxAH this morning when he came for his mid-week breakfast and take the girls to school morning...

AH: "So, I want to say something but I'm really fearful to ask you for what I want because I am never sure of what your reaction will be"

Me: What is it you want?

Him: "I was thinking of asking to change days we had the girls this weekend but as I said, I am afraid to ask you for what I want so forget it"

Me: Okay.

And then I said bye to the girls and left for work . NOT about to get sucked in. And then about 5 min ago I get this text.

"u r a selfish b*itch, I try to talk to you and cooperate and dealing w u is like dealing with stalin. ur way or the highway. this is why i don't ask u for anything. self centered c*nt"

I will not respond obviously but my blood is boiling and I have had it with
a. his projection of HIS controlling, selfish behaviors onto me
b. the name calling
c. his inability to use the english language (u r type crap)

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 06-06-2012, 06:42 AM
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They really really hate it when we don't allow ourselves to get sucked in. You did great! The whole way he presented it was manipulation.

You're so mean and I'm so afraid of your reaction that I might as well not even ask.

Total attempt at manipulation. You were supposed to think...well, maybe I have been hard to get along with, so I'll agree to whatever he wants. But, BAM! You didn't do that! haha! Good for you!

:ghug3
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Old 06-06-2012, 06:48 AM
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Wow. I have had the same type of exchange. So crazy how the same things happen to us. I am proud of you for not engaging. I do and that's my problem. I am getting better but still sucked in sometimes.
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Old 06-06-2012, 07:00 AM
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sweetteewalls-- oh trust me (look back at my past posts!) i have been sucked in more times than i can count. if there is a prize for getting sucked in by the quacking and getting just as crazy as him, i think i earned it...

i guess in some way i still got sucked in bc it's pissing me off a lot and i wish i had the ability to go for a long run right now to get my frustration out!

i guess i am supposed to have thought "gee, i am such an intimidating presence that i make poor little ah feel scared to ask for things". the reality is that HE is the one who is the terror and i was afraid for YEARS to ask for anything. interesting how they distort reality to make themselves the victim and then actually believe it?!
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Old 06-06-2012, 07:05 AM
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I love the way you handled it.

Good lesson for all of us.

You are awesome, have a good day. xo
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:16 AM
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Good job on not asking what he wanted! I love it! It's so unbelievable how similar our situations can be. I just had almost this exact same thing happen to me yesterday!
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:20 AM
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(((wtbh))) Just add that text to the file to be sent to the police or your attorney.

Please try to remember that just because he says something, does not at all make it true!
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:28 AM
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This was helpful for me to read today as I dealt first thing in the morning with a rude message from XAH. Usually I take the high road and don't respond but I admit this time I gave a piece of my mind. I stayed silent around him for so long, being afraid of what he would do if I spoke up. I was actually shaky after writing back to him. Turns out I'm fine now! He wrote back some typical A blame/projection/victim quackery and I'm doing a pretty good job of brushing it off! I can see that he is delusional and that's his problem. I could keep being pissed off - but why waste my energy on that? He is just acting the way most A's seem to behave so I don't expect any different. I wish I didn't have to deal with him at all! I just pride myself on the fact that I was strong enough to leave him 6 months ago. And life is so much calmer in general. I actually LIKE going home to my mom's! No more of that gut-wrenching anxiety about what could be waiting for me at home
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:37 AM
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Oh my gosh, that is such crazy manipulation on his part!!

You did good! Pat yourself on the back!
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:01 AM
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Bravo, you're doing great in your recovery. I hope you keep posting, it's a great power of example.
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:32 AM
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He wants to change days for this weekend....

You know, my 1st wife use to pull that crap when we split. She wanted to switch visitation around based on what ever social agenda provided the best value for her. I said no from the git go, "I have them Friday, you have them Saturday, that's what we agreed to. I don't make plans that can't include the kids on days or nights that I have them." End of conversation.

Man that use to **** her off because it implied that she wasn't a good mother. She had the kids low on her priority list for a while there.
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:41 AM
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Jazzman- you know, what you describe fits him perfectly and i hadn't even thought of that as his motivation until right now...

He's done this before many many many times (before and after we parted ways) and I always assumed he just wanted to see if he could jerk me around and that there was nothing deeper to it than that. But it makes perfect sense that he'd want to change the terms of visitation that we have agreed to because a better social opportunity came up. The girls clearly cramp his style and it's nearly the end of his school year and this coming weekend is historically the big end of the year bash (that the past 3 years has resulted in his getting and staying drunk most of the weekend).

I suppose under different circumstances I might have offered to swap days so that he could attend the end of the year party (if that's even what he wants/wanted) but I don't feel one bit of guilt or obligation to accomodate his desire to get drunk.

Thinking about the reasons he might have wanted to swap days gives a whole new perspective to his claims of being afraid of my reaction and thus not wanting to ask. The reality is that if he said to me "hey I want to swap days so I can get drunk with my buddies" I'd obviously say no. So, he'd rather paint himself as a victim of my "reactions" than admit to himself that his reasons for wanting to trade times all revolve around drinking....

Got 3 more texts during the day in addition to the gem earlier. First the name calling, then guilt tripping and in the last one now he's reverting to threatening that I am refusing to communicate about the girls needs and that he is "documenting" my stubborness. He's such an idiot. He calls me a b*itch and c*nt and thinks I am going to reply to anything that follows? LOL!




that's precisely what I imagine is at the root of this... his drinking social calendar... why have the kids when there's opportunity to drink with
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:13 AM
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You rock! I love your response: "Okay". Talk about putting it back on him by simply refusing to absorb anything or get sucked in.

Good for you for making him accountable for communicating like an adult. Which he apparently can't do, lol!
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Him: "I was thinking of asking to change days we had the girls this weekend but as I said, I am afraid to ask you for what I want so forget it"

Me: Okay.
High five!

Sorry you had to deal with that but man did you do a great job.

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Old 06-06-2012, 11:24 AM
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thanks for the support all... intellectually i knew i did the right thing but when i typed this out this morning i was definitely feeling a wave of guilt and "gee maybe he is right" a teeny bit...

i said to my therapist just yesterday that i'd finally (not like this is earth shattering enlightenment though for me i guess it is!) realized that the reason his crap sucked me in and led to my defending myself for so long (always in vain) is because a) he would always say something that had a ring of truth to it in his insults-- they were never so outrageous that it wasn't possible and i'd doubt myself and what i knew to be true and also, he'd play on the very things he knew i was told as a kid (that i was selfish, that i was too needy, that i was too emotional etc...). he'd always make the insults and attacks resemble the very things he knew were my self doubts (that i have worked hard to not believe about myself) and therefore they had a lot more pull on me than if he hurled insults that didn't have a deep rooted history with me...

i really think that having that conversation with my therapist yesterday and that awareness being in the forefront of my mind helped a lot with my ability to just let it go this morning.
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:27 AM
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I love #3. This texting shorthand from grown ups is totally annoying. It's ok when my 15 year old does it - and amazingly she doesn't do it with me. But from grown ups? DId we not learn to spell already? Ugh...such a pet peeve.

You did so good here. Yes, you have no requirement to answer abusive text messages. I love the way he set you up on this one. So childish...and you saw the game for what it is and refused to play. Way to go, WTBH! Well played on your part.

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Old 06-06-2012, 11:39 AM
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Tuffgirl- Thanks! I was griping about #3 in jest in part (though it really does irritate me to no end) since I don't want to offend any shorthand friends on here!

I work with teenagers and do a lot of writing tutoring with them so it's likely that my annoyance with the u r and 2 instead of to, too or two is simply because I spend my days trying to explain the english language to teens who think I'm ridiculous for caring about grammar and word choice!

AH is a high school teacher too actually and is mr. red pen harsh critic of student writing, yet is a moron himself when it comes 2 how 2 write (ha ha ha)

Off to get the girls...
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:44 AM
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I like what JazzMan said. If you stick to the agreement then there is no need for anyone to get upset. He agreed, you agreed, life is good.

Good job not engaging. Your recovery is shining through.



Your friend,
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Old 06-06-2012, 01:12 PM
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Good for you the way you handled it. I too am getting the hang of it as well...not getting sucked in is SO hard but YEH for you !! It's amazing how they react when you don't react.
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Old 06-06-2012, 02:22 PM
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awesome job not dancing to the quacking tune!!!

now you can just realize he was going to have an arguement with or without you ~ good job not joining him!!!

Keep taking such great care of you!!!

PINK HUGS
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