Alcoholic sister....need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: toronto, ontario
Posts: 4
Alcoholic sister....need advice
Hi everyone,
My older sister has struggled with addiction for over 15 years. She is now 32 years old. She was addicted to cocaine as a late teen and in her early twenties. As far as I know, she was clean for a couple years, when she met her then husband, but started drinking very heavily about 5 years ago. Her condition has worsened especially over the last year.
She drinks constantly and it is not uncommon for her to drink a full 26'er of vodka straight (which is her drink of choice). In the past she would drink so much that by the afternoon she is in bed and can't even walk or have a conversation. Recently, she will have a meltdown about every 3 weeks. My mom then has to babysit her for a few days and then she seems okay for a bit but then has another meltdown. She has been unable to work for the last couple months and is currently on unemployment.
This is a little off topic but she will take off on trips for weeks at a time leaving her daughter with her nanny so that she can go on a bender out of town and not have any responsibilities. She has also struggled with eating disorders since her teens and has been on anti depressants for many years.
The worst part if this situation is that she has a 3.5 year old daughter that is in her care (her daughter sees her dad every other weekend). She will drink when she is alone with her daughter and has driven drunk with her is the car. We found her drunk this morning and she was going to drive home (2.5 hours) with her daughter in the car...thank god we found her. I feel very uncomfortable having her daughter in her care...I am so afraid that something is going to happen to her. My husband and I (who do not have kids yet) have taken her daughter to stay with us on occasion because we are so afraid. My sister and I now have no relationship. I can't bring myself to even have a conversation with her because I hit my tipping point about a month ago. This pains me because I love my niece and want the best fore her.
There are so many things I could say to describe the situation but I think you get the point. Basically, there are huge conflicts between my family members on how to deal with her condition. She is a compulsive liar and always has been. She is telling everyone that she does not have a drinking problem and that it is an anxiety disorder so she won't go to rehab or AA. I have threatened to call Children's Aid on her but I know that my mom (whom I believe is co-dependent) would kill me. My father, brother and myself recognize that she needs to go into a treatment program but my mom disagrees and believes everything my sister says. My mom is afraid that she will lose her daughter if her issue is out in the open but I believe that she is better off with her father full time, or with myself and my husband than with an alcoholic mother that puts her in danger.
I want my sister to get better but my primary concern is for my niece. I want her to have a chance to have a great childhood.
How do I convince my mom that this cycle is not going to stop if she continues to enabler her daughter?
How do I deal with my feeling that my niece is in danger? Should I call CAS?
Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation?
My older sister has struggled with addiction for over 15 years. She is now 32 years old. She was addicted to cocaine as a late teen and in her early twenties. As far as I know, she was clean for a couple years, when she met her then husband, but started drinking very heavily about 5 years ago. Her condition has worsened especially over the last year.
She drinks constantly and it is not uncommon for her to drink a full 26'er of vodka straight (which is her drink of choice). In the past she would drink so much that by the afternoon she is in bed and can't even walk or have a conversation. Recently, she will have a meltdown about every 3 weeks. My mom then has to babysit her for a few days and then she seems okay for a bit but then has another meltdown. She has been unable to work for the last couple months and is currently on unemployment.
This is a little off topic but she will take off on trips for weeks at a time leaving her daughter with her nanny so that she can go on a bender out of town and not have any responsibilities. She has also struggled with eating disorders since her teens and has been on anti depressants for many years.
The worst part if this situation is that she has a 3.5 year old daughter that is in her care (her daughter sees her dad every other weekend). She will drink when she is alone with her daughter and has driven drunk with her is the car. We found her drunk this morning and she was going to drive home (2.5 hours) with her daughter in the car...thank god we found her. I feel very uncomfortable having her daughter in her care...I am so afraid that something is going to happen to her. My husband and I (who do not have kids yet) have taken her daughter to stay with us on occasion because we are so afraid. My sister and I now have no relationship. I can't bring myself to even have a conversation with her because I hit my tipping point about a month ago. This pains me because I love my niece and want the best fore her.
There are so many things I could say to describe the situation but I think you get the point. Basically, there are huge conflicts between my family members on how to deal with her condition. She is a compulsive liar and always has been. She is telling everyone that she does not have a drinking problem and that it is an anxiety disorder so she won't go to rehab or AA. I have threatened to call Children's Aid on her but I know that my mom (whom I believe is co-dependent) would kill me. My father, brother and myself recognize that she needs to go into a treatment program but my mom disagrees and believes everything my sister says. My mom is afraid that she will lose her daughter if her issue is out in the open but I believe that she is better off with her father full time, or with myself and my husband than with an alcoholic mother that puts her in danger.
I want my sister to get better but my primary concern is for my niece. I want her to have a chance to have a great childhood.
How do I convince my mom that this cycle is not going to stop if she continues to enabler her daughter?
How do I deal with my feeling that my niece is in danger? Should I call CAS?
Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
There is not much you can do to convince anyone to take action. The only thing you can do is take action yourself. The state is very helpful when you are concerned about minors nephews and nieces. They will even help support them, though I declined that.
The best thing you can do is help the child, she needs safety right now. Bless you for thinking of it.
I had many siblings but I was the only one to help my nephews. I started taking care of them on weekends when I was 12 and continued till I was 25. My sister would take off weekends too and I was left alone to care for them at her house.
I had custody of my nephews and eventually placed them in the custody of their father who finally stepped and took control. My sister was eventually committed for paranoid schizophrenia but we all thought it was just drinking. No amount of talking of course helped anything and only frustrated all of us.
The best thing you can do is help the child, she needs safety right now. Bless you for thinking of it.
I had many siblings but I was the only one to help my nephews. I started taking care of them on weekends when I was 12 and continued till I was 25. My sister would take off weekends too and I was left alone to care for them at her house.
I had custody of my nephews and eventually placed them in the custody of their father who finally stepped and took control. My sister was eventually committed for paranoid schizophrenia but we all thought it was just drinking. No amount of talking of course helped anything and only frustrated all of us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Oh, and start reading up on family dynamics with alcoholism. I learned a lot after my Dad was forced into treatment after he was arrested for trying to shoot my Mom. Everyone plays a part, your Mom is the enabler for sure. But this is a death of her dream right now. She will wake up but not until something tragic happens, better you move than wait for that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Hi theegg,
I have a twin sister who is an alcoholic, who has been struggling on and off for the past 20 plus years so I can completely relate to what you wrote. The lying, the denial. It sounds like your sister has not accepted the problem and I'm afraid until she does there is not much you can do for her. However, the safety of your niece is paramount. I can understand your worry. Where she is concerned you must do what you think is right to keep that little girl safe in my opinion.
Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself or other members of your family? You also need support.
I tried for years upon years to try & fix her or be there to pick up the pieces after her, I know now I cant do that and I have no control over her drinking. Coming here helped me understand her addiction a little more and was a God send for me and my own sanity. I love my sister dearly and she knows that, I have not turned my back on her, but I have turned my back on her addiction.
I hope you get some peace of mind and I am sure you will do the right thing for yourself & your little niece ....
I have a twin sister who is an alcoholic, who has been struggling on and off for the past 20 plus years so I can completely relate to what you wrote. The lying, the denial. It sounds like your sister has not accepted the problem and I'm afraid until she does there is not much you can do for her. However, the safety of your niece is paramount. I can understand your worry. Where she is concerned you must do what you think is right to keep that little girl safe in my opinion.
Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself or other members of your family? You also need support.
I tried for years upon years to try & fix her or be there to pick up the pieces after her, I know now I cant do that and I have no control over her drinking. Coming here helped me understand her addiction a little more and was a God send for me and my own sanity. I love my sister dearly and she knows that, I have not turned my back on her, but I have turned my back on her addiction.
I hope you get some peace of mind and I am sure you will do the right thing for yourself & your little niece ....
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
My friend - for yourself - get yourself to Alanon, it will help you.
For your neice - take the steps you feel are absolutley necessary to protect her. If that means suing for custody - DO IT - Don't wait until the bomb drops.
For your sister - do what my family did for me. Make her responsible for her actions as much as you can. This means letting her know that you don't want to have anything to do with her until she sobers up. Don't mince words. Make sure she understands why you are doing what you are doing. Accidentally leave A.A. literature lying around if you can. You can get this through any A.A.er or though a local A.A. office.
.... and if you believe in a higher power, it never hurts to pray and to ask others to help pray as well. I'll include you and your family in mine.
For your neice - take the steps you feel are absolutley necessary to protect her. If that means suing for custody - DO IT - Don't wait until the bomb drops.
For your sister - do what my family did for me. Make her responsible for her actions as much as you can. This means letting her know that you don't want to have anything to do with her until she sobers up. Don't mince words. Make sure she understands why you are doing what you are doing. Accidentally leave A.A. literature lying around if you can. You can get this through any A.A.er or though a local A.A. office.
.... and if you believe in a higher power, it never hurts to pray and to ask others to help pray as well. I'll include you and your family in mine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Theegg, I am so glad you are here asking these questions now. My sister is also an alcoholic, but she is 50+ years old. I've spent the past many years trying to clean up after her jail stints, legal battles, suicide attempts, police calls, and so on. If it involves drama, she's done it. What you're experiencing now is just the beginning, unfortunately.
If I had to do it all over again, I would NOT have done it. I should have sought professional help long ago to help me figure out how to handle the situation. As long as I covered for my sister, it wasn't very important to her that she get well. So it just continued on and on. Maybe if I had let her experience the consequences of her bad behavior years ago, she would be well now.
And lastly, think about yourself. Do you want to spend the next 30 years of your life cleaning up after an addict and all that involves? It's just not worth it. You can never get those years back.
Talk to a professional who can advise you how to get help for your sister's daughter. You can probably make an anonymous report to CAS.
If I had to do it all over again, I would NOT have done it. I should have sought professional help long ago to help me figure out how to handle the situation. As long as I covered for my sister, it wasn't very important to her that she get well. So it just continued on and on. Maybe if I had let her experience the consequences of her bad behavior years ago, she would be well now.
And lastly, think about yourself. Do you want to spend the next 30 years of your life cleaning up after an addict and all that involves? It's just not worth it. You can never get those years back.
Talk to a professional who can advise you how to get help for your sister's daughter. You can probably make an anonymous report to CAS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: toronto, ontario
Posts: 4
Thank you to all for your responses and support. I fear that this situation is only going to get worse before it gets better....if at all. I am currently seeking professional support for myself and I am hoping this will be a good first step for me after many years of ignoring the issue. My concern is obviously for my sisters health but first a foremost for the safety of my niece. I also fear the breakdown of my family....I am not sure if my parents marriage will make it through this as there is huge conflict between them on how to deal with the issue.
Currently I feel that my moms enabling and codependency is not allowing us to move forward and begin to deal with it.
Does anyone know how to get through to the person that is enabling? If my mom doesn't get on board I am sure the cycle will continue... And worsen. Thoughts?
Currently I feel that my moms enabling and codependency is not allowing us to move forward and begin to deal with it.
Does anyone know how to get through to the person that is enabling? If my mom doesn't get on board I am sure the cycle will continue... And worsen. Thoughts?
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
You can't really worry about your mom getting on board. You have to figure out what is right for you. I am so glad you are getting treatment. It will help. Do what feels right for you when it comes to your niece. 
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