Junjul

I've decided to seek help and deal with past issues, but there's one immediate question, that's taking up my mind.

As an adult child of alcoholic mother, I'm very cautious about everyone else's drinking.
I've noticed during past few month, that my boyfriend (we've been together 1.5 years) has started drinking more and more at home, even alone. He had quite stressful situations at work and also decided to quit smoking. Right now it's few beers every evening or few glasses of liquor. On other hand - I've seen him drunk only few times and it has been after parties with friends. And he never does the typical stuff - never drinks first thing in workday morning (he has however finished up leftovers in weekend mornings, if nothing was planned for day), never causes trouble when drunk.
Inside, I'm already closing off and preparing to run. I feel it very, very hard to trust him. It seems, that I've seen it once. Could it be, that I'm overreacting and already spoiling a potentially good relationships by withdrawing emotionally from them?

Katiekate

IMO your concerns are warranted.

I certainly would want to have a talk about that.

CeciliaV

I'm with Katie on this one - have a chat with him. My husband was never a morning drinker (that I know of), but the escalation, drinking alone, and multiple beers/glasses of liquor every evening sounds so familiar - it can be a sign of alcoholism issues, or it could be him having a difficult time dealing with stress and anxiety in a healthy way. You can't know until you talk to him.

Programmatic

Whether your husband is alcoholic is immaterial to the fact that his drinking affects you. Key indicators that you are affected lie in the detail you can provide to us on his drinking which shows where your focus is.

If I am focused on another person's drinking I am not focused on myself and am very susceptible to the distorted thoughts and emotions that come with participating in alcoholism which is possible even when I am not drinking. I have found Al-Anon to be a very effective means of countering the effects of living with alcoholism and in establishing a healthy focus on myself and detaching from the drinker's behavior.

That you grew up with alcoholism suggest that Al-Anon would be beneficial regardless if your husband is alcoholic (besides, his drinking is bothering you which is a qualifier).

totfit

Run

lizatola

Seconding what Programmatic says. Al Anon would be a wonderful place for you to find some answers and to guide you in figuring out where you stand. My father was an alcoholic and I am very sensitive to other people's drinking(not everyone, just people I'm relating to like a husband, family member, or good friend) and I realized that Al Anon was good for me even if I wasn't having issues with my spouse(which I am).

Keep coming back here and asking questions, journal down your thoughts and your fears, and in time you will find the answers you seek.

wicked

Junjul,
Based on my experience (I am an ACOA and in recovery for alcohol), you are not overreacting by withdrawing emotionally. Something in you is telling you this is not good for you.
Using alcohol as a relief from stressful (life) situations is a problem.
Drinking more, and drinking alone is a big problem.
Have you known an alcoholic who drank in the morning? I never drank in the morning, it would make me sick. I drank up to a case a beer a night, so I was still drunk from the night before. Actually, I was just wondering because people (non addicts) will say "they aren't drinking in the morning." When all the drunks I knew did not drink in the morning.
Sorry, I got off track there.

Being the child of an alcoholic makes it difficult to trust anyone. But, you also know a problem when you see it, and this is a problem that is getting worse. Please trust your gut Junjul, it will never lie to you. Other people will lie, alcoholics almost always lie, but please don't start doubting yourself.
The best thing for me was to continue with my meetings, and the doctor (psychiatrist for depressive disorder) and counseling to deal with past issues. Keep getting to know yourself, and find out that it is not your job to make it work, your only job is taking care of you.
Welcome to Sober Recovery Junjul, I hope you keep coming back.

Beth

Free108

I had the same questions about my XABF and I chose not to answer my questions for years. He also never drank in the morning, only after work, but then I would slowly carry on all night until bed time. Just a few beers or a few glasses of wine. Not rolling drunk, not out of control but now I underestimated the effect it was having on me. I was emotionally isolated, couldn't really communicate with him some of the time and started feeling like it was my fault. Over the years my self-esteem has plummeted. I should have left a long time ago but I also blamed my past issues on possibly sabotaging a good relationship...
If you're feeling uncomfortable, you might really hurt yourself not listening to that. I know I did.

Junjul

Thank you all for your input!
I'm currently observing and writing down all my thoughts and emotions surrounding this situation. Also gut feelings. It should became clear in a day or two and then we'll definitely have a serious talk with him.

Buffalo66

I would say this is your inner voice giving you a cue.
In my opinion, drinking alone, aside from after a particularly difficult day or event is a red flag.
I am not an alcoholic, and drinking alone was something that I rarely found to be positive at all. It is strange. It takes away any social lubricant qualities to the drinking and feels like medicating pain, passing time, or unhealthy need.

My RAH was the life of the party, and he was rarely a problem, then the disease progressed, and it IS a progressive disease. ...And he became unruly, angry, bitter, strange when drunk.

You don't have to wait for that to happen.

Junjul

OK, I confronted him and he got angry and withdrew first time in our relationship history. I see it as a clear sign of his problem. But I'm not ready to let him go yet and I'm not ready to move out right here and now. I think, the border of my acceptance is either affair or physical violence/prolonged emotional abuse.
For those, who decided to keep living together with your A's for one reason or another - how did you proceed to protect yourself emotionally and how long did it take for A to still be in denial? And how did you react? I guess, pretending, that everything is fine, is as bad as regular confrontation about drinking.

mcconnell922

hi, my AH has always drunk not heavily but like you said yours does, he also suffers with depression, but i think the depression is due to the drinking. we have been together 14 years and only now has it come to head he didn't drink in the morning either recently he turned to spirits and binge drinking, I don't know how I coped threw my self into work and friends and making sure my daughter was safe, looking back on it I shouldn't of just put up with but I was young and didn't know any different, I sounds like you know more because of your past. My AH was angry and defensive when it was brought up this was because he was still under the effects of alcohol. He now has just started his recovery, I find it helpful to find out as much info as poss go to meetings im due to start councilling next week which im skeptical about but will give anything a go to help my self. keep posting and good luck:ghug3