the miracle that never happened....

Old 01-02-2004, 10:55 AM
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the miracle that never happened....

Hi Friends,
Well as I expected the not drinking phase lasted only 8 days. I knew that it would only be short term. I guess what I was afraid of happened. I liked it so much when he was not drinking that now I am disappointed that it didn't last. I wish that I didn't care whether he drank or not, whether he was healthy or not, I guess I just wish I didn't care at all. What is it about when they are drinking that is so hurtful? Why do I feel the pain that he chooses to mask and not feel? How do I live with someone that chooses to continue to drink? Is there a way to avoid feeling this pain that I feel?

In addition to starting a fight about hubby picking up another 6 pack at noon, my son comes out and accuses me of being crazy for starting this fight. That hurts even more, and yes I know that the spouse often looks like the crazy one. Believe it or not I was feeling fine and cheerful earlier today.
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Old 01-02-2004, 11:23 AM
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Oh Rose.

I'll let the al-anon pros give you the advice because I'm new here.
But I can tell you that I've been there. (my mom) I even recall getting made at my step-dad for bringing up a time when my mom was drunk...I guess I was so starved for equilbrium, and I just didn't want to upset my mom. Like I thought I was protecting her. That if I stuck up for her maybe she wouldn't feel alienated...was this hoping that it would make her stop drinking? I don't know. But I do know that when they drink its hard to be closer to them....your son probably just wanted everything to be fine and by ignoring it...its a quick fix. I would give a look to my step-dad and tell him "you KNOW she's like this"! (implying: so don't say anything and rock the boat). I am not going to do this anymore. I'm not sure when I go home again how I am going to handle it, but I know I am not going to keep pretending that its okay. I will not attack her, but I am not going to lie anymore. Its only supporting her. I think you were right by making a point about his drinking again. It gives him accountability and shows that you are not going to be passive and support his drinking.
I am proud that you were strong enough to do this, even though your son didn't support you. Don't feel alone.

Luvnallthat,
Grey.
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Old 01-02-2004, 11:37 AM
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Hi Rose,

I'm new here, but can totally relate to what you say. I thought my husband had hit his rock bottom in November when I got the police to take him away and told him we were over. He spent 3 weeks away, in terrible pain and grief. I agreed to have him back and for 3 weeks he was so kind and so committed to his AA meetings etc. Now he is drinking again. I feel so desperate. I have to try and find the strength not to have him back this time. It's so hard. He is so cruel to me when he is drunk and thinks I am the unloving uncaring wife.

Keep reading the al-alon literature, it;s the only way I stay sane in these torturous days.

With love
Dove
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Old 01-02-2004, 11:27 PM
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Hi! I still haven't completely understood how it is possible to work Alanon and live with an active alcoholic- I give you so much credit- don't get me wrong. My AH and I just took a 1 month split- to work on ourselves. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through, I go through moments of fear of the unknown- will we get back together? if we do, will he continue to not drink? I wrote him a long letter the other night (3 pages) about all of the things I would like to change- no mention of his drinking, just my own sanity from living with 3 alcoholics/addicts and growing up in a family with 2 parents who are children of alcoholics. I need to resolve my codependent issues, and I am losing the fear that if he drinks, I will go insane, because I am so busy working on myself and fixing the behaviors I need to change. I am trying to focus on this, that if we get back together (which at this point I want to in a month but know I am not ready as of yet), I will be okay no matter what, as long as I take care of myself. I hope everything works out for you, I hope you can just keep picking away at finding your inner peace. Other than this, I too will leave this one to the more experienced recovering codependents (I would like to know how this is possible too in case it happens to me).
Peace in recovery,
Sunflowergirl29
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