Not Sure What to Do

Old 06-03-2012, 03:46 PM
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Not Sure What to Do

I'm sure many of you have asked this before, but...

My 59 year old mother developed a drinking problem about 6 years ago. She is not to the point where she needs alcohol to function every day, nor does she consume it in the mornings, etc, but she uses it to dull whatever is going on in her warped mind. She'll go for periods of time where she's fine, and then she has an incident. She cannot control herself when she has a drink, and she cannot tell me the reason WHY she drinks. I believe that it started after the death of her sister in 2004 -I do not believe she ever dealt with her grief. My sister and I are out of the house, have been for many years, and do not live close by. I know that this upsets her because for 31 years, her only purpose in life has been to be our mother. She cannot handle the fact that we are not her "babies" anymore. However, she drinks even when she is with us, so I don't know what to do. She has halfheartedly tried therapy, but she's too weak-minded to stick with it, and blames the psychologist when it doesn't work out. My father can't exactly commit her against her will, so that's not an option.

For awhile, it seemed like she was getting better, but then she had another incident when she was visiting my sister and I. We contacted a friend of hers who is a nurse, who I had hoped would be able to point her in the right direction. My mother claims that she and the friend talk every day, and that she is going to AA meetings, but I do not believe that is enough. While AA is a good thing, it is not therapy, and she needs to get a handle on WHY she started drinking in the first place or she will not get better. She doesn't seem to get this. She's not herself anymore to the point where I don't want to talk to her. It scares and worries me because she's older and not taking care of herself, and doesn't seem to get just how damaging alcohol is to your body from constant use. I think it's completely changed her brain chemistry. I'm not married, even at 31, and although it makes me sad to think she could possibly not be around for my wedding, sometimes I feel like I wish she were just gone. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but this has been going on for too long now. I am in the middle of a career change (going for a second Masters and everything), my life is very stressful right now, and I do not need this anymore. And all the while, she just thinks I am an ungrateful daughter, which makes it worse.

I know that I can't change her, I know that only she can change her behavior, but this cannot go on anymore. I can't stomach the thought of cutting her completely out of my life, because it's not like she was always like this. My parents almost never had alcohol in the house when we were growing up - it only started showing up in the house when my sister and I were both of legal drinking age and we were home for holidays. I see so many posts on here from people who seem to hate their parents, their parents are horrible people, always have been, always will be, but my mother wasn't and I want to wish that she won't be.
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:53 PM
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I know it hurts, but you have your own life to live. You cannot do anything for her until she is willing to help herself, which it doesn't sound like she is.

Welcome to SR. This is a place of support and I hope you will keep posting and reading the posts of others. It will help.
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Old 06-03-2012, 04:33 PM
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Thanks. It's just incredibly frustrating and sad when she cries and whines that none of us will help her, even though we've done EVERYTHING in our power over the past several years, and at this point, there is nothing we can do, because she needs professional help, which we have made clear. I was the one who thought to contact her friend and I asked her (my mother) if it would be okay, because that was the only other thing I could do to help, and she said yes. But that's all we can do, and she doesn't get that. I know that's the problem, but still.
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Old 06-03-2012, 04:47 PM
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What does she want you to help her with???

This sounds like the manipulation.

Guilt about not knowing how to help her.

My mother is incredibly manipulative , and it is so hurtful, my realtionship with her is awful and she doesn't even know it. I spent a lot of time trying to help her, suggest things to her, take care of her, 2 summers ago she got smashed at a party at her neighbors house, fell in the pool and went straight to the bottom, two people had to pull her out, then denied that she was drunk, that is when I told her finally that I was done, it's all on you.

Sometimes you can only take so much then you have to just move away and protect yourself. You are not responsible.

I'm so sorry for your troubles and pain, love to you Katie
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Old 06-03-2012, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
What does she want you to help her with???

This sounds like the manipulation.

Guilt about not knowing how to help her.

My mother is incredibly manipulative , and it is so hurtful, my realtionship with her is awful and she doesn't even know it. I spent a lot of time trying to help her, suggest things to her, take care of her, 2 summers ago she got smashed at a party at her neighbors house, fell in the pool and went straight to the bottom, two people had to pull her out, then denied that she was drunk, that is when I told her finally that I was done, it's all on you.

Sometimes you can only take so much then you have to just move away and protect yourself. You are not responsible.

I'm so sorry for your troubles and pain, love to you Katie
She cries that she wants help to get better, and she keeps telling us that none of us (myself, my sister, my father) have tried to help her, which could not be further from the truth. She cries that my dad has told her "I can't help you", which is TRUE! He can't, not at this point. She won't accept our help, we've told her that she needs professional help and we can't do it, so I don't know what else she wants from us. I'm sorry her sister died, and I'm sorry that we don't live at home, but her sister died eights years ago (and it was not sudden - cancer), and I have not lived at home since 1999, so she's had plenty of time to cope with all of this. Then she wonders why I don't trust her 100%, when she has not given me a reason to do so. I got her to tell me that she was going to AA, but she was very hesitant to even do that because she thinks that we are all going to criticize her, or something. She has not even told my father she is going. Why would we criticize her for getting help?! It only proves that the alcohol is ruining her mind and that she's not bent on getting better.
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Old 06-03-2012, 09:43 PM
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Your mother is an alcoholic. Not because her sister died. Not because her children have their own adult lives.

She is an alcoholic because she has the gene for addiction. No gene, no addiction. Every drink she ever had in her life put her at risk. Every glass of wine or champagne before you were born. Every eggnog with rum at Christmas. If someone has the gene for addiction (according to Dr. Drew) then that person is at risk with every intake of alcohol or narcotic.

Children do not know their parents' true lives. They think they do. But there is much they do not know. Many parents drink after their children are in bed and the children do not witness the drinking. Alcoholism can have a long, mild early stage which can last decades. Then it progresses to the middle stage. Sometimes a life change accelerates the progression to the middle stage and someone who seemed to have no drinking problems suddenly has them, visible to all. But in reality, the addiction was developing for years. If you read the book "The Addictive Personality", you will learn about these stages of the disease.

Alcoholics love alcohol, and they will not give it up until a series of painful consequences become so overwhelming to them, and they are so desperate to escape the consequences of drinking, that they enter recovery, the love affair with alcohol having become no longer a comfort but a nightmare.

Your mother will manipulate you so to divert your attention from the facts: she is an alcoholic and that, and that alone, is the reason she drinks.

She has grief, life issues, relationship issues, unhealthy patterns, of course, which she would have to address in sobriety. The less stress, the healthier the psyche, the more solid the sobriety.

But she drinks because she has addictive disease. And nothing you do or say will ever touch that.

So put a safe emotional distance between you and her--get a counselor if necessary, to process the irrational guilt and inevitable anger--and find your way to acceptance that you did not cause her alcoholism, cannot control it, and will never cure it.

Wishing you loving detachment from a life which belongs only to her, and is not now and never has been your responsibility.
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Old 06-04-2012, 02:49 AM
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and she needs to get a handle on WHY she started drinking in the first place or she will not get better.

this is what the program of AA does and it involves more than going to meetings and not drinking.
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Old 06-06-2012, 12:02 PM
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EnglishGarden, it's not quite that simple. The facts are that while genetics can play a role, they are not the only factor, and it is not always "inherited" (though the heritability for alcoholism is pretty high in families) - no one else in my family is an alcoholic. While she may have the 'gene' (and medicine is unsure that it is just ONE gene, but possibly many genes that can work together), that might mean that I too have the gene, and you don't see me drinking to the point of destruction. I know when to stop and I am a very light drinker. It doesn't mean that I will ever develop alcoholism, and I have had some pretty awful stuff happen in my life as well. But instead of drowning myself in booze, I go and seek friends' support, or go for a run, etc. With some disorders, they are not necessarily triggered until something specific happens, say personal trauma. Further, many psychological disorders can put someone at risk for comorbid substance abuse. This is why I think the drinking was triggered by the experiences - she was depressed for many years (and depression often leads to substance abuse), and that is when the drinking started. I'm not saying that there aren't both genetic and environmental factors involved, I think it's just a bit too generic to say "oh, she was "born" to be an alcoholic".
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Old 06-06-2012, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by chrissy81 View Post
My 59 year old mother developed a drinking problem about 6 years ago.

While AA is a good thing, it is not therapy, and she needs to get a handle on WHY she started drinking in the first place or she will not get better.
Originally Posted by chrissy81 View Post
While she may have the 'gene' (and medicine is unsure that it is just ONE gene, but possibly many genes that can work together), that might mean that I too have the gene, and you don't see me drinking to the point of destruction. I know when to stop and I am a very light drinker. It doesn't mean that I will ever develop alcoholism
Some alcoholics "develop" later in life. My 50-year-old (soon to be ex) husband did not begin drinking alcoholically until he was 42 years old. Who knows what all triggered it; all I know is he's a different guy now.

No one knows who will turn into an alcoholic and who won't, at what age, under what circumstances, and why. Look at your mom, who developed a drinking problem at 53. Was there ever a time when she was a light, social drinker who knew when to stop?

AA is most definitely about the "why" of why people turn to drink. Are you familiar with the 12 steps used by both AA and Al Anon?

As to your mom, you can't do much for her except focus on your own life and give her the dignity of living hers. You can only manage yourself. Best of luck to you.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
Some alcoholics "develop" later in life. My 50-year-old (soon to be ex) husband did not begin drinking alcoholically until he was 42 years old. Who knows what all triggered it; all I know is he's a different guy now.

No one knows who will turn into an alcoholic and who won't, at what age, under what circumstances, and why. Look at your mom, who developed a drinking problem at 53. Was there ever a time when she was a light, social drinker who knew when to stop?

AA is most definitely about the "why" of why people turn to drink. Are you familiar with the 12 steps used by both AA and Al Anon?

As to your mom, you can't do much for her except focus on your own life and give her the dignity of living hers. You can only manage yourself. Best of luck to you.
Yes, as I mentioned, my parents were not drinkers for the majority of my life; my Dad still is not; he may have one beer if we go out to a nicer dinner, but that's it. Growing up, there was never really any alcohol in the house - my parents didn't usually buy it unless they had guests over, and that was rare. And until my sister and I were of drinking age and would order alcohol when we went to dinner, they didn't either. My mother doesn't like beer, and she can't drink red wine because it gives her migraines from the tannins (my sister and I have similar reactions to different amounts of various wine). So it was just never really in the house. But even when it was in the house for the first few years, my mother handled herself appropriately. Her sister died in 2004, I moved to DC (7 hours away from my mother) the same year, and my sister moved down here in 2006 - and that's when everything went to heck. Regardless of whether she was "born" to drink or not, I am sure that this combination of events was a very large trigger, even if it is not the whole reason. Us moving was very hard on her, since she was a housewife nearly all of our childhood, never had many friends or hobbies and still cannot get over the fact that we are not babies anymore.

I am vaguely familiar with the 12 Steps, and I do know that there is a "spiritual" aspect to it. This is what concerns me - my mother is VERY skittish when it comes to anything even remotely religious (mentioning of God and whatnot, even in the most non-denominational/humanist sense), so I am afraid this will turn her off and she will stop going. Further, AA is NOT run by trained professionals - my mother's deep-seated issues require psychological help (years of unresolved grief and depression/anxiety), so I think she needs therapy, alongside AA which might give her the social support she feels she can't get from any of us.
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