Looking4ward

I'm actually more than one year away from my ex - my personal bottom. Thinking back, I would always get to a point in whatever I was doing - too much success, or the clear need for a new direction - and I would find some way to hide. I guess my ex filled all the nooks and cranies on that one. I got to play victim and hide at the same time. Nice deal, huh.

Want to say first that I am doing Much, Much better. I even actually started to apply for grad school (contacting people for recommendations). I'm pretty proud of that. Rather than talk, I'm actually starting to act... a little bit.

That being said, I just have some days - like this one - where I literally do nothing. Find myself trapped in the apartment, making excuses why I can't leave and getting totally obsessed with different Internet sites and so on.
I'll even admit to you, since we're here on this message board, and since you can't possibly know me, that I've almost completely screwed up my divorce proceedings. I haven't filed certain documents timely enough, and I guess it doesn't help that the X is an alkie drug user who always left everything to me anyway.
Why is it that I cold always take on so much when I knew he wasn't going to lift a finger, but when it's for my own recovery and life going forward, I can't lift a finger. Do I really care about myself so little?

Puli50

I know what you mean, its like being paralyzed. You feel like even the smallest thing is to much to do.

wicked

:ghug3Hello Looking4ward,

This is excellent for you. A little action is better than no action, and it can build on itself.
(It has motivated me to do something about my life I have put off for the last minute)

Oh my, me too. Trapped in my apartment, getting sucked into Internet sites. (I find myself looking for a good ole slap fest!)
I have thought about why I could do everything when he did nothing. I was driven by anger, anger although it scares me, it motivates me. I must find another way to motivate myself.

You do care about yourself or you wouldn't be working on grad school.
Next question is, Have you seen a doctor? One year away from your ex, that is really not much time, especially if you spent a long time with him. Maybe you are grieving?
But you mentioned something about the fear of success (hiding from it).
I have a fear of success too, and I would do less in order not to draw attention to myself.
I am setting my timer right now, and I am going to work on these papers until the timer goes off.
Be right back.
Welcome to Sober Recovery Looking4ward!

CeciliaV

First of all, big kudos to you for your progress and for starting on the grad school process! It's important to focus on *you* and I'm really glad to hear you're taking steps. I hear you on having good days & bad days. Some days, I'm super-motivated. Other days, I barely have the will to get out of my jammies, let alone out of the house. I swear, on some days, it if weren't for work & the dog, I just might stay in both.

For me, I think I'm so focused on getting through the now that I can't seem to think much about the tomorrows. I'm still with my RAH and working through every day, trying to do what I can to keep myself strong and to keep looking forward. I find myself looking back too much, and I get stuck. You obviously do care about yourself, but I think you may have spent so much time and effort taking care of someone else that you forgot how to take care of and focus on you.

Keep moving forward. Keep on with the grad school process. And some days will be sucky as all get out, but hopefully they will be fewer and farther between as time goes by. Stay strong, hugs to you!!

BuffaloGal

I understand. It doesn't mean you don't care about yourself. For me, it means I'm overwhelmed (even if to a casual observer it would look like I'm wasting hours checking out random subjects on the internet instead of getting anything done).

Ditto, I'll put forth the effort if someone else is involved, even if I'm wildly depressed... I drag myself to work and I do ok there... but just for me? Forget it. Right now I need so badly to put my house on the market, and I think of all the work that will be, and I sit there and don't do it. I spend hours reading up on random interesting things online, especially relationships, since that's purely a theoretical subject for me at the moment I never get tired of researching it.

Oh, but when I similarly didn't file papers for our divorce on time (it was in fact thrown out of court due to this) it wasn't the end of the world. I wrote a letter and it was reinstated. And then my ex did not get his notice b/c he'd stopped retrieving his mail at all. It wasn't only me being unable to do anything.

It does get better-- my experience is that initiative does come back, after awhile. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much when you have a day like this. Care about yourself by allowing yourself a break.

SearchSerenity

I'm definitely feeling the pity party. It's been 9 mons since my exABF and I broke up, but it isn't just our craptastic relationship. I've been thinking about all of my relationships (dating, parents, friends, etc) and how I'm the common denominator.

Looking4ward

Hi guys. I just had a really good al-anon meeting, so I thought I'd share some thoughts with you.

First, I don't want to make excuses for myself (e.g. "I need to give myself a break because..."). This is a problem for me because so often I avoid things and making excuses in particular is my weakest point. I want to go through the process of what I do when I avoid things to know more about it.

I've come to understand a lot in these last couple of months - about my Higher Self and believing that the Universe is ordered. These are HUGE steps for me.

Right now, I have a lot of work I don't want to do, yet must... and some work I Want to do, but am afraid of. It is in these circumstances that I Won't look, and then just end up visiting crap internet sites reading gossip and watching bad films (Really, yesterday I watched the Dictator AND Underworld)

'Course I do agree with Anvilhead. Sometimes, you can allow yourself to dissolve, or simply allow yourself to have a day when things just aren't gonna work out, or that you just aren't gonna be On, if you know what I mean.

Looking4ward

Anvilhead, then would it work the other way around, too? Could I say "I CHOOSE to complete the work I have been avoiding, etc...?"
Because I have no problem with saying "Aww **** it," and spending the day lolling around, but I have a major problem staying focused, eyes on the prize, knowing that my life will be better, more enjoyable, more lucrative, etc., if I just DO __(insert problem project here)___
So declaring days OFF I have no problem with, I just end up avoiding and distracting myslef (obsessively I may add) on days ON.