codat

Said No again to my son... He has asked me a couple of times in the past iif he could move in and sober up. I told him No, I could not be his rehab. First a bit of history, I lost my 32 year old son 3 years ago to an overdose. Lost my ex husband to drugs and now my youngest son, who has been through rehab and was sober for awhile is drinking heavily, a couch surfer, no job and a broken foot, wants to move in. I have spoken to him just 3 days ago about going to rehab and he adamently told me 'No, that's not going to happen'. Now, all of a sudden he says he is going to rehab, but they won't take him until he gets a realease from his doctor. He wants to stay here to heal and sober up. I gave him several options, none of them being to stay with me. I have been done this road before with other loved ones. They know me and my heart very well and they go right for it. He has places at night to stay, but now where in the day-time. I gave him the times and places of the AA meetings. They are almost back to back, so he would be inside, sitting and hopefully gaining some knowledge about his addiction. I did all of this via an email, that is how he asked me. I have not heard back from him.

My feelings are very mixed. I don't want anything to happen to my son. I've lost too many loved ones to addiction, but in walking that path, I also learned that I can not and will not be a rehab for anyone. I am not capable of that. I have my own health issues and the doctors have told me that stress aggrivates my condition. In my head I feel as though I did the right thing, but my heart tells me I may have made a mistake.

Guess I am just looking for confirmation....Thanks to anyone that reads this!

catlovermi

You are doing the best thing for yourself, and for your son, to let him deal with the consequences of his life choices, and dig himself out of any hole he has made.

To provide a pillow underneath him is to rob him of his process. It is an unfortunate truth that addiction responds primarily to pain. All the addicts with good recovery I've ever met have told me that they got the motivation to do whatever it takes for recovery from the gift of desperation.

Stay the course, mom! You are doing great! It does hurt to go against our parental instincts, but this is the right thing to do with addiction - leave them to their process and don't get in the way.

CLMI

CeciliaV

I applaud your strength - it must not be easy to say no to your son, but I think catlovermi is right...he has to deal with the consequences of his actions and choices. Stay strong.

Impurrfect

(((codat))) - I, too, totally agree that you are doing the right thing. Not only are you not his only option, you are definitely not his best option. I can only imagine how hard this is, since you've lost loved ones to addiction, but I can tell you that the main reason I got clean was because I was forced to deal with the consequences of my addiction and it got old. I will forever be grateful to my loved ones for that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

codat

Wow! You have no idea how much your words meant to me! I have tears in my eyes tight now! Like I said, I felt like I was doing the right thing, but my heart was just not going along with it. Such a hard place to be and I have worked so hard at my own recovery of being an enabler and codependent and a care-taker and for a bit there I felt like I was slipping back into that. I can't go back to that place. It is filled with pain, sorrow and disapointment and I hated myself when I was the there.

I did hear from my son. He sent me a message appologizing for the nasty message that he sent me. I checked email, phone and facebook and I don't see a nasty message, so I am unsure as to what that is about. Just as well that I didn't get it. In his message he said nothing about my suggestions of AA or contacting another rehab or doctors. He just appologized for the message and went on about how much his foot hurts and how he has nowhere to go. That was disappointing. I have not responded to him. I need to process his message and find the right words.

God I love him with every ounce of my being. I have learned through counseling, books and classes that I have to sepparate the alcoholic from the person and I have done a great job of that. Yes, I will pat myself on the back for that. It has been something I have spent 10 years working on. His father was a great man until one day, he decided to try crack. This was 27 years into our marriage. he turned into an abuse, cheating nasty man. I spent 3 years hiding it and trying to help. And then 4 years hiding from him out of fear. Our adult children hid me many times. They were devistated by this. Then 2 of them turned to drugs and alcohol. Sucks....but I can't own it!!!

Once again, I so appreciate you words. Your help means alot to me! I wish you all peace in your lives! I hope that someday I can return the favor!