I need advise and help with dealing with my alcoholic sister

Old 06-02-2012, 07:21 AM
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I need advise and help with dealing with my alcoholic sister

Hello,

Sorry this is going to be long----


I need some advise and it may be actually too late. My sister has been abusing prescription drugs and alcohol for a very long time. She is 5 years younger than me and she has been progressively getting worse. I had to admit her to a hospital because she was suicidal and had a blood alcohol level so high that it took 12 hours in the ER on IVs until they could admit herto a floor.
She stayed sober fo a short time and then started again.
She was arrested for disorderly because her husband made her get out of his car when fighting and she was so intoxicated that she went in someones car.
She makes excuses that she has a brain injury from an accident that she had when drunk, but it is clear that she is abusing. Her husband is an acoholic and abusive to her. She has refused my help. I offered her a home to live in away from him.
She has been arrested, hospitalized, in prison, and continues to drink.
She calls family members when drinking and verbally abuses them. When sober she is remorseful.
My daughter is getting married and does not want my sister coming to the wedding because of the scenes she makes. She also has said and done things to my daughter that are very hurtful. (when drunk)
2 weeks ago my sister, while in jail for probation violation, told me that she does not want to be invited to the wedding. She has also stated that when drinking. While in prison I tried to find a treatment facility for my sister. because they felt she was already detoxed she could not go to any - insurance wouldn't pay. My sister said she could do it herself. She refused AA meetings, refused to move, and as soon as probation was over she began drinking again.
Other siblings have had weddings and she always creates a scene. I have been the one who had to sit with her and try to keep her from outrageous behaviors. She has cried at the weddings and falls over in the pew, cat whistles while they walk down the isle, changes clothes at the reception table, and in general carries on. Then complains after that she didn't like her seat because the bride had her so far away from the family circle and ps I was there too!
Now, because I did not invite her to the wedding she is furious. She sends me texts and tell me that I never loved her and that I don't know what unconditional love is.

My question is - If she was only one month sober would a wedding where there is liquor served be too difficult? I am filled with guilt about this.
My aging parents do not want to be around her husband because they blame him and they know he is physical with her. To add insult to injury the wedding is on her birthday. I am a mess about this and know that I can't change things now. I tried to talk to her when sober but she wouldn't take my calls.
I explained to her that I want her in my life and that I will do anything to help her. I also tried to explain that it is my daughter's day and that she is having a hard time with accepting the things my sister does and says. My daughter rarely sees her - only at family get togethers and and my sister is always drunk. My daughter does not know her any other way.
Yikes I feel awful about this.
I am so afraid of what may happen to my sister if she doesn't get treatment.
Thanks for listening
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Old 06-02-2012, 07:40 AM
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I know it seems harsh to not invite your sister to the wedding, but sometimes people do things that are so unacceptable that other people no longer want to be around them. And by losing out on things, sometimes they learn that they have to change. Sometimes they don't. But they never learn if no one points it out to them and sets boundaries.

You have to consider the greater good: who do you want to disappoint? Your sister and her husband, who are the instigators of these problems? Or everyone else at the wedding who would be subjected to their outrageous behavior? Someone is going to have to be hurt, there is no way around it, and it's your sister's own fault, unfortunately.

I will let the other posters who have a lot more AlAnon experience than I offer advice on how you can best help your sister. But I hope that you find peace in your decision about the wedding. The fact is, it's your daughter's wedding and the decision is really up to her.
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:00 AM
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This is your daughters biggest day why would she invite someone who makes her uncomfortable. Your sisters behavior is unacceptable she knows this. It sounds like whenever she doesnt get her way she gives you a guilt trip this behavior has worked for her now she will have to find another way to manipulate you. Have you tried al anon? This may help you as this is classic addict/alcoholic behavior on her part
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by kpfinn View Post
Other siblings have had weddings and she always creates a scene. I have been the one who had to sit with her and try to keep her from outrageous behaviors. She has cried at the weddings and falls over in the pew, cat whistles while they walk down the isle, changes clothes at the reception table, and in general carries on. Then complains after that she didn't like her seat because the bride had her so far away from the family circle and ps I was there too!
Is this how you want to spend your daughter's wedding?!?

I'm sorry about your sister. I do understand what it means to love someone who is so out of control. However, how she behaves and the consequences she is now experiencing because of HER behavior are completely out of your control.

I actually didn't invite my alcoholic father to my wedding because I was scared of how he would behave.

This is such an important day for your daughter and for you too. I hope that you can detach from your sister and enjoy and celebrate what is suppose to be a joyful event.

All of the energy you're putting into your sister could instead be use to support your daughter.

Best Wishes,

db
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:49 AM
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Tears are rolling down my eyes as I read the responses. I so need this support. I have gone to Al anon in the past, but fear the emotions flow and I will be so tearful that I will fall apart. I used the link on this site and found the times for local meetings. I need to go.
Those of you that have responded have helped me more than words can tell, know that you are making a difference if only with me it is so appreciated.
I feel like I am mourning.
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:58 AM
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Look at it this way: you are off the hook because you are not responsible for the invitations: your daughter is the one deciding who comes to her wedding. And she has made her choice. Wisely, from what it sounds!
Hopefully this will be something of a wake up call for your sister. The best way you can help is to offer to drive her to rehab or treatment and/or offer to go to an open AA meeting with her. I agree with the others that alanon is a great way to learn about setting boundaries, (what this wedding invitation is all about) and offering support.
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:52 AM
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It's your daughter's day - there's no reason she should invite someone who would detract from what is supposed to be her happiest day. There's no shame in not including someone who would just bring drama and unhappiness. Certain toxic people were not included in my own wedding, and we were happier for it. Invite who you want - the only people that should be there are those who will share in your daughter's joy.
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:58 AM
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Its ok to cry and mourn it will make you stronger. You are not responsible for your sister not going to the wedding SHE is and she knows it. I'm an addict and I always knew why nobody wanted me around. I'm a little different than your sister because I was relieved when I didnt get invited. She may feel this way too but thinks this is the way she is supposed to act. This could be a defining day in her life consider it a gift and maybe tell her so. Good luck you you and your daughter dont let this cloud your big day
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