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So what do you do when you find out

Old 05-31-2012, 10:36 PM
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So what do you do when you find out

That the last 14 years of your life have been a complete lie? I
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Old 06-01-2012, 12:28 AM
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Ouch. Cry? Find someone to talk to, stat!
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:00 AM
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Personally I would post about it here, get to a meeting, call my sponsor or see a counsellor. I hope you're doing ok, please come back and post as the members here can offer amazing experience, strength and hope.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:21 AM
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My comfort in that was that although my H of 20+ plus years had lived a lie, I had not. My life with him had been lived honestly and sincerely, giving freely from a trusting, loving heart, while he lived a life of deception at the expense of trusting hearts. His life was a lie, not mine.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:56 AM
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It hurts so bad, I loved him, I thought he loved me. I saw a post here once that said something to the
effect of the alcoholic loving us, until we stop enabling them. Tonight I was hit with the cold hard reality of that being true. I didn't want to believe it. I feel like a fool.
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Old 06-01-2012, 07:36 AM
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You are not the fool angry wife, I bet like most of us you've been pretty darn spectacular.
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Old 06-01-2012, 07:53 AM
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I felt like a fool, doormat, pushover, etc.... The truth is he is the fool.
Active or dry As are just not capable of real deep love as they hate themselves. We trying to love them extra so they loves themselves but that only drains us dry while they are an empty pit and usual very ungrateful for it.

My XAB Even lied about what he ate. He was so insecure that he wanted to control how everyone thought of him about everything so he would lie. Then he knew he had built relationships on lies which further causes the self hatred, nobody loves me, I'm no good thing that addicts do...giving him a perfect excuse to drnk or do pills on a huge why me, nothing matters, no one cares pitty party.

Addicts lie and deceive themselves...so of course they will do the same to the around them AND many have mastered the skill on lying and manipulation plus us Codies are easy targets.

You are a wonderful and loving person who at times probably knew some things felt off but you trusted your husband.

BIG HUG
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:18 AM
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I understand what you're feeling and I did it for soooo long! Just before I divorced him when he was somewhat coherent I told him: "You will never know what you just threw away and what you are losing right now. I was the best wife, friend, lover, mother of your children, and on top of that a great cook. You through away all of it for your bottle, you don't deserve me." For the first time I think in our marriage he had nothing to come back to me with, and I began to believe myself what I just told him.
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by angrywife View Post
That the last 14 years of your life have been a complete lie? I
For me it was longer. What I did was I cried, started posting here, started Al-Anon, got back into Buddhism.

Then I began to pick up the pieces, I became my own best friend. I spent a lot of time just figuring things out. I am a good person, I am a loving person. I loved someone who once loved me and then stopped. I don't know why. I don't know why she turned to pills and booze. Nothing I can do about it.

It doesn't invalidate the love I had for her. After a year of separation and over half way through the divorce process I realize I still feel love for her. That's ok because that's who I am. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop the divorce. Doesn't mean I'm going to forget. I get to keep both parts, the good and the bad, the love and the anger, the joy and the pain. That's Ok as well.

What I am doing now is accepting me as I am. And that's ok too.



Your friend,
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Old 06-01-2012, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
For me it was longer. What I did was I cried, started posting here, started Al-Anon, got back into Buddhism.

Then I began to pick up the pieces, I became my own best friend. I spent a lot of time just figuring things out. I am a good person, I am a loving person. I loved someone who once loved me and then stopped. I don't know why. I don't know why she turned to pills and booze. Nothing I can do about it.

It doesn't invalidate the love I had for her. After a year of separation and over half way through the divorce process I realize I still feel love for her. That's ok because that's who I am. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop the divorce. Doesn't mean I'm going to forget. I get to keep both parts, the good and the bad, the love and the anger, the joy and the pain. That's Ok as well.

What I am doing now is accepting me as I am. And that's ok too.



Your friend,

Ditto to this above.

Every once in a while I go back to that place of wondering what the heck happened. I let myself wallow there for a hour or so, and then make myself go do something else. Because ultimately, I took a chance on someone, it didn't work out. I won't stop taking chances in life because of a few that don't work out. That's not the person I want to be.

I am glad for the good times spent with the RAH - when it was good it was the best I had ever experienced. Unfortunately, it was bad more than good, and that is why it is ending. But I am still happy to have some wonderful memories.
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Old 06-01-2012, 11:40 AM
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It doesn't invalidate the love I had for her.
Yeah. That.

Just because a relationship doesn't last forever doesn't mean it didn't have meaning. It has taken me two years to feel anything but fear and hatred for my AXH. I now feel compassion, and I can even on rare occasions tell the kids funny stories from our past.

Whatever it was to him, it wasn't a lie for you.
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Old 06-01-2012, 12:02 PM
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Oh lord.

I'd probably go all Miami cannibal on the liar.

No, wait. Not really.
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Old 06-01-2012, 12:13 PM
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Thank you for all the replies. Today I'm angry more than anything, he killed my fish and threw away things that belonged to my mother who passed 4 years ago. I'm sure I'll be going back and forth between anger and tears and everything in between. He won't let me get the rest of my things from the house. I don't know why he's so mad, he chose the bottle, I gave him what he wanted. I don't even want anything big, just my personal items, stuff that belonged to my mom, and my Christmas ornaments. He can keep the house, furniture, TV, computer, etc. I just want to start all over and build my own life. Ugh.
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Old 06-01-2012, 12:24 PM
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He won't let me get the rest of my things from the house. I don't know why he's so mad, he chose the bottle, I gave him what he wanted. I don't even want anything big, just my personal items, stuff that belonged to my mom, and my Christmas ornaments.
Have a list of the 'personal' items you are wanting to retrieve. Go to your local police station, explain to the desk sergeant that you need a police escort to get these things as your AH is very abusive and they will send an officer with you. Have boxes ready, so you can grab as quickly as possible and get out of there.

Many of us have had to do this over the years just to protect ourselves. It also seems to calm the other person down when we show up with a policeman by our side.

Hope that helps you to get your things.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:46 PM
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You do whatever it takes...

...to make sure the next 14 years isn't.

Whatever it takes.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by angrywife View Post
That the last 14 years of your life have been a complete lie? I
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Kiana View Post
My comfort in that was that although my H of 20+ plus years had lived a lie, I had not. My life with him had been lived honestly and sincerely, giving freely from a trusting, loving heart, while he lived a life of deception at the expense of trusting hearts. His life was a lie, not mine.
Kiana, thank you for this. I needed so much to hear that. It reminds me that I still must love and trust others even if they aren't always trustworthy. I still have to protect myself and my son, but I can learn to trust again in time. Maybe even trust my AH someday.
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Old 06-01-2012, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Kiana View Post
My comfort in that was that although my H of 20+ plus years had lived a lie, I had not. My life with him had been lived honestly and sincerely, giving freely from a trusting, loving heart, while he lived a life of deception at the expense of trusting hearts. His life was a lie, not mine.
Kiana - thank you so very much for sharing this perspective. I can feel the weight of my situation (15 years of deceit)lifting already.
Your words are perfect.
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Old 06-05-2012, 12:31 PM
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I was saying to think I overreacted, but then he went and left the country without saying a word to me or the kids. No goodbyes, no nothing. So I was right after all. No answers to calls or texts. He has become the dad who went out for a loaf of bread and never came back.
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Old 06-05-2012, 12:47 PM
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We alcoholics can be such P----'s.

When I was still drinking they referred to it as practising. I think I had it down pat and didn't need to practice. To survive as a practicing drunk we need to develop such incredible skills. Lying, cheating, beligerence and a host of others. I was all of that and more. We could be such loveable teddy bears when sober or when we want to con someone out of something.

All I can say to you, angrywife, is to protect your heart. We are what we are until we make an honest decision to change. Maybe someday he will change, but either way until he makes this decision for himself you are not only better off without him but safer too.
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