Is this reasonable?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Is this reasonable?
Do you think asking AH to not drink in the house is reasonable? I'm trying to work the al-anon program, and focus on me, and the drinking around our 4 kids drives me so crazy.
Should I be able to draw my boundary at not drinking in the house, since it's his house too? What kind of consequence should there be if he does drink in the house? Am I treating him too much like a child thinking like this?
I'm finding there is a very fine line between controlling him and setting boundaries.
Should I be able to draw my boundary at not drinking in the house, since it's his house too? What kind of consequence should there be if he does drink in the house? Am I treating him too much like a child thinking like this?
I'm finding there is a very fine line between controlling him and setting boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yes, but realize you are not making a boundary for HIM. You are making a boundary for you.
In other words, he can do whatever he wants, but you choose not to raise your kids around actve alcohol abuse. So...
The biggest and hardest thing I have struggled with in making boundaries is getting the knack of realizing that you must be prepared to follow through. It is almost worse to make a boundary this big, then let it fall through than to not make it at all, because addicts are like kids and they test and test.
I would say that you could get very very clear about what you are willing to live with, and what you are unwilling to live with. Take into account the kids and their mental and emotional and physical welfare.
Once you do that make out a list of possible things that will happen if you really mean it and he does not comply. It is not like a rule you impose on him, but a condition you choose to live or not live with.
Can he drink elsewhere, and come home poopfaced? Seriously? come up with the dinstinct perimeters. If he is not allowed to be slurring drunk around the kids, or maybe he just cant sit around getting drunk. Get clear on these things.
If you make the boundary and state that you will not tolerate the alcohol abuse around the kids, you must be prepared to follow through. What happens if he drinks? Do you leave with kids? Throw him out? Ask him to stay elsewhere until he can comply?
Then recognize that if you say this, and he drinks, but you back off and cave, it will be harder to make clear lines. You will have cried wolf. You can always try again. Its just my experience that they just get more crafty if they see that you have a crack in the veneer.
These are some things that helped me. And I did put my husband out when he was active. He was welcome to come home when he was sober. And he did...and guess what? I still made boundaries around things that I was unwilling to put our son through. And so now he has finally bought his own house. And he can do whatever he wants over there.
As long as it does not harm my sons heart mind or body
In other words, he can do whatever he wants, but you choose not to raise your kids around actve alcohol abuse. So...
The biggest and hardest thing I have struggled with in making boundaries is getting the knack of realizing that you must be prepared to follow through. It is almost worse to make a boundary this big, then let it fall through than to not make it at all, because addicts are like kids and they test and test.
I would say that you could get very very clear about what you are willing to live with, and what you are unwilling to live with. Take into account the kids and their mental and emotional and physical welfare.
Once you do that make out a list of possible things that will happen if you really mean it and he does not comply. It is not like a rule you impose on him, but a condition you choose to live or not live with.
Can he drink elsewhere, and come home poopfaced? Seriously? come up with the dinstinct perimeters. If he is not allowed to be slurring drunk around the kids, or maybe he just cant sit around getting drunk. Get clear on these things.
If you make the boundary and state that you will not tolerate the alcohol abuse around the kids, you must be prepared to follow through. What happens if he drinks? Do you leave with kids? Throw him out? Ask him to stay elsewhere until he can comply?
Then recognize that if you say this, and he drinks, but you back off and cave, it will be harder to make clear lines. You will have cried wolf. You can always try again. Its just my experience that they just get more crafty if they see that you have a crack in the veneer.
These are some things that helped me. And I did put my husband out when he was active. He was welcome to come home when he was sober. And he did...and guess what? I still made boundaries around things that I was unwilling to put our son through. And so now he has finally bought his own house. And he can do whatever he wants over there.
As long as it does not harm my sons heart mind or body
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
BTW, our son is doing really well, and his therapist tells me often how critical it was to keep the active drinking and other chaos out of his immediate world..So I think it really is worth it. NOt to mention YOUR SANITY. That is very important for you and your kids.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
That sounds more like a rule for him than a boundary for you.
What if he does? Then what?
A boundary would be more like "I will not be around you if you've been drinking. I will not allow the children around you if you have been drinking", and then figure out where you're going to go to "not be around it" when you follow through on it.
He really can drink all he wants, when he wants, where he wants.. it's up to you to figure out what you can and can't live with/be around/raise children around.
What if he does? Then what?
A boundary would be more like "I will not be around you if you've been drinking. I will not allow the children around you if you have been drinking", and then figure out where you're going to go to "not be around it" when you follow through on it.
He really can drink all he wants, when he wants, where he wants.. it's up to you to figure out what you can and can't live with/be around/raise children around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
I've asked him to drink elsewhere and said that if he is drinking, he should stay out until at least 11pm so the kids don't see him drunk.
The problem with me going elsewhere while he drinks at home is that he has a lot of places he can go where I don't. He grew up here, he has friends and family etc. my kids deserve a stable home and being elsewhere every other evening while daddy drinks isn't doing much for routines; supper, bedtime etc.
The problem with me going elsewhere while he drinks at home is that he has a lot of places he can go where I don't. He grew up here, he has friends and family etc. my kids deserve a stable home and being elsewhere every other evening while daddy drinks isn't doing much for routines; supper, bedtime etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"my kids deserve a stable home and being elsewhere every other evening while daddy drinks isn't doing much for routines; supper, bedtime etc. "
Exactly!!!!
You and your kids should not have to be compromised because of his drinking. The drinking is his choice. You also have a choice in how you want to raise the children. Personally, if it were me, I would send him packing. Recovery happens when alkies hit their bottom. ( sometimes)
I see his life way to comfy for any change at this point, ( again JMHO)
Wishing you strength, as you search for your answers.!!!!
Exactly!!!!
You and your kids should not have to be compromised because of his drinking. The drinking is his choice. You also have a choice in how you want to raise the children. Personally, if it were me, I would send him packing. Recovery happens when alkies hit their bottom. ( sometimes)
I see his life way to comfy for any change at this point, ( again JMHO)
Wishing you strength, as you search for your answers.!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Yikes, i reread my post and it was to late to delete the sentence, " the drinking is his choice" As one member so graciously explained, "Sometimes it's not a choice for the alkie" So while I retract his choice option, and without repeating myself, Just do what is best for you and your kids, he's an adult, he will either figure it out or not. You and your kids deserve a life free of addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by amy79 
I've asked him to drink elsewhere and said that if he is drinking, he should stay out until at least 11pm so the kids don't see him drunk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Well I texted him my thoughts (because he never wants to talk about these things) and I put that he's to drink elsewhere or else I don't want to live with him for at least a month. I've second guessed this as too strict, but it was already texted and done, so I will be sticking with this. He's been very respectful of this rule and has not drank in the house, and things are going really well here. 
I hope I didn't just jinx myself hehe
Thanks, everyone, for your understanding and justification!
I hope I didn't just jinx myself heheThanks, everyone, for your understanding and justification!
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