dancingnow

My RAH never verbalized that he would do whatever it took to make things better however, whenever I made a suggestion of something to do, he would do it and then almost demand that I should be acting a certain way because he did what I wanted him to do.

It took me a long time to realize he was not taking responsibility for managing his disease, nor was he taking responsibility for his part in our relationship. And it took me a long time to stop taking "responsibility" to "fix" him and "fix" our relationship.

Somedays I still do that. For the most part though, I can detach from what is not my business and that is letting my RAH do whatever he decides he wants to do to manage his disease and to have a good relationship.

If you do go to couple's counseling, I suggest someone who is trained in addiction. Truly, the A dealing with their addiction is what comes first and unless that is being addressed the relationship aspect has no chance.

Even with this, my RAH and I still dance around responsibilities.

For me, my responsibility is to be honest with myself and that means deciding if I truly love my RAH enough to want to go through this journey with him. Today, I can say I do. It took me a lot of work on myself to get here. My RAH has done a lot to be sober for 6 months. I'm not sure he's truly in touch with his emotions but he's working on it. I have learned to put boundaries in place so I don't have to deal with his drama and he is learning to do the same with me. ( I too can be a drama queen!)

I'm not sure if my experience speaks to you but it sounds like your pushing back on your AH and I just wanted to share that truly working on yourself and not concerning yourself with an A's decisions of what he does about what he wants or needs brings so much peace and serenity.

Alanon helped me a lot too.

Hugs and prayers to you.

feelingalone43

I agree that our regular doctor is not the right person to help my AH, but it is a first step, and one I hope leads in the right direction. AH says he will make a list of things going on with him that he will take to the appointment. It is up to him as to how forthcoming he will be with this doctor. I can't make him tell him anything he doesn't want to. I will mention how important it is to be completely truthful in order for this doctor to make the appropriate recommendations. That is ALL I will say, as this is now up to him.

Right now I don't feel manipulated, because I won't allow myself to be. We've been down this road before, but I've never been this strong and self-assured before so was more easily manipulated.

Thanks to all of you!