Buffalo66

So...RASTBexH is still rolling full speed ahead.
He is gleefully telling me all about the house he has just bought. Or he says he has bought...
I cut the conversation short, then got super weak and called back. I let it rip.

I know it was a mistake, and opened the door for him to admonish me for my continued "anger issues"

"It must be so hard to be so angry. I am sorry that you let your life happiness depend on another persons choices. I will pray for you." That was before he said that I was probably an alcoholic, too.

I have not had a drink since months before he went to rehab 18 months ago. I quit because I didnt need it n my life, and wanted to be supportive. I dont crave it, miss it, or even think about it at all. Funny that he would still be trying to label me an A, though.

We will have to discuss visitation with sons therapist. RAH went ahead and told son he has a new house! and he will have his own room! And there's a park! He said, it's OUR house! (HIs and sons)

I of course then had to explain that daddy and I are not going to be living together. I will live here with son, and son will visit daddys new house. If he does buy it.
Want to know what my 7 year old said?

"That's great for daddy. I would like to visit there, but he will probably want to trade it in after a little bit, like he did with the cars. Most people keep things for awhile before they want new things. "

I said.."yes. Normally that's true. We are going to just see what happens. It takes a while for all the papers to go through for a new house, so we'll see what happens."

I am consumed with bitterness and anger.
I am VENTING.

I just need to vent this stuff.

I am human. I have conflicted feelings. Thanks for reading.

chronsweet

"It must be so hard to be so angry. I am sorry that you let your life happiness depend on another persons choices. I will pray for you." That was before he said that I was probably an alcoholic, too."

Buffalo, that statement resonates with me. My A throws up the fact that I am angry often while he sits with a smirk on his face and a beer in his hand playing video games. For me, the hardest part about this relationship is the fact that A will NOT admit all the pain he has caused me. He won't admit that he knows how hard I have tried. Alas, I can NOT make him feel these things. I can't control him, never could. I have been reading a book called The Dance of Anger. It is really a great read. It is okay to be angry and bitter but for me, learning to harness it for a good cause has been helpful. It has helped me to realize (along with SR) that my feelings are normal, I am normal, I have just been in a bad situation for so long that I have to learn how to deal with it without trying to change someone. I can only change me! Goodness, it is hard work, but I have been doing a lot of self reflection and just trying to be the best parent I can be.

BuffaloGal

Yeah, funny, my anger problems went away after my aexh moved out. My level of p!ssoffedness dropped right off. How about that.

Now the sarcasm free comment: Granted, eventually, the space allowed me to figure out that it is better to walk away when a problem can't be solved, than to hang around and get angry about it. Now, the purpose of anger in my life is to tell me it's time to back off, and not time to run in and try to change everything... I did learn to take responsibility and happily I don't get that all consuming angry anymore, about anything.

My aexh remarried a woman who is extremely angry (my impression from dealing with her, and my daughter's details). Hmmm. Now, I wonder what the one thing we have in common could be...

Buffalo66

Chronsweet & Buffalo : thanks for the support. It means a lot.

Otherwise:

I followed the advice that was given to me regarding if a post is a VENT. I wrote that I am human and conflicted.

I do not need snark.
I know you have read the other posts about his manic behavior.
I will reiterate to anyone who writes, "And why do his actions bother you?"

BEcause we have a son. His actions affect me in every way. He has rights and I have to work With him on parenting.

I have been in a relationship with the man for 10 years. Almost two years ago he went to rehab. He is in psuedo recovery. It has been difficult.

It is not easy, or fun. We had plans to buy a house together.

I feel hurt and sad. My dream of owning a house with my husband is over. I KNOW HE IS a JERK who I do not want to live with but I AM HUMAN and I have conflicted feelings. Dreams die and we grieve. I thought this was a safe place to express my feelings around that.

I am getting to the point where I will not post here anymore. Some poor woman came on here this week and got reamed. I have been on this board for 5 years, and I still do not understand when people act so clueless about the different levels of feeling, denial, regret... Maybe you have moved past feeling hurt or angry. Maybe you have never had a conflicted feeling.

Some of us still do.

fedup3

buffalo vent all you want we've all done it here before. There isn't a right or wrong way of posting.

Buffalo66

I am touchy, to be sure. But I followed a thread this week that was a cry for help, and people just dragged this woman down.

I left the board for awhile due to SNARK. Snarky comments. Not helpful, not compassionate.

I am no dummy. I am not in denial. I am working on my recovery.
If you have kids and you cut your A out of your life thats what YOU did. If you didnt have kids please refrain from asking repeatedly after my posts, "And his actions are your business because....?"

If you have kids you understand. If you handled it differently, please share. LEAVE the SNARK out of it.

I seriously am getting the impression that some regulars on here are just flipping through posts throwing out sarcastic little bits at posters.
Read what I write. Please. Anvil, I know you are not "dense" and I know you can stretch yourself to try and empathize with how I might feel.

It was less than a year ago, he was medicated and doing great. I put him out 2 months ago.

Somehow, what I do to keep my boundaries and keep my son safe and whatever else is just not good enough for some folks over here, and all you can do is throw out snark?

choublak

He bought a house in the middle of divorce proceedings?

Buffalo66

NO divorce. Not even legal Separation. Just the 'you cannot live here while you are erratic' boundary that I made. Which I knew had the risk of him moving on.

He is spending money like a fiend. He is manic or some such. I am renting over here with my son.

He is talking about visitation. I am not clear about whether he is stable enough for that.
I dont want to go into a whole custody/visitation battle.Our son has health issues. brain tumor, possible tourettes syndrome. I am tired and he is rapid fire with the new this and the Huge life plans and changes.

I removed him from the home because of the chaos. I am going as quickly as I can, to make the life changes necessary for SERENITY, but it hurts when your SO buys the house you were saving for together.

NO matter how many meetings you go to, or how much you know he is not well.

changeschoices

He is rubbing his "dream home" in your face. Obviously, because he probably isn't calling up his friends/family and gloating like a self-centered jerk with no manners or modesty at all. Or maybe he is and he's just a total jerk, lol!

He is continuing to hurt you by rubbing the loss of your dream for a life together in your face. Then, just for added fun, he gets to accuse you of having anger problems and making you look like the sad, pathetic one after he goads you into acting out his own anger, fear, and sadness. Then he hangs up the phone and skips off, feeling much lighter after getting you to act out all his negative emotions, all while he's acting like the most happy, positive, charming man on earth. Barf!

I know you are hurting. And these exchanges with him are letting him continue to hurt and shame you. You have to see your conversations with him as an opportunity for him to stealthily continue abusing you emotionally and make himself feel better.

The only solution is to disengaged and be completely emotionally flat in your interactions with him. Grieve your losses with your family and friends; do not let your ex know how much you are hurting. It will only be used to kick you when you're down.

Go flat on him. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And grieve as much as you need to. You lost a dream, even if it was a dream starring a jerk as the leading man.

Buffalo66

Anvil, then why post something so flip?

"I must be dense, but why are you mad at him for buying a house?"

I am not mad at him for buying a house. I feel angry. I feel angry probably like you did when your ex moved on and acted like you were the big problem...Did you ever have a feeling of anger? Resentment?

Whats the mystery?

As far as whether he can provide a STABLE environment, that has NOTHING to do with the house. Its about his mental state. Which his behavior is indicating is getting a little goofy.

LaTeeDa

For me, acceptance was the ticket out of anger, resentment, and bitterness. As long as I was still wanting something I couldn't have, I was miserable and unhappy. Once I accepted that he was an alcoholic, we were no good together, and the marriage was over, those horrible angry feelings began to dissipate. It didn't happen in a flash, and it certainly wasn't easy, but striving for honest, total, complete acceptance of WHAT IS, has been very worthwhile for me and changed my life for the better.

I totally understand being angry. I also understand that you just can't "turn it off" by telling yourself you "shouldn't" be angry. It takes some personal soul-searching to dig out the roots of whatever is causing the anger before it can be let go. I found acceptance to be the solution for me.

L

Buffalo66

Jealous!? I am jealous?

You sound like HIM!

Are you so evolved that you were only angry at your ex for cheating on you and leaving you with a toddler for a "short period of time" ? Maybe it was longer than you think. Maybe you started a different relationship? I don't know what you did. It would seem to be normal if you were angry for as long as it was there.

I have not been EATEN up by my anger. I feel it today. I did feel it about his getting a bigger better job, planning to walk out on his family job, suddenly and with no warning, and then OF COURSE not even taking the job. (maybe you didn't read that part?)

Do you really believe that I am jealous of my unmedicated apparently bi polar3 RAH who I am not legally separated from, with whom I have a son??.

This is pretty new for me. We were doing OK, and he is basically broke, having bought two cars, a home, and quitting one job to take another that he then declined. Then jumping back to the old job, telling our son about the house he bought "for him" without going through the communication lines laid out in the counseling sessions. Big changes, big plans are dealt with THERE. BUt no. He needs to make a huge splash.

If I cannot come here and express anger and frustration at this erratic behavior without the snark attacks, ("Um...why is this your problem, again...?")

Then I guess the forum is only for completely recovered codies who have seen the light.

God forbid anyone still be conflicted. You will be accused of being jealous of your A. By the people in the SUPPORT forum.

I'm sorry that my consumption by anger is so upsetting to you.
M I to believe you have also never vented on the forum?

And my "way" has been wroking out. I make boundaries, I keep myself clear and go to meetings and sometimes I get ANGRY. So I go online to a support group and I vent.

I will point out here that you have not offered any different "way".

Just SNARK.

Buffalo66

Thanks LTD,
I am working on acceptance.
I am working on detachment.
I am working on letting go.

It's been a hard couple of months. The behavior has been shockingly erratic. Even for him. I try to keep my sons life even keeled. I think anger is to be expected. I think I am not clear and balanced right now.

When I first came here, I could not get angry enough to make boundaries. So for me, being angry feels like progress. It is helping me, because I can get sucked back in. And I have.
I will learn. I am learning.

akrasia

No, I get it. He's acting crazy and erratic and YOU'RE the one who has to deal with fallout.

Try not to engage. Easier said than done, I know.

Also--I hope you noticed how level-headed your son's response. Even at eight years old he was like, "Yeah we'll see."

Try not to take the bait Mr. Crazy is offering you.

Spes

Buffalo66,

I write this with the utmost respect for your feelings. I read what Anvil wrote, then I sat down and read all your posts since 2007...almost 5 years ago and over 1,000 posts. (Thank God for the speed reading class in college)

All I can say is that I honestly hope you are able to find peace in your life. You have fought the fight within yourself much to long and it's time for you.

Please take care. (((hugs)))

choublak

The two of you have separate bank accounts?

chronsweet

Buff66,

As I said earlier I understand the torment of dealing with someone who has such little regard for my feelings. It actually feels like I have been punched in the stomach and I feel ill over the fact that I have tried sooooo soooo hard, to no freaking avail. None. I had a talk with the A last night about him chipping in for necessities like FOOD. His response, "so now you're just throwing it back at me. I am the reason for your misery. Nothing I do can make you happy." I mean, GEEEEEZ how can a grown man (almost 32 years old) NOT GET that it makes a person feel used to see them burn up their money on alcohol and then eat all the food you have to buy and to not be able to tell the person that it is affecting the relationship to feel so freaking used. The point I guess is some of these A's just seriously have no inclination to what it is like to be in a relationship. I have heard it said many times before on SR that sometimes you take away the Alcohol and all you have is a selfish jerk. It sounds like your AH falls into that 'jerk' category and he wants to rub it in your face that he is doing just FINE without you.

I am so sorry that your son has a brain tumor. Is he going to be alright? Gosh, my heart breaks to hear that as I love kids, they are so awesome and innocent and I just pray that he is going to be okay.

You know I was telling my mom just the other day that when daytime talk shows were popular I used to see women who were in similar situations and I would just be shouting out loud, "RUN DUMMY. WHAT DON'T YOU GET!! I WOULD NEVER EVER (emphasis on never, ever) BE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT." Maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson to not judge others because lo and behold I am IN that dang relationship. I wouldn't have believed it until I actually experienced it.

It sounds like you know where you need to get too. And I truly think it is OK to feel angry. Finally, after not having to try to calm the waters and live with an A and just make everything okay for the day for you and your son, you are able to finally feel the anger in its raw state. I think that is healthy and we all have our own timelines for dealing with this stuff. I know you are strong and you will make it through this. Your son is lucky to have such an awesome mom.

((HUGS))

Buffalo66

Spes,
Yes. It's been a long road.
Not so long after the rehab though.
Alanon teaches patience detachment and boundaries.
I did all that after he was sober.
It was more than alcohol
And I will always be his sons mother
Yes it is time for me... As many of you may know I made excuses for him for years, justified away the behavior.

This anger might just be my plane ticket out of crazyville.
It has finally stuck around. And it may look to you and feel to me like consumption, but it feels like a geyser to me. My liberator. It's hot right now. I have been known to let go of anger and move right back to forgiveness and have abuse denial. And when he lands he will try to cOme back. He always does. I am angry. Maybe just angry enough to throw away the key.

changeschoices

I don't get over things easily. I do get over them, but I have to wrestle with them a bit first. I'd like to think it's because I'm a deep thinker.

I think the depth of my emotions, while it can be difficult for me, also makes me a very loyal friend and family member. So while some people find it easier to turn their feelings on and off, I am okay with that not being as easy for me. I think it's a strength as long I use it right.

I don't tend to walk away from things easily. On the other hand, I don't tend to rush into things, or act flaky. There are good and bad sides to all of our qualities.

wicked

Hello Buffalo66,

It is absolutely time for you, and I made excuses for my ex too. I will admit partly so I did not look so stupid.

I am finding out that it doesn't end if they get sober. (Detaching and boundaries).
This is life long work for me. I will have to practice and learn what I will and will not tolerate in my life because obviously I know next to nothing about these things. I need to know for future relationships. For the boyfriend I have now.

It was more than alcohol with your estranged husband, and maybe you will have to continue fine tuning and adjusting detachment and boundaries for yourself and as an excellent example for your son. (Given what he said about the house being a temporary amusement for dad.)

Yes, can't change that, but like I said above you can determine the amount of his craziness you allow, and how much you listen to his snarkiness.

I do hope your anger liberates you from forgiving him for his abuse, and lets you fly away free of him. Fly away and throw away the key.

Beth

PS I just found the most fantastic book on detachment on Amazon and got it in the mail yesterday. I am very impressed. It is called. "Let Go Now - Embracing Detachment" written by Karen Casey. Each page is set up like a meditation book, and there are 200 ways of looking at detachment. I recommend it highly.