He bought a house. Says he will pray for my anger problems.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
choublak
He and I had shared accounts when he first came out, but eventually he opened separate accounts. He was building his credit, taking loans in order to pay them, then just apply that to good credit. I did not know about this. Aside from general entitled behavior, this was one of the reasons I put him out.
He started to act like he was supporting us. But we shared all expenses. When he became erratic most recently, with the money money money stuff, I asked what was going on. He insists to this day and to my face that he was trying to surprise me by buying the house without needing my share of the money. Turns out he was just buying the house alone.
He became increasingly secretive about how much he was making, about where the money was going. He would claim he was brojke after buying a car, but then I found out he had these separate accounts.
I am aware he is somehow mentally imbalanced. I dont know if he began to gamble, or just overspend. Luckily, I kept my income out of his mix.
Just a refresher for those who don't know the whole thing...When he came out of rehab, he went to a psych dr. That was an agreement we had, a condition of his living here with our son. He did so, but didn't take the meds for a long time. Then he decided to try them . Last year. This month last year. For 4.5 months he was entirely stable, open, clear, supportive and loving. He was not panicking, very few mood swings, he was able to be with son, stay home. He was great. And he knew it, and expressed relief over it. Said he felt "normal", truly happy for first time ever.
Then the meds def maxed out on dosage, and they started not working. He refused to go back to the psych dr. Instead he went online and self diagnosed for a different med, went to our sons doc, somehow(she wont answer my questions) managed to get a script for a med that is used on label for Fibromyalgia. Lyrica.
The med he was on, that worked then failed was neurontin. It is used for seizure disorders as well as Bi Polar symptoms.
He started to eat this Lyrica and everything became rapid. It took a few months, but I believe he became manic.
Little sleep, agitated, driven, working out 2 hours a day. NOt coming home til midnight. NO dinner, nothing...Strange secretive spending. And thats when I put him out.
The idea was he was to revisit the psych doc, get things in gear. He was also to meet commitments for visiting our son. Consistently. He did that for awhile, but when the cars and the house pursuit began, it's like he couldn't do anything else. Then he just stopped the visits altogether and bought a house.
He denies we ever discussed his revisiting the med situation, says he made no promise of consistent visits.
Thats where it stands. He is sory for my anger, and he will pray for me.
He and I had shared accounts when he first came out, but eventually he opened separate accounts. He was building his credit, taking loans in order to pay them, then just apply that to good credit. I did not know about this. Aside from general entitled behavior, this was one of the reasons I put him out.
He started to act like he was supporting us. But we shared all expenses. When he became erratic most recently, with the money money money stuff, I asked what was going on. He insists to this day and to my face that he was trying to surprise me by buying the house without needing my share of the money. Turns out he was just buying the house alone.
He became increasingly secretive about how much he was making, about where the money was going. He would claim he was brojke after buying a car, but then I found out he had these separate accounts.
I am aware he is somehow mentally imbalanced. I dont know if he began to gamble, or just overspend. Luckily, I kept my income out of his mix.
Just a refresher for those who don't know the whole thing...When he came out of rehab, he went to a psych dr. That was an agreement we had, a condition of his living here with our son. He did so, but didn't take the meds for a long time. Then he decided to try them . Last year. This month last year. For 4.5 months he was entirely stable, open, clear, supportive and loving. He was not panicking, very few mood swings, he was able to be with son, stay home. He was great. And he knew it, and expressed relief over it. Said he felt "normal", truly happy for first time ever.
Then the meds def maxed out on dosage, and they started not working. He refused to go back to the psych dr. Instead he went online and self diagnosed for a different med, went to our sons doc, somehow(she wont answer my questions) managed to get a script for a med that is used on label for Fibromyalgia. Lyrica.
The med he was on, that worked then failed was neurontin. It is used for seizure disorders as well as Bi Polar symptoms.
He started to eat this Lyrica and everything became rapid. It took a few months, but I believe he became manic.
Little sleep, agitated, driven, working out 2 hours a day. NOt coming home til midnight. NO dinner, nothing...Strange secretive spending. And thats when I put him out.
The idea was he was to revisit the psych doc, get things in gear. He was also to meet commitments for visiting our son. Consistently. He did that for awhile, but when the cars and the house pursuit began, it's like he couldn't do anything else. Then he just stopped the visits altogether and bought a house.
He denies we ever discussed his revisiting the med situation, says he made no promise of consistent visits.
Thats where it stands. He is sory for my anger, and he will pray for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I believe one of the very hardest things for me to let go of was the relationship between my kids and their father. Even after I had let go of him as a spouse and partner, I was still trying to control him as a father. The worst part about it was my anger at him over being a poor father actually made me a poorer mother.
As it turns out, my kids can handle their father's flakiness much better than I can. So, I try my best to stay out of it.
It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else. I can only control me and I am a much better parent when I am not trying to control him.
L
As it turns out, my kids can handle their father's flakiness much better than I can. So, I try my best to stay out of it.
It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else. I can only control me and I am a much better parent when I am not trying to control him.L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He is sorry for my anger, and he will pray for me.
But in some way he's giving you an answer to one of your question marks. You will never, ever, ever be able to count on him, or to get an apology, or any other contrition, and maybe never even an acknowledgement that he sent you up **** creek without a paddle while you were trying to plan your married life and take care of a special needs son. His behavior was terrible -- *is* terrible. You and your boy deserve better.
I've got two epically bad relationships behind me (I'm still in one of them, which is currently less-bad now that RAH is sober and working a program). My unbalanced ex made me his personal enemy and still to this day tries to poke at me whenever possible. As my DS12's father, I have to work with him and get his input on things, and it's usually like herding cats. Every time I interact with him, I get anxious. But I'm finally, after TWELVE YEARS, starting to figure out how to accept that he's never going to give me or my son what we need, and then deal with the situation as it is. He's so crazy with money and has a rich mother who supplies him with any toy we wants from cars to houses (this is carefully concealed so that he looks like he's just a successful guy), and I watched him tear through hundreds of thousands of dollars while I put myself through college on my own and raised my son on less than $10,000 a year for YEARS, accruing staggering debt. So, I hear you on the money thing. It's difficult to see them having fun and looking free and easy when you're struggling. Just find some satisfaction in knowing he has his coming. And he'll get his one way or another.
How do you cope in the day-to-day?
I'm not going to take your inventory for you. Vent away, sister. I'll pop some popcorn.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I believe one of the very hardest things for me to let go of was the relationship between my kids and their father. Even after I had let go of him as a spouse and partner, I was still trying to control him as a father. The worst part about it was my anger at him over being a poor father actually made me a poorer mother.
As it turns out, my kids can handle their father's flakiness much better than I can. So, I try my best to stay out of it. It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else.
As it turns out, my kids can handle their father's flakiness much better than I can. So, I try my best to stay out of it. It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just an observation from the balcony here...........
In normal circumstances,
when one person buys a new house, we view it as moving on.
But when we add the twisted mind of an active alkie,
I view this new home purchase as BAIT......
In normal circumstances,
when one person buys a new house, we view it as moving on.
But when we add the twisted mind of an active alkie,
I view this new home purchase as BAIT......
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I feel your anguish.
If you speak with a lawyer, I thought purchases made while still married were considered "Joint Property." I may be wrong, but then again, maybe you own half that house. My gut says he's really just trying to hurt you more than anything.
Document, journal, print out what you can from here that tells about his behavior, or copy it in the journal. Proof of what you've paid. It will help in the future for you.
You have a lot to deal with as the one caring for your son.
I wish you and your son well.
Hugs,
If you speak with a lawyer, I thought purchases made while still married were considered "Joint Property." I may be wrong, but then again, maybe you own half that house. My gut says he's really just trying to hurt you more than anything.
Document, journal, print out what you can from here that tells about his behavior, or copy it in the journal. Proof of what you've paid. It will help in the future for you.
You have a lot to deal with as the one caring for your son.
I wish you and your son well.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
LA Tee Da.
[I]It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else. I can only control me and I am a much better parent when I am not trying to control him.[/I]
Yes. THis is where I need to be. And what I kind of cannot really even fathom.
I dont want to control him to do what I want, just want to rest easy knowing my son wont go crazy, be broken.
I cannot control all of that. What you describe here is so hard to grasp, but I can see it out there on the horizon.
FLorence: How am I coping day to day? I am sad then angry then relieved, repeat
He called back today to offer to clean up my house. I think this is his way of saying I am a mess? I DK.
just coping. Luckily my son and I have a breezy and humor filled rapport. He is a good, smart boy.
Marie:
I feel that it is BAIt also. Hence the anger. Altho my RAH is not active. He is in fake recovery, or Dry Drunk. He is not working the program, is excelling at everything but emotions and mental stability.
He thinks he is doing awesome!
Maybe he is.
[I]It is only my responsibility to make sure they are safe, not to make sure their father is reliable, sane, dependable, loving, devoted, nurturing, or anything else. I can only control me and I am a much better parent when I am not trying to control him.[/I]
Yes. THis is where I need to be. And what I kind of cannot really even fathom.
I dont want to control him to do what I want, just want to rest easy knowing my son wont go crazy, be broken.
I cannot control all of that. What you describe here is so hard to grasp, but I can see it out there on the horizon.
FLorence: How am I coping day to day? I am sad then angry then relieved, repeat
He called back today to offer to clean up my house. I think this is his way of saying I am a mess? I DK.
just coping. Luckily my son and I have a breezy and humor filled rapport. He is a good, smart boy.
Marie:
I feel that it is BAIt also. Hence the anger. Altho my RAH is not active. He is in fake recovery, or Dry Drunk. He is not working the program, is excelling at everything but emotions and mental stability.
He thinks he is doing awesome!
Maybe he is.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I still get angry with the things exAH does, we've not been living together for three years, I started divorce proceedings over 2 years ago, and divorced for 6 or 7 months. thankfully it doesn't happen often and doesn't last long now, but in the beginning it was ennormous: I had been through so much, it was the releasing of all of that anger for EVERYTHING we had been through.
I had been so used to stuffing emotions that anger was the only emotion I had left that felt honest, and powerful, not false or negative.
And i needed to get it out.
Eventually, I didn't need to get it out any more and I managed to work out how to limit contact.
we all move our path at our own pace.
what are the divorce laws in your state: here, a divorcing spouse buying a house would just end up having that house put in the "pot" to be split, I don't know if you've had legal advice.
exAH is an abusive bullying individual: when I am angry, that's because I have an anger problem, when he gets angry thats because I am deliberately pushing his buttons to force him to do something bad.
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!
(())
I had been so used to stuffing emotions that anger was the only emotion I had left that felt honest, and powerful, not false or negative.
And i needed to get it out.
Eventually, I didn't need to get it out any more and I managed to work out how to limit contact.
we all move our path at our own pace.
what are the divorce laws in your state: here, a divorcing spouse buying a house would just end up having that house put in the "pot" to be split, I don't know if you've had legal advice.
exAH is an abusive bullying individual: when I am angry, that's because I have an anger problem, when he gets angry thats because I am deliberately pushing his buttons to force him to do something bad.
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!
(())
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
How am I coping day to day?
Right now the biggie in my life is individual therapy. I really can't afford it, but I can't NOT afford to do it. And I try to get out of the house and do something nice for myself once a week, like go to the library, read every night before bed, that kind of stuff. I even started getting crafty, baking, painting, making do-dads for the hell of it.
He called back today to offer to clean up my house. I think this is his way of saying I am a mess? I DK.
just coping. Luckily my son and I have a breezy and humor filled rapport. He is a good, smart boy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
NC would be ideal. I have entertained a summer long trip to the Virgin Islands where my sister lives.
I wont get a royalty check in time for that.
Otherwise, I will maybe, (prob not) see him at sons counseling on Tuesday. He asked to come pick up some mail today, I drove it to a mutual friends house and said he was welcome to get it there from now on.
Just the sound of his voice makes me feel so raw and stupid.
All these years. OH no...
We have a mutual frind wedding on Sunday. I have have have to go. I flaked out on the engagement party. They are our only real couple friends. We both knew them separately when we met. They dont belong to either of us, seniority wise.
Other wise. I am trying not to answer the phone. I am relating to what JenT said about anger being the only thing not stuffed, but man it feels like there is a tsunami of sad coming my way.
sheesh
I wont get a royalty check in time for that.
Otherwise, I will maybe, (prob not) see him at sons counseling on Tuesday. He asked to come pick up some mail today, I drove it to a mutual friends house and said he was welcome to get it there from now on.
Just the sound of his voice makes me feel so raw and stupid.
All these years. OH no...
We have a mutual frind wedding on Sunday. I have have have to go. I flaked out on the engagement party. They are our only real couple friends. We both knew them separately when we met. They dont belong to either of us, seniority wise.
Other wise. I am trying not to answer the phone. I am relating to what JenT said about anger being the only thing not stuffed, but man it feels like there is a tsunami of sad coming my way.
sheesh
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey there,
I can understand these feelings. Mad, anger, resentment, or whatever else they may be. I've felt like that, and still get those feelings. Went through many things to try to figure out the "why". In my case, I think that I did figure out the "why". It was because I didn't feel validation. I was a good wife, I was understanding, I was always there, etc, etc....
I wanted to hear it from him, about how he effed up, maybe I still do, I don't know?
But I do know that my ex has a girlfriend, maybe he lives with her, maybe not, don't want to know, and really don't care, I JUST DON"T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. It would hurt too much. It would bring all of those feelings back to me, "Like maybe it was me, maybe I am really the effed up person".
What I have been working on a lot recently, is, I will never get validation from him, he will always throw blame at me. Even though he would not be doing this personally, he is just trying to live his own life, that is how it comes across to me. So what I need to do, for myself, is to live the best life that I can, and to do it "just for me".
Many Hugs
I can understand these feelings. Mad, anger, resentment, or whatever else they may be. I've felt like that, and still get those feelings. Went through many things to try to figure out the "why". In my case, I think that I did figure out the "why". It was because I didn't feel validation. I was a good wife, I was understanding, I was always there, etc, etc....
I wanted to hear it from him, about how he effed up, maybe I still do, I don't know?
But I do know that my ex has a girlfriend, maybe he lives with her, maybe not, don't want to know, and really don't care, I JUST DON"T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. It would hurt too much. It would bring all of those feelings back to me, "Like maybe it was me, maybe I am really the effed up person".
What I have been working on a lot recently, is, I will never get validation from him, he will always throw blame at me. Even though he would not be doing this personally, he is just trying to live his own life, that is how it comes across to me. So what I need to do, for myself, is to live the best life that I can, and to do it "just for me".
Many Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
If he is bipolar, I'd attribute his behavior to that just as much as to the alcoholism. I don't know that much about bipolar disorder, but I can tell you that it does require A LOT of work to find a medication that balances out the brain chemistry. Not to excuse his behavior, just something to think about.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
My A tells me he will pray for me too. I think this is one of the most infuriating things he says to me. It is if he is holding himself above me when he has caused me literal hell. He thinks he has a relationship with God, and though it is none of my business, I just feel like screaming, "God would not condone your behavior." This statement is in and of itself just meant to poke and provoke. I just tell him that I will pray for him as well now. And smile.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What a douche.
I love escaping to my sisters, who also lives on a beautiful island. It's SO good a complete reset on my attitude.
I bet NC would be the best. Just a few days of it and you'll see sanely again.
I feel your pain Sister. Sending you love and hugs.
I love escaping to my sisters, who also lives on a beautiful island. It's SO good a complete reset on my attitude.
I bet NC would be the best. Just a few days of it and you'll see sanely again.
I feel your pain Sister. Sending you love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I will echo LTD. Letting go if that relationship btw him and the children was so hard. It was extremely freeing though. I felt it in every way. In Jong sight I can also plainly see that my children were watching me to see how they should react to their dads flakiness. It was much better for all of us when I let it go. I
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am glad he is praying for your anger issues.
Mine was praying for my salvation, because clearly, I had gone astray from the Path when I left him, because a good Christian woman would never have left him.
See, I think your A's "praying for your anger issues" is another way of refusing to take responsibility. In his eyes, you're irrationally angry.
I'm too exhausted to read the whole thread, but I'm rooting for you, friend.
Mine was praying for my salvation, because clearly, I had gone astray from the Path when I left him, because a good Christian woman would never have left him.
See, I think your A's "praying for your anger issues" is another way of refusing to take responsibility. In his eyes, you're irrationally angry.
I'm too exhausted to read the whole thread, but I'm rooting for you, friend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Buffalo- I am so sorry you're hurting. I read your post and thought "that could be me any minute now". I feel a lot of the time like I am keeping myself detached (sort of) by a thread.
I have had the conversations (not recently but they are certainly fresh enough to recall the frustration) with stbxAH where he acts nonchalant about moving on, pretends he's all healed and wonderful and talks intentionally (it seems to me) about people, places, things, events we might have done together in the past... It's designed to hurt me, try to make me see what I am "missing" by being apart from him and he gets on the holier than thou band wagon about my issues when I, like you, reach my limit and express anger, frustration, sadness etc...
Alcoholics get to manipulate, insult, abuse, etc... and display erratic emotions all they want (in their own mind that is) and the rest of us, when we have a moment of weakness and express emotions or get angry etc... suddenly it's fuel for the alcoholics finely tuned sense of judgementalness. Sounds like your ex has that mastered.
I totally get why you're frustrated and I suspect I'll feel what you are feeling more than once before my kids are grown up and I can stop having to me in touch with AH on a regular basis.
Maybe to make it clear to him that you have no interest in hearing about his life at the present time, you could tell him there are ground rules for your communication such as
that you will only discuss the kids and pragmatics and nothing else.
I've hung up and called back too like you-- you're human, you're tired, you're fed up with being the one who tried to make it work and he threw it away in favor of alcohol and now he has the audacity to judge you (am I close at all?).
Sending hugs to you!
I have had the conversations (not recently but they are certainly fresh enough to recall the frustration) with stbxAH where he acts nonchalant about moving on, pretends he's all healed and wonderful and talks intentionally (it seems to me) about people, places, things, events we might have done together in the past... It's designed to hurt me, try to make me see what I am "missing" by being apart from him and he gets on the holier than thou band wagon about my issues when I, like you, reach my limit and express anger, frustration, sadness etc...
Alcoholics get to manipulate, insult, abuse, etc... and display erratic emotions all they want (in their own mind that is) and the rest of us, when we have a moment of weakness and express emotions or get angry etc... suddenly it's fuel for the alcoholics finely tuned sense of judgementalness. Sounds like your ex has that mastered.
I totally get why you're frustrated and I suspect I'll feel what you are feeling more than once before my kids are grown up and I can stop having to me in touch with AH on a regular basis.
Maybe to make it clear to him that you have no interest in hearing about his life at the present time, you could tell him there are ground rules for your communication such as
that you will only discuss the kids and pragmatics and nothing else.
I've hung up and called back too like you-- you're human, you're tired, you're fed up with being the one who tried to make it work and he threw it away in favor of alcohol and now he has the audacity to judge you (am I close at all?).
Sending hugs to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
