LadyP

OK I have been working this program, working on me. I've been learning to stop doing all those enabling things and praying that my estanged hubby would find what he needed and come home. Well the holidays were great. I work for a school so I got to have the whole two weeks off. I spent a lot of time with the kids and hubby doing the family thing. He even asked me over to have christmas with his family. We have been talking and getting along great. He has found a way for him to deal with the drinking issue and seems to be happy and healthy.
Well now the bad news. I live in a house in my parents name. It was supposed to be mine eventually. My grand mother gave it to them several years ago and they were supposed to sign it over to me after she died. well its been two years now. It seems there is a lot of back taxes and we may loose the house.
So after all the good times with my hubby I was upset and had to tell him about it. He has been helping me get info that I needed and talking me through it. He said that the odds of me keeping it are low and he doesn't think it would be a goo idea because the info I'm getting from the family is wrong. He said it looks like I'm going to get the short end of the stick.
Any way he want to find a house and be a family again. He said that he left so that I would learn that my family wouldnt be there when I needed it but that he always would. Even when he left he was always ther when I was sick or when I just needed he was there. I know that. Now I grew up in this family I cant get him to understand that if they werernt there when I was a kid I never expected them to be there now. I take care of them and keep to myself otherwise.
I guess now after four months of praying for him to come home I'm afraid now that its near. It just seem to be going very fast. I dont want him to come back in a year and say he didnt have a choice, but this is his choice. We talked about what we wanted for the future and we both want a home and our family together. I am so SCARED. I dont want to push him to fast. But I dont think I have much time. The house goes up for auction in Feb. Its like I know where we are going but not sure where we are. Does that make since? Is it like this for others who reconcile? Should I slow things down? I know that my God is telling me to stay with him but is he ready or am I?

Jeff_C

Hmmmmm, He "found a way to deal with the drinking issue". I don't know what to make of that, along with the fact there was no mention of YOU having found a "way" with your internalization of the drinking issue.Either we "IS" or we "AIN"T". Not too much middle ground to play with. Perhaps some clarification?

LadyP

My husband was/is what someone described as in the beginning stage of Alcoholism. Drank too much used it to relieve the stress of the job, social issues(all firemen drink is what they say)and the such. He could stop for very long periods when he needed to. He wasn't ever violent just irresponsible. I never even thought of it as alcoholism until he left. He left because he couldn't deal with so many issues at one time. The drinking messed with his blood sugars really bad. So mostly I nagged about his health while neglecting mine. I started collage. his grandfather died and he was out of work for several months to heal from an infection. So many things hit at once.
When he left I had to learn how to take the responcibilities that I didnt want. I had to learn that I wasn't responsible for everyone else and couldn't fix it. You see I was trained to be an enabler. I am working on this. It has always been hard for me to let anyone in to my life to help me. I was the caregiver not the reciever. My husband is the only one I have come close to ever. I'm afraid tha I will try to take charge of him again. To be honest most of our problems had little to do with the drinking, they came from my abusive childhood. We have decided that we need to live with out our families bothering us. we went from nextdoor to his mom to next door to my mom and have never had to be on our own. We have just had our 17th aniverary and I am as afraid as a newly wed.
But to your question I feel I have delt with the drinking. He says he has and I have to take his word on that. I cant tell the future and my biggest problem is taking one day at a time.

smoke gets in my eyes

LadyP... have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? Learning to recognize codependent behavior and catch yourself in the act goes a long way toward correcting it. If there is a CODA (codependent's anonymous) group in your area, you might want to check that out. Even if you feel you have dealt with the alcoholism, if you can't find CODA, try to make it to alanon. You will be among a lot of other people working on their codependency.

If you're scared of repeating past mistakes... keep learning, and find yourself a group. And keep coming here. Writing it out and getting feedback has helped me more than anything.

HUGS!
Smoke