Btcr

My dh first got sober 12 yrs ago. He has a brief fall off the wagon about e Rey three years. This involves a few hours of drinking followed by several years of no drinking.

I am not sober and enjoy a beer a few times a week. The last time he fell off the wagon, a few months ago, my MIL got on me about keeping alcohol in the house. I should mention we live in a multi generational household. My dh and I talked about it and he decided it would be easier not to keep it in the house. He is ok and comfortable with me having a drink when we go out to dinner or getting a single beer and drinking it at home.

My question is, what do the rest of you non sober partners do? For those in recovery what are your expectations? Am I being selfish or reasonable?

I am in this marriage for the long haul so not thinking for the short term. Thanks in advance.

cangel2

I will share with you my approach. I have modified it over the years and basically have developed what I am comfortable with. Without exception all of the recovering A's in my life make a point of telling me they are fine with my having "a glass of wine" over dinner when they are with me. I have discovered that I am not fine doing that - it makes me uncomfortable. Besides, I don't need to drink so it doesn't bother me to abstain.

- When I am in a large social setting I will have a glass of something unless I am with my brother or son.
- If I am out to dinner in a more intimate setting I have sparkling water
- When someone in recovery visits my house I do not drink. (For me that would be like serving broccoli when I know my guest are allergic to it)
- In particular when my brother visits or my son comes home I have no alcohol here - nothing full and nothing empty in the recycle can. I am not comfortable providing any triggers I guess. I also know they both actively are seeking out sober friends and environments to re-design their social lives ; I want to be a part of that life with them.

I guess the bottom line here is that what I do is based on my comfort level - it's a gut level feeling for me. Maybe it will change as their recovery period becomes longer; time will tell.

Interestingly I find myself much less likely to drink at all when I am with people who overdo it or are active alcoholics. Nothing turns me off alcohol faster than someone who wants me to jump in an validate their behavior.

As for what my expectations are for their recovery....I try not to go there. (this is my recovery work) I try to stay firmly working my codie recovery, maintain my boundries and leave them to work their own recovery. My expectation is that they will do what they are going to do. Of course I am supportive and love them but I do not do that at the expense of what I need.

Not sure if this helps and I will say I am interested to hear what others will have to say - good questions.

Glad to hear your husband is doing well.....12yrs is an Accomplishment!!!

FireSprite

We're still working on this in our house too and I'm trying to be considerate but also respectful of myself. I drink a variety of things depending on the occasion/how I feel so I have bottles around a lot of the time. (I may want margaritas this weekend & switch back to vodka next month, leaving an almost full bottle of tequila sitting in the pantry in the meantime.) Sometimes I have a drink a couple of times a week & sometimes I go months without anything, it just depends.

I offered early on to remove all the liquor from our house but my husband maintained that if his sobriety depended on me not drinking then it would just give him an excuse or an 'out' eventually. He said that alcohol is available everywhere & if he was determined to drink, then he would be more than able to make that happen.

For him, a big part of his musical life is in bars & alcohol-related events so he's working hard to be able to be around it without being triggered so that he can keep live music in his life.

In the beginning I only drank if he was otherwise occupied, I felt too uncomfortable drinking around him. After he reached 90 days I relaxed a little but I still kept the liquor to the back of the pantry instead of the front so it wouldn't be in his face so much.

If HE expressed concerns about having it around or started to feel like it was triggering him, I'd get rid of it in a heartbeat.

Btcr

Thank you both for sharing your approach and experiences.

cangel - I too find that I have no desire to drink when I am around people who are drinking to excess or who remind me of dh when he used to drink.

FireSprite - This is where I/we were too for 10+ yrs. I kept some alcohol in the house and neither one of us viewed it as an issue. It was only with his most recent slip off the wagon, about 5 months ago that it came up. He drank first at a bar down the street from our house and then came home and drank some of what I had in the house.

I guess it is having my in-laws live with us that adds a twist to it. I should mention that was a concious decision and works well, most of the time, for all involved. My MIL does not drink and actually has mild allergic reactions when she even has a sip or two. MY FIL has one beer a night or at leeast used to until MIL put the cabosh on it. She feels that if I drink at all, let alone in my home, that I am endangering his sobriety.

I am not sure and he says "No way! My addiction and my sobriety are mine." I guess I am just looking for other thoughts and experiences either way.

I am sure this taints my view but my dad is an active a, getting sober for a year or two at a time, and no matter what my mom did, have it in the house or not, he would drink if he wanted to. It left me with the distinct feeling that even if you love someone that it is their problem to own not yours. That being said dh knows that I will not stay if he is drinking, where as for my parents they are in it and not going anywhere.

Now I am just blathering. Apparently more to process than I originally thought.

Buffalo66

I decided to abstain from alcohol entirely when my RAH started weaning off before rehab.
I made the choice based on something my friend told me, about how hard it was for her when she was in recovery from heroin addiction, and her bf was secretly still using. He would get fixed, and come home. She felt so unsupported.

I felt that alcohol was a life and death situation for my AH. He struggled and suffered with it. To have me in the house breezily downing a beer,I THOUGHT would be very rude. Also, if I went out and came homw tipsy, I think that would be tough on him. And I chose not to do that.

It's definitely also worth mentioning that I had spent years and years in suffering also, watching him with the sickness of it.

I guess the magical buzz f alcohol lost it's draw for me.

I do not miss hangovers and I do not need that stuff in my life anyway.

But that is just me.
He is still sober, he moved out, and I am still not drinking by choice.

CeciliaV

Part of me really wishes I didn't have to think about things like this, but reality is that I do - my husband is almost two weeks dry. I wouldn't even think of drinking around him. I don't think I've had a drop in about a year. I've completely lost my taste for it.

Hopeworks

I was abivalent to alcohol and so it was not a sacrifice to not drink and I chose to abstain for the 4 years I was with my XA who roller coasted through drinking, relapsing, abstinence and for brief stints authentic recovery. I don't think it would made any difference in his choices to drink or not drink. In year 4 I was shocked when I learned that he felt that anything other than my complete abstinence from alcohol was not acceptable to him... a betrayal of some sort!

Not logical but who has an A who thinks logically or unselfishly?

As soon as I packed his things and curbed him the last time (the end of February) I went out and bought 6 bottles of wine and a couple bottles of alcohol. It was my act of defiance I guess... but I have been having wine with dinner and light social drinking when out with my friends.

One less self imposed shackle unlocked and symbolically I am free from the "worry" of how my having a glass of wine may be the straw that broke the sober camel's back...

lizatola

Funny, but right after my AH got his DUI I boxed up my 4 wine bottles, poured out my vodka, and gave them to a friend. He didn't ask me to but I guess I didn't want the temptation in the house nor did I want to have a glass of wine in front of him when he claimed he was done drinking.

Now, I'm feeling more like having a glass of wine every so often in front of him but I've chosen not to. I do have a glass if I'm out with friends but no more than that because I'm paranoid about drinking and driving and I'm a lightweight anyway. And, I will drink a glass if he's away for his job for a few days. It adds up to about 3 glasses of wine a month, LOL!

If he asked me to not have it in the house, I would get rid of it. Unfortunately, he is still drinking on the sly despite the severity of his DUI so I feel that our drinking saga isn't over yet and so I hold back on drinking in front of him.