ret20

Hello,

I am new to the forum. I am posting here because I don't have any friends with similar problems that I can talk to.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. In that time, he has quit smoking at the urging of myself and his family, but he still has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I was shocked the first time I saw him come home blitzed after a night of binge drinking, but I didn't think anything of it. I thought it was just a one-time thing. I think that, now that our relationship has progressed, he has less of a reason to keep his drinking under control. As a result, I am starting to see some seriously disturbing behaviors.

He cannot spend time with his friends without getting drunk. Their "fishing" and "camping" trips are just an excuse to binge drink together. His friends are also horrible instigators because, of course, misery loves company. And if they can get my guy so drunk he can't walk, that makes them feel like they don't have a problem. What really concerns me, though, are his blackouts. Last year, he had 6 blackout episodes, and every single time this happens he changes into this horrible, angry person. Some of the things he says about wanting to hurt other people have given me the impression that he has some very serious, suppressed anger issues. The time before last, he threw his phone into the wall, and it actually made a hole in the drywall.

I called him once when he was out with his friends and their fiance's, only to find that he was black-out intoxicated. When I asked him to come home, he threatened to drive his truck through a building and put his fist through a wall, blah, blah, blah. As if he could manage that in his state. Last time, he got so drunk he didn't recognize me. At about 1 am he fell off of his buddy's deck, and we had to carry him into the house. On another occasion, he flipped a 4-wheeler over on himself and nearly broke his neck. And he is not a young man - due to enter his mid-thirties this year.

For a few months, I asked him if he could possibly spend time with his friends without coming home drunk, and he did just that for a while, then stopped hanging out with his friends all together. Now he blames me that he never gets out of the house, and that this lack of spending time with his friends makes him drink even more when he goes out. When he doesn't get black-out drunk, he sometimes shows up to dinners already hammered. Or he gets too drunk at dinner to go hang out afterward. I basically have to put him to bed. He's just not fun to hang out with anymore. He has missed work a few times because of this.

So I don't know what to do. Every time I bring this up, he crosses his arms and won't look me in the eye. He tells me that what he does with other people is none of my business and that he will just not come home if it bothers me so much to see him drunk. The really sad part is that I wouldn't care if I didn't love him.

I have also started to have serious panic attacks when I know he is out and engaging in this self-destructive behavior. I am absolutely terrified that he is going to get seriously hurt. I have told him this, but everything I say seems to fall on deaf ears. He has seen so many messed up things in his life that all this seems normal to him. He doesn't seem to realize that he isn't just hurting himself anymore. I think he justifies all of this because it doesn't happen every day or every week. Or maybe I am just over-reacting??

I don't want to leave him, but it might come to that.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, ret20. There is a lot of good information on this forum...please read the stickies at the top of our home page.

You ask if you are over-reacting? Do you feel like you are over-reacting to what should be "normal" behavior? I have just turned 40, and although I still drink, I am very rarely intoxicated to the point of black out. As a matter of fact, I can't even remember the last time I drank that much...but I am certain it was when I was still in my 20's. You see, most of us grow up and move on from those behaviors. Sounds as if your BF has a drinking problem to me. And as we like to say here, if his drinking is a problem for you, it is a problem!

So the question then becomes - what are you going to do about it? Because we don't cause them to drink, we can't cure them, and we can't control them. It leaves few options, huh?

I am sorry your situation brought you here, but I hope you find the support and strength here that I have found.

Keep coming back!
~T

Thumper

I do not think you are over reacting.

You are living in a difficult situation. You are in control of many things here - his drinking is not one of them.

What you see is what you get so to speak. Is the relationship today one that you can accept and continue?

Exactly. The other truth is that alcoholism gets worse. It will progress.

Welcome to SR. Have you read the stickies up above? I've read them many many times and found them so helpful.

djayr

You are not over reacting whatsoever. You are legitimately concerned and worried about someone who you care about. And in this forum, you are certainly not alone!

You are realizing that something is wrong, maybe really wrong, with BF's (boyfriend's) drinking. The normal routine is for you to be worried and for him to be defensive -- sound familiar?

You may have the impression that you care more about his health and reckless drinking habits than he does. This is probably true, and it is frustrating for you. Over time, this can lead to anger and bitterness and a loss of your own ability to think independently of him and his problems. Sometimes this is described as a merry-go-round because you find yourself repeating patterns over and over.

Read as much as you can on this board, learn as much as you can on alcoholism and codependence, and try to find a place to talk about how YOU feel (i.e. Al Anon).

God bless!

onlythetruth

ret20,

Oh no, you are definitely not over-reacting. In fact, I suspect the main reason you think you might be over-reacting is that you have seen so much of your boyfriend's behavior that some of it has come to seem "normal" to you. That, and the fact that you would probably like to think it's okay so that you don't have to consider ending the relationship. It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes we don't see things because seeing them would mean we'd have to do something we're scared to do!

But your boyfriend's behavior is absolutely over the line and if it continues will make any future with him intolerable.

ret20

Thank you for the replies. It is very sad to watch him do this, to worry about him and to be in such a different place in my heart and mind than he is. It hurts to know that there is something in his life more important than his family (that he lies to me and his family about) and that he turns to alcohol for comfort - not me.

I think the reason I feel like I am over-reacting is because that has always been his argument. He has been engaging in this sort of behavior since he was a young teenager. He surrounds himself with other people who act like this. For him, it very well might seem normal. All the same, I think that he realizes it is hurting our relationship and there is something deeply unhealthy about it. My therapist (who thinks that I am under-reacting) gave the example of someone who grows up in an abusive family. While this behavior might be normal to them, it isn't necessarily healthy.

At the same time, the way he makes all of this sound like it is MY fault when we argue (aside from making me want to strangle him) makes me feel like he's in denial. And it hurts me for him to say that I am hurting him.

I want him to spend time with his buddies, but this is ALL they do together. They don't think there's a point in doing ANYTHING if it doesn't involve picking up a few 24-packs on the way there or buying shots after we arrive. It's what they do. I have seen one of them go through 2 fifths of whiskey in a week, so I guess my guy feels pretty normal in comparison.

So it isn't just that he has to choose between our relationship and giving up his dependence on alcohol - I also know that he's worried about damaging his relationship with his best friends...which really aren't very good friends to begin with. :/

Tuffgirl

This is called deflection and denial. I got a lot of the same stuff at first...I couldn't "communicate" with men and I was crazy. It gets us off their backs about their behavior.

Do you think you are hurting him by calling things for what they really are?

lillamy

Hi.
I'm an old fart, but until a couple of years ago, I was married to an alcoholic.
The question I ask myself now about all my relationships is, "If the other person is doing stuff that makes me feel sad/angry/uncomfortable/mad/insecure/scared/disgusted -- why do I choose to spend time with them?"