Do you ever get over it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 19
Do you ever get over it?
Hi 
. I posted on here a couple of weeks ago when my XAH had passed away, most likely through his alcoholism. Thanks to everyone for helping me so much.
I have been wondering whether I will ever get rid of these mixed emotions I feel about his alcoholism, his abusive behaviour (both physical and verbal). I feel cheated out of the 'fairytale'. I know its unrealistic to believe that life could have been perfect without alcohol to ruin it, but I do believe we may have remained together, with our children, as a family.
I feel bitter, because our children lost their childhood far too early and the hurt has continued for them right up until the present, culminating in the loss of their father. I also feel inadequate because he chose the bottle over his family. If Im thinking logically I know that alcoholism deprives everyone of what is fair, but at the same time I still try to rationalise the situation.
I also feel like I 'lost' myself somewhere along the way and as hard as I might try, I cant get the 'old me' back. I now have trust issues and find myself trying to squirrel away some cash just in case things turn bad again.
Its been 10 years since we separated, although for around 5 years afterwards things went from bad to worse and I was left to pick up the pieces every time. And now, even when he isnt with us anymore, Im still picking up the pieces. His family has wiped their hands of him and have refused to help with the funeral, so its been left to my 21yo daughter to arrange everything. She has no idea what to do, so Ive been helping.
I feel like I suffer from 'doormat syndrome'!
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to let go of all these negative emotions? Ive been to counselling a few times and they say to 'forget about the past' ......... Easier said than done Im afraid.
I also feel sad that a human being who started out being a regular, nice person, could end up with nothing and no-one. Its such a waste.
. I posted on here a couple of weeks ago when my XAH had passed away, most likely through his alcoholism. Thanks to everyone for helping me so much.I have been wondering whether I will ever get rid of these mixed emotions I feel about his alcoholism, his abusive behaviour (both physical and verbal). I feel cheated out of the 'fairytale'. I know its unrealistic to believe that life could have been perfect without alcohol to ruin it, but I do believe we may have remained together, with our children, as a family.
I feel bitter, because our children lost their childhood far too early and the hurt has continued for them right up until the present, culminating in the loss of their father. I also feel inadequate because he chose the bottle over his family. If Im thinking logically I know that alcoholism deprives everyone of what is fair, but at the same time I still try to rationalise the situation.
I also feel like I 'lost' myself somewhere along the way and as hard as I might try, I cant get the 'old me' back. I now have trust issues and find myself trying to squirrel away some cash just in case things turn bad again.
Its been 10 years since we separated, although for around 5 years afterwards things went from bad to worse and I was left to pick up the pieces every time. And now, even when he isnt with us anymore, Im still picking up the pieces. His family has wiped their hands of him and have refused to help with the funeral, so its been left to my 21yo daughter to arrange everything. She has no idea what to do, so Ive been helping.
I feel like I suffer from 'doormat syndrome'!
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to let go of all these negative emotions? Ive been to counselling a few times and they say to 'forget about the past' ......... Easier said than done Im afraid.
I also feel sad that a human being who started out being a regular, nice person, could end up with nothing and no-one. Its such a waste.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
My wife died during the divorce. It wasn't pretty. It seems we are left with all the clean up work. It feels overwhelming at times but the stuff left to clean up isn't piling up anymore. Just what is left. I just pushed thru one thing/issue/picture/debit collector at a time. Hired an attorney to take care of collectors calling as we didn't have any assets. My kids were 8 and 13 when their mom left. No one should have to deal with guilt like my son has at times from pushing back after being attacked by him mom then not being able to say I'm sorry.
We believe in God, and our belief saved us 3 from the downward mess we could have gone. I never was able to have a conversation and say sorry to each other. I had to leave it at the cross where Christ died for our sins. Addiction is here on earth and I know once that was removed love and peace is left.
Kind of like a car accident. We can't go back and change it, but we can learn, forgive, have compassion and extend grace to those that suffered. If we don't we are in for a life of living it over and over and over. Caught in a circle.
There is life after. I am married again. My kids do miss their mom, a part of me is gone as it should be. Many awesome things have come out of her passing from marriages being brought back together just by attending her memorial service to close friends living each day to the fullest as we don't know when our last day on this earth is... Lots of small things.
The glass of water is in front of us. Is it half full or empty. Do we extend grace or hold on to the bad memories.
Saying a prayer you experience the power of grace.
AG
We believe in God, and our belief saved us 3 from the downward mess we could have gone. I never was able to have a conversation and say sorry to each other. I had to leave it at the cross where Christ died for our sins. Addiction is here on earth and I know once that was removed love and peace is left.
Kind of like a car accident. We can't go back and change it, but we can learn, forgive, have compassion and extend grace to those that suffered. If we don't we are in for a life of living it over and over and over. Caught in a circle.
There is life after. I am married again. My kids do miss their mom, a part of me is gone as it should be. Many awesome things have come out of her passing from marriages being brought back together just by attending her memorial service to close friends living each day to the fullest as we don't know when our last day on this earth is... Lots of small things.
The glass of water is in front of us. Is it half full or empty. Do we extend grace or hold on to the bad memories.
Saying a prayer you experience the power of grace.
AG
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
first let me say ~ I hate so much all that you have gone thru & am so glad you are seeking help ~
For me ~ I found healing thru my own recovery program ~ I found help thru attending Al-Anon meetings, posting here on SR, working with a Sponsor, journaling, praying to my HP, and reading recovery literature ~
It is a process ~ I have been in recovery for almost 9 yrs ~ I still have difficult days, but I have the tools to face the challenges ~
I have learned I am worth the healing that has occured and that is occuring ~
It is about forgiving ~ forgiving the alcoholics/addicts in my life - those that are still in my life and those that are no longer in my life ~ but it is also about forgiving myself too ~ for not making healthier choices for me ~ because now I am chosing a better life for me ~
That's just my experience, strength & hope - How I have learned to work thru it ~
I pray you continue your path of healing - YOU deserve it too!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
For me ~ I found healing thru my own recovery program ~ I found help thru attending Al-Anon meetings, posting here on SR, working with a Sponsor, journaling, praying to my HP, and reading recovery literature ~
It is a process ~ I have been in recovery for almost 9 yrs ~ I still have difficult days, but I have the tools to face the challenges ~
I have learned I am worth the healing that has occured and that is occuring ~
It is about forgiving ~ forgiving the alcoholics/addicts in my life - those that are still in my life and those that are no longer in my life ~ but it is also about forgiving myself too ~ for not making healthier choices for me ~ because now I am chosing a better life for me ~
That's just my experience, strength & hope - How I have learned to work thru it ~
I pray you continue your path of healing - YOU deserve it too!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to let go of all these negative emotions? Ive been to counselling a few times and they say to 'forget about the past' ......... Easier said than done Im afraid."
I believe it's all part of the grieving process. Grieving is our brain's way of trying to process our raw emotions. Regardless, if we stay with the active alkie, we all carry a bit of hope that one day they will get clean, and stay sober. Death certainly takes away our last hope. It becomes the final chapter, no editing, no rewrite.
Your XAH leaves you the gift of your beautiful 21 year old daughter. May you find strength and comfort in each other. Embrace each other for support. You both shared the trials of his troubled life. Share your thoughts and memories, the good, and the bad. Keep talking and sharing, communicating our feelings at this sad time is a necessary part of healing.
Of course you cannot ever actually let go of the past. But you can choose not to let it define you.
And we will be here too, share and vent all you want. We are listening........
Peace, my friend.
I believe it's all part of the grieving process. Grieving is our brain's way of trying to process our raw emotions. Regardless, if we stay with the active alkie, we all carry a bit of hope that one day they will get clean, and stay sober. Death certainly takes away our last hope. It becomes the final chapter, no editing, no rewrite.
Your XAH leaves you the gift of your beautiful 21 year old daughter. May you find strength and comfort in each other. Embrace each other for support. You both shared the trials of his troubled life. Share your thoughts and memories, the good, and the bad. Keep talking and sharing, communicating our feelings at this sad time is a necessary part of healing.
Of course you cannot ever actually let go of the past. But you can choose not to let it define you.
And we will be here too, share and vent all you want. We are listening........
Peace, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Forgetting the past is impossible. Forgiving and moving forward - focusing on today and the future, is possible, though! I wonder if that is what is meant by "forget the past..."
Grief is a strange phenomenon. And you have lost a major chunk of your life. I can only imagine how disconcerting it must feel to be in your shoes.
My only piece of advice is to feel these feelings. They don't have to be rational or make any sense, but if you allow yourself to feel, it helps to let it go. But letting go takes time.
Take good care of you!
~T
Grief is a strange phenomenon. And you have lost a major chunk of your life. I can only imagine how disconcerting it must feel to be in your shoes.
My only piece of advice is to feel these feelings. They don't have to be rational or make any sense, but if you allow yourself to feel, it helps to let it go. But letting go takes time.
Take good care of you!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 19
Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Maybe this is the closure to what has been a terribly difficult part of my life. The funeral is tomorrow. I wont be going, as it would be totally inappropriate. Maybe what Im feeling IS just part of the grieving process and once this is all over I can move on. At the moment though, it has all come rushing back like it happened just yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by rexesmum 
Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Maybe this is the closure to what has been a terribly difficult part of my life. The funeral is tomorrow. I wont be going, as it would be totally inappropriate. Maybe what Im feeling IS just part of the grieving process and once this is all over I can move on. At the moment though, it has all come rushing back like it happened just yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by rexesmum
I wont be going, as it would be totally inappropriate.
I would only consider attending a funeral inappropriate, if my ex had re-married and my presence could/would cause stress or upset to his new family, mourning his loss.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by Eight Ball
I personaly dont think thats its 'totally inappropriate' to go to the funeral, to pay your respects and remember someone you once loved and the father of your children. I am sure that you would be of great comfort to your children too, dealing with a difficult day, especially if they are happy for you to be there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 19
Hi again.......I shoukd probably explain why it is inappropriate for me to attend the funeral. Firstly, my youngest daughter and I live around 900kms away. My eldest daughter lives in the same state as my XAH did. There was a lot of ill feeling between myself and his family over his alcoholism. They didn't recognise that he had a problem with his drinking and blamed the whole breakdown of the marriage on me. Almost from the day we separated they ceased all contact with my youngest daughter even though I encouraged her to stay in contact. In the end though I could see no point in her maintaining contact. I have spoken to my daughter at length about whether she/we should go or not and we both decided, each for our own reasons, that we should stay away. We have decided instead, to meet up with my eldest daughter soon and the three of us will spread his ashes.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by rexesmum
We have decided instead, to meet up with my eldest daughter soon and the three of us will spread his ashes.
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