onlythetruth

I keep seeing this theme come up so often. People quit drinking but they are still manipulative and self-centered, and observers then say that they aren't working on their "recovery".

This is just my own perspective, but my own thinking is that the reason the behavior continues is that such people are working TOO hard at their "recovery". They come to frame everything in their lives around the battle against addiction, failing to realize that what most people call "good sobriety" has very little to do with being abstinent from substances and everything to do with being a healthy adult human being. Which one does not learn to be, when all one does is focus on the substance one used to be addicted to. It really is not learned, either, in the rooms of recovery programs especially if those programs are used as a way of hiding from life.

Maybe the truth, really, is that health is something BEYOND recovery. I don't know. All I know is that the less I think about drinking and the more I think about what I can do to be a better wife, mother, daughter, friend and employee, the better my life is, and the better my relationships are.

CeciliaV

the more I read through responses here & elsewhere, I have to think that my upbringing has something to do with me staying in a relationship with my (hopefully recovering) AH. My dad always drank a lot (watered down wine or scotch or whatnot before, during, and after dinner) and my mom was and still is a teetotaller. Never drank a drop in her life. All the men in my extended family would always whoop it up at holidays and get pretty looped (although never scary or anything). Not sure if it was an old-world thing (all immigrants from the adriatic area), but it seemed to be accepted as the norm by all the women-folk, or at least that was the message that we kids got.

My dad's drinking was always an issue with her because she just didn't understand it at all, but it got to be more of an issue when he retired - he was laid off just a year or so shy of retirement age. It was the first time in decades that he wasn't working. I think it broke him and drove him over the edge. When his doctor put him on blood pressure meds, he made a big stink about trying to confirm with the doc that he could still drink while on them. And he started drinking a LOT more (or at least we all noticed it more). Like going through whole full sized bottles when he would visit us for vacations - he'd write it off as "well, I'm on vacation!" and would start drinking about 11am (!). It got worse - apparently, he was filling water bottles with vodka. Which he hid in the trunk of his car. My mom gave him an ultimatum and he quit drinking. Or so I'm told how the story went - my mom only told my sister about it and has never mentioned it to me, so I'm going by a now third-hand story.

I must have normalized and ignored this drinking behavior. Don't get me wrong - he was and still is a great, hard working, loving, supportive dad...but looking back, I now realize that instead of just being 'cranky' every now and again, he was probably hung over or just plain drunk and surly (which is so the opposite of his normally super-friendly happy-guy behavior). Sigh. It's so hard to see the faults in the people you love dearly.

Spes

I wasn't going to reply but I have learned that I must be willing to address my fears. You are asking without judgement and for that I am grateful.

I choose to stay knowing exactly what will happen because I don't want her to die alone. That's it, pure and simple. I'm not a victim nor do I think I am anyone other than this is what I choose to do.

The children are adults living away from home and I am physically safe. I have been driven to the depths of despair and the wonderful people here at SR have helped me climb out of the hole. I read everything here to help me understand and some days I really feel like throwing in the towel and starting over....but I choose to stay.

To answer your question....in my particular case.....I simply made the choice to stay. A couple people here have made a big difference in my life including a post by Harley D which I read every day when I get up and again before I go to sleep. Am I making the right decision? I don't know but since you said your question wasn't a judgement but a question of interest, then I am saying sometimes it is simply a personal choice.

SoloMio

Thank you. I suppose I should add that to my list as well. It certainly is part of the hard truth.

webber1

Such a good thread..

Until my AH ex I had no idea what a alcoholic was. Intially I thought bad drunk and it went on from phase to phase. For me I stayed because I honestly thought she would get better.

5 years later and Im free.. My spirit is soaring.. WHY ? Because for the first time in years I put myself first. All the frustration the pain is leaving me.. I honestly think that the effects of yr partners addiction shatter your being. But there comes a point where simply Enough is enough. It was either me or her..

We stay because we hope... We leave because the reality of that hope is so different..

Argnotthisagain

I can relate so much... Chaotic young life==high pain threshold, and desperate need for love. Mistaking immature love-drama for the real thing (how would I know what the real thing looks like, anyway? And it felt SOOO GOOD).

What you said that resonated strongly for me:

High emotional pain threshold thanks to a chaotic young life
Fear of confrontation and change
He was such a nice guy and great dad when sober
I thought hope was a friend but it was really an enemy...

...If I could rewind the clock with what I know now, I would be respectful of my own needs. I can see now that I had absolutely NO regard for myself.

I'm finally coming to terms with self-respect, praise the Lord. But "loving" others more than me for decades was the main reason I've traveled this road."

I got to my wall, yes---I finally saw that his abusive blow-outs and the other misery was not getting better, only worse. I was having tons of various health issues and started having panic attacks so bad, I called 911 and went to the ER---couldn't breathe. It was hyperventilation, something I never experienced before. Just came on me one morning while I was upstairs getting ready for work. He was down stairs living in the weird, dirt floor, cold, dungeony basement, in self imposed exile to punish himself for his latest, really bad, blow out at me (and to "control" his anger/rage, I suspect).

I started putting gears in motion so we could split---the house was a big factor --it's a hard place to live, and he was saving me. Truly; I have real appreciation to him-- he's an old Marine, he does the Savior Role, but goes too far and then screws himself up, I guess.......

Anyway, I loved him for that and for his good side, and probably would have continued to deny how miserable the misery was and would have probably stuck it out longer if he hadn't also been forced to leave because the only work he could get was for his brother in another state.

I'm doing better and better, bit by bit, up and down, but the downs are getting shorter and less overwhelmingly anguished. Obsessing a little less and a little less every day over someone who's been out of my life for almost a year.

I need to fill up the empty hole in MY soul--I need to battle my own loneliness, isolation, fear of life, I need to continue to BUILD Strength, Self-Esteem and Expand my life.

chronsweet

Oh boy! Why have I stayed? At first, I stayed because we were just having a good time (or so I thought). To be honest, he was always really stand-offish about our relationship. We dated for over a year and he always told me that he 'didn't want to play house with me, didn't want me to consider him my boyfriend." SO, it was kind of a challenge for me at that time in my life. I was going through a divorce and my Granny died which caused some major turmoil in my dysfunctional family (too long of a story to go into detail about). So, basically I lost my entire family support system, my husband and all the friends we had. I walked away from a lot of people in my life. When I met the A in my life, I was just having fun, being care-free and there were always a lot of people around whom I started considering my friends.

I couldn't understand why my A didn't want ME to be his girlfriend. I was beautiful, funny, had a good job, and was really into him. What I didn't know and that he kept hidden from me for a long time was that he was a former heroin addict that moved to my state to get away from his old friends after he almost died from overdosing. I didn't realize that his daily drinking or the fact that I always saw him drunk was something he had been doing for years. I didn't know he LOVED beer and couldn't live without it. I didn't realize that he was the type of person who could just take, take, take in a relationship and not feel one ounce of remorse for it. I have never experienced this type of a person in a relationship sense and so I was confused by all the conflicting messages. He didn't 'want me to be his girlfriend' but was fine with me being 'around' most of the time. He didn't 'want me to be his girlfriend' but when he moved out of his place he came and stayed at mine and that was okay too.

I realize how clingy and desperate I was at the time I met him. I have NEVER been like that before. As I stated I was going through some major problems emotionally. THEN, I got pregnant by accident and I thought that maybe *NOW* he would want to 'play house'. Maybe *NOW* he would understand the meaning of a relationship. But, to be honest, I have never felt so alone in this relationship (if you can call it that) since I had my son. I feel very close to my kiddo, but so apart from the man I live with. He tries to tell me that I got pregnant and so now it is MY duty to make this relationship work. I have done nothing but try to make it work, try to force something that he DOESN'T want and has never wanted. It has taken me a long time to realize that I have been used, verbally, mentally and physically abused. I was seriously just confused by what was happening. I have now seen the light and have for almost a year and am giving up on the dream and the hope that maybe I can make him be someone he is not.

Thanks for letting me share. Sorry if that was long or confusing!

Loopydays

I, like Mike, grew up in an alcoholic home- and it was my normal - stupidly I knew my husband was an alcoholic when I married him- thought I could fix it!
Stayed as he was functional, have 3 children and I liked him
Seperation and Divorce were not an option- came from a multi divorced family myself and married a Catholic
Still with him, he is now in early recovery, willing to give him a chance if he works at it-
Have business to fold, financial security to work out-
But finally after 23 yerars now respect myself enough to know that I can just as easily live without him as with him- which is so liberating!!
So now I take every day as it comes- no expectations for the near future- no more futile hoping- safe in the knowledge that his family know what is going on, and all realise that this marriage now depends on his behaviour- I no longer am prepared to be the strong one

FireSprite

This is us exactly. We had many, many great sober years before the train came off the tracks. And while eventually there was emotional abuse via lies & manipulations, he has never been a physically abusive drunk so I was never afraid in ways I hear from so many others. Plus, since he hid so much of his volume of drinking - I had no real clue that we were battling against alcoholism until he was already seeking help from AA.

rhondaseven

We all have lenses that were developed all our life and as adults we are still looking through those lenses. For most here, our upbringing had distortions of behavior that became familiar. I think for the most part we have low self worth. There is no excuse why I am where I am; I waited many years to marry my A. I have only been married to him for six months but he was my high school sweet heart and we have known each other for over 30 years. I wouldn't marry him all this time because of his drinking and smoking pot etc., I raised my children in a christian home and they are grown now. So for some reason I thought now I could handle the situation and help him. I felt like he had lost everything and was going to die if someone didn't step in and SAVE him. Why would I do that? Do i love him. I would say yes. But I basically conned my way into his life so to speak. Or this time pursued him. I thought I knew what alcoholism was being that my step father was an A. But I was wrong. This is the worse I have ever seen in my life. I had no idea that it could be this bad with someone. So now, I have to figure out how to get myself out of this situation. So I guess for me, it was a dream that I always had of one day being married to this man believing that our life would be so great now that we are adults and kids grown, less stress etc., no, it isn't like that at all. I just have to figure out why would I now at this time in my life believe that. I am a psychology major studying to help people in this situation and I haven't helped myself very well. He isn't in recovery, and says whatever needs to be said at the time to appease me or get me to believe he will change and then bam back to drinking. He will use God discussions to trick me into believing he cares what God has to say about anything?? Today he said that me asking him to quit drinking is like him asking me to stop worshipping God?? I know you all have similar. Just venting, first time on here and I am really disappointed in myself. But I would close in saying that I don't believe anyone that was raised in a healthy home would make the same decisions. We sometimes donot have all the tools at the get go but have to have a on the job experience and training before we actually learn the correct life skills. Thanks for listening.