Does counseling help, and what kind?
 

LearnTo Swim,

You are not taking your child away from his father. You ABF choices and actions are.
Your first and formost obligation is to you baby, and yourself. And neither of you deserve to be held hostage by his unacceptable behavior.

You will never find happiness with an active alkie. You are not psychotic, you are feeling the effects of living with an addict. This is what they do, lie, deny, control, manipulate, and repeat........

Read everything you can about addiction, take the time to learn what you are truly dealing with. Alanon is another resource you should check into.

Take care of you, and your munchkin.
We are here, you are not alone.

I've been seeing a counselor who specializes in addiction and codependency for the past 2 months. It's really helping me get my head screwed on straight. My husband is an alcoholic.

The last counselor was not all that up on alcoholism, and I really feel like we (my AH and I) spun our wheels with him. Getting a counselor who "gets" alcoholism is key. Ours didn't and he missed a lot of huge red flags.

PS, I meant counseling for YOU. Counseling for the two of you is a waste of time and money as long as he's unable to look at his addiction.

Al Anon meetings would be a great place for you to start and they're free. And, no you're not psychotic. Alcoholics are known for being crazy makers, it's part of the disease. Al Anon will not give you advice, they will just sit and listen and offer you assistance in the form of support and love. You could always try counseling for yourself and see if you like it, you don't have to keep going if it doesn't work for you.

I think I will go to Al Anon, I used to think it was just for AL. but i guess not,

"This is what they do, lie, deny, control, manipulate, and repeat........"

Its so crazy how dead on that is, He's always done that and it took my son to make me realize it. I think this will take a long time for me to get my head on straight, I worry he will never get his head on straight..

I will go to a meeting and see what I can learn.

I have gotten a lot out of Al-Anon and therapy. A lot.

I agree though that finding a therapist with experience in addiction and codependency were really helpful to me. I have done both marriage and individual counseling, but typically if active alcohol use is in play they say marriage counseling does not help. Individual counseling is truly the best gift I have ever given myself.

This is just my opinion, of course, but I think the best type of therapy for you would be individual therapy with someone who understands addictions and codependency,and is open-minded about recovery pathways.

Such a person can help you sort out your feelings and values, and help you figure out the best way forward for you and even help determine whether couples counseling would be helpful. (I would not START with couples counseling, I think you need someone whose focus is just on you--not because you are "the crazy one" but because you are in a terrible situation and have decisions to make.)

AA is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for you. You could also talk to some adult children of alcoholics, who grew up with an alcoholic parent or parents, to learn how it could affect your son if you stay in this situation.

thank you guys so much, i don't know what i would do without this website

My husband keeps on insisting that we seek marital counseling. He recently began drinking again and thinks are taking a turn for the worst. He is manipulating me into thinking that I am the problem, seeking validation to drink from his mother (the enabler) and his friend (the addict) and shuns away anyone who tells him he needs to seek help before it's too late - which is why he wants to see someone. However, he refuses to see a counselor who is familiar with chemical dependency and substance abuse. Me (the one who tries to control everything) is trying to find ways around it and seeking a counselor who is familiar with this kind of stuff. I need to learn to let go and detach, and have faith that my "Higher Power" will guide us to the appropiate person who can insist that he looks at his addiction. I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.

As for your boyfriend, I completely understand what you are going through. My daughter is 5 months old and I had to hide my pain medication after having a c-section, in fear that he would take it. I kept a log of every pill I took and counted the pills each time I took it. Again, I was trying to control the situation and prevent him from relapsing. When he did relapse about a month ago, I hid the left over medication. I only needed it for the first week and after that motrin alone was plenty. I should probably take it to the police and have it properly discarded rather than keeping it in the house, waiting for it to expire.

As for your question regarding counseling, I am in the same boat! I want to see a counselor with my husband but, he refuses to see one who will force him to look at himself. He "refuses to play the role of an addict in our marriage" and believes he is not an addict and that "I want him to be." Excuse me? Why the F*** would I wish this vicious disease on anyone and then deliberately choose to live my life with an active addict? I made a commitment to him when we were married that I would stand by him through sickness and health. I am going to try to keep the promise that I made, unless his behavior becomes unacceptable and out of control. I have to protect myself and my daughter because we are most important right now. In order to try to make this work, I know that I have to work on myself and find support, love, and tools on how to make this situation healthy for me in the time being. This is why I am going to attend Al-Anon. I agreed to give counseling a try in hopes that he will see that he is very sick and needs help before things completely spiral out of control.

Good luck!

I reiterate that protecting your child from the very destructive words and actions of an active alcoholic is your primary purpose. The effects a child being in the persence of someone who is drunk and abusive can cause long terms problems.

I tried relationship therapy with my exAH (whilst we were together), we only made 5 appointments, attended 2, because ex cancelled the others, and at that point I gave up. I didn't find it helpful, I was unable to open up, I knew ex would use anything I shared against me (and I was right, the few things I did impart have been thrown back in my face ever since). Ex dominated the conversation, saying all the "right" things, but none of it squared with his behaviour when not in therapy and some of it was down-right lies.

later (years later - and when I was still with him) I went to see a counsellor, primarily to deal with my increasing social phobia and anxiety, BUT I chose her from a list sent to me by my local Drug and Alcohol service, she used lots of different techniques, lectured at the local university (so I could check out her papers and credentials) and had worked with addiction.

I turned up telling her my Husband was an alcoholic, but I didn't want to talk to her about that, just my anxiety issues. She was fab, we really clicked, and she helped me enormously, as I sorted through my feelings, what was happening at home (and yes, ex's alcoholism!).

I also tried al-anon, for more than 6 sessions, the people were lovely, warm, non-judgemental, but I didn't find the messages there particularly helpful. Others have had a vastly different experience, and found it wonderful.

FYI Beani :)

where i live you can take unused medication to any pharmacy/primary care physician/hospital to have it properly disposed of, might be the case where you live?