Not come home - scared, what do I do?
 

Advice please - my XABF texted over two hours ago to say he was on his way back from work. He still isn't back and I feel sick. He has never gone AWOL during the week as he somehow protects his job. This week though he has been sad as he us moving out at the weekend. He drives from work and it should take him 45 mins max. He isn't answering his phone and I've woken up to find him still not here. Can't see the car here. I have to get up in six hours to travel several hours for a work meeting but panicking and can't sleep. Am worried he is drinking and don't know how to switch off. Feel so close to getting out of this situation but so scared even that is being undermined. Any advice how to tune out? Sorry for panicked post.

Sorry, it's midnight here.

Hi Anon :)
Have a cup of tea and watch some TV for a while. Thats all I can suggest. Absolutely no point getting yourself upset about it and wondering about things that may not be happening. Guage the situation when he gets home and go from there.

Thanks. I need to sleep though. He is quite likely to not come home til 4am. I've called twice and texted - so easily fell back into old patterns. Do I try to act as normal? What if he isn't back when I need to leave? I never could do detachment.

Distraction is the only way to tune out IMO. If you have a TV/radio in your bedroom turn it on. Or maybe read a book/magazine. Or practice some deep breathing - might sound a bit naff but it really works for me.

Worrying is not going to make a blind bit of difference to what time he comes home at. Do you think he is worrying about you being at home waiting for him? Nope! I know it's easier said than done to switch off, believe me I do, I have a crazy obsessive mind that almost never stops. But if you can do anything else to distract yourself, try it!!

You won't sleep if you try to sleep, end of. The harder you try, the more anxious/stressed you will feel.

Try my tips above - it will stop the obsessive thinking and you might just realise how tired you are and zone out eventually!

You could try calling the local prison/jail to ask if he's in there.

Been there, a lot, and as recently as last week.

It's turned into a rude habit my ABF has- just going to the bar, not letting me know, I come home for dinner, wait around like an idiot, when I start calling he doesn't answer and eventually turns his phone off. the one time he did tell me he was goin out, I slept well. Otherwise, just like you, I wake up, panic, my heart races, I cry, and you know what? I come here. I can't focus on a book, my emotions race all over the place, I go out on my balcony and do some deep breathing. I hope that as I work on myself, I can better control this reaction, but for now, sounds like we are in this together!

Also, i don't say anything when he comes home. I've found it enough to make it known to him that I'm still awake without actually talking about why and starting a fight. I fall asleep quickly when I know he's made it home safely.

Adventure, I tried your deep breathing and managed to get to drop off. Thank you. Woke again at 4am and no sign and now up and he hasn't come home. He has done this once before but not during the week.

I have two fears - something has happened to him, he's crashed car and lying in a ditch somewhere. He has also never driven drunk as far as I'm aware but there is always a first. Part of me thinks he has probably slept in the car as he has done that before. The other option is he stayed at his parents but he wouldn't dream of drinking with them so I would have had a text. He works near them.

Or, my next worry which is greater is what happens today - if he goes to work smelling of alcohol, he will get fired. He is meant to be signing the lease tonight for his new flat he moves into . AGain, if they smell alcohol, that could fall through - if he loses his job, it will fall through. I'm not worried for him, I am worried for me. I am so close to getting out of this panic rollercoaster and now it's getting worse with just days to go.

I have to go to a work meeting several hours train away and as much as I'd like to cancel as I feel like sh1t, I don't think I should. I don't know whether to ring his parents later and ask them to call him later and check he's ok. At least I share some worry - they are beyond detached and have often seen it as 'our problem'. Or do I ring later? I am angry he has done this now but I don't want to argue, I want him to clean himself up so he doesn't lose his job and the lease is signed. And I want to know he's ok.

Ok, he's just got back - crying, sounds soberish. Says he has been walking all night - I doubt that very much. Alcohol is always involved. I'm relieved he is alive but worried he will drink during today and screw up signing the lease. ASsuming the lease exists. Am now doubting everything. I have counselling tonight so am going to try and focus on work til then.

Thank you for your help.

Glad he's home and you can relax. The stories they tell to explain long absences are insane aren't they!

I know! Like he walked all night (he was freezing when he got in) but it wasn't about drinking. Huh?? He even joked he had got exercise at least.

I'm not quite relaxed - worried about what will happen when I get back. Have had text since apologising for stressing me out and it was last thing either of us needed. Did everything not to ask him to drink - just said it saddened me if the next few days were like this and I wanted him to get help. He replied that he wants to sort himself out and us to enjoy next few days. We are splitting up, he is moving out at weekend - enjoyable is the last thing the next few days will be! I just wanted it to be civil and without additional stress from drinking.

Glad he is not in a ditch I suppose.
I have had two experiences of pity-pot ex boyfriends. (1 x alcohol & 1 x marajuana) it always got to the stage where I was the one who didn't want to go home after work. It was such a relief to me when I was away from them. Thats the key I think... get them outta your house and then it is no longer your emotional problem. They can latch on to the the next poor person. You have done your bit, its up to him now. Never feel guilty! Have a good meeting :) x

My RAH used to do this to me everytime I had had enough.

In my opinion he is pitying himself and you can be sure he was not "walking all night".

Do not let this sway your trajectory.
He is a big boy. This is a critical moment for you to escape a bad situation.
All he has is manipulation.

I used to not only tun off my ringer, but turn off my phone. He was always OK, in the end. He was always fine. While I nearly developed an ulcer.

He is definitely pitying himself. He doesn't realise this behaviour is confirming my decision, not making me doubt it. I would find it harder if he had been sober the last three weeks. This is way less attractive.

I smell a rat!!! He is one big fat liar!!!

Walking around all night........
Tomorrow it will be abducted by aliens!!!

Am so annoyed at myself - been staying at a friend's so I don't need to play the 'will he be normal or drunk' game. He texted me this morning to say he is going to sort himself out and hoped I had a good day. We've been here before.

I wasn't going to contact him but I wanted to know what time the removal guy was booked for on Sat as I want to make my plans. I texted this afternoon and no response still. Either he hasn't booked one yet (the lease is supposedly being signed every night this week) or he is drunk. I have stupidly spent all afternoon at work watching my phone like a hawk feeling sick.

I told him my mum was coming down on Saturday to take me out when he is moving (my counsellor advised it in case he had any plans to get drunk at home and not move) and said I'd be back Friday night. I work in media and am 'on call' this weekend so need my wifi friday night in case I can work, otherwise I'd stay at my friend's. If he is drunk Friday night though, I will just go to my mum's instead and plan my plan b - contacting his parents adn failing that the landlord.

When I went back after my counselling session last night, before I left, he told me he wanted to make me breakfast before he moved out. After everything he wanted to have 'one last breakfast' - so bizarre. He wants to have an 'enjoyable few days' and make me breakfast one last time etc. but he thinks drinking while doing this will make for a great memory. This is the worst week of my life. I woudln't wish this on my worst enemy - I don't want to remember our relationship like this, or him like this, as I'm struggling to remember the good stuff now and I know there was lots of good stuff before this took hold. I'm sure once he goes, my mind will play tricks and that will be all I can remember but I just wish I could have a sane few days.

I know in the long run it may make things easier - make me keep my resolve. I suppose its my turn to feel sorry for myself - I made a difficult decision that I'm following through with despite the most pain I've ever experienced emotionally and I don't understand why it had to be made even more difficult.

Oh, and my counsellor asked me if he might be doing coke given 'walking all night' isn't a very 'drunk' kind of behaviour. Great.

May I ask the reason for contacting his parents?

From my own personal experience, involving his family did not have the desired result I was hoping it would.

Please, do not sit down and allow him to make you breakfast, this is just more horsesh*t manipulation, he keeps trying to keep you coming back, it's nothing but a game to him.

I agree with your counselor about the possible coke, but I was thinking he is probably spending time with someone else....... again just my opinion.

If you can stay with friends until after he moves out, you can save yourself alot of pain and aggrevation. It would best for your well being if you did.

You have made a tough decision, you should be proud of yourself. Stay strong, you can do this.

What happened with your situation and his parents? I had written them off as they have previously made clear it was 'our' problem but my counsellor wondered whether if he was passed out drunk, i could call and explain he could choke etc and that wasnt my responsibility. Aware that they might do nothing.

I am wary they will probably not want to know but i doubt he has told them the whole story. if I can get him off the lease and if he was comatose, I thought it was worth a shot but am desperate.