PrettyViolets

I am just wondering how everyone's children are doing with the alcoholism of your significant other. It is really breaking my heart as my son gets older and realizes what is going on.

My husband will go for certain periods being sober, and then he will relapse. When my son was an infant, I just shut the door and sleep in the other room with my son. As a toddler, it is more difficult to shield him from his father's alcoholism. My son thinks so highly of his father. We found out we were pregnant with our second child at the end of November. And then we found out I was further along in my pregnancy at the beginning of January. I thought I was 9 weeks, and I was 18 weeks. I also found out that I was expecting a baby girl which I was really excited about. Later in January, there was a lot of snow which took our son out of daycare for almost a week, and my husband relapsed. It was just crazy dealing with my husband with a toddler and being 20 weeks pregnant at that point. My son saw us fighting because he had been drinking, and it really upset him a lot. As well, during this time, I just remember waking up while I was taking a nap and noticing that our son was crying and not calming down. I went out into the living room, and my husband was face down and our son was confused and crying. Luckily, my FIL came in and got my husband back into an outpatient program.

Everything was okay for a couple of months. But then, I started having bleeding issues with the pregnancy at the end of March, and I was on hospital bedrest for the most of April. My husband had to take care of our son. He was like the perfect father with bringing our son to the hospital to visit me every day. It was stressful not being able to be there for my son during that time. I was released from the hospital. I went spent a couple of days at home and then back to work for 3 days in April.

My daughter was born at the end of April. She spent a week at the hospital. I spent only two nights at the hospital when my daughter was born. The night that I came home from the hospital, my husband relapsed. We were arguing again about him drinking, and my son got upset and started vomiting everywhere. I kept explaining to my husband that if he is drunk then he cannot take care of our son. A week later, I was in the other room, when I heard "God DAMMIT". Our son had hit my husband in the nose, and my husband reacted loudly to it. I told my husband that I would take care of our son and to just take care of himself. Our son got really upset because of my husband's tone, and he was crying and he threw up on me. Again, our son is a toddler who just turned 2 years old, and I reminded him that he has to be careful about his tone with a child.

Last night, he had been drinking, and our son got really upset and started crying uncontrollably because how my husband was acting in a drunken state. My son just went into a dazed state, and then he went to sleep and slept for the rest of the night and all night long. My husband slept next to our son's crib last night while he was sleeping off his drunken state. Our son was back to his happy toddler self this morning, and I got him ready for daycare just like every day. And I told my husband this morning what had happened, and he said he did not remember.

It is like I can tell the difference between my son just being a normal 2 year old throwing a tantrum and my son being a 2 year old who is really upset and confused about what is happening to his father and what is happening to us as well.

I just needed to share this. I love my husband and his family. His family has helped us out a lot financially. As well, his parents have tried to help with their son's alcoholism. It is just hard on all of us. He keeps relapsing. I am not planning on leaving. I just want us to be a normal family, and I want the best for our children. I could really use your prayers.

It is like I am worried that my husband will lose his job, or that he will get into an accident, or something bad will happen to one of our children. And I am worried how this will affect our children in the future.

gerryP

The abuse has started and your 2 year old is already showing the signs of emotional damage caused by your husbands alcoholism. You do understand that, don't you? Hang on to your seat, because it's going to get a whole lot worse for your Son and daughter too. Hope and a prayer is not a strategy.

Florence

You are seeing the effects of stress on the two-year-old body. You're not supposed to get used to this or just observe it, you're supposed to spring into action. This is a real issue. What are you doing about this?

You are worried that something will happen to you or your husband or your kids if he continues to drink. May I suggest that something bad is already happening to you all? There is rarely one big event. You're a frog in hot water, and you've just noticed that it's starting to bubble. Don't wait until it's boiling over before you spring into action. Your son is already showing serious signs of stress. You need to go back and look at this situation really closely. I understand that you are vulnerable and disempowered -- I'm a mother of two, and nursed my husband through rehab while I was pregnant last year -- but it's time to start assembling Team PrettyViolets so you're taken care of if and when this train goes off the rails. But your baby is already sending out stress signals.

Get your son to the pediatrician to rule out anything else, and then get yourself into treatment so you can take care of your kids. Go to Al-Anon meetings, get a counselor, and make sure that if your husband's parents are going to be your go-to people that they're also in treatment. Get the focus off of your husband's drinking. He's going to do what he's going to do, but you have control over the quality of your life and the quality of your babies' childhoods.

Seren

Hi PrettyViolets, It's really nice to see you again! How wonderful that you have a new baby! I hope you have recovered from the complications associated with that pregnancy.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband continues in his active addiction. I know you had high hopes for him around the time of your marriage.

My husband's youngest grandson is about the same age as your oldest boy. He is a very sensitive and intelligent child. I can only imagine how he would react if one parent was an alcoholic and both parents argued all the time. He would probably become physically ill from the constant stress and lack of security he would feel. I can only imagine the same is true for your son, although I really don't know.

I know you love your husband very much, but I hope that you will be the voice and advocate for your precious children. They cannot speak for themselves and cannot remove themselves from a household with active addiction--but you have that power.

Many hugs and prayers for you, your children, and your husband. HG

suki44883

He keeps relapsing. I am not planning on leaving. I just want us to be a normal family, and I want the best for our children.

Nothing about alcoholism is normal. You want the best for your children, but you won't leave. Those two things are polar opposites. Your 2 year old is already suffering health problems because of the fighting. Your new daughter has all of that same stuff to look forward to. If you truly want what is best for your children, you should remove them from a home with active addiction. Sorry, but your child is already suffering and it will only get worse.

flutter

This breaks my heart. I have a 2 year old, and I cannot fathom for the life of me purposefully putting him in a situation of chaos, abuse, and instability.

My parents were both alcoholics, so I didn't have a sober parent to help me escape the insanity. It really screwed me up. For life. As triggering as this post is, I'm not going to type every thought I'm having right now because it really wont be helpful, other than to say that it is your job to protect your children, to enhance their lives and provide for an enriching, loving and stable environment. Your decision to keep them in such a horrible situation is confusing at best.. abusive at worst.

God doesn't fix this stuff. You were made the guardian and protector of those sweet children.

Windmills

Do you know how yours husband's behaviour makes you feel? Well that's just how your son feels. Except he's a baby and he doesn't understand feelings and cant deal with or process them. Your daughter too. They will be scared, anxious etc etc. of course they can't name it or explain it, but that doesn't make it less real. They're just little tiny people and I think it's SO important to have empathy for them. Your husband isn't safe to be left alone with either of the kids, it takes ONE second for something bad to happen. You're their mother- its your job to keep them safe, it's painful to read you just documenting the horrible effects this is having on your son and then staying you don't plan to leave.
Sending hugs. I have a 2 year old and she has me crazy, I can't imagine having a newborn too!

NYCDoglvr

You can have neither while living with an active alcoholic. Alcoholism is progressive and as it continues the time between drunks shortens until -- typically -- it becomes daily. My heart breaks for your and your children. As for the effect it has on your children I think you've already seen that.

WorkInProgress8

Get out of there yesterday! If youre not going to do it for yourself then at least do it for those beautiful children you have.

mattmathews

I'm reminded of the Kelly Clarkson song What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger) I totally understood the lyric: You know the bed feels warmer Sleeping here alone

Buffalo66

Pretty Violets, I would like to share something. TAke what you like and leave the rest, as they say:

I also wanted that recovery for my RAH. I cannot tell you how many times my RAH, while still active, did not react appropriately to our son as a toddler. Childish. NOw, i did not let him live with us while using, but for a few times we tried for a few months at a stretch. It was awful. Son always confused, RAH always making excuses, never knowng what to expect, when there would be a blow up, or a panic attack on his part.

I put him out. It took years and child support, and legal separation threats, plus pressure from his family, but he got sober. Rehab. He is 18 months plus sober now, and is doing great at work, and is making money, new cars, etc.
That, however is where the magical fantasy of recovery ends for me. He is still messed up. He is still childish. He is not going to regular meetings. He is manic and driven and emotionally disconected at best, terribly verbally and psychologically abusive to me at worst. He lived here for 5 mos out of rehab, I put him out for 6 mos, then he came back for 6 mos, then I put him out again. Stil erratic, still we never know what is going to happen. In a nutshell:

STILL LIVING oN EGGSHELLS> That is no life.
I think the main point I am trying to make is this:
You need to recover your sense of responsibility for the kids and for your own SANITY without that fantasy of the perfect recovered alcoholic dream.

I go to alanon, it's no secret that the recovering alcoholics mostly remain selfish, stunted, and entitled. Careless with others. .. The ones who rise up and above all that are working SO hard that they may have to neglect family in lieu of self repair.

It is an ugly reality, but one I want you to hear.
I am now in grief over not only that "dream" of how I thought all would be well if he just got sober! Anything would be better than the using alcohol...

Just not true. It is almost(ALMOST) worse. My son still gets excuses. He is 7. I work hard on keeping him clear. He has his own therapist, for Gods sake. He knows his dad has problems that are his to work out(RAH's to work out). He is very aware. and that kind of sucks. But, its the best scenario in a bad situation.

Now, RAH has rights...he works to stay physically sober. Yes. good for him.

The problems do not all just go away. Let go of that fantasy. It will save you years. I realized last night I am grieving over something else:
The time I spent invested in that dream that it would all just be OK if he would only quit the drink. My time. My life. My childs' sense of innocence and carefree days.

wanttobehealthy

I could not and would not perhaps believe the following, until I saw it happening in front of me. I wouldn't listen to all those on here who told me what I will say to you. And I wish I had. My AH wasn't different or unique and my situation became just like others said it would. Your AH unless he gets into recovery won't be different or unique and your kids and you will suffer the same as many of the rest of us. Here goes:

How your kids will be impacted: They will be jumpy, anxious, hesitant, doubt themselves, they won't express their feelings comfortably and freely and may instead either get angry or keep it all inside. They will feel that the unspoken tension is their fault and apologize for things that aren't their doing. And you will see the changes in them slowly as they get older and it will break your heart and the longer you stay and keep them in the situation the harder it will be to leave.

I started reading on here when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old (and my older daughter at the time was 2). My kids are now 6 and 4 and have been impacted in ways that I can't fix overnight. My 1st grader looks to others to see how she should feel, act, behave and is scared of her own shadow (ptsd type stuff). My 4 yr old is aggressive and angry and the girls fight a lot. They have heard their father tell me for years not to express myself and why all my feelings are wrong and they've internalized it.

There's so many things I could say and probably could say it more clearly than I have.

I guess I would just say, please don't make the same mistake I did. Trust that others here know the path this is headed down. Get away from it with your kids asap. You can't protect them and stay in the same house with an active addict. I don't care who says otherwise. It's impossible. They are impacted and I am living proof of what happens when you hear all of this and don't listen. My life has gotten a lot messier and a lot worse because I didn't take action sooner. Please do yourself and your kids a favor and don't wait to be proven right.

I felt that I had to stay until I knew for sure that all the bad things that I was told would happen, had. I felt that people would judge me for leaving for no reason if there was nothing tangible to say "see, look what happened". The price I am paying for that is enormous and more importantly, the price my innocent kids have paid is far too much.

PrettyViolets

Thank you for the hugs and prayers. My daughter is a real cutie. She has long legs like her dad. I put some Hello Kitty booties on her feet, so she looks adorable.

In my pregnancy, I had an issue of placenta previa. I started bleeding on the morning of March 29th. They admitted me to the hospital to the antepartum unit. I asked to go home from my obgyn due to issues with my husband and my son. They let me go home for bedrest on March 31st. They did tell me that if I was readmitted that I could not ask to go home again--they would say that it was against medical advice and the insurance would not pay out on it.

I went to a followup appointment on April 3rd because I was still bleeding. They did a vaginal ultrasound and determined that my cervix was 12mm and had blood above it. I was readmitted to the hospital. My son had been born close to 31 weeks, so they were trying to do everything they could do to prolong the pregnancy. I was 31 weeks at that point. I went crazy on hospital bedrest. they had me talking to a social worker and psychiatrists. It is really hard to be pregnant when you are bleeding. They were worried that I would start red bleeding heavily and that I would not be close to a hospital. Due to the previa issue, they would need to do a c-section at that point. I had a borderline red bleeding on early April 14th where there was a 50/50 situation for a c-section. They kept me on the monitor all night long, and finally I was taken off the monitor in the morning. I later had a smaller red bleeding episode on April 16th that they were able to stop. I finally had a good ultrasound on April 20th where they realized that my placenta had moved out the way, and I was cleared for a vaginal birth. And that there was not as much bleeding above the cervix and my cervix was now 18mm. So I got the blessing from my obgyn to leave the hospital.

The hospital bedrest situation was so stressful. I knew it was good that I was there because of my bleeding issues. But I was so uncomfortable being pregnant, especially with bleeding. It put more stress on my husband to completely take care of our son--he had to drop off and pick up our son at daycare and take care of our son at night. Normally, I pick up our son at daycare, and I help with taking care of our son. My husband dropped out of his recovery program that the went to once a week. We did have help from the inlaws who came in once a week.

I was also stressed about the bills that I was accumulating in the hospital. I was going crazy about that thinking that I would need to declare bankruptcy. I was really worried that I would not have anything to offer my daughter financially. My husband's grandmother is older and wanted to help us out, so she offered to take care of a hospital bill for us. Originally, with our son, we had quallified for K01 Medicaid that helped to pay for the 35 day in the hospital. At the end of my hospital stay, I called DSHS and asked what would be available as secondary insurance-- I ended up applying for pregnancy medical, newborn medical for my daughter, and children's medical for my son (I was worried if anything happened to him that it would be helpful to have the extra insurance). And we qualified for it, so this was the smartest thing that I did because it has covered a lot of hospital bills as secondary insurance. And my husband's grandmother paid for the Obgyn bill that was not covered by DSHS.

I am very thankful that everything went well and that my daughter is healthy and was born at the end of April. I am on maternity leave from my work and will be going back soon to work in June. My daugher is a party animal during the night. So I am really tired with pumping and keeping up with feeding my daughter. I will have her completely on formula when I go back to work.

SoaringSpirits

This is dissociation, aka "checking out," it's a defense mechanism and common in abusive situations.

Your children are being irreparably damaged with your husband in the house. Who are you kidding? You will never, ever have a 'normal' family with your husband. But those kids have you, and you have the power to remove them from this madness.

Don't hang in there like I did, wishing and hoping for an impossible fantasy. Now I've got an 18 year old who doesn't speak to me and who ran away, and 17, 14, and 11 year olds who are damaged by all the twisted, toxic alcoholic crap they had to live with.

Thumper

We live separate from their alcoholic father now. My boys were 3yo, 8yo, 10yo when we split. Some of the ways that they were impacted (lumping them all together here - they didn't all react the same) are they do not share their feelings, ever really. I think that sometimes they don't even know what they are feeling. They do not have a lot of friends because they do not put themselves out there. They do not trust people and are afraid they are not good enough. They ask people how they are feeling because they don't know. One of my children raged outwardly - at me mostly. Huge tantrums and anger. Lots of defiance and confusion. Trouble in school. One of my sons is very quiet, turns everything inward, is so sad and quiet at times although he does not talk about that or maybe doesn't even realize it. They are very sensitive to disapproval. They do not like to be scolded or talk about any wrong behavior. I think this is because their dad told them things were their fault or because I didn't love them or him and I made him leave. He made a mistake, and I made him leave. They think their behavior is the reason for of all the bad stuff (regarding their parents) in their life and even though I tell them all the time it is not true I think it must take hold in a small place in their heart. It is so very sad.

Life is different now that we live apart from their dad. There is more joy, less chaos, stability, I am a better mom, they are beginning to trust me and their place in the family. There is still great sadness there. I can't erase the past, erase alcoholism, or make everything perfect for them, but I can do the best I can.

I know but you don't have it. All the wishing, hoping, and praying in the world is not going to make it so. You have a family steeped in alcoholism and all the baggage and tragic legacies that brings.

What does the best for your children look like? A sober husband/father is a fantasy. Can you overlay an alcoholic like you describe in your post onto your 'best for your child' desire? The alcoholic father (and all he brings to the table) is either inside that picture or outside that picture but you can't morph him into a sober father because that is not who he is.

Those I have. You do need some prayers. There is a saying that I got from SR and I really benefited from it. A goal is not a plan. Hope is not a strategy. I had the goal of having that normal family. I had no plan to make that come true though because I refused to change the one thing about our family that was destroying us all - alcoholism. It was an immovable barrier to normal. I could not change my husband or get him to remove alcoholism, but I certainly had the power and ability to remove alcoholism from my family - I just had to see it that way. Family = responsibility and I'm responsible for myself and my kids. I had hope, endless hope that things would magically work out. I clung to that hope until somehow, over the years without even realizing it, I had no hope left. None. It was no kind of strategy at all.

Unfortunately, those are all very legitimate concerns. You should be thinking about how to be financially independent, safe childcare when needed, being very open and proactive with treatment for you and your children. You are living with alcoholism and it affects everyone. Things like al-anon, counseling, therapy for your little one's etc. Keep your circle of support active and large. Living with alcoholism tends to exhaust one in many ways and it is very common for the circle of support to shrink and shrink. Surround your children with positive role models. I did not follow that last bit of advice regarding large active circles of support for my children and myself and I regret it terribly.

Excellent advice - especially about taking your son to the pediatrician regarding the vomiting. Make sure there isn't something medical going on.

PrettyViolets

I like this post as well. I am in a different situation now. I was not in a lease at that point, and it was easier to leave financially at that point. I had only been married for a couple of months.

We were actually separated for 18 months. I told him that if he wanted to be married to me that he needed to stay sober and have a job. We talked almost every night on the phone. And we visited each other on the weekends. My husband was my best friend. We got back together and moved back in with each other.

Age and my pregnancy issues had a huge impact on me and my decisions. I was 35 years old when I married. I went through two painful miscarriages. I was put on baby aspirin, and I was able to carry my son to 31 weeks when I was 38 years old. With my daughter, I was thinking that I was running out of time when I turned 40 years old in September. I got confused thinking that I was going through menopause because I started having shorter periods every 20 days. I later found out that I was actually pregnant in September and October--I just did not know to test for it until the end of November when I did not get a period. My daughter was a real miracle--she was an under the radar baby.

I have to be honest about something. We all have choices in life. I keep running in women who are older --and they either have never been married or they got divorced--and it is like they so sad that they were never able to have their own children. Unfortunately, as women, we only have so much time to have our own natual born children. There no guarantee that we will get married again if we leave a marriage. I did not really want to adopt which is extremely expensive. And it is really expensive to try to raise kids on your own without a significant other. I also just did not want sperm donor. I wanted a father for my kids. I wanted a dad that they could love and not just hear about.

My inlaws have helped us out financially a lot. I have never had a finanical burden due to my husband's issue--his parents took care of everything and they took care of me. In fact, I was in a better financial situation than when I was single.

The inlaws will be helping us again with watching my daughter when I go back to work. I heard about two different cases where the baby died from a babysitter that was not watching the baby closely--and I just do not want to get a nanny at this point--it is expensive and you are just hoping as a parent that the babysitter will not be neglectful. I trust my inlwas to watch our kids. And I know that our daycare does a great job watching our son. We will be able to get my daughter into daycare when she is 3 months old.

I am trying to make the best decisions for myself and my kids. My husband is a paralegal at a family attorney. It is not like I can leave and just take the kids with me. And I know the inlaws will be there for our kids if anything happens. It is just that they do not want to raise our kids--that is our job. And I want to be on the good side of our inlaws because they help to watch our kids and they help us out financially.

I have to honest about something else. It really blanks to be single. There are guys out there in the dating pool that have other issues. Before I was married to my husband, the guys that I dated were either not faithful or they had other issues like being overweight--there was not really a perfect guy. I am 40 years old now. With my husband, I am attracted to my husband, and he is my best friend. My husband has been faithful to me. I really love his family. They have been there for me.

It is a personal decision that only that woman can make for herself. It is so easy for everyone to tell me to just leave my husband---unfortunately, I would be hit with the financial and emotions consequences of this advice. I have no regrets at trying to make my marriage work out. And I also have no regrets with having both of my children--God gave me the most beautiful kids--they are blessings to me. And I am so thankful that I am their mother.

suki44883

You came here asking how children do in a home of active addiction. We have told you. You also might want to take a trip over to our ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) forum and read for yourself. It isn't pretty. Your son is already suffering from the abuse he is living with. Your daughter will be next. Please protect your children.

wanttobehealthy

I got caught up for a long time in all the worries and what if's and thinking of all the ways things would change, how hard it would be, who would dislike me, even the fear of being alone, and the desire for the girls to have a father in their life and all that you write about that is keeping you stuck.

I get it.

If it's at all possible, stop thinking about it all. Just think about your kids and what would be best for them first. Then think of one small thing you can do to take steps toward leaving and protecting them.

When I let myself start thinking far ahead about jobs, houses, being alone, money, in laws etc... I got paralyzed. The problems that leaving would bring would overwhelm me and I'd stay.

My career now is a mess, my finances are a mess, my stbXAH will probably get 50/50 custody which kills me but it still is all better than being with him. My girls are like different kids when they are with me alone, free of the chronic stress caused in an alcoholic home. I can't even sit here and describe it all bc it pains me to think that deeply about what I subjected them to.

All your worries, anxieties, fears and sadness is valid and understandable. But you can feel all of that and STILL take your kids and go (or tell him to go).

The tantrum you are describing in your 2 yr old is eeriely reminiscent of my 4 yr old-- I thought "oh it's a phase, she'll outgrow it". Guess what? Not so much. And her older sister has zero self esteem and doesnt believe anything positive I tell her because she is so used to being afraid she'll be yelled at.

I am a hypocrite I realize saying all this because I didn't heed any of it when I was in your shoes. Please don't make the same mistakes I did.

Thumper

Yes of course it is your decision. Only you can weigh your own situation and decide what to do for yourself. That does not change the reality of your circumstances though. A family is not and can not be normal when one person is an active alcoholic. You asked about the children. The bottom line is that while there are consequences to leaving there are also consequences to living with active alcoholism and your children are and will be experiencing them. My post wasn't really about advising you to leave (although I see how it can read like that) but about assessing your circumstances and basing your decisions on reality, not on a fantasy. I spent many many years basing my actions on a fantasy I held in my head, not on the reality around me, and that is something to regret.

fedup3

PrettyViolet, you didn't mention your family only your husbands. Is there someone you can talk to? A good friend maybe? I came on this board a long time ago but never talked to anyone face to face with what was going on in my life and it wasn't until an act of violence happened that the truth about my husband came out. I thought no one knew that he was an alcoholic but that wasn't true, everyone knew. It was the most freeing single event in my life when I was finally able to talk about it, sort of bringing it to light and for the first time it broke the denial in me and it made it a reality which it was all the time. Please we do understand where you are at and our hearts break for you because only you can stop this madness and bring it to light for a chance to free yourself and you babies. Like you said you love being a mom and I'm sure you're a very good mom who only wants the best for them.