Called police Saturday night, 1st time.
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel 
And then go out and buy "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open up your eyes to the values, beliefs and misbeliefs that drive abusive behaviors. And after you read it, he will never be able to manipulate you again.
In other rage situations where there has just been shoving or arm grabbing, and this is recently, he leaves and takes off and there's no apology. In fact, he has gone from apologizing the next morning to no apology, to justifying or saying he's not sorry if I bring it up. This is the first time in a long time he's actually apologized, and the only other time was when he had done a similar thing, grabbing me by the neck. That was what sent him to counseling and taking meds back in October. Just venting.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
We are trying to help you but if you are determined to stay, there is nothing more we can do.
A lot of my fear stems from feeling that us no longer being together is the only healthy option, because I know that it will not get better unless he gets help, and right now alcohol is his solution, not his problem. As far as an abuser getting better, that I'm not sure about. It's very muddy to me, the relationship between abuse and alcohol. But there are other signs of control that I see - that he gives me money every week instead of adding me to his bank account, wanting explanations for why I don't call/text him back right away, etc.
We are living separately, he is in a hotel and I am at our apartment. Thankfully I have been referred to a local women's center that provides abuse counseling, and am looking forward to that. Someone I spoke to after tonight's meeting said that in hearing me speak, she hears that I am not feeling an emotional connection to what happened, that I am detached from it and essentially numb. I think this is true. I only just cried about it today, and it was only because I saw my AH briefly when he came to pick up some of his things, and I arrived as he was leaving.
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so everythings ok because he apologized? Im sorry im not trying to be rude but to me it just sounds like youre trying to do what he has done and thats justify his behavior so you can drop the charges and not have to "drag" it out in court. I appreciate a good vent session as much as the next person but your responses here worry me. his abuse as you said is something you "brush off"... not good. not good at all. I fear you will continue to "brush off" his abuse until youre not able to anymore after he takes your life from you in one of his rages. Please reswpect yourself. You owe this "man" nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
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No no - I don't mean to sound at all that everything is okay because he apologized. I was just highlighting that he only apologizes after he has done something "serious". Also, I think he really apologized because he feared I called the police - sure he may hate himself after what he does, I know he has a lot of self-loathing - but his fear that the police are after him is what is keeping him on "good" behavior.
When I said I brushed off his abuse, I meant to be honest about my own reactions to the abuse, that I realize that it is abuse and yet I think well, at least he didn't do something *really* bad...at least he didn't leave a mark...at least he didn't leave a mark where someone can see...at least he left a mark I could cover up...etc. I am being completely honest in that in the past I hoped he could get better and we could move past things, and it wouldn't happen again.
You are all correct - it will happen again because it DOES happen again. And again. It may take a while for all that resentment to build until he rages and becomes violent (because mostly the cycle includes non-violent rages), but it does happen. A meeting tonight at a local recovery center was eye-opening about why alcoholics resent their loved ones. Their integrity is out on us, and so we cause them pain, and then they resent us for the pain that "we" caused them, and it builds and they rage.
I am keeping myself safe, keeping myself from seeing him, and looking into what I need to do to move forward in making the next right choice.
When I said I brushed off his abuse, I meant to be honest about my own reactions to the abuse, that I realize that it is abuse and yet I think well, at least he didn't do something *really* bad...at least he didn't leave a mark...at least he didn't leave a mark where someone can see...at least he left a mark I could cover up...etc. I am being completely honest in that in the past I hoped he could get better and we could move past things, and it wouldn't happen again.
You are all correct - it will happen again because it DOES happen again. And again. It may take a while for all that resentment to build until he rages and becomes violent (because mostly the cycle includes non-violent rages), but it does happen. A meeting tonight at a local recovery center was eye-opening about why alcoholics resent their loved ones. Their integrity is out on us, and so we cause them pain, and then they resent us for the pain that "we" caused them, and it builds and they rage.
I am keeping myself safe, keeping myself from seeing him, and looking into what I need to do to move forward in making the next right choice.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
"Strangulation is a significant risk factor for attempted or completed homicide of women by their male intimates."
From a fact sheet on domestic violence:
http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/ortner/docs...angulation.pdf
L
From a fact sheet on domestic violence:
http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/ortner/docs...angulation.pdf
L
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ
Thank you for this - in the past he has strangled me though to any severe point - just enough to get his "point" across. I'm not minimizing, just stating a fact. This time and the time before, he grabbed me with one hand by my neck. Reading this now, thank you again so much.
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I've been exactly where you are. My husband had an episode like this a little over a year ago and went a year after without drinking...but you know what? I lived the last year afraid it will happen again. It's so scary. No one should have to live in fear of that happening in their own home. I left last month with my two little boys not because it happened again, but because he drank, period. It has to be no tolerance. We are not punching bags for drunk men. My husband has never "punched" me or left a bruise, but he's slapped and pushed me. Who knows where that could lead? It's hard but you need to remove yourself from the situation. Even if you're not ready for divorce. I missed my husband for the first week, and I still do at times, but the peace I feel at night knowing my children and I are safe is worth any inconvenience, discomfort, or loneliness I may feel. My thoughts are with you, at times I've felt no one else on earth understood what that felt like. Especially when he's a decent guy when sober.
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Please don't blame the alcohol. Alcoholics and abusers are not the same creatures. Don't make excuses or accept his. You have to be a certain type of person to grab your girlfriend by the neck because you want to look at her phone, there are many many spouses of alcoholics who can tell you their partner has never behaved in this way.
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ
I actually have that book somewhere - a couple years ago when the raging and abuse was starting to spin faster and faster, I bought quite a few books on Amazon about abuse, verbal abuse, love addiction, etc. I had no idea it was related to his drinking, to me it was just a coincidence that he had always been drinking when he would rage. I mean because, hello, he drank everyday, so that couldn't have anything to do with it - right?
In other rage situations where there has just been shoving or arm grabbing, and this is recently, he leaves and takes off and there's no apology. In fact, he has gone from apologizing the next morning to no apology, to justifying or saying he's not sorry if I bring it up. This is the first time in a long time he's actually apologized, and the only other time was when he had done a similar thing, grabbing me by the neck. That was what sent him to counseling and taking meds back in October. Just venting.
In other rage situations where there has just been shoving or arm grabbing, and this is recently, he leaves and takes off and there's no apology. In fact, he has gone from apologizing the next morning to no apology, to justifying or saying he's not sorry if I bring it up. This is the first time in a long time he's actually apologized, and the only other time was when he had done a similar thing, grabbing me by the neck. That was what sent him to counseling and taking meds back in October. Just venting.
If they were truly out of control of their tempers when drunk or high, they would be beating up the first random person they came across. It is not exactly a coincedence that they save it all up for someone they feel won't do anything about it.
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Closing our mind to the reality of abuse, pushing it back way back in our minds, like a fog, or it wasn't that bad.
sorry I edited this because I was saying to much, but yet not enough. ugggggggggg!
You and your children deserve to live fearless of abuse in your own home, period. Walking on eggshells wondering what that one word might be to set him off is no way to live your life. How far will he go this time.
sorry I edited this because I was saying to much, but yet not enough. ugggggggggg!
You and your children deserve to live fearless of abuse in your own home, period. Walking on eggshells wondering what that one word might be to set him off is no way to live your life. How far will he go this time.
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I found a combination of Al Anon and DV Abuse counseling to be very helpful. I was able to see things more clearly, and learned about options I had not considered before.
I was surprised by the variety of women in the group - old, young, various ethnic groups and income levels. Some were very well educated, some were not. At first I didn't think I belonged there, but I quickly learned that I most DEFINITELY belonged there.
I'm glad I went, and I am forever grateful for what I learned. My life is fuller and richer because of it, and most importantly - I am alive today.
What worked for me: read everything I could, listen to people who had experience and training, consider new things & new possibilities. Begin to realize that I matter, and that I have a voice.
I was surprised by the variety of women in the group - old, young, various ethnic groups and income levels. Some were very well educated, some were not. At first I didn't think I belonged there, but I quickly learned that I most DEFINITELY belonged there.
I'm glad I went, and I am forever grateful for what I learned. My life is fuller and richer because of it, and most importantly - I am alive today.
What worked for me: read everything I could, listen to people who had experience and training, consider new things & new possibilities. Begin to realize that I matter, and that I have a voice.
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(()) the lundy bancroft book is excellent, I'm so glad you'ce got it.
no one deserves what he is doing. and you are a strong, intelligent, worthy woman, living in a very difficult, confusing situation. It's hard to think straight, and to work out what is going on when in it.
There are some stickies about abuse up at the top of the forum, I think it's useful for everyone to read those, whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, because some of them explain what it's like for the person on the recieving end, and why saying "get the hell out of there" isn't always helpful.
I understand why you are wavering re the charges, perhaps you might consider postponing a decision on that until after you have spoken to the DV counsellors and you have their support so that you can work through the best course of action for your circumstances?
My exAH was "only" physically violent twice, once he gripped me round the throat, I remember angrily telling my counsellor that he "didn't strangle me, just gripped me round the throat" when she referred to strangulation. I also said that I wasn't minimising.
the next time he hit me when I was asleep to wake me up because I had gone into "his drawer" in the kitchen. He threatened me a lot, overtly and not-so-much. I didn't think I was scared of him, until I was away from him for an extended period, and then I realised that I was, a lot, and that I radically changed my behaviour around him becasue I was scared.
People can't live in perpetual fear, so our brains adapt to the stress in order that we can still eat and breathe, but this does funny things to our sense of reality whilst we're in the situation.
I needed help to understand what I was feeling, what was going on, what was acceptable, and that the "not all the time" was part of the abuse, people who are terrifying all the time right from the start, don't tend to get very far because people see them for what they are straight away and flee.
you are courageous and smart: the police call, getting support, ((hugs))
no one deserves what he is doing. and you are a strong, intelligent, worthy woman, living in a very difficult, confusing situation. It's hard to think straight, and to work out what is going on when in it.
There are some stickies about abuse up at the top of the forum, I think it's useful for everyone to read those, whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, because some of them explain what it's like for the person on the recieving end, and why saying "get the hell out of there" isn't always helpful.
I understand why you are wavering re the charges, perhaps you might consider postponing a decision on that until after you have spoken to the DV counsellors and you have their support so that you can work through the best course of action for your circumstances?
My exAH was "only" physically violent twice, once he gripped me round the throat, I remember angrily telling my counsellor that he "didn't strangle me, just gripped me round the throat" when she referred to strangulation. I also said that I wasn't minimising.
the next time he hit me when I was asleep to wake me up because I had gone into "his drawer" in the kitchen. He threatened me a lot, overtly and not-so-much. I didn't think I was scared of him, until I was away from him for an extended period, and then I realised that I was, a lot, and that I radically changed my behaviour around him becasue I was scared.
People can't live in perpetual fear, so our brains adapt to the stress in order that we can still eat and breathe, but this does funny things to our sense of reality whilst we're in the situation.
I needed help to understand what I was feeling, what was going on, what was acceptable, and that the "not all the time" was part of the abuse, people who are terrifying all the time right from the start, don't tend to get very far because people see them for what they are straight away and flee.
you are courageous and smart: the police call, getting support, ((hugs))
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ
As far as an abuser getting better, that I'm not sure about. It's very muddy to me, the relationship between abuse and alcohol. But there are other signs of control that I see - that he gives me money every week instead of adding me to his bank account, wanting explanations for why I don't call/text him back right away, etc.
I am SOOOO glad you are in counseling at the women's center!! Keep going!
(((Hugs)))) You are doing great!
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Originally Posted by JenT1968
(()) the lundy bancroft book is excellent, I'm so glad you'ce got it.
I understand why you are wavering re the charges, perhaps you might consider postponing a decision on that until after you have spoken to the DV counsellors and you have their support so that you can work through the best course of action for your circumstances?
My exAH was "only" physically violent twice, once he gripped me round the throat, I remember angrily telling my counsellor that he "didn't strangle me, just gripped me round the throat" when she referred to strangulation. I also said that I wasn't minimising.
...I didn't think I was scared of him, until I was away from him for an extended period, and then I realised that I was, a lot, and that I radically changed my behaviour around him becasue I was scared.
People can't live in perpetual fear, so our brains adapt to the stress in order that we can still eat and breathe, but this does funny things to our sense of reality whilst we're in the situation.
I needed help to understand what I was feeling, what was going on, what was acceptable, and that the "not all the time" was part of the abuse, people who are terrifying all the time right from the start, don't tend to get very far because people see them for what they are straight away and flee.
I understand why you are wavering re the charges, perhaps you might consider postponing a decision on that until after you have spoken to the DV counsellors and you have their support so that you can work through the best course of action for your circumstances?
My exAH was "only" physically violent twice, once he gripped me round the throat, I remember angrily telling my counsellor that he "didn't strangle me, just gripped me round the throat" when she referred to strangulation. I also said that I wasn't minimising.
...I didn't think I was scared of him, until I was away from him for an extended period, and then I realised that I was, a lot, and that I radically changed my behaviour around him becasue I was scared.
People can't live in perpetual fear, so our brains adapt to the stress in order that we can still eat and breathe, but this does funny things to our sense of reality whilst we're in the situation.
I needed help to understand what I was feeling, what was going on, what was acceptable, and that the "not all the time" was part of the abuse, people who are terrifying all the time right from the start, don't tend to get very far because people see them for what they are straight away and flee.
I *am* confused. I do know that I am in survival mode right now - last night someone said to me that the way I talk about what happens, it doesn't sound as if I am emotionally connected to what happened to me, that I sound to be in shock. This was a revelation to me that I have not cried about what happened, I don't even feel much of anything directly related to the physical part of the abuse.
He came by tonight to pick up some things and unfortunately I was here. He didn't bother or harass me. But we did end up talking for quite a bit, and I really let him have it - not yelling or being emotional, just calmly telling him like it is. That it will happen again, because it has happened again, and nothing will change until he gets help. Anyhow. I was able to say finally what I have never felt safe to say. That in itself was a huge relief.
Next week I start abuse counseling and I am looking forward to that. Reading the Bancroft book tonight, and so far it's like I'm reading my own story. Which is odd because, he truly does not seem to understand that he is controlling. Is it possible that controlling people do not consciously know they are controlling?
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I am glad you are going to counseling, I hope that you will soon be able to see through some of the confusing things you are feeling. It does sound like you may well be in shock, what happened to you was actually quite traumatic. I had a friend who had an abusive husband, and I pray for you that your story does not turn out like hers. Please keep yourself safe and try to stay away from him.
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He is staying away still, and called tonight just to let me know that he has called to make an appointment with a psychiatrist (he is convinced his problem is mental, which it very well could be) and will also seek counseling.
My numbness is starting to melt away and for the first time I feel something - anger. When we were on the phone I told him so many things I've been wanting to for so long but didn't because I was afraid of him. It feels amazing to feel free.
My numbness is starting to melt away and for the first time I feel something - anger. When we were on the phone I told him so many things I've been wanting to for so long but didn't because I was afraid of him. It feels amazing to feel free.
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ
I had no idea it was related to his drinking, to me it was just a coincidence that he had always been drinking when he would rage. I mean because, hello, he drank everyday, so that couldn't have anything to do with it - right?
I used to think that XABF was only abusive when he was drunk, but the truth of the matter is that his abuse was more noticeable when he was drunk because his inhibitions were gone so he wasn't as "in control of himself" as when sober, and as such the abuse wasn't as subtle.
That didn't mean that the non-drunk abuse wasn't there, just that it was easier to notice his attempts to throw a chair at me while spewing hateful words because I wouldn't do the lewd things he wanted of me (drunk) than the subtle digs he'd make at me and the way he'd reinforce that I was nothing without him (sober).
"Why Does He Do That?" opened by eyes. There's a chapter about the different "Styles of Abuse" and I could identify three when he was drunk and three totally opposite ones when he was sober.
Originally Posted by NewbieJ
Which is odd because, he truly does not seem to understand that he is controlling. Is it possible that controlling people do not consciously know they are controlling?
Not that it really matters. At the end of the day, he was controlling and abusive, and I deserve better than that.
We did a book study of "Why Does He Do That?" here, you might want to check out the thread as well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
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RUN. This man does not deserve your forgiveness, please do not drop the charges. The life you are living right now sounds awful scary to me...I bet when he is gone and you can have some calm you will look back and be shocked at how you coped through it. A few years ago I left a toxic (but not physically abusive) relationship. I had no idea the toll it was taking on me until I left. I slept for days, my head aches/stomach aches stopped and I couldn't put my finger on it at first but everything seemed brighter. Gradually I started to feel happy again and when I saw that Ahole a few months later I felt nothing but disgust. You deserve better, please take care of yourself. Even if you don't think you deserve it, fake it till you make it. I am still struggling myself and find a lot of comfort from coming here...keep coming back.
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