Of COURSE I'm obsessed.... (lonnng 3 am post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Of COURSE I'm obsessed.... (lonnng 3 am post)
The relationship started out as intensely as you could imagine.
We met online. It clicked---I tried meeting several others....not only was he the one who really attracted me, in terms of looks (I am very visual, and there is a certain set of physical characteristics that realllllllly appeal to me. He had "it". And at our age? Not often you see that kind of strong, rugged handsomeness in a man.), but also in terms of willingness to make the time to be in contact, meet in person, etc., compared to the other people I chatted with on the site.
Not to mention the purely amazing synchronicities that brought us together, and continued ....
We visited several times. Once we agreed we were mightily and mutually attracted, he moved up north from Florida several months later. He likes to be the "Knight in shining Armor", and he had to save me from being alone where I was with the Winter coming on. He did save me...I don't know what I would have done without him and all the things he fixed there......
It was intensely romantic----the feelings..the euphoria, the sense of being precious to someone, complete, of finding the love and protection and belonging I had always yearned for....Also, the HIGH of loving, needing, wanting someone so intensely--and having those feelings RECIPROCATED!!!
Who wouldn't be over the moon with happiness? Who WOULDN'T want to let go of that?
Anyway, I guess around the third year, it got bad enough, often enough, that I was hurt and angry enough to see it needed to end--that things were getting worse, not better--his drinking, and hair-trigger rages. It got pretty clear that the job I just knew would show up was a mirage.
It took about 2 years to actually end. We both knew things were horrible; we both really wanted to have had it work, but the stress and chaos of his life....just having no work, no money, and he had taken on the responsibility of dealing with the place I lived. Not easy, it's out in the boondocks and the winters were really really rough--he really did bust his ass there.
I still feel bad about that, even though I also know that he didn't have to bust it as bad as he did. HE chose to never ask for help, never say that we needed to figure out something together to get out of there. No, he just took on the impossible (he's the ultra-tough, manly, hero, you know. He really was, in his younger years, but with his drinking, smoking, and all the punishment he took in the Marines, and other intense and dangerous work over his life. Not admitting it's time to take better care of himself, though...)
Anyway, he wasn't mean like many of the people I've read in your stories here. He had sudden rages, yes, but it was more like a Jekyll-Hyde pattern, than a cold, constant, sociopathic kind of cruelty.
I have fallen hard for the high of being madly in love with a Bad Guy many times before. Every time I am convinced he's the One. Some have been infatuations, very clearly based on my fantasies right from the beginning, and some had more substance to them, like this one that I'm obsessing over now.
It lasted four years, though I think I started walking on eggshells early on. I guess it would have lasted longer if there had been any work available in the area, and he hadn't been so impulsive in using up all his money to move to be with me.......he had been laid off a few years prior, in the Florida real-estate bust that happened late '90's, and hadn't been able to find decent work in construction there. Plus, his age. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if the "heavy-drinker" look scared off possible employers......
About eggshells----It just occurred to me, as I wrote this, that I am very used to walking on eggshells, from my growing up history. (Borderline Personality Disorder mother; high functioning, loving Dad who was A --I only realized it much later in his life when he was retired from a job that took him out of state and even out of the US. He was gone more than he was home)
I realized it needed to end--that things were getting worse, not better, and it took about 2 years to actually end. We both knew things were horrible;
we both really wanted to have had it work.
I've been in Recovery before---Al Anon.... but really had forgotten about my codependent issues. No crisis relatoinship to bring it into focus; I was battling other self-issues.
But still, after all the years of therapy on-and-off, and Al Anon meetings, and AA meetings (Open meetings, where I switched "alcohol" for "relationship"), and 7 years single, and reading self-help, and spiritual stuff all the time, it's funny, to realize ONLY NOW that the walking on eggshells was a red flag. I just now GROKKED that it's such a familiar feeling, that I brushed it under the rug. I can handle it. That didn't really happen. Anxiety--uhhhhhhh, I'm much too fascinated by this handsome, sexy guy to step back and think about that feeling.
As someone here was quoted in a post on one of the permanently pinned threads here, "Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.
..... I truly believe that most heroin {relationship} addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin {relationships} creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use."
So here I am at 4 in the morning. Can't sleep cuz it's so hot, and I just can't find better thoughts to substitute for thoughts of him (the AXBF, who I was with for 4 years). I'm not as broken down on the ground like I was last year, thank god. Don't think I could live through that level of emotional pain again. I had some stress realated physical reactions that put me in the hospital! I don't do separation/loss/grief well.
Now, the grief has subsided to less frequent sorrow attacks, but the thoughts are always ready to roll....I'm just in "conversation" with him in my head so much. Sometimes, I catch myself and didn't even realize I was "there". Like so many of you here, I can't keep the pain of it first i my mind. It exploded before I was sick of him, so I hadn't gotten to the point of just being relieved when it ended.
Anyway....
I keep trying to go NC. Not making it stick yet--we email every few weeks. Nothing gets resolved, though. (Ha haaa, bet you're shocked--shocked I tell you! to hear that!
) If you can't let go, at least hold on loosely, as our hero Melody Beattie says.
......... I guess I needed to vent...again.... Maybe I'll finish getting over this when I get sick of frustrating my friends and sick of my addiction to crying over him.
Thank you for this safe place where I can spill it out, and not have to be so embarrassed of being so obsessed.
We met online. It clicked---I tried meeting several others....not only was he the one who really attracted me, in terms of looks (I am very visual, and there is a certain set of physical characteristics that realllllllly appeal to me. He had "it". And at our age? Not often you see that kind of strong, rugged handsomeness in a man.), but also in terms of willingness to make the time to be in contact, meet in person, etc., compared to the other people I chatted with on the site.
Not to mention the purely amazing synchronicities that brought us together, and continued ....
We visited several times. Once we agreed we were mightily and mutually attracted, he moved up north from Florida several months later. He likes to be the "Knight in shining Armor", and he had to save me from being alone where I was with the Winter coming on. He did save me...I don't know what I would have done without him and all the things he fixed there......
It was intensely romantic----the feelings..the euphoria, the sense of being precious to someone, complete, of finding the love and protection and belonging I had always yearned for....Also, the HIGH of loving, needing, wanting someone so intensely--and having those feelings RECIPROCATED!!!
Who wouldn't be over the moon with happiness? Who WOULDN'T want to let go of that?
Anyway, I guess around the third year, it got bad enough, often enough, that I was hurt and angry enough to see it needed to end--that things were getting worse, not better--his drinking, and hair-trigger rages. It got pretty clear that the job I just knew would show up was a mirage.
It took about 2 years to actually end. We both knew things were horrible; we both really wanted to have had it work, but the stress and chaos of his life....just having no work, no money, and he had taken on the responsibility of dealing with the place I lived. Not easy, it's out in the boondocks and the winters were really really rough--he really did bust his ass there.
I still feel bad about that, even though I also know that he didn't have to bust it as bad as he did. HE chose to never ask for help, never say that we needed to figure out something together to get out of there. No, he just took on the impossible (he's the ultra-tough, manly, hero, you know. He really was, in his younger years, but with his drinking, smoking, and all the punishment he took in the Marines, and other intense and dangerous work over his life. Not admitting it's time to take better care of himself, though...)
Anyway, he wasn't mean like many of the people I've read in your stories here. He had sudden rages, yes, but it was more like a Jekyll-Hyde pattern, than a cold, constant, sociopathic kind of cruelty.
I have fallen hard for the high of being madly in love with a Bad Guy many times before. Every time I am convinced he's the One. Some have been infatuations, very clearly based on my fantasies right from the beginning, and some had more substance to them, like this one that I'm obsessing over now.
It lasted four years, though I think I started walking on eggshells early on. I guess it would have lasted longer if there had been any work available in the area, and he hadn't been so impulsive in using up all his money to move to be with me.......he had been laid off a few years prior, in the Florida real-estate bust that happened late '90's, and hadn't been able to find decent work in construction there. Plus, his age. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if the "heavy-drinker" look scared off possible employers......
About eggshells----It just occurred to me, as I wrote this, that I am very used to walking on eggshells, from my growing up history. (Borderline Personality Disorder mother; high functioning, loving Dad who was A --I only realized it much later in his life when he was retired from a job that took him out of state and even out of the US. He was gone more than he was home)
I realized it needed to end--that things were getting worse, not better, and it took about 2 years to actually end. We both knew things were horrible;
we both really wanted to have had it work.
I've been in Recovery before---Al Anon.... but really had forgotten about my codependent issues. No crisis relatoinship to bring it into focus; I was battling other self-issues.
But still, after all the years of therapy on-and-off, and Al Anon meetings, and AA meetings (Open meetings, where I switched "alcohol" for "relationship"), and 7 years single, and reading self-help, and spiritual stuff all the time, it's funny, to realize ONLY NOW that the walking on eggshells was a red flag. I just now GROKKED that it's such a familiar feeling, that I brushed it under the rug. I can handle it. That didn't really happen. Anxiety--uhhhhhhh, I'm much too fascinated by this handsome, sexy guy to step back and think about that feeling.
As someone here was quoted in a post on one of the permanently pinned threads here, "Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.
..... I truly believe that most heroin {relationship} addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin {relationships} creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use."
So here I am at 4 in the morning. Can't sleep cuz it's so hot, and I just can't find better thoughts to substitute for thoughts of him (the AXBF, who I was with for 4 years). I'm not as broken down on the ground like I was last year, thank god. Don't think I could live through that level of emotional pain again. I had some stress realated physical reactions that put me in the hospital! I don't do separation/loss/grief well.
Now, the grief has subsided to less frequent sorrow attacks, but the thoughts are always ready to roll....I'm just in "conversation" with him in my head so much. Sometimes, I catch myself and didn't even realize I was "there". Like so many of you here, I can't keep the pain of it first i my mind. It exploded before I was sick of him, so I hadn't gotten to the point of just being relieved when it ended.
Anyway....
I keep trying to go NC. Not making it stick yet--we email every few weeks. Nothing gets resolved, though. (Ha haaa, bet you're shocked--shocked I tell you! to hear that!
) If you can't let go, at least hold on loosely, as our hero Melody Beattie says. ......... I guess I needed to vent...again.... Maybe I'll finish getting over this when I get sick of frustrating my friends and sick of my addiction to crying over him.
Thank you for this safe place where I can spill it out, and not have to be so embarrassed of being so obsessed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
Arg,
I could have written your post. From the meeting online, to the passionate sexy man who can fix anything, to him coming to "rescue" me from a house that needed fixing, etc! Even the timeline.
I, too, know that I *should* go NC, but what did I do yesterday? Saw Men in Black (3D -- what fun!) with him, with his arm around me the whole time.
I am definitely doing that hold on loosely thing, along with a futile hope that magically he'll be all better and everything will be perfect. I think I'll be waiting a r-e-a-l-l-y long time for THAT to happen.
Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You sound like you've got a clear understanding of how/why it all played out like it did. I hope you feel better/calmer soon. (and cooler! my A/C is broken, so I can relate to the heat, too)
I could have written your post. From the meeting online, to the passionate sexy man who can fix anything, to him coming to "rescue" me from a house that needed fixing, etc! Even the timeline.
I, too, know that I *should* go NC, but what did I do yesterday? Saw Men in Black (3D -- what fun!) with him, with his arm around me the whole time.
I am definitely doing that hold on loosely thing, along with a futile hope that magically he'll be all better and everything will be perfect. I think I'll be waiting a r-e-a-l-l-y long time for THAT to happen.
Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You sound like you've got a clear understanding of how/why it all played out like it did. I hope you feel better/calmer soon. (and cooler! my A/C is broken, so I can relate to the heat, too)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Thank you! Today is a hard day for me and I feel so much like you have expressed in your post. I sit hear and cry. I haven't really cried in a while bc it hurts to cry, I think it's bc I am so disappointed by what could have been and it's one of the only things I have given my all too. Fighting for him, for us and truthfully I know I need to fight for me. I deserve so much better than what I have allowed! The disappointment is likely more about having a hard time letting go. My mind obsess and I realize that is as sick as he is ......how did I get here. Another part is not bring able to express myself or closure bc he hides/stays away until time has passed! I ask myself.....what are you getting/did you get bc my relationship has been more less over for the last few months. On his days off he was drunk, sleep, did nothing. I have been blessed beyond with my family, friends and success. Yet, I look at this person as what he could be....not who he is! His lifestyle has become trash. He use to have standards morals dreams. The truth is he is self absorbed and works off implusive behavior.......doesn't care who he hurts. I am just not in a good place today! I am just running my mouth! I think if I ever had to write down my story (something I haven't done bc I'd even hate to look at) it would be so painful which is also denial on my part! Sick....so sick.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Thank you, everyone for connecting with me.
Like the other new people here, i am so glad I found you all. Have been reading here a LOT. Like a life raft. He's in a different state, so the fault for keeping the connection going with him is mine. Holding on looser and looser, I hope.
I am thinking about the fact that Strength equals Happiness....developing my own strength, borrowing yours, seeing how feeding my fears feels terrible....that is why Strength = Happiness. Fear is an old habit, for me. Catastrophic thinking......and wanting to be soothed. Deciding to fight my negative mindset, again; feels better---even though I see that the wallowing in sorrow is a kind of misguided attempt to self-sooth. An old habit from a lonely, scary childhood....
Like the other new people here, i am so glad I found you all. Have been reading here a LOT. Like a life raft. He's in a different state, so the fault for keeping the connection going with him is mine. Holding on looser and looser, I hope.
I am thinking about the fact that Strength equals Happiness....developing my own strength, borrowing yours, seeing how feeding my fears feels terrible....that is why Strength = Happiness. Fear is an old habit, for me. Catastrophic thinking......and wanting to be soothed. Deciding to fight my negative mindset, again; feels better---even though I see that the wallowing in sorrow is a kind of misguided attempt to self-sooth. An old habit from a lonely, scary childhood....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
An old habit from a lonely, scary childhood....
Never give up. I am attracted to the same man, the exact same man, mine is Army.
I was in the Army, and guess what? So was my alcoholic father!! Shocked! I know!
Let's keep talking and see how we can help each other, because we can.
Thanks Arg,
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hi wicked 
Ha, glad you like the name! I like it too, hee hee
I'm working on bringing forth Self-Esteem and Strenght....
Strength equals happiness, but I was always too afraid. Even the thought of being strong scared me......Fear, shutting down, hiding go together and are so familiar, it's even a kind of self-soother for me. Keeps me in my helplessness, which feels awful and scary, but always twists my emotions/mind into thinking that someone will SAVE me. A security blanket that turns on you, you could say.....
I'm totally up for helping each other!! You guys have already helped me a LOT
Ha, glad you like the name! I like it too, hee hee
I'm working on bringing forth Self-Esteem and Strenght....
Strength equals happiness, but I was always too afraid. Even the thought of being strong scared me......Fear, shutting down, hiding go together and are so familiar, it's even a kind of self-soother for me. Keeps me in my helplessness, which feels awful and scary, but always twists my emotions/mind into thinking that someone will SAVE me. A security blanket that turns on you, you could say.....
I'm totally up for helping each other!! You guys have already helped me a LOT
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
