sagj

I have been reading a lot of information trying to figure out what role I have as a spouse. My husband stopped drinking 60 days ago. He decided that he couldn't handle his alcohol. Since he stopped drinking - I am the only one he has admitted it to. His family or mine does not know. It is Memorial weekend and we were invited to a family event. Of couse there was alcohol at the event. But there were kids, ours 7 and 9 and other kids around that age as well as a baby. We don't do anything together since everybody we know drinks. Well I wanted him to go and have some fun - was bound to be a good time, 20 acres of fishing, swimming, basketball, corn hole, etc. And his brother, wife and his new nephew was there. I asked that if he didn't want to go, then what would he like to do, because sitting in the house was not an option. We needed to GO do something. There is only so much house cleaning and yard work a woman can do to keep herself busy. I wanted to go have some fun. It isn't like he has banned himself from going and sitting at a bar with my brother and dad to talk... he has done that twice, went to a cookout where there was beer, no one cared if he was drinking. But now I am the inconsiderate B&#&# because I made him go. I did tell him once he got into the car acting very mad that I would take the boys and that he didn't have to go, but I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted him to go because he is oh so stressed about life (kids, work, etc). Thought that he could use some time away from his computer as that is what he does during his waking hours. I guess I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do as a spouse. I try to be supportive, but I feel like I have to stop living life to hide myself in the house with him.

So desperately looking for some help. AS you can imagine, this is not our only issue, we have had 13 years of hard times... but this is the newest...and it seems to be all my fault. Keep in mind that he got 3 beers (that his brother left here a few weeks ago) out of the refrigerator to take with him when he left with the boys an hour ago... I took them outside and busted them in the trash. He was not happy about it... but I couldn't stand by and let me do it after he made such a stink about me making him go sit with people who were drinking....

DisplacedGRITS

Sagi, you are your husband's wife, not his keeper. You cannot stop a person from drinking if they are determined to drink. Tell him how important his sobriety is to you and how you hope that one day it is as important to him. He has to come to want it of his own free will or he will never be able to really achieve it. If you keep trying to guide him through it you will only drive yourself crazy and sad. Take care of yourself and your children. Support his sobriety and tell him you will do anything to help him stay sober and nothing to help him keep drinking.

Dee74

Hi and welcome to SR Sagj

I moved your post and the replies to this forum - I know you'll find a lot of support here

D

Cyranoak

What is your role? Not sure. What it's not is a different story. You aren't his mom, you aren't his keeper, you aren't his Higher Power, and you aren't to protect him from the consequences of his decisions and his behavior.

You are a wife, he is a husband, and you are both adults.

It took me a long time to learn this for myself.

Take care,

Cyranoak

CeciliaV

Hi Sagj - you're not alone in asking that question. Trying to be supportive without being enabling is a hard balancing act, and I'm trying to find that balance myself. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. After his last relapse, he's been sober just over a week. There are very few family members who know about his alcoholism - my sister (because I really just needed someone I trusted that I could confide in) and his sister/her fam. When nearly no one else is aware of the problems you're facing, it's easy to feel isolated. And without a good support network of close people to talk to, it's so hard to keep sane. You can take solace in that you're not alone and that there are many supportive people here.

The best advice I can offer is to be sure to take care of you and to not feed into the problem. If he doesn't want to go out somewhere with you and the kids, he can stay home. I can tell you from my own personal experience that isolating yourself from the world doesn't do any good. (Now if I could figure out how to UNisolate myself, that'd be great!)

Keep strong, sending you hugs.

dollydo

He doesn't own you, you are not his possession, you are an adult, his equal.

I wouldn't place my life on hold for him, addicts like to isolate others, it's all about control, they cannot control themselves so they attempt to control others. Your children deseve the right to associate with others, as do you. They will carry their childhood into adulthood, that, to me, is an important fact to remember, their enviorment today will shape their tomorrows.

NYCDoglvr

He is responsible for his own disease. Does he have a program, go to AA? The first 90 days of staying sober are the toughest and he is in very early recovery. Being around alcohol can trigger a relapse.

But this is what AA is for, to learn how to stay sober. There may be times when you have to do different things ... you go to one event, he goes to another. Have you thought of that? Non-alcoholics are incapable to understanding how alcoholics think and this isn't your problem anyway. He is responsible for his recovery, no one but him.

lesliej

your role can be quite simple

LIVE & LET LIVE

it's a holiday weekend and you're crawling the walls
he isn't
he doesn't want to go have fun...maybe he's dealing with the fact that he is only 60 days away from his self medicating substance and is trying to figure out how to deal with emotions, thoughts, guilt, fear, social anxiety, resentments etc etc etc without being able to drown it all in alcohol
maybe he's an introvert at heart and doesn't feel like being social and knows how hard it is for himself to NOT pick up that first drink

some days are triggers, some events are triggers, some emotions like anger are triggers
he's only 60 days dry

why can't you just go have fun and enjoy the day and let him do what he wants to do?

choublak

Would you have a problem with it if another adult said this to you? You sound like you're his mother - and a very controlling one at that.

That's your problem, not his nor anyone else's.

djayr

Policing the drinking is a waste of time, and a sure way to drive yourself nuts.

sagj

Boy do I hear you all... Thank you so much for your replies!

He was continuing to try and make be feel like I was an awful person yesterday for making him go to this party. After I read some of your replies, I calmly told him that I was not his keeper. He then made the comment that why did I let him be my keeper. I replied by repeating "Why did I let you become my keeper." Again, I don't have a say in what you do. I also reminded him that he was an adult and he could of said no, I don't want to go.

I have been his mother, I often say, I don't just have the 4 kids (21, 20, 9 and 7) I also have a 38 year old. (two older girls are from my previous marriage)

There is no reason in the world I cannot go do things without him. The thing is, the boys and I are always doing things without him. Just thought that we should spend time together as a family. But that is me being a controlling person. I really really need to work on that. Control me and only me.

He asked me what he should do since he was going to the attorney to discuss some other matters today, if he should also discuss our divorce... I again reminded him that he needed to do what he wanted to do, it was not my place to make his decisions for him.

I am not sure what today will bring, but I pray that God gives me the strength to get through.

sagj

I really need to work on this. Thank you!

sagj

CeciliaV - Thank you, it does help to know that I am not alone.

sagj

NYCDoglvr - He doesn't have a program, he is doing this himself. He doesn't ask for anyone's help EVER. I am the one that has to ask for help for him. Again, acting as his mother. I need to learn to not do this!!!

I am dealing with a very intelligent man, he has his PhD and believes he is above all.

Tuffgirl

You are dealing with the arrogance and feelings of being special that most in AA describe in themselves. Don't let the intelligence and degrees fool you.

Yes, learn to let him fend for himself. It is amazing what happens when we let people make their own decisions and experience the consequences themselves.

Do whatever it takes for you to have a life that meets your needs, while leaving him alone. It's hard, but doable.

CeciliaV

omg, this SO hits home! My husband is about the same age, too. People have often asked me why I don't have kids, and I tell them that my husband and dog are more than enough to keep me busy!

In all seriousness though, it takes two people to allow this parent-child dynamic to continue. I've had many conversations with my AH about this dynamic and how a lack of a partner-partner dynamic makes things hard all around (alcoholism or not), and I'm as much at fault as he is. I took on the parent role and he quite easily let me, and after umpteen years together, I've conditioned him to believe that this is the norm.

BUT the good news is that now that you're aware of it, you can take steps to change it. He's an adult, whether or not he acts like one. It's hard, but I say push that birdie out of the nest (interpret that either figuratively or literally as you wish!) - he's gonna have to learn how to fly.