I don't know what he wants from me
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I don't know what he wants from me
Basically...
My dad has been jerking my mom around over the past few years, cheating on her, she would kick him out and then take him back, this happened more than once. Finally my mom decided she'd had enough and is going through with a divorce. My dad did the same old begging crying and making empty promises, my mom didn't give in, he wouldn't stop leaving her alone, so she got a restraining order. So now (he has always been doing this, but since the restraining order he's doing it more than ever) he's trying to get me to "convince" my mom to take him back, which can't be done, but he refuses to accept that. He keeps saying he's going to lose it, etc., and it's like, he's asking the impossible from me, even when I say no he continues to ask me to ask my mom to see him, which she won't (hello, that's why she got a restraining order!) he says he's reaching out to me for help and how can I not help him, but he is asking the impossible of me. I tell him that happiness has to come from within and he says, "oh yeah? How would you feel without your bf?" so I don't know what he wants from me it isn't fair.
My dad has been jerking my mom around over the past few years, cheating on her, she would kick him out and then take him back, this happened more than once. Finally my mom decided she'd had enough and is going through with a divorce. My dad did the same old begging crying and making empty promises, my mom didn't give in, he wouldn't stop leaving her alone, so she got a restraining order. So now (he has always been doing this, but since the restraining order he's doing it more than ever) he's trying to get me to "convince" my mom to take him back, which can't be done, but he refuses to accept that. He keeps saying he's going to lose it, etc., and it's like, he's asking the impossible from me, even when I say no he continues to ask me to ask my mom to see him, which she won't (hello, that's why she got a restraining order!) he says he's reaching out to me for help and how can I not help him, but he is asking the impossible of me. I tell him that happiness has to come from within and he says, "oh yeah? How would you feel without your bf?" so I don't know what he wants from me it isn't fair.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Choublak))- JMO, but he wants you to make everything all better...forget about the "past stuff" and just make it all go away.
BTDT with my own dad, who I am also dependent on financially, but the more I learned about boundaries and started sticking to them, he's gotten better and I've yet to be kicked to the curb..yet.
I don't think this is going to stop until you put a stop to it. I can't tell you the times I've said "conversation over" and hung up the phone, walked away, or put in my ear buds to listen to my mp3 when I was stuck in the van with him.
I know it's distressing, but the longer we put up with it, the more they will do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
BTDT with my own dad, who I am also dependent on financially, but the more I learned about boundaries and started sticking to them, he's gotten better and I've yet to be kicked to the curb..yet.
I don't think this is going to stop until you put a stop to it. I can't tell you the times I've said "conversation over" and hung up the phone, walked away, or put in my ear buds to listen to my mp3 when I was stuck in the van with him.
I know it's distressing, but the longer we put up with it, the more they will do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
It's obvious: He's manipulating you. Its worked with his wife (your Mom) for years, and it's probably his favorite tool in his Relationship bag-o-tricks. You're on the right track.
Now he's ignoring and violating your boundaries. You may not realize it, but you do have choices. One tool that seems to work for some is to just physically separate yourself from him when he's stepping all over your boundaries. Go to another room, hang up the phone, leave the house.
Actions speak louder than words. In fact, letting him continue to harass you is sending him the message that you'll put up with it.
If you like reading, try this book: "Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life." When I started my program I didn't know what boundaries were or that I was "allowed" to have them. Learning to put them in place really helped improve my relationship with the alcoholic in my life.
Now he's ignoring and violating your boundaries. You may not realize it, but you do have choices. One tool that seems to work for some is to just physically separate yourself from him when he's stepping all over your boundaries. Go to another room, hang up the phone, leave the house.
Actions speak louder than words. In fact, letting him continue to harass you is sending him the message that you'll put up with it.
If you like reading, try this book: "Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life." When I started my program I didn't know what boundaries were or that I was "allowed" to have them. Learning to put them in place really helped improve my relationship with the alcoholic in my life.
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Boundaries are useless if not enforced. If you want him to stop this nonsense, you are going to have to be the one to make it stop. Refuse to discuss his situation with your mother. Hang up the phone if the conversation takes that direction. You do NOT have to listen to it. As long as you allow him to do this, it will not stop. There is a solution, but you have to be willing to do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Well, he's allowed to think, feel and believe what he wants even if it isn't true. Just as you are allowed to think, feel and believe what you want. I would not be able to convince you otherwise, and you won't be able to convince him if he's not willing to accept the truth.
I am sorry you are being harrassed by your Dad, choublak, but you are the only one who can stop it. As Impurrfect said, repetition may be necessary. Hang up, walk away, change the subject as many times as needed to remove yourself from his never-ending harrassment.
I am sorry you are being harrassed by your Dad, choublak, but you are the only one who can stop it. As Impurrfect said, repetition may be necessary. Hang up, walk away, change the subject as many times as needed to remove yourself from his never-ending harrassment.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Choublak))) - You may never know the answers to your questions about your dad. You can't get in his brain. Trying to find out what someone else is thinking or why they are acting the way they do is a sure ride on "crazy train" IME.
You are the only one who can put a stop to all this, and I pray you realize that you don't deserve this and the only person you're responsible for is you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You are the only one who can put a stop to all this, and I pray you realize that you don't deserve this and the only person you're responsible for is you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I understand that boundaries, right now, would be hard since he is still helping
you financially.
The suggestion in your other thread, about seeking financial aid at your school
is an excellent one. And yes, the governments do allow food stamps for students.
When I was 43 I went back to school to get my nursing degree. They told me it
would take over 2 years. I did it in 3 semesters. I was working a 'minimum wage'
job, but some weeks only 20 hours a week (because of the time available, with
all my classes and studying) and I went to the Financial Aid office on campus. Not
only did they help me to get funds, they helped me to get "Grants" that I never
had to pay back, and one loan, which I, of course, had to pay back and did. I also
was able to get food stamps, and I had health care (small fee each semester, paid
for out of the monies from the grants and loan) while I was a student.
I was, of course, on my own, and had rent and utilities to pay and dog food to buy
for fur kids, etc. With each grant check, I would immediately pay my rent for the
number of months that the grant had to cover. I would also figure out an average
of my monthly utility bills multiplied by the same number of months and put that
on the side. The remainder, plus my small paychecks, and food stamps, is what I
used for my weekly expenses (food, cleaning supplies, dog food, gas for my
vehicle, etc)
Please check it out. It would be an excellent way to get out of being 'beholding' to
your father and make it much easier for you to set your own personal boundaries.
Remember also that NO is a complete sentence. Even if you have to repeat it over
and over. No explanation, just NO. Eventually, and it may take some time, he will
hear it.
After saying NO a few times, not more than 3, in a phone conversation, then it is
time to say:
"Have to go dad, talk to you later."
and hang up the phone.
When you get text messages from him, delete them IMMEDIATELY. You do not
have to read them.
I know it will be hard. VERY HARD. But you can get off this crazy roller coaster
ride your father has you on. He may expect you to help him, in his please to get
your mother back, however, he is in denial, yep just like an A, that this is just
not going to happen.
And actually, he should be talking to HIS lawyer who can talk to your Mom's
attorney.
You do not have to be the 'middle person' in this drama that your father had
created by his actions.
I am going to pm you.
Love and hugs,
you financially.
The suggestion in your other thread, about seeking financial aid at your school
is an excellent one. And yes, the governments do allow food stamps for students.
When I was 43 I went back to school to get my nursing degree. They told me it
would take over 2 years. I did it in 3 semesters. I was working a 'minimum wage'
job, but some weeks only 20 hours a week (because of the time available, with
all my classes and studying) and I went to the Financial Aid office on campus. Not
only did they help me to get funds, they helped me to get "Grants" that I never
had to pay back, and one loan, which I, of course, had to pay back and did. I also
was able to get food stamps, and I had health care (small fee each semester, paid
for out of the monies from the grants and loan) while I was a student.
I was, of course, on my own, and had rent and utilities to pay and dog food to buy
for fur kids, etc. With each grant check, I would immediately pay my rent for the
number of months that the grant had to cover. I would also figure out an average
of my monthly utility bills multiplied by the same number of months and put that
on the side. The remainder, plus my small paychecks, and food stamps, is what I
used for my weekly expenses (food, cleaning supplies, dog food, gas for my
vehicle, etc)
Please check it out. It would be an excellent way to get out of being 'beholding' to
your father and make it much easier for you to set your own personal boundaries.
Remember also that NO is a complete sentence. Even if you have to repeat it over
and over. No explanation, just NO. Eventually, and it may take some time, he will
hear it.
After saying NO a few times, not more than 3, in a phone conversation, then it is
time to say:
"Have to go dad, talk to you later."
and hang up the phone.
When you get text messages from him, delete them IMMEDIATELY. You do not
have to read them.
I know it will be hard. VERY HARD. But you can get off this crazy roller coaster
ride your father has you on. He may expect you to help him, in his please to get
your mother back, however, he is in denial, yep just like an A, that this is just
not going to happen.
And actually, he should be talking to HIS lawyer who can talk to your Mom's
attorney.
You do not have to be the 'middle person' in this drama that your father had
created by his actions.
I am going to pm you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
We don't talk on the phone. I have told him that I don't feel comfortable talking to him on the phone right now. I don't know when I will feel comfortable talking on the phone with him again, but as long as he has this "poor me" thing going on, no. He also cries a lot, and that makes me uncomfortable. He went to see his parents (my grandparents) yesterday, maybe that made him feel better, who knows, but I apologized to him via text and he never responded, he did say that I'd never hear from him again, what if he never talks to me again?
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
what if he never talks to me again?
but B) if he didn't speak to you again, because you refused to put up with the manipulation, emotional blackmail, attempts to transfer responsibility for his marriage/happiness to you, insistance on the reversal of parent/child roles, what is it that you are afraid of losing? I'm not trying to be harsh, I know you love him, but this isn't about love, it's about practically identifying the real things that non-contact would bring about, the pros and cons.
When I did this exercise I had to really challenge things on both lists for "reality checks" to make sure they were real things I thought I'd gain/lose or whether they were based in the fantasy of what I wished my relationship with the A was like.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I would very kindly offer your emotional support, but, state clearly that that does not include anything having to do with your mom.
My RAH does this thing you describe, where he acts like I do not have a mind of my own. It is narcississtic behavior. He sees himself as the center of the universe, and her making a choice to exclude him does not jibe with that belief: "How could she not want to see me?"
I have two friends who were very close, they had a falling out, so severe it went into legalities. Friend A decided not to try to salvage the friendship at all; to cut ties and end it entirely. I remained very close to both. Uncomfortable to be sure.
Friend B, who was initially in the wrong, by most standards, is trying to reconnect with Friend A. In a desperate way. She constantly wants to know what friend A is up to, how is her life, "what does she think of me?", etc.
I dont want to say, "she does not think of you at all. She has moved on."
I dont want to be in the middle.
I had to make a clear boundary:
"I love you, we have our own friendship. I cannot go between the two of you. YOu should send her an email if you want to connect. I will no longer talk about her, for no other reason that it takes away from our friendship. Thats between you and her. I will excuse myself if you ask about her...I love you, and I am your friend, but, surely we have other things to discuss besides friend B."
She still goes there, and I just very politely exuse myself from the interaction.
Your dad needs to work on himself. But if he doesnt want to or doesnt know how, just dont let the phone calls go there. delete emails and dont read them.
Tell him you love him and want to be in his life, but your mom is an adult and she made her choices. Try not to teach him a lesson, or prove something to him.
If I have learned anything, it is that silence and "keeping my side of the street clean" really forces dysfunctional people to face the issues because the chatter slows down and they are left with their own truth.
The universe works that way. It might take some practice, but you can do it.
My RAH does this thing you describe, where he acts like I do not have a mind of my own. It is narcississtic behavior. He sees himself as the center of the universe, and her making a choice to exclude him does not jibe with that belief: "How could she not want to see me?"
I have two friends who were very close, they had a falling out, so severe it went into legalities. Friend A decided not to try to salvage the friendship at all; to cut ties and end it entirely. I remained very close to both. Uncomfortable to be sure.
Friend B, who was initially in the wrong, by most standards, is trying to reconnect with Friend A. In a desperate way. She constantly wants to know what friend A is up to, how is her life, "what does she think of me?", etc.
I dont want to say, "she does not think of you at all. She has moved on."
I dont want to be in the middle.
I had to make a clear boundary:
"I love you, we have our own friendship. I cannot go between the two of you. YOu should send her an email if you want to connect. I will no longer talk about her, for no other reason that it takes away from our friendship. Thats between you and her. I will excuse myself if you ask about her...I love you, and I am your friend, but, surely we have other things to discuss besides friend B."
She still goes there, and I just very politely exuse myself from the interaction.
Your dad needs to work on himself. But if he doesnt want to or doesnt know how, just dont let the phone calls go there. delete emails and dont read them.
Tell him you love him and want to be in his life, but your mom is an adult and she made her choices. Try not to teach him a lesson, or prove something to him.
If I have learned anything, it is that silence and "keeping my side of the street clean" really forces dysfunctional people to face the issues because the chatter slows down and they are left with their own truth.
The universe works that way. It might take some practice, but you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 82
According to the restraining order against myself, I cannot contact a third party to speak to my ex-fiance on my behalf. It sounds like he is violating his restraining order by talking to you about your mom. You do have the option of telling your mom about this so she can report the violation. I am the RA in my relationship, but I just wanted to add my $0.02.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I personally could not have discussions with either of my parents about their marriage. They are my parents and I would feel really uncomfortable knowing anything personal about their marriage as it pertains to conflict. Unless my mother was being abused or mistreated, I would tell my parents to get counseling/talk to friends their own age but not to tell me about it. Even though we are all middle aged now, I feel that it is not appropriate for my parents to lean on me about their marriage. I would do anything to help them in other areas of their lives, their health, etc.
Your father probably wants to convince you to convince your mother to take him back AND/OR he is using you to offload his guilt and shame by convincing you he is a good guy AND/OR he is trying to get you to take care of him emotionally now that your mother has had enough.
This is not healthy for you. Set boundaries. Maybe it will prompt him to get counseling, maybe not. But you cannot be his therapist.
Your father probably wants to convince you to convince your mother to take him back AND/OR he is using you to offload his guilt and shame by convincing you he is a good guy AND/OR he is trying to get you to take care of him emotionally now that your mother has had enough.
This is not healthy for you. Set boundaries. Maybe it will prompt him to get counseling, maybe not. But you cannot be his therapist.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by headstrong 
According to the restraining order against myself, I cannot contact a third party to speak to my ex-fiance on my behalf. It sounds like he is violating his restraining order by talking to you about your mom. You do have the option of telling your mom about this so she can report the violation. I am the RA in my relationship, but I just wanted to add my $0.02.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by choublak
I explained this to my dad, and he was like, "I think it will be okay, just ask her not to report me".
Edit: Hopefully warning him by letting him know that you know he is violating his restraining order will be enough. You could also spin it by telling him the same thing the sheriff told me when I asked for their escort to get my things back. "We will not help you violate your restraining order." By allowing him to continue speaking to you, you are allowing him to continue to violate the restraining order. Oh, BTW, each day/time he contacts you is considered a violation. So, for example, if he called you on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, that is three separate violations. The charges rack up quickly. Food for thought.
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