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His little plan to call the cops backfired on him

Old 05-27-2012, 07:27 PM
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His little plan to call the cops backfired on him

The fool that he is.

Long story made as short as I can.

ABF was refusing to let me take our babies to spend the day with their big sisters, uncle, unlce's gf and her kids, and my mom and stepdad bc I had the nerve to "open my mouth" to him. My older dd's spent the night at my mom's cabin. After him flipping me off and telling me that if I tried to take the babies to see my family, he'd call the cops on me and tell them that I hit him and to arrest me.

When my mom wanted to know where we were for dinner and she figured out we weren't "allowed" to come over, she and the rest of my family decided to make their way to my home. I swear I did not ask them to do this, they did this on their own. The kids all go play, and shortly thereafter, my mom makes a comment, and her and abf and my family are arguing with him about how he treats me and the kids. Not terribly arguing, but enough....they've had enough of him and his games, how he pays NOTHING to live here, how he bosses me around (as am I and my girls). He decided to call the police to have them remove my family.

The cops get here, ask who owns the place (we both do, sadly) and when abf tells him, the cop tells him that there's nothing he can do and as long as I say they can stay, then oh well.

The policeman was a million times better than the ones who came here when I called them a couple months ago. This one saw right through abf's bs. He told me to file a pfa since he wouldn't let me leave if I tried to take the babies, he has a history of violence (throwing things at me) and I told the policeman about his threat to burn the house if he has to "go down." He told me to go ahead and try to file; that according to him and this pattern of abf's, I should be able to be granted one.

I at least feel a bit vindicated here tonight. He thought he was going to get his way but got a little bit of a slapdown.

The officer even made a comment to him when I told him about how he wouldn't let me go with the babies. He told him, "so you're mad, and going to hold that over your babies to prevent them from spending time with their family."

Amazing how the story instantly changes though when confronted. He denied ever saying I couldn't leave.

What a liar.

My heart broke a little more for my dd's. My mom told me that my 5 year old was telling her grandpap about how "mean abf is to mommy" and how he "calls mommy names all the time."

How can people like him sleep at night?

I wasn't able to make it to the attorney the other day b/c he miraculously made it out of bed early that day and decided he was going to the "store" with me. I did speak to the attorney on the phone and she told me that I could try for the pfa.

What fun. I think I am going to try this pfa thing. We've had it.
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Old 05-28-2012, 03:38 AM
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I hope you will contact an attorney immediately.
I also suggest that you contact your local domestic violence organization. His behavior is abusive and the dv advocates can help you with resources and plans.

Sending encouragement as you find a better way for you and your children.
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Old 05-28-2012, 04:01 AM
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I did talk to the attorney when I called to cancel the appointment I made because he insisted on going with me to the "store." That's where I told him I was going that day.

I had been trying to contact the dv's legal advocate and left messages but she never called me back. I will contact them again and hopefully will get some information.

Ever since a few months ago when I spoke to the legal advocate about getting a pfa (restraining order) when I told her everything else that he's done, throwing things at me, name calling, saying that if he takes our twins that I'll "face consequences," etc. and she told me that it would be a weak pfa and that he could too easily fight it, I have felt stuck and hopeless. I have been hoping for him to slap me, or do anything physical to be able to get him out of here.

Yesterday, however, the officer gave me a little bit of hope when he told me that keeping me here by not letting me take my babies and his other violent tendencies by throwing things, the threats he's made, just his general pattern should be enough to get that pfa.

I honestly never felt more completely hopeless as I did on Sat and yesterday when he wouldn't let me take my kids. I just sat here, sad for my children that they were split up on a day that could've been so fun for them. I felt like I couldn't do anything and if I tried, he'd call the police and I would've ended up in jail. Just like another member here (I can't remember her name) who's h had her arrested b/c she "hit" him...even though she didn't. I didn't want that to be me; I could see abf do exactly that. Lie to get what he wants, to control me.

I am so fed up with him and how he behaves, how he treats me, how he'll make comments to my kids about me, making it like he's the innocent one and I'm the one with the problem. My kids are sick of it and eventually I know that our babies will be sick of it. I've told him to stop saying things about me to them; that if he keeps it up, one day they'll grow to resent him.

I don't think he cares.
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Old 05-28-2012, 04:15 AM
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My concern is that your children may resent you for not removing them from the situation.
I speak from experience, as a mom. The intimidation, the minimizing of their feelings, the lack of mutual respect in our home, the ugliness that life became. I have asked my children to forgive me for not leaving sooner.
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Old 05-28-2012, 07:07 AM
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Some may find my saying this a little out of line, but it's about time the cops did something right.
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Old 05-28-2012, 07:31 AM
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Yes, he seemed like a very kind cop who knows enough about situations like these to not let abf play the victim. It was so nice to have a neutral person say something to him. Though I am sure that since I apparently had sex with the young cop who was here the last time while I was in a separate room with him, he probably told his fellow state officers to take my side. I am certain that will be abf's reasoning for how everything played out.

Hopefully these will be his last days here in this home bc I am making calls tomorrow after the holiday.
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:32 AM
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HOw can he sleep at night?

He is loaded, I presume.

Alcohol sucks.

HE may act that way when sober, though, too. Vindictive to the point of tunnel vision.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:10 AM
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I believe he was sober last night. He has no money and I refuse to buy him alcohol. Unless he has a stash hidden somewhere.

I finally realized that he's that way whether drinking or not. He's just a nasty jerk regardless. I used to think it was the alcohol; granted he's a lot worse when drinking, but he's that way no matter what.

How can you take anger out on little kids? What kind of person does that? I don't expect an answer, just more of a statement.

He's acting like nothing happened yesterday. That's another of the maddening things he does. Carry on like some overgrown baby, name call, etc etc, then pretend like nothing ever happened the next day. OR I'm expected to just get over it, since it's in the past.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:11 AM
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BTW, thank you all for letting me "talk" and get this out. It helps. Thank goodness for this site.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:14 AM
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Amazing how the story instantly changes though when confronted. He denied ever saying I couldn't leave.
What a liar.
What you are seeing is a glimpse of what will happen when you realize he's just trying to control you. Everything he tells you is done so to control and frighten you, not because it's true.

Your children can see what's happening and they will thank you for getting rid of this worthless piece of crap you're living with.

I am not a domestic violence victim, but I just went through a crazy phase of believing everything my AH said to me about me and what I had to do was snap out of it. It was horrible, but you can do the same. Stop looking at him as the one with all the power and get the **** out of there. We HAND them the power, we can take it back.

How can you both own the place, but he pays nothing to live there?

Do you have a car? Why don't you pack up what you need for a few days and leave with the kids? Then you can consult with attorneys, get the ppo in place and get him removed from the home.

Can you call your family and ask them to come back over while you do so?

Or call the police and tell them he's threatening you, then tell him to kiss my ass and shut the **** up and then start packing. The police will come and remove him from the house.

Last edited by transformyself; 05-28-2012 at 09:15 AM. Reason: possible forum violation? Thought twice.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by witharealwinner View Post
I believe he was sober last night. He has no money and I refuse to buy him alcohol. Unless he has a stash hidden somewhere.

I finally realized that he's that way whether drinking or not. He's just a nasty jerk regardless. I used to think it was the alcohol; granted he's a lot worse when drinking, but he's that way no matter what.
Another little saying that I came to appreciate that I read here on SR:

You can wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.

AA has one about a drunken horsethief becoming sober sometimes is just a sober horse thief.

The problem is that instead of seeing the reality we want to blame the alcohol and fantasize that when the alcohol is gone that POOF!!!! There he is : Prince Charming!!!!

Reminds me of another funny saying. A child was digging away at a huge pile of horse manure furiously. She was asked what she was doing. She replied with all this horse poop there MUST be a pony down here somewhere!!!!

Its not the alcohol. It's not the horse thief that is the problem. It is MY personal ability to be instantly attracted to very large steaming piles of pony poop (I like to think of them as majestic stamping stallions snorting and blowing and dancing in the moonlight that are just buried down deep in that manure if I can just dig it out or fix it).

I just NEED to dig that pony/stallion out of there!!!!

The problem ... for me... is a very and I mean VERY broken picker. So throw the bum out but then work on the picker.

It's what I did.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:47 AM
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You aren't married to him, you pay the bills and you own a house together. You need to copy all of the documents that prove you are paying everything. Also document, date, time, sign and state all of his abuses in one notebook, hidden from him. Find a different attorney. The Judge will see who is truthful and who isn't. Somehow, you will need to get his name or yours off of the deed to the house....

I feel for you. A controlling person is really out of control. That behavior progresses in my experience. I really hope you find a better attorney, try to file that restraining order and somehow get him out of your life. He needs help and as long as he is feeling that he has control, it's going to be difficult. Those babies need a stable environment to live in.

I don't know enough, but please find out how to get out of this situation. My opinion.
I wish you well, whatever you choose.

Peace, love & hugs,
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks View Post
The problem is that instead of seeing the reality we want to blame the alcohol and fantasize that when the alcohol is gone that POOF!!!! There he is : Prince Charming!!!!
LOL. This is all too often true.
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Old 05-28-2012, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by witharealwinner View Post
I believe he was sober last night. He has no money and I refuse to buy him alcohol. Unless he has a stash hidden somewhere.

I finally realized that he's that way whether drinking or not. He's just a nasty jerk regardless. I used to think it was the alcohol; granted he's a lot worse when drinking, but he's that way no matter what.

How can you take anger out on little kids? What kind of person does that? I don't expect an answer, just more of a statement.

He's acting like nothing happened yesterday. That's another of the maddening things he does. Carry on like some overgrown baby, name call, etc etc, then pretend like nothing ever happened the next day. OR I'm expected to just get over it, since it's in the past.
I feel your frustration. Mine is doing the same thing. Drunk or sober, he's just plain mean. Then wants me to get over it when he's not angry anymore.
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Old 05-28-2012, 06:59 PM
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Sorry I haven't been back....took the babies and spent the day with my dd's and my mom and stepdad.

Someone asked how we both own the place but he pays for nothing. It is true, he lost his job right before the twins were born and stated that he has been paaying into unemployment for years, so he was going to get everything he could out of it. He would keep his unemployment money and say he used it to pay his car loan. I pay for it all....except his car loan, his car insurance, and his alcohol. That is his problem, not mine.

I don't even remember the last time he bought his babies a pack of diapers.

I have been saving every receipt I can that shows what I buy. I have been documenting as best I can his verbal abuse.

I have slowly been building my case against him.

I don't think he has a leg to stand on no matter what. My girls tell the school counselor, their teachers, their counselors (who cometo our home twice a week) the family services people know about him, the dv people know, the state police know him now.

Forgive my lack of knowledge on this, but can someone be removed only for threats? I was told that the police will only remove someone if they have hit and left marks.

And yes I do see how he can get more controlling. He saw that he could dangle taking the babies from me, or thinking he could get me arrested if I tried in order to keep me stuck here with him. Do men like this even really want their children, or just like to use them as pawns in their sick game?

Thank you again everyone for your kind words and understanding....goodness knows I can use some.
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Old 05-28-2012, 07:23 PM
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I don't know what state you live in, but here in Massachusetts, there are 2 types of protection orders, one is for physical fear and the other is a harassment protection order.

This is what is stated for criminal harassment in MA; Section 43A. (a) Whoever willfully and maliciously engages in a knowing pattern of conduct or series of acts over a period of time directed at a specific person, which seriously alarms that person and would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, shall be guilty of the crime of criminal harassment and shall be punished by imprisonment in a house of correction for not more than 21/2 years or by a fine of not more than $1,000, or by both such fine and imprisonment.

CHAPTER 258E
HARASSMENT PREVENTION ORDERS

Section 1. As used in this chapter the following words shall, unless the context clearly requires otherwise, have the following meanings:-

“Abuse”, attempting to cause or causing physical harm to another or placing another in fear of imminent serious physical harm.

“Harassment”, (i) 3 or more acts of willful and malicious conduct aimed at a specific person committed with the intent to cause fear, intimidation, abuse or damage to property and that does in fact cause fear, intimidation, abuse or damage to property; or (ii) an act that: (A) by force, threat or duress causes another to involuntarily engage in sexual relations; or (B) constitutes a violation of section 13B, 13F, 13H, 22, 22A, 23, 24, 24B, 26C, 43 or 43A of chapter 265 or section 3 of chapter 272.


I do not have enough posts to put a link here. You can private message me if you need more info or would like the link to the protection order so you can read it more thoroughly.


I am in the process of going through criminal harassment charges against my XABF with the courts right now and was contemplating going back for a protection order.



I hope this helps you some.
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Old 05-28-2012, 07:49 PM
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Do men like this even really want their children, or just like to use them as pawns in their sick game?
As long as he is still drinking, my guess would be control. My ex tried this with me, and even though I knew he was wrong, I did not research enough and get the info I needed to feel safe.

Ask the DV people how to phrase your complaint about him, they will give you the words you need to make a point. Like instead of "I am afraid" you could say "I suffering serious emotional distress when he threatens to take my children from me. He does this almost every week."

Find the law and the language and you will feel much better, because he is so wrong, he is just digging his own hole, and getting deeper everyday.

Beth
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