1tiredchick

I am so sorry this is long but I have no one else to help me. I hope someone can give me some advice that will help me to listen to my head and not my heart. My AH left me in April. We have been married almost 10 years, as much time separated as together because of his drinking and the horrible things that come with it. All of it, the selfishness, criticism, blaming, lack of responsibility, inability to bring home a paycheck, the bars, the lies, the cruelty, and the constant and progressive decent into a deeper and deeper kind of hell. Each time we reconciled we got along for a few months and then it was back to the same. In 2007 he got hurt and became addicted to percoset for 5 years, drinking the whole time, and driving too. He finally stopped the pills cause the doctor told him it was going to kill him. Our sex life died a quick death and never came back. I'd leave again or make him leave, we'd start missing each other and on it went. Finally I had enough and we stayed separated for 9 months but we talked on the phone. His drinking got so bad he wasn't making any sense at all when he talked. His memory got worse and worse. He would tell me things several times or ask me something I had just told him. He started talking about suicide. He became totally irrational, cursing God and everyone else. Finally I stopped answering his calls. After a couple of months he came to the door and said he had made arrangements to go to detox. He stayed 10 days, the whole program and came out with a good attitude and went to AA every night, got a sponsor and worked the program. I started going to Alanon, and went to speaker meetings with him every Friday night and most Sundays. I let him come home. He relapsed less than 30 days later and told me about it. He got his 30 day chip, relapsed again, and ran away. Quit his job and ran. Everyone was calling him and he came home the next day, went back to AA and started over. Then he started getting mean again, blaming me for everything, became very controlling and depressed, lathargic, no interest in life at all. He finally got his 90 day chip and was drunk as a fish within 24 hours. After that, he kept going to AA but would stay drunk 2 or 3 days, sober 2 or 3 days and start all over. He got real mean, real hard to live with and it was worse than I had ever seen him. He was a hateful rattlesnake, cursing me every breath, hating life and blaming me. My Alanon helped but I still say as long as dealt with his alcoholism, I could not deal with his attempt at sobriety. Sobriety is not for sissies! It's horrible. Life was all about him when he was drunk, and it was still all about him when he tried to get sober. I was ready for him to leave but refused to make him go. I continued to get up every morning and fix his breakfast and lunch, have his dinner ready so he could eat before he went to AA, paid all the bills, washed his clothes and kept the house clean. he did virtually nothing. Finally in April, he came home from his new (lower paying) job, yelling and screaming that he had seen our neighbor drive across our yard that morning (nothing is there but an empty lot) and he had been angry all day! he said he was going to go over and get it straight with "that SOB". I knew he would curse and scream and so I told him he better not. He said if I stopped him from doing that he was going to leave me! I said "well, if you give me that stupid ultimatum then being here must not be important to you so you can leave if you want to but you are not going to go make an ass out of yourself over something that trivial". He packed his things and left.
Then called me the next day and said he was going to try to find mental help because there was something wrong with his head other than the alcoholism.
He moved in with his 89 year old mother and had our phones turned off. I have heard nothing from him since. At first I was relieved, but Now I am sitting here and I miss him, and it hurts so bad. I have given him everything I had, stuck with him the best I could, and loved him, and watched him get worse and worse. I can't think of even one thing he ever did for me that was nice, no little thing at all. There was no hugging, no love from him... he only took and took and took. I learned a lot from Alanon, but now I quit going. I cannot figure out WHY I miss a man who treated me like crap. My heart is broken and I wish I could see him one minute and then realize it would be a waste of time the next. I want so much to move on with my life but I am so lonely here, and wondering if I will ever be okay. Somebody please tell me the pain will go away, and I can enjoy life again without wondering about him. I am just so very tired. Thanks for listening.

Katiekate

OMG, I am weeping, you are so raw and vunerable right now. I am so sorry. I really am. My xa and I have been pretty much split up since January, I have seen maybe twice breifly and we have talked on the phone a couple of times, each time it was in the end awful, started out nice, I didn't give him what he wanted and it was off to the races. YOu know the drill, you fault, your stupid, blah blah blah.

I have been so sad this past week, and today I just kind of crumbled and sobbed and sobbed, and I have to tell you that helped. I am addicted to him. And I love him a lot, but neither one of those things is helpful to either him or me.

But it is better, better than it was 2 weeks ago, and better than it was yesterday, it just takes time. Probably resting is a good idea for tonight, if you can, and getting back to al anon, and maybe a therapist, and reaching out to family and friends, don't do this alone, it's too hard. The more I open up to the people that love me , the more I realize I needed that all along, but because of my shame and my worry, I let all the things I needed slip away, he wanted my full attention and he got it, at my expense.

Please keep posting, the people here at SR really do care. I'm sending you a huge hug. love to you Katie xoxoox

PS I am sick too

webber1

Hi

Be gentle with yourself..

I came to a point where I had to believe there was something better. It was as simple as that. And every day I believed it got better slowly and yes there were days I CRIED, I thought why me but it did get better .....much better

Nothings easy but you do deserve so much more ...

I hope this little saying helps " Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for "

AlreadyAlone

Oh I hate to see you hurting like this. We are all sick, if that helps...

I'm really new at this stuff myself, but I'm clinging to this site like a life raft lately- perhaps you could try that too.
You asked to get you to listen to your head and not your heart so here goes: Perhaps write a list of all the things you haven't had to put up with since he left. I've been living in my heart today, but to jolt myself out of it, I try to be logical and businesslike. Believe it or not, there's nothing like typing out a pros and cons chart in black and white to stop an emotional tide. or the idea of doing that will make you laugh.

You will feel better than this. I feel better now than I did this afternoon when I kissed my ABF goodbye, saying I love you, and he turned his face away to avoid my kiss and said ya, ok, see you in the morning. You are not missing anything. I am almost at the point where I would be willing to trade. See, alcoholism makes us all sick.

1tiredchick

I don't think I have ever felt as much concern and true caring as I have from you guys who have answered my "I'm Sick Too" post. I couldn't get online all day yesterday but when I finally got it just now I sat here and cried. Thank you all so much, I don't know what to say. I feel like I have been in a shipwreck with a bunch of people I never knew but we washed up on the same beach and now we all share one common tragedy that obviously changed all of our lives. I had tried reaching out to others, family, friends etc but see now that nobody knows, really knows and understands unless you have lived it, cried the same tears, for the same reason, felt the same hurt and sense of helplessness. I feel better just knowing you are all there and understand completely. Just to have someone, many of you say to me "it will get better" makes me take a deep breath and turn my head at last to look forward instead of backward. Thank you all so much. I will be hanging around here a lot I think. God bless you all.

1tiredchick

It's been 3 months now since my AH left me. He stayed sober only a week after detox last August while he was "attempting sobriety", going to AA twice a day, drinking the whole time, lying to everyone. Attempted suicide 3 times, cursed me every breath and said he felt nothing for anyone in his life and if life was this way he wanted out. I had told him at his last relapse that I would support him as long as he sought help but would no longer finance his drinking, pay his bills or suffer HIS consequences, and I stopped doing it. He left a week later. We have had no contact but our friends and family keep me informed. A month after he left me he freaked out at a friends house, tried to kill himself and the police committed him to a mental ward for a few days. He has no job and is on unemployment. He drives around all day drinking, drinks just as bad as ever, tells people he left me because we couldn't get along... like it's my fault. I have been trying so hard to move on. I wrote him a letter and asked him to please send me a note telling me why he chose to leave with no explanation so that I could have closure, but I have not heard from him. But One thing I don't understand is why he drives by our house. It's a loop road and you have to go out of the way to go down it so I know he's doing it intentionally. He saw one of our friends cars here and went to his house to ask why he was over here. It's crazy stuff, and making me nuts. I have tried to go out with other people and spend time with my family but nothing helps. I can't get him off my mind and I still cry a lot. Weird thing is that I do not want him to come home. I wish I could just see him once in a while and then he would go back to his mom's house where he lives. I know that's crazy but I can't get relief from this pain in my heart. Nothing works. I think my AH is headed for a very deep and dark place. It's only a matter of time before his alcohol-related dementia gets worse... (personality changes, short term memory is gone, wide gaited stagger, less tolerance to alcohol, filling in things when he can't remember and making up wild sounding stories, anger, lack of judgement, inability to make a decision)and the rest of his body starts to shut down from the effects of 30 years of alcoholism. Sometimes God forgive me I wish he would just die so I could grieve and move on. I feel trapped by loving him, and it seems as if he is trying to punish me for something even though I have been a good and faithful wife to him for 10 years. He blames me for the failure of our marriage, and can't understand why we couldn't get along! This is so crazy. How can I accept it and move on when just knowing he is driving by makes me feel as though he at least still cares. What is going on in my stupid head???

Jadmack25

Oh my dear, it is hard enough to heal without this demented man traipsing past past your home and bullying neighbours. Please do not fall for the idea that he is doing this because he loves you or even cares a bit....as he is way past caring for anything but his next drink. He does it maybe to hassle you, to let you know HE is watching you or just because he can... how does oe ever make sense of the senseless?

Your head is not stupid, just still spinning from the years of torture and abuse from him.
As for him telling folks you couldn't get along or blaming you for the breakup, well I bet those folks can see why it happened if he is before them in the state you describe.

It will become easier to handle, the hurt and grief will lessen and in time you will see and feel changes in your life, will begin to smile and feel peace again....but it takes time.

Being with others who know what this hell is as Alanon folks do, venting here and keeping your distance from his poisonous comments and lifestyle are some ways of getting thru this tough and miserable time.

I hold you in my prayers and my heart.

1tiredchick

Thanks so much Jadmack25. I am so hurt and upset partly because I am a Christian and always believed God would intervene. My husband has been mean to me for 10 years, slowly spiraling downward into worse and worse addiction until it finally started affecting his brain. I have supported him, loved him and waited. He called me the day after he left me and said he was sorry for putting me through hell, that he hadn't done it intentionally and that he loved me. Now he won't even answer my letter. I want so much to move on with my life but for some crazy reason have not been able to accept that he does not love me. I just keep hoping, praying and waiting for him to call me and say he loves me and wants to make things right. I know that I would not allow him to come back home right now because I can't live in that hell anymore, but I want so much to see him and talk to him. I know that is just crazy! It makes no sense that I should be so hurt after 10 years of emotional and verbal abuse. Can't get my head right... I want to get away and stop the hurt but I feel stuck. Thanks for listening. God bless you.

outonalimb

Hey ((((tiredchick)))))...

I 'hung in there' with my exah and our marriage for 10 years thinking God would intervene and answer my prayers and my exah would find recovery, get healthy, and return to being the person I *thought* I married.

It didn't happen.

Your looking for validation from your husband but he is INCAPABLE of giving you what you want. You're going to have to find the closure and validation you need within yourself. Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Do things to get healthy...have you tried al anon yet? You hold the keys to your health and recovery. Take your power back. Stop looking for bread in hardware store (a favortie saying around here but so true!!)

sunshine321

Change can be painful. Humans can get used to anything, as I suspect you got used to the emotional and verbal abuse, you will get unused to it too. For me, when I turn the focus on myself and not the addicts in my life, get busy doing instead of being, I feel better. Just taking control of my life and making healthy choices really helps. Also attending those pesky (j/k) Al-Alnon meetings seem to bring a sense of peace.

Maybe try some baby steps, slowly pick one thing you would enjoy and just do it. I am amazed at the positive changes that have come when I finally stopped fighting and allowed them.

Best,
Jen

sunshine321

"The pain is in the resistance." Anonymous

For me, truer words were never spoken.

Best,
Jen

mmk11

The months leading up to my separation and during my separation with AH, I wanted to hear those words so badly and desparately- that he loves me and is in love with me. All of his actions (refusal to discuss resolutions, anger, stonewalling, apathetic, moving out, refusal to work on our marriage in any way) told me everything I needed to know. Words are meaningless indeed.