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at night...

Old 05-26-2012, 11:02 PM
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at night...

Is when I feel the silence the most and pain is apparent. Kids asleep but I am alone with my thoughts. Obsessing over my separated AH and what he is doing, who he is with, why our hard work didn't pay off. I feel right now like I am in such a dark place. I feel like he was a tornado that swept through my life, sucked the life out of me and left this mess I have to clean up. I have to deal with our 4 year old baby girls constant asking for him. I am so angry with him. He just walks away and it is so easy for him. He says its not easy for him and I disagree. He walked away very easily and abandoned our family. I feel like I am losing my mind...how can this be happening to me, once again? I am tired of this life, this pain is just overwhelming.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:26 PM
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I am so sorry Sweeteewalls. I hate being alone with my thoughts at night too. It can be maddening. I felt as if I was crawling and trapped in my skin almost to the point of freaking out.

It helped me to try to get it out. Can you take a bath or shower and scream or cry so your girls can't hear you? Heck, check on your girls and then go sit in the car and scream. It will get better, it just takes time.

Hang in there.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:27 PM
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Hugs to you.
You express what many of us feel at night...or on the weekend,especially a holiday one when it seems most are spending time with their families.
It sucks. There's no other way to put it. But when the daylight comes be at peace knowing that you have done the right thing for yourself and your babies. You can't change the past but you can resolve to have a future that is healthy. You deserve that and so do your children. It isn't fair that you are left being responsible. That they get to go off and do what they want with their alcohol for companionship. Their true love.
Tomorrow will be brighter.
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Old 05-27-2012, 12:05 AM
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Nights and holidays can be tough. I just keep reminding my self that I feel peace and having my ex would be a life of chaos. There is nothing worse than feeling alone while being with someone.
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Old 05-27-2012, 12:11 AM
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It does hurt, honey...it hurts the worst for me at night. My AH isn't here, he doesn't kmow the stress I'm under right now with two little babies to take care of. He resents me now. I am so sick of all of this. It shouldn't be so difficult, right? Frustrating,
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Old 05-27-2012, 12:39 AM
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Old 05-27-2012, 04:43 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingJoy View Post
There is nothing worse than feeling alone while being with someone.
As someone who feels like this right now, I couldn't have said it any better. Very well put.
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Old 05-27-2012, 04:53 AM
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Nights were hard no doubt about it.

The battlefield is the mind. It is our thoughts and beliefs that determine our mood. Happiness is a choice and must be our goal.

When I was battling my thoughts at night I would spend every night here and then I would always have a book about addiction, codependency or some other relevent topic to keep me on track. Reading makes most people sleepy.

If I could not stop the thoughts I got my laptop out and went back to SR and read some more posts to strengthen my resolve.

Refuse to entertain the thoughts... clear your mind. FORCE yourself to think about something else. It is discipline. It will be hard. It will get easier.

If you have trouble sleeping you should pick up melatonin... it is all natural completely safe and what your body produces to induce sleep. Available at any drug or health food store...

this too shall pass...
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:21 AM
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Nights suck a lot of the time, especially on the weekend if we are alone (even if we have the kids with us, we are alone in terms of not having an adult partner with us). We have time to process our thoughts and they can be terrible, confusing, and sad. You do need to process them, but you also need to do things to take your mind off them and be happy.

Yesterday my kids went to their dad's for the afternoon/to sleep over and I took time to write in my journal about my feelings about AX, but I also hung out with a friend at her pool, got healthy Chinese takeout dinner for myself, called my mother, took a bubble bath, and laughed a lot over a sitcom DVD I got from Netflix. Being alone with my thoughts can let them run away with me, so I balance my thoughts with happy things.

I know you feel resentful, hurt, and angry that your A left you holding the bag, abandoned the children, and left you hurting and without a partner. When my AX abandoned me and my kids twice last year, I couldn't even accept it at first. I cried on the phone with my mother: "HOW could he have DONE this to me and the kids?"

My mother said, "What do you mean, honey? People do this sort of thing ALL THE TIME. Don't try to make sense out of things that will never make sense. Just be grateful that you are not the type of person who could do this type of thing."

It IS stunning that someone could abandon his family without a backward glance. My AX tells me that he misses me and the children terribly and that he's in a tremendous amount of pain. I honestly don't care anymore. This is what he chose, and now I get to choose what I do with my life. And YOU do, too.

Process your thoughts, but don't let them run away with you. Give yourself reasons to laugh and feel good even though you're hurting right now. And remember, it's likely you won't be alone forever. But even if you are, it has to be better than the agony of life with someone who isn't there for you or could abandon you at a moment's notice, right?
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:24 AM
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P.S. If you like to exercise like I do, splurge on some fun DVDs to do at home after the little one is in bed. It's hard to feel miserable after a good workout. I highly recommend a shower/bath with your favorite scented shower gel after! It helps me feel cared for and I sleep better when I do this.

Hopeworks is right--we are in battle with our minds, our thoughts. It's important to remember that, even in the midst of pain, we are more than our pain and we can draw upon that to feel better.
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Old 05-27-2012, 09:09 AM
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Love the responses so far - it is a mind game we play with ourselves. And I have my arsenal of tools with me now to defeat the obsessing...like Hopeworks mentions above. Books to read if I can't sleep are most helpful...just last night I had a bout with insomnia...read for an hour until I was sleepy again. Worked like a charm!

I have seen here often the quote: If you are going through hell, keep going.

So keep going, sweetteewalls. It will get better.
~T
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Old 05-27-2012, 01:26 PM
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I've been in the lonely place you inhabit now and can say it passes. I promise you it does. It hurt likes hell, but you will be in a different place. Try to see the mind as a poorly functioning computer. Garbage in, garbage out. It's programmed that way. But we can change the programming.

When a specific person is living rent free in my head I say out loud: "Thank you for sharing _______, now get the f*ck out of here". I think the more I acknowledged my mind was spewing out garbage the easier it got to control it. I change the channel.
I jump into a book I like, watch TV, anything to divert the mind.

And having a reality check: while I was obsessing about ______, he certainly wasn't thinking about me. If he cared he would have changed. He cares about booze, it his the great love of his life.
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:13 PM
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I've discovered in myself that there is a point that I must shut off all negative thinking when it does not benefit me and when it has the potential to bring me down.

I have a phrase hanging in my living room to remind me of this very thing:

Whatever is true,
Whatever is noble
Whatever is right,
Whatever is lovely,
Whatever is admirable,
If anythiing is excellent or praiseworthy,
Think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

Pondering this get's me very far...at peace and happy.

You are admirable and lovely caring for your children and doing what you think is right. Keep up the awesome job
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Old 05-30-2012, 12:10 AM
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Having a rough night again so all these replys are helping me, again!
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Old 05-30-2012, 05:39 AM
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Do you read? I can turn off the wild thoughts with a good book. (((hugs))) to you. It does get better
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:32 AM
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You're not alone. I'm going through the same thing, sitting here with my painful thoughts. My ABF walked out 2 days ago and will be back to pack his things today. It's hard not to be thinking: how could he do this? How could he just walk out leaving me with this house to deal with, these bills to pay. I know he's quite excited about ditching his responsibilities, looking forward to being able to have some fun without me looking on, the witness. It hurts like hell that I'm disposable.
I'm trying so hard to believe that this is the best thing for me but I also can't believe this is happening. He told me it wouldn't after all... ha!
I hope you're hanging in there. It has to get better than this, right?
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:04 AM
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There is nothing worse than feeling alone while being with someone.[/QUOTE]

Exactly.
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Old 06-20-2012, 01:03 AM
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I am having a rough night again...4 yr old daughter sound asleep next to me. I finished reading Getting Them Sober tonight. I did some work in my Codependence No More workbook, watched some TV...I still can't sleep. However, I am NOT having obsessive thoughts anymore about what separated AH is doing...it doesn't even matter what he is doing now! I know it hurts right now but even from my 1st post at night I see a little improvement and that's what they say...progress, not perfection, right? I am not even thinking "why?" Like I used to...now I am just trying to hold on and push through the pain and the grief. It hurts deeply, but I am proud to be allowing myself to feel these emotions and not numbing myself with alcohol, drugs or someone else like separated AH is. I am facing my recovery head on and am in control of me! I dictate what will happen, I have a choice! One day, I won't feel like this anymore. I am starting to see light at the end of this tunnel.
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Old 06-20-2012, 07:28 AM
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My worst times are when I am alone with my son and either
A) he is in some kind of emotional turmoil, or sick
B) we have had a lovely day, and I feel those pangs of grief over not having my family intact to enjoy this

Point A is about anger, resentment and bitterness. How could he not take part! How could he not want to be a reliable source of comfort for our son or me?
Point B is about a fantasy, and the more I let it go to the wind, the better I feel, andit is a practice to remember that I am enough, my son and I are enough. Good times would not be as good if he was here, in fact, they were harder to come by, because of his natural state of chaos.

My son is happier, even though he asks to see his dad. HIs days are brighter, less fraught with uncertainty about what daddy will do or not do, about whether I will break down and get angry at him(RAH), or cry.

It's better, but we grieve about that fantasy.

I am suggesting this book to people on here, and it is abit strange, because it is specific to a personality disorder, but one that mimics alcoholic behavior, and recovering dry drunk behavior. It is called "the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook"

NOt everyone has the personality disorder, but the steps she has you work in this wrokbook really apply to the alanon principles.

Especially excellent at identifying boundaries, where you need them, why you fear making or keeping them.
It is helping me so much, to delineate what my expectations are versus what my RAH is actually capable of. And there is a lot of hard acceptance but freedom that comes with realizing those limitations.
Does it stop me from feeling dumb for expecting so much for so long? NO.
BUt the future is what I am investing in right now.

Good Luck, keep moving forward!
Your kids are lucky to have you!
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Old 06-20-2012, 07:55 AM
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I'm so glad you are seeing the change in yourself!
I had to remind myself, often, that feelings are not dangerous. That it can hurt and you can cry and you can fear, but it's just feelings. They will pass.

I can relate to the anger in your first post about how you are left to clean up the mess. At tough moments, I still feel that from time to time. But I try to remind myself that I have a better opportunity to support my children outside an alcoholic relationship.

You're walking it, friend. Keep walking.
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