Standingalone

I am a single mom to two boys. Different dads. The littlest has AF. I want to be able to eventually find love with another person. Someone was is goal orientated, Honest, and not an addict / alcoholic. I still have trust issues. From ex abf I tend to believe there aren't decent people out there. And as a single mom, where do I find one? I tried dating sites, no luck. I just don't know how to meet someone in a constructive manner to have a healthy relationship. Who will want the burden of being with a woman raising her kids on her own? I have been attending alanon online because I don't have reliable babysitting. Any suggestions thoughts would be appreciated.

ZiggyB

Dear, I think many of us are wondering the same thing. I wish I knew how to tell you to find love with a trustworthy person. Maybe try a church group or a community center where people are not drinking?

Best of luck,
-z

Rosiepetal

Hi there
I am a working single mum of 2.
I know where you're coming from.
I've just split from my alcoholic boyfriend & to be honest he never had that much to do with the kids anyway. Actually I think in 21/2 years he only stayed over about 4 times when the kids were there.
He hurt their feelings a few times when drunk & behaved badly, part of the reason I want more from a man.
It is hard on your own with kids to even date, don't know about you but I have mine 24/7.
I'm not into the idea of online dating schemes. I've decided to go it alone for a while & get myself real strong.
I think if a man enters my life then he has to accept that I have 2 kids & am part of a package which I didn't get from the ex.
Am hoping when I'm happier I will attract happy nice men.

marie1960

With kindness I say just go about your life. Concentrate on raising your kids to feel safe, secure, and loved. Guide them to grow up and be productive, confident, stable adults. Exposing children to addiction causes life long scars. Time to raise the bar.

I would take a big time out and work on myself. I would try to figure out why I keep attracting the same type of guy...

I would make short term goals for myself.

I would make a list of my worthy qualities, I would make a list of my faults/weaknesses and I would start working on me. One thing I learned along time ago, needy women attract the wrong kind of guy.

Get to know YOU. In general people are attracted to confidence, when you are comfortable in your own skin, others are comfortable and enjoy being with you.

I would make a list of qualities that I would feel are important in a partner. And then I would live by that list. So you meet a guy and he doesn't meet your critera, you simply move on, no sense wasting time, trying to fix/help or mold someone, ( we both know that doesn't work.)

Only you can raise the bar. Only you can add VALUE to your one precious life. YOU get to make your "own happily ever after"

i do not have a crystal ball, I cannot give you a time frame. If you rush into something you will probably experience more of the same. Patience is your friend.

There is alot of support for you here at SR. I hope you are reading the stickys at the top of the forum. Lots of powerful information right at your fingertips.

Last, of course you do not want someone in your life who would consider your children a burden....... that is the last thing you or your kids need...... so maybe for right now, you can do the next best thing and be your own best friend for a bit.

I've heard it said over and over, seems we find love when we aren't even looking.
(((hugs)))

Learn2Live

I don't have children and I have the same problem as you. Finding love is easy. Living together is a whole different story!

lillamy

I honestly think Marie has the answer: Stop looking.
Stop looking and focus on being the person you want to be. Be the person you are, deep down inside. Raise your kids. Follow your dreams. Ziggy had a post earlier today about self-confidence, that I think says what I'm trying to say.

When you are happy and content in your life, you attract the right people. When you're desperately seeing someone, you attract the wrong people.

sweetteewalls

I too am a single mom, wrapping up my 2nd of failed marriages to an A. I have 2 kids, 1 from each husband. I haven't posted on here for awhile...but I'm compelled. You have to love yourself first. You have to believe you are worthy if you want to find a healthy relationship. I made 2 mistakes...I learned from them. I will not let my past determine my future. I deserve better than what I've settled for. I want a relationship too but Id rather be alone than with a husband who really isn't there like I've had for the past 6 years...nobody will know your worth until you know it. Love yourself. xo

Standingalone

Thank you for comments encouragement and support. I actually have been on my own for about 3 yrs, not to say it hasn't been alittle on again off again with xabf. But I am putting myself thru nursing school. I know to not look someone will come knocking. I guess I have to continue to be the one with responsibility and it will pay off in the end. I need to get a healthy group of "friends" even. Oh and yes I am here with them 24/7 unless I have school. I appreciate the wealth of information on here, many people's stories I can relate to feeling it now or in the past. I believe in God and the great plan guidance he gives us.

CactusJill

I am with you. I am a single mother of three - 2 from first husband (painkiller addict) and one from second husband (lazy jerk). And to top it all off, I am currently with an ABF. Sigh. I know eventually I will leave him, probably soon rather than later.

One thing I fear, and I hate myself for it, is exactly that - being alone. I have a good job and am reasonably attractive, but almost all of my time is consumed by my kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world, but it is going to make dating hard, if not impossible. Especially since I am in recovery myself (I have almost six months) and am a raging codependent. I know I need to just stay the heck away from men for a long, long time. But I have little time for friends and no family here.

Blah. It stinks. But what can you do.

Rosiepetal

I made a lot of new friends after my marriage broke up through my kids so that's one way of looking at it.
It's funny cause my best friends daughter is one of my daughters best friends too. Lovely.

knarfia

I am a mother to twin toddlers and I wonder, if I do end up leaving my AH, if I will ever find love. Some people might think this is wrong of me, but I am a non-religious person who has started attending my local church religiously. I disagree with just about everything they say, but they have daycare there for Sunday service and for an AA program they call Celebrate Recovery (and I really hate that program, too, as it places way too much importance on staying with the husband no matter what, because women are apparently no good on their own.) But it is literally the only place where my kids can be with other kids and I know they're safe, and it forces me to be sociable, which, though I hate it, I know is necessary for my mental health. I'm not telling you church is your answer, but try to get out there somehow. I know what you mean about feeling there are no decent people out there, though. It sucks.