How can I help my Son?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
While I can see there are issues, honestly, no I do not see the dilema. There is always a way to make children safe. When I was a child I took a rifle out of my fathers hands, he was going to shoot my brother. That's a dilema.
We mustn't ever minimize someone else's dilemmas or traumas based on our own personal experiences. It serves no purpose other than to tell them "Yeah, well what you're going through is nothing. *This* is what I went through."
PAGrandma DOES have a dilemma on her hands, and thank God she's dealing with it appropriately by seeking the assistance of others who want to offer support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello PAGrandma,
I think Spes has the best idea. Take temporary custody, the school year is almost over.
Your granddaughters seems to be doing so well there in Delaware, you and the other grandma (along with the proper authorities) could find a place for them to live to finish their education where they are thriving.
Dad could have supervised visitation not until he can come sober to see his children.
I know there are other details.
But thank you for being there for your beautiful and bright granddaughters.
My father was an abusive alcoholic, I wish my grandma had saved me.
There are people at the school and in social services who are there just to handle this kind of case.
You grandmas will have to sound the alarm though. Sound the alarm and the help will come.
Beth
I think Spes has the best idea. Take temporary custody, the school year is almost over.
Your granddaughters seems to be doing so well there in Delaware, you and the other grandma (along with the proper authorities) could find a place for them to live to finish their education where they are thriving.
Dad could have supervised visitation not until he can come sober to see his children.
I know there are other details.
But thank you for being there for your beautiful and bright granddaughters.
My father was an abusive alcoholic, I wish my grandma had saved me.
There are people at the school and in social services who are there just to handle this kind of case.
You grandmas will have to sound the alarm though. Sound the alarm and the help will come.
Beth
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Not to make things more confusing, but I believe in my state alcohol abuse (no matter how severe) is not grounds for removing children from the home as long as they are not being physically abused or grossly neglected. Very sad but true. Reporting him to CPS would do no good whatsoever.
Staying in very close contact with the girls and providing a safe place for them to talk things out is perhaps the best you can do. Let them know they can always call you if they are feeling unsafe and/or discuss other safety planning with them. I'm sure they have other friends or neighbors (closer by) that could assist in an 'emergency'. Make sure they have easy access to the necessary phone numbers and know who to call if things get the least bit uncomfortable. Perhaps enlist the help of these friends and neighbors by telling them of the situation and asking for their assistance if needed. (I know you don't want to 'air their dirty laundry' but we don't protect alcoholics from their choices and the children's safety MUST come first.)
See if Alateen is available in their area as well and encourage them to attend meetings.
By the way, being a super-achiever like your oldest grand-daughter, is very typical behavior for the child of an alcoholic. It's a coping skill... "If I make straight A's and get 1st chair in orchestra, maybe dad will be nicer." It's a lot of pressure.
Staying in very close contact with the girls and providing a safe place for them to talk things out is perhaps the best you can do. Let them know they can always call you if they are feeling unsafe and/or discuss other safety planning with them. I'm sure they have other friends or neighbors (closer by) that could assist in an 'emergency'. Make sure they have easy access to the necessary phone numbers and know who to call if things get the least bit uncomfortable. Perhaps enlist the help of these friends and neighbors by telling them of the situation and asking for their assistance if needed. (I know you don't want to 'air their dirty laundry' but we don't protect alcoholics from their choices and the children's safety MUST come first.)
See if Alateen is available in their area as well and encourage them to attend meetings.
By the way, being a super-achiever like your oldest grand-daughter, is very typical behavior for the child of an alcoholic. It's a coping skill... "If I make straight A's and get 1st chair in orchestra, maybe dad will be nicer." It's a lot of pressure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 18
After a long, restless and sleepless night I find....Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...you have reached your (unexpected) verdict!
When I first posted my question...'how can I help my Son'...it never occured to me that my priority should have been... how to help our granddaughters. My assumption was that treating the alcoholic was the only route to go.
I will read and re-read every response and pass on to Grandma #1.
Thank you, all...for sharing your experience and suggestions. I'm relieved to have found this forum and will continue to stay 'on board' to learn more.
~ Joyce
When I first posted my question...'how can I help my Son'...it never occured to me that my priority should have been... how to help our granddaughters. My assumption was that treating the alcoholic was the only route to go.
I will read and re-read every response and pass on to Grandma #1.
Thank you, all...for sharing your experience and suggestions. I'm relieved to have found this forum and will continue to stay 'on board' to learn more.
~ Joyce
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
When I first posted my question...'how can I help my Son'...it never occured to me that my priority should have been... how to help our granddaughters. My assumption was that treating the alcoholic was the only route to go.
I hear you, it's amazing how the A gets all the attention , we forget about ourselves, our children, our responsibilities because we become so consumed with the plight of the person causing all the problems. This is an eyeopener for all of us I think.
We are here for you all !
I hear you, it's amazing how the A gets all the attention , we forget about ourselves, our children, our responsibilities because we become so consumed with the plight of the person causing all the problems. This is an eyeopener for all of us I think.
We are here for you all !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi PA Grandmother,
I am so sorry to hear that you are facing these terrible problems while battling your own health issues.
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. I survived my childhood but remain horribly scarred. The children definately need to be your first priority but I am also a very succesful business owner and have some ideas for you to consider.
I have had many corporations and have some knowledge on partnerships as well as complicated family relationships in business.
Alcoholism is progressive and your son will have more and more difficulty functioning well enough to successfully continue the company if he continues to drink. As a business partner as well as grandparents to children in jeopardy you have a RIGHT to insist on upon a partner who is fully functioning in business and in the lives of your grandchildren.
I think an intervention may be something to consider ... they are not always successful in getting the alcoholic to remain sober but this is true statistically with or without an intervention.
Corporations insist upon treatment all the time or people get terminated if they refuse. Normally the corporation doesn't consider the family or children but you can include a plan for the grandchildren in the recovery plan.
I don't know your corporate structure or what percentages each of you control or what challenges may be presented to the company in the interim of treatment. However, there are professionals who deal with these sorts of things in the business world although they are expensive. Additionally if he is a key player in the corporate management day to day operations it may be difficult to do without planning.
These are just ideas to consider. Please do find an addictions counselor that you can talk to to help you best plan how to address the dual problems you face.
My prayers are with you... wish I had grandparents who had rescued my siblings and I... my life may have been very, very different. My grandparents died young... God bless you for looking out for your grandbabies and your son.
I am so sorry to hear that you are facing these terrible problems while battling your own health issues.
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. I survived my childhood but remain horribly scarred. The children definately need to be your first priority but I am also a very succesful business owner and have some ideas for you to consider.
I have had many corporations and have some knowledge on partnerships as well as complicated family relationships in business.
Alcoholism is progressive and your son will have more and more difficulty functioning well enough to successfully continue the company if he continues to drink. As a business partner as well as grandparents to children in jeopardy you have a RIGHT to insist on upon a partner who is fully functioning in business and in the lives of your grandchildren.
I think an intervention may be something to consider ... they are not always successful in getting the alcoholic to remain sober but this is true statistically with or without an intervention.
Corporations insist upon treatment all the time or people get terminated if they refuse. Normally the corporation doesn't consider the family or children but you can include a plan for the grandchildren in the recovery plan.
I don't know your corporate structure or what percentages each of you control or what challenges may be presented to the company in the interim of treatment. However, there are professionals who deal with these sorts of things in the business world although they are expensive. Additionally if he is a key player in the corporate management day to day operations it may be difficult to do without planning.
These are just ideas to consider. Please do find an addictions counselor that you can talk to to help you best plan how to address the dual problems you face.
My prayers are with you... wish I had grandparents who had rescued my siblings and I... my life may have been very, very different. My grandparents died young... God bless you for looking out for your grandbabies and your son.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am concerned about the gun comment.
I would get together with the other grammie, and really take this seriously.
He sounds depressed, as well as Alcoholic. Putting a 16 year old out on the freeway is dangerous, and certainly grounds for some kind of child protective services.
I know you feel helpless, and I commend you for keeping your eyes open, for not falling into denial about your own son.
Can you speak to the older grand daughter? Ask her more about what goes on?
Ask if she wants help out of the mess?
Please keep posting and coming back.
I would get together with the other grammie, and really take this seriously.
He sounds depressed, as well as Alcoholic. Putting a 16 year old out on the freeway is dangerous, and certainly grounds for some kind of child protective services.
I know you feel helpless, and I commend you for keeping your eyes open, for not falling into denial about your own son.
Can you speak to the older grand daughter? Ask her more about what goes on?
Ask if she wants help out of the mess?
Please keep posting and coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Please talk to protective services and an addictions counselor before involving the children in any way... the children will be emotionally damaged and emeshed with their A dad... my goodness... they definately need counseling after losing their mom and dealing with dad and his A craziness!
Alcoholics manipulate their children... do not put them in the middle in any way! I know this very well from many years of abuse from my own A parent.
A court order is best... seperation is the ultimate intervention. Inappropriate behavior is inappropriate! Putting kids out on freeways and talking about guns while drunk is unacceptable!
# 1: protect kids physically and emotionally and hopefully keep as much that is good and familiar in place as the addiction is addressed.
Alcoholics manipulate their children... do not put them in the middle in any way! I know this very well from many years of abuse from my own A parent.
A court order is best... seperation is the ultimate intervention. Inappropriate behavior is inappropriate! Putting kids out on freeways and talking about guns while drunk is unacceptable!
# 1: protect kids physically and emotionally and hopefully keep as much that is good and familiar in place as the addiction is addressed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you get good professional advice--a family counselor who specializes in addiction, legal advice, etc--you will feel stronger in whatever actions you decide to take. It will take some effort, but as the elder, that is part of your path. To help the young ones.
The oldest daughter will go to college before too long, but the youngest....things cannot remain status quo for her. If you get good counsel, you will find a solution.
And don't forget yourself in all this. You suffer as well, being the mother of an alcoholic, and I hope that as you seek help for your granddaughters, that you are helped as well. It is a family disease, everyone hurts. But with help, we can come to some peace and some acceptance, and the release of any shame we might feel. Most of us in recovery would say, I think, that we received unexpected blessings as we recovered. I think that can be true for you, as well.
The oldest daughter will go to college before too long, but the youngest....things cannot remain status quo for her. If you get good counsel, you will find a solution.
And don't forget yourself in all this. You suffer as well, being the mother of an alcoholic, and I hope that as you seek help for your granddaughters, that you are helped as well. It is a family disease, everyone hurts. But with help, we can come to some peace and some acceptance, and the release of any shame we might feel. Most of us in recovery would say, I think, that we received unexpected blessings as we recovered. I think that can be true for you, as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 18
Thank you all for your help. Forgive me for not mentioning each of you individually.
Grandma #1 and I have been constantly e-mailing each other. I pasted your link and she has read your posts.
About the gun situation. G#1 told me on the phone during our very first conversation about the highway...but the 'gun' was new for me until yesterday. I asked her for an explanation and received this reply last evening....
"A few weeks ago Sarah had called me and said that her dad was in bad shape. This was right before the concert I went to. She said he put a gun to his head. I went to the concert and he was out of control and Chrissy was in tears. I called him out after the concert and when we got back, I sat with him and tried to help him. He said the gun was just a scare tactic. I tell you - I was scared."
We are both overwhelmed...but we WILL do something, and I'll keep you informed when we make any progress..
Hopeworks...on the business topic.
My husband and I still have control of the finances...BUT we take no salary. Just on board to keep things afloat. Whatever is earned is his to keep. The formal will is not completed, unfortunately the chemo has taken precedence, and that was left as a draft. We must....
Grandma #1 and I have been constantly e-mailing each other. I pasted your link and she has read your posts.
About the gun situation. G#1 told me on the phone during our very first conversation about the highway...but the 'gun' was new for me until yesterday. I asked her for an explanation and received this reply last evening....
"A few weeks ago Sarah had called me and said that her dad was in bad shape. This was right before the concert I went to. She said he put a gun to his head. I went to the concert and he was out of control and Chrissy was in tears. I called him out after the concert and when we got back, I sat with him and tried to help him. He said the gun was just a scare tactic. I tell you - I was scared."
We are both overwhelmed...but we WILL do something, and I'll keep you informed when we make any progress..
Hopeworks...on the business topic.
My husband and I still have control of the finances...BUT we take no salary. Just on board to keep things afloat. Whatever is earned is his to keep. The formal will is not completed, unfortunately the chemo has taken precedence, and that was left as a draft. We must....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by PAgrandma
We are both overwhelmed...but we WILL do something, ...
You and the other caring grandmother are doing the right thing by protecting both the physycal and emotional safety of your grandchildren. As the elders in any family; it is our obligation to our grandchildren that they are safe because, for the most part, they don't have the ability to do it themselves.
Both of you are awesome !!!!!!
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