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I'm leaving for a month

Old 05-25-2012, 06:48 AM
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I'm leaving for a month

Well, it's not until July. I'm planning on going to FL to be near my grandmother and my son can train for his tennis with an old coach in Delray Beach. He'll also get to play in a HUGE tournament that happens there every summer and he's been begging me since last year if he can enter it this year anyway. It's going to cost a LOT of money since my grandmother sold her second car and since I will not stay with her this time. She needs heart surgery and I'm hoping that I will be there afterwards so I can help my 89 year old grandfather around. My uncle, who has a growth disorder and developmental problems, also lives with them. If we were to stay with them, I feel that it will be too much for her because she loves to DO stuff with us and cater to us, etc.

Anyway, I kept feeling this pull to get away. Every time AH drives on his suspended license or makes comments about it I get enraged. He says he doesn't care about his son's emotions anymore. He really doesn't seem to care about what kind of example he's setting, just like he was when the drinking was getting out of control. Well, he wanted to do what he wanted to do and screw the consequences. So, I'm going to FL and I say 'screw the consequences!'

It's funny. Last night my AH and I had dinner together, although we barely spoke but he did bring up the FL thing. He made a comment about wanting to go back to MD to visit with his mom in August because his brother and sister are dropping the ball(his dad just died a few weeks ago). Then, he says, "Well, we have to see how much YOUR summer travel is going to cost us. I might not spend the money to go." At that point, I nearly blew a gasket right there at the table. Ummm, Mr. DUI is making comments about me spending thousands on summer travel??? How about saying this, "I probably shouldn't go visit my mom this summer since my DUI cost us 8 grand already. Maybe I should find a new customer at work so I can make that income back so that I can go visit my mom?"

It's like I sometimes get the feeling that he doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he got the DUI. I have decided that I'm going to tell him that I'm not just going to FL for grandmother and for tennis. I am going because I need a break from his insanity. I'm considering asking him to get help while I'm gone: counseling, AA, whatever so that I at least know he's not sitting around doing nothing while I'm gone. When I come back, I will assess how I feel and how he is and then make some decisions about whether a separation is in order or whether I can live with the choices he's making.
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Old 05-25-2012, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I'm considering asking him to get help while I'm gone: counseling, AA, whatever so that I at least know he's not sitting around doing nothing while I'm gone. When I come back, I will assess how I feel and how he is and then make some decisions about whether a separation is in order or whether I can live with the choices he's making.
It's great that you're taking a break. It does sound a little bit like you are taking a break from caretaking a drunk to caretaking others, though. I hope you use the time you have to really take care of yourself and find the time to look inside, as well.

As far as setting rules for him to follow while you are away, consider this. Every time I set up conditions for my AH to meet in order for me to stay, he met them. Stop drinking, go to counseling, etc, etc. My guess is, he knows what he needs to to, he's just choosing not to. If you set up conditions for him to meet, he will likely meet them, but the outcome won't be what you are wanting. A's are really good at going through the motions, and then saying "hey, I did everything you wanted, what's the problem?"

If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. That's the bottom line. You can't control it. Your mental energy is much better spent figuring out what you want and deciding if this is it.

L
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
It's great that you're taking a break. It does sound a little bit like you are taking a break from caretaking a drunk to caretaking others, though. I hope you use the time you have to really take care of yourself and find the time to look inside, as well.

As far as setting rules for him to follow while you are away, consider this. Every time I set up conditions for my AH to meet in order for me to stay, he met them. Stop drinking, go to counseling, etc, etc. My guess is, he knows what he needs to to, he's just choosing not to. If you set up conditions for him to meet, he will likely meet them, but the outcome won't be what you are wanting. A's are really good at going through the motions, and then saying "hey, I did everything you wanted, what's the problem?"

If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. That's the bottom line. You can't control it. Your mental energy is much better spent figuring out what you want and deciding if this is it.

L
Good points, thank you. Well, I don't think I'll actually be caretaking in FL as much as I think. My uncle can drive my grandfather around but if my grandmother has surgery I can shuttle people back and forth the hospital or I can just keep her company. My grandmother doesn't like help anyway, I think she'll just enjoy us visiting. I just can't stay with them because she'll try to serve us and spoil my kid rotten with soda and crappy food, LOL!

I do understand what you're saying about whether he wants to change. Should I just tell him to think about what he wants for his family or give him some points or just not even bother? And, you're right. He's even said to me, "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." I said, "It's not about what I want you to do, that's not going to solve anything because it's not a damn checklist." He just doesn't see it and I'm getting tired of wasting my mental energy on him because it's pretty obvious he doesn't spend any mental energy on me.
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He's even said to me, "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." I said, "It's not about what I want you to do, that's not going to solve anything because it's not a damn checklist." He just doesn't see it and I'm getting tired of wasting my mental energy on him because it's pretty obvious he doesn't spend any mental energy on me.
I can't tell you how many times those exact same words came out of my AH's mouth. Finally, I said to him do whatever you want and I will do what I need to do. I hope you can get to that point soon. It's such a relief!

L
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
It's like I sometimes get the feeling that he doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he got the DUI.
Yeah I've discovered that if I wait for my AH to acknowledge the affect his alcoholism has had or is having, I'm in for a long wait.

It's been very freeing to me to just drop it and do what I need/want to do for myself.
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:59 AM
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Once I figured it out it didn't matter whether they got it or not.

The journey to that point was not easy, but it's a lovely point to reach.

It was like reaching the summit of a mountain (that somehow I didn't know I was climbing) and overlooking a new beautiful world. Had I known what I had been climbing towards I would have ran to get to it.
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
liz, how about....YOU go to FL and do your thing, enjoy your time, your family and watching your amazing son and let things play out with the AH AS THEY WILL. no expectations, no to do lists, no "you shoulds" ??

he's not hearing you. because he's intentionally turned the "hearing aid" off. all of his actions to date are VERY telling, aren't they? whatever his trip is, it's all happening inside his own very tiny universe.

you deserve a break. we all do. so TAKE IT. wanna get away? LOL go nurture your soul, hon. heck why wait til July?
I have to wait until July because my son has 2 tournaments this month(both of which we're traveling to and will be gone for 3-5 nights easily) that he MUST play for his ranking points so he can get into the July tournament in FL. Also, we have some very important DR appointments this month with a neuropsychologist for our son and I want to make sure I keep working on his educational assessment in case I have to put him in school in the future.

I love the 'hearing aid' thing above! What I'm gathering from his actions and attitudes is that he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the family, he is a good dad when he needs to be with our son and spends time with him, but when it comes to his driving or his attitude about people and life, it's pretty obvious that he puts his precious self first. Forget about thinking about the family, we come second when he wants to do what he wants to do. And, that is where I'm finally waking up and seeing that we'll always be second. His desire to be a good dad and spend time with his son is, to me, selfish because I see it as him trying to make up for his DUI or something.
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
my god woman, is that you in your avatar?
Yes. I cut him out of the picture, LOL!
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Old 05-25-2012, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Yes. I cut him out of the picture, LOL!
OH, and that night I totally got hit on by a Greek guy who was the manager of a plantation where we all went to dinner. My AH didn't notice but all the other wives did and told AH about it afterwards. The guy was always behind my chair, he'd follow me when I went to the restroom and made small talk with me, he got my drink first before the other ladies, etc. Gosh, that was a fun night, LOL. All the ladies were gabbing about it in the van ride home and my AH was all proud of his prize wife catch.
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:43 PM
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Ha cut him out of the picture...gee if that is telling of the future
Cut his negative selfish toxic BS out of you and your sons life.
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:16 AM
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Enjoy! Sounds like great summer plans to me.

And Liza, alcoholism creates and feeds on selfishness. If you can understand (or at least except that concept) it helps with the behavior that to you is just plain old nutty. It took me a long time to change my perspective, and I still struggle with the WTF moments, but its a lot easier now.
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