Loopydays

Today I had a real light bulb moment! Tomorrrow night is my al anon meeting- and the topic is Relationships, so I have been mulling the idea in my head all week- and came up with the fact that one of my most important relationships is the one I have had with alcohol. My father, mother and brother were/are alcoholics- I grew up in a pub, and then my younger brother died from a brain haemmorage caused by a fall during a major bingeing session- so I knew alcohol always played a large part of my life- I have also been married to an alcoholic for 23 years( who is currently dry for 40 days)
So then today we had our first marriage counselling session- which was enlightening as I finally realised in what deluded state alcoholics live in- his views of our lives is so so different- as the session progressed it occured to me that our marraige has never been healthy.So now I need to look at why did I stay in this relationship so long- was it the man or the alcoholic that I needed- at least I have realised that my relationship with alcoholism has been the most important relationship in my life- so now will need to have a thorougg look at myself-
I have been doing the 12 steps on my own- and think that it is time now to do Step 4- i needto do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself before I can make any more decisions of where or lives and 'relationship' is going. I am grateful for my higher power, which has given me the courage to come this far.
Any help would be appreciated

chronsweet

Loopydays -- good for you for assessing your life, needs and wants. It is never too late to make a change. My ABF has a non-A brother. The non-A brother has a g/f with a grandma (confusing ey? LOL) who is 80 years old and had an intervention at 75 and is now in regular attendance and received 5 years clean at AA just recently. So, it is never to late for some people.

In my situation I am only 37 and my ABF is 32 going on 33. I am not willing to go thru 40 years for a realization to occur ... I think I'd be dead from stress by then. I am only working on Step 1 and am coming to a strong realization that I am POWERLESS over alcohol. I am reading a book called the Dance with Anger and it is really good, it helps to re-direct our anger to make positive outcomes and not continue in an anger-dance where there are no winners.

Good luck to you towards your next step. Progression not perfection, right?

Carol Star

I grew up in an alcoholic home, I had my issues but am sober, married an alcoholic. I have been working on codependency- reading the book right now. I NEVER LEARNED BOUNDARIES. It is huge. I learned them in Alanon- saved my life.

MsPINKAcres

((Loopydays))

Congrats to you for your growth & self-discovery ~ it's a wonderful journey

To be honest ~ for me when I finished working thru the 12 steps the first time, it was amazing how much my life and I had changed ~ they are such a great guide for healing and learning to make our lives better - regardless of what others may do!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

NewbieJ

Hi Loopydays. This is a great topic and very familiar to my own situation, and I have been asking myself that very question.

I start with some of these questions in the process:

- What are my *true* feelings during times of conflict?
- How have I reacted when he has tried to leave or threatened divorce during an argument?
- What was I feeling when I reacted that way?
- What are my true motivations when smoothing over conflicts?
- In general, how does this person make me feel?
- How did I feel during times of abuse/neglect/mistreatment or other unhealthy behaviors?
- What is my inner script? What are the thoughts I have about myself?

I hesitate to give you my own answers because everyone needs to think about their own.

wicked

Wow, NewbieJ,

I know everyone will have their own answers, but this just popped into my head.

The answers are all about: Don't leave me. I'm scared, don't leave me.

Abandonment. Sigh....obviously still need some ACOA work.



Beth