I just can't believe I did it again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I just can't believe I did it again
I found this site last summer when my AX abandoned me and my kids out of the blue. He was dry but not sober, and only dry because he literally had no money to buy alcohol. After two months apart, I got back together with him. And it ended again last month when he drank at a wedding we were at after I'd made it clear that if he drank again, he had to move out. His drinking had gotten completely out of hand and life with him was insane.
Last summer, when he took off, he told me that he couldn't be with me because I still had some of the same things he didn't like about me 20 years ago (we'd dated in college). When we got back together, I offered to go to couples counseling with him to resolve anything he wanted to work on. He thought that was a good idea for strengthening our relationship. Of course, we never went because he was relapsing all over the place and it wasn't a priority. However, he bought a diamond ring and proposed to me and we told all our friends and family and were planning to get married this fall.
So during our final round of emails this week, he told me again that the reason he doesn't want to try to work things out because...I still have some of the same things he didn't like about me 20 years ago.
I am just furious with myself for getting back together with him, and furious with him for his lame excuse AGAIN. The same one, in fact. If he had such a problem with me, why on earth did get back together with me, move in with me, and he ask me to marry him? And...why does he STILL want to keep in touch and tell me he doesn't want to lose me from his life completely?
I already know the answer. He's a drunk. But I need some reinforcement from y'all, lol!
I feel like he has essentially said I am too defective to be with. What a lousy feeling.
Last summer, when he took off, he told me that he couldn't be with me because I still had some of the same things he didn't like about me 20 years ago (we'd dated in college). When we got back together, I offered to go to couples counseling with him to resolve anything he wanted to work on. He thought that was a good idea for strengthening our relationship. Of course, we never went because he was relapsing all over the place and it wasn't a priority. However, he bought a diamond ring and proposed to me and we told all our friends and family and were planning to get married this fall.
So during our final round of emails this week, he told me again that the reason he doesn't want to try to work things out because...I still have some of the same things he didn't like about me 20 years ago.
I am just furious with myself for getting back together with him, and furious with him for his lame excuse AGAIN. The same one, in fact. If he had such a problem with me, why on earth did get back together with me, move in with me, and he ask me to marry him? And...why does he STILL want to keep in touch and tell me he doesn't want to lose me from his life completely?
I already know the answer. He's a drunk. But I need some reinforcement from y'all, lol!
I feel like he has essentially said I am too defective to be with. What a lousy feeling.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
Stop beating yourself up. We all know that addicts are master manipulators and liars. This is no secret. The only way to stop being taken in is to cut off all contact. You will do that when you are ready and not one day before. When the pain of staying on the same path becomes worse than the fear of embarking on a new one, you will know. Until then, you are, hopefully, learning lessons.
You'll get there, but not until you are truly ready.
You'll get there, but not until you are truly ready.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why do you still have contact with this jerk? He is not only an alcoholic, but, a cheater too.
If you continue to base your self worth on a mans opinion of you, you will never find true happiness and contentment in your life. Who cares what his alcoholic warped mind thinks?
Let him go, no contact, work on rebuilding your self esteem, this guy is a must miss. You deserve so much more out of life, go for it, leave him in your dust.
If you continue to base your self worth on a mans opinion of you, you will never find true happiness and contentment in your life. Who cares what his alcoholic warped mind thinks?
Let him go, no contact, work on rebuilding your self esteem, this guy is a must miss. You deserve so much more out of life, go for it, leave him in your dust.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hi ChangesChoices,
I am no stranger to being manipulated and treated very poorly by a man I was in love with. I am currently single and upset with myself for letting so many terrible things happen to me. I am upset for the series of horrible relationships I have been through.
Forgiveness is the key. I am working on forgiving myself and letting to of the past. It is not fair that I am so forgiving of the people who hurt me but I show myself very little mercy.
I am sorry you have been through so much with this man. Now is the time to heal and let go.
Love,
Lily
I am no stranger to being manipulated and treated very poorly by a man I was in love with. I am currently single and upset with myself for letting so many terrible things happen to me. I am upset for the series of horrible relationships I have been through.
Forgiveness is the key. I am working on forgiving myself and letting to of the past. It is not fair that I am so forgiving of the people who hurt me but I show myself very little mercy.
I am sorry you have been through so much with this man. Now is the time to heal and let go.
Love,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
At this point, I am just really angry at myself. It's like I didn't learn the first time around! I think about how much farther along I could've been by now if I hadn't gotten back together with him, and I am furious with myself. It's not so much about him as it is about me and the stupid mistakes I've made, allowing myself to be treated this way yet again by this idiot.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"At this point, I am just really angry at myself. It's like I didn't learn the first time around!"
You probably didn't, I didn't, I am not a stupid person, yet I can do stupid things. Sometimes being angry at myself is just what I need to turn the corner and move on.
Go no contact, turn the corner to walk down a new street without him and don't look back.
You probably didn't, I didn't, I am not a stupid person, yet I can do stupid things. Sometimes being angry at myself is just what I need to turn the corner and move on.
Go no contact, turn the corner to walk down a new street without him and don't look back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
I can totally relate to this. After being constantly told about all of my faults and things I needed to change, I left XAH about three months ago. I really thought that would be a wake up call for him to realize everything he was losing and change his ways (I was pretty naive in regards to alcoholism until very recently) since mine also desperately wanted me to be a part of his life and loved me so much, etc... but really needed ME to to change.
Anyhow, fast forward to now. I must have been having a codie moment, as after I went to the house we previously shared to get the remainder of my belongings (things I didnt NEED but now that the divorce was filed, etc wanted to get EVERYTHING of mine out and be done) I saw how much of a wreck the house was. There were empties everywhere, a martini shaker, empty but reeking of vodka was on the washer, the beautiful home we used to share was in shambles. Anyhow, I started thinking back to a year ago today when we were getting married and he was in recovery and such a better person then. So, I sent him a quick email just reminding him that it might be too late for us, but that it wasn't too late for him to be that person again who seemed much happier, healthy, honest, etc. He wrote me back and thanked me for my kind words and said that it made him think, but OF COURSE blame shifted me saying that he "doesn't really know what happened to send him down this terrible path but he just wasn't getting what he needed from me and couldn't be in a relationship where he was the only one who was willing to change (he wasn't), blah blah blah..." The "old me" would have fired back, but I just let it go.
Do NOT blame yourself... It seems they ALL do this. He will use ANYTHING he can against you to justify his drinking. It is NOT your fault.
And I do agree with ALL above that NC is the best way if you can. It was the total codie in me that sent that email. The good news is that I have now learned to not let it ruffle me and that I'm not dealing with a sane individual.
Anyhow, fast forward to now. I must have been having a codie moment, as after I went to the house we previously shared to get the remainder of my belongings (things I didnt NEED but now that the divorce was filed, etc wanted to get EVERYTHING of mine out and be done) I saw how much of a wreck the house was. There were empties everywhere, a martini shaker, empty but reeking of vodka was on the washer, the beautiful home we used to share was in shambles. Anyhow, I started thinking back to a year ago today when we were getting married and he was in recovery and such a better person then. So, I sent him a quick email just reminding him that it might be too late for us, but that it wasn't too late for him to be that person again who seemed much happier, healthy, honest, etc. He wrote me back and thanked me for my kind words and said that it made him think, but OF COURSE blame shifted me saying that he "doesn't really know what happened to send him down this terrible path but he just wasn't getting what he needed from me and couldn't be in a relationship where he was the only one who was willing to change (he wasn't), blah blah blah..." The "old me" would have fired back, but I just let it go.
Do NOT blame yourself... It seems they ALL do this. He will use ANYTHING he can against you to justify his drinking. It is NOT your fault.
And I do agree with ALL above that NC is the best way if you can. It was the total codie in me that sent that email. The good news is that I have now learned to not let it ruffle me and that I'm not dealing with a sane individual.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Forget what he says.......look at his actions.....he is trying to put the attention on you because he is in denial about his own shortcomings.....denial...d..e..n..i..a..l........ Don't even no (know) I am lying ! Today is a new day. I got better when I just focused on my recovery........saw the relationship how it really was/ not how I wanted it. Watch his actions......forget what he says.......they lie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Thanks, all. 
I had a moment of clarity like a bolt from the blue this morning. I realized that everything he's saying about me is most likely what he's thinking about himself, but stuffing down with denial and putting it on me instead. I just mentally substituted him for me in his words and this is the result of what I imagine him saying to me if he wasn't in denial:
"There are things about ME that haven't changed in 20 years. They were there before I even became an alcoholic, and they're still in ME 20 years later. It's just too painful for me to try to work on and get over these things in MYSELF."
The reality is that, 20 years later, he's in his 40s and working a very low-wage job, living with his family again and doesn't have his own place, doesn't own a single piece of furniture, has never owned a home, never been married, and has no children. I was married for 15 years, have been a homeowner for 12 years, have a good career, and have my own family, my two wonderful children. A lot has happened in 20 years, at least in my life!
I had a moment of clarity like a bolt from the blue this morning. I realized that everything he's saying about me is most likely what he's thinking about himself, but stuffing down with denial and putting it on me instead. I just mentally substituted him for me in his words and this is the result of what I imagine him saying to me if he wasn't in denial:
"There are things about ME that haven't changed in 20 years. They were there before I even became an alcoholic, and they're still in ME 20 years later. It's just too painful for me to try to work on and get over these things in MYSELF."
The reality is that, 20 years later, he's in his 40s and working a very low-wage job, living with his family again and doesn't have his own place, doesn't own a single piece of furniture, has never owned a home, never been married, and has no children. I was married for 15 years, have been a homeowner for 12 years, have a good career, and have my own family, my two wonderful children. A lot has happened in 20 years, at least in my life!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
And...why does he STILL want to keep in touch and tell me he doesn't want to lose me from his life completely?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"The reality is that, 20 years later, he's in his 40s and working a very low-wage job, living with his family again and doesn't have his own place, doesn't own a single piece of furniture, has never owned a home."
These are red flags, pay attention to them in the future.
Please don't spend anymore time trying to figure the whys and wherefors, just go no contact and forget about him. You've wasted enoght time on him, concentrate on you.
These are red flags, pay attention to them in the future.
Please don't spend anymore time trying to figure the whys and wherefors, just go no contact and forget about him. You've wasted enoght time on him, concentrate on you.
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