when will I learn?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by m1k3 
I don't know why but my DOC is my AW. Simple fact. The only way to get myself off of my DOC is to go cold turkey (no contact). We have been separated for a year now and I think we are getting to the final stages of the divorce.
Believe it or not, even though I have a strong recovery and loved my last year with no AW I am still having some anxiety over the divorce, simply because then it will really be over. 90% of me is thrilled and 10% says "Noooooooo, don't do it".
So, it's something all us codies go through. I really had to watch myself during the alimony "discussions" not to just say OK to anything she wanted because that's the way it always used to work.
Oh yeah, do you know the difference between a codie and a pit bull?
The pit bull knows when to let go.
Your friend,
Believe it or not, even though I have a strong recovery and loved my last year with no AW I am still having some anxiety over the divorce, simply because then it will really be over. 90% of me is thrilled and 10% says "Noooooooo, don't do it".
So, it's something all us codies go through. I really had to watch myself during the alimony "discussions" not to just say OK to anything she wanted because that's the way it always used to work.
Oh yeah, do you know the difference between a codie and a pit bull?
The pit bull knows when to let go.
Your friend,
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
The lease is up in August!? You only have 2 months and a bit to go Transform. keep your eye on the target. Two more months of this. This is sounding positive. Hopefully you can get the money for the divorce filing very shortly and look forward to living separate and apart after August. Honestly Transform, anywhere will be better than where you are now. Even if it is a pit stop before you really get settled. One step at a time.
Always consider the source from where you are receiving information. (Re: Husband)
Always consider the source from where you are receiving information. (Re: Husband)
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
an amazing thing is happening
I"m in a meeting with four other women and one of them is going through the exact same thing as me-except she believes everything her H says and is working harder to fix the marriage
I'm sharing all of your wisdom with them; it's blowing their minds.
We are NOT alone
I'm sharing all of your wisdom with them; it's blowing their minds.
We are NOT alone
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"Love is calling" ~ YOUR love is calling my friend ~ love of self, love for dignity, self-respect, serenity, happiness, peace, harmony, laughter, joy, hope ~ seek it for yourself and allow those that hinder it to walk away from your path in life ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I guess I'm better, although confused
I picked up AH at work, he held open doors, was very pushy about being in my space.
He asked me why I was so angry with him yesterday.
That makes no sense. None. Then he told me he was being completely transparent and an "open book," and I didn't have anything to worry about.
No, really. He really did.
Now he's out drinking in the garage. I think I'll make dinner, do laundry and hang with my kids.
He asked me why I was so angry with him yesterday.
That makes no sense. None. Then he told me he was being completely transparent and an "open book," and I didn't have anything to worry about.
No, really. He really did.
Now he's out drinking in the garage. I think I'll make dinner, do laundry and hang with my kids.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi transormyself, I'm sorry you have been having such a rough time lately! 
The following is just my hypothesis....you know, an explanation that fits the data. It may or may not apply in your situation. It's just an idea that occurred to me.
Recently you said that you were afraid of 'making it on your own', that you had never stood on your own two feet and did not think you could. I can only imagine that it is overwhelming sometimes to think about being solely responsible for yourself and your children without the help of anyone else.
So here's the hypothesis part: maybe on some level you react so strongly and work yourself into such a state because it provides you with a reason why you can't do the hard work needed to strike out and survive long-term on your own.
We have faith in you, T! We know you can do this.
The following is just my hypothesis....you know, an explanation that fits the data. It may or may not apply in your situation. It's just an idea that occurred to me.
Recently you said that you were afraid of 'making it on your own', that you had never stood on your own two feet and did not think you could. I can only imagine that it is overwhelming sometimes to think about being solely responsible for yourself and your children without the help of anyone else.
So here's the hypothesis part: maybe on some level you react so strongly and work yourself into such a state because it provides you with a reason why you can't do the hard work needed to strike out and survive long-term on your own.
We have faith in you, T! We know you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
It's gotta be in the air or the stars or something.
My RASTBexH is flailing and flagging wildly, as well.
I put him out two months ago (again) and I knew what I knew. I had boundaries that were not respected. I was being verbally abused.
Then...
He states he is done with me, so mean and harsh and ridiculously self righteous and high horsey...I feel relief, then anger, then catch myself, then fall back...
Then I have enough. I have had enough. I say so. He hears it, seems scared, maybe annoyed that Im standing up for myself...he is apologetic, and kind, understanding, which is maddening. He clearly admits to being well aware of all the behaviors that I accuse him of, he claims he wants to change it...
I feel relief, then anger, then I catch myself...
Then, and heres the real clincher, he turns it around, and he has had it with me! That's right. He has decided that he is fed up with all this behavior from me.
I feel relief then anger, then I think about pursuing him so the dynamic is reversed, so I am the one leaving him, again.
And these days, I just dont care. The wheel has just kind of stopped at relief.
And now I just hope he keeps his plan to leave awful ol me so i can move the heck on and get off the ride.
Reality does not apply to these folks. They are dealing mostly in power plays, leverages and winning or losing.
It is exhausting to be around it, I cant imagine what its like for him, but...
I just want off the ride and if he needs me to be the bad guy, so what.
Thats how I feel today, mind you. And I am a strong woman, been very successful in life, dont put up with much guff from anyone else.
It can feel embarrassing to be so easily swayed by such an ill behaved person... All my buttons get pushed, I become someone I dont want to be.
My point ? You are not alone
My RASTBexH is flailing and flagging wildly, as well.
I put him out two months ago (again) and I knew what I knew. I had boundaries that were not respected. I was being verbally abused.
Then...
He states he is done with me, so mean and harsh and ridiculously self righteous and high horsey...I feel relief, then anger, then catch myself, then fall back...
Then I have enough. I have had enough. I say so. He hears it, seems scared, maybe annoyed that Im standing up for myself...he is apologetic, and kind, understanding, which is maddening. He clearly admits to being well aware of all the behaviors that I accuse him of, he claims he wants to change it...
I feel relief, then anger, then I catch myself...
Then, and heres the real clincher, he turns it around, and he has had it with me! That's right. He has decided that he is fed up with all this behavior from me.
I feel relief then anger, then I think about pursuing him so the dynamic is reversed, so I am the one leaving him, again.
And these days, I just dont care. The wheel has just kind of stopped at relief.
And now I just hope he keeps his plan to leave awful ol me so i can move the heck on and get off the ride.
Reality does not apply to these folks. They are dealing mostly in power plays, leverages and winning or losing.
It is exhausting to be around it, I cant imagine what its like for him, but...
I just want off the ride and if he needs me to be the bad guy, so what.
Thats how I feel today, mind you. And I am a strong woman, been very successful in life, dont put up with much guff from anyone else.
It can feel embarrassing to be so easily swayed by such an ill behaved person... All my buttons get pushed, I become someone I dont want to be.
My point ? You are not alone
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well I'm getting the kids in bed, handing with them laughing and snuggling (as much as you can with the 14 year old, he's pretty cuddly lately)
he's out drinking, coming in and out. We ignore him mainly.
Detachment is good for now. I'm hoping to get up right early and get to work. Had a bit of great news today about my business, things are looking up for me financially I think!
he's out drinking, coming in and out. We ignore him mainly.
Detachment is good for now. I'm hoping to get up right early and get to work. Had a bit of great news today about my business, things are looking up for me financially I think!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
what you said
Originally Posted by transformyself
Yes, emerging from the madness now I think. Stop focusing on AH and what he's saying and how it makes me feel and remember that I have a life and a backbone and can create the boundaries that will help me heal.
I slip into desperation, he gives me a little taste of love-crumbs really-and I go insane wanting more more more. I'm the addict here. I'm the one who needs treatment and support.
I slip into desperation, he gives me a little taste of love-crumbs really-and I go insane wanting more more more. I'm the addict here. I'm the one who needs treatment and support.
yep, you said it.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So much is so bizarre about this to me.
Apparently, I've taken off the aluminum foil hat and can see clearly again. I'm sure those episodes are just abandonment/PTSD triggers. No other possible explanation for my utter inability to see or think straight.
"Quacking is crack for codies" SO TRUE.
AH is on his best behavior, thinks we're reconciling and is in LOOOVVVE with me. Mainly, I'm sure, because I snapped out of my fetal position state and told him I'm moving out in August and we've got three months to decide who leaves and either go to mediation for divorce or just have it out.
I stopped crying and stood up straight and he's running scared.
Sick, sick sick..
Apparently, I've taken off the aluminum foil hat and can see clearly again. I'm sure those episodes are just abandonment/PTSD triggers. No other possible explanation for my utter inability to see or think straight.
"Quacking is crack for codies" SO TRUE.
AH is on his best behavior, thinks we're reconciling and is in LOOOVVVE with me. Mainly, I'm sure, because I snapped out of my fetal position state and told him I'm moving out in August and we've got three months to decide who leaves and either go to mediation for divorce or just have it out.
I stopped crying and stood up straight and he's running scared.
Sick, sick sick..
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
What on earth would give him the idea that you are reconciling?
You can chose mediation 'after' you file for divorce. Once the papers are filed, you can hammer out the details with a lawyer or you can go the way of mediation if you can't agree on issues. Why would there even be issues? Isn't child support automatic and based on net family income? I really hope you can get that $150.00 together really soon Transform. This back and forth with your husband has been going on for years and will continue to until you bite the bullet and get a divorce. I hate thinking that $150.00 is keeping you and your Sons in a constant state of chaos. Any chance your sisters can kick in the money?
You can chose mediation 'after' you file for divorce. Once the papers are filed, you can hammer out the details with a lawyer or you can go the way of mediation if you can't agree on issues. Why would there even be issues? Isn't child support automatic and based on net family income? I really hope you can get that $150.00 together really soon Transform. This back and forth with your husband has been going on for years and will continue to until you bite the bullet and get a divorce. I hate thinking that $150.00 is keeping you and your Sons in a constant state of chaos. Any chance your sisters can kick in the money?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I'm not bothering to understand why he thinks we're reconciling, he was drunk! It's just so bizarre.
GREAT NEWS: I had a meeting yesterday regarding a new campaign I"m starting and feel positive about being able to support myself. Thank the Heavens.
love to all
GREAT NEWS: I had a meeting yesterday regarding a new campaign I"m starting and feel positive about being able to support myself. Thank the Heavens.
love to all
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Its great to recognize when we are being triggered, so we can be more compassionate with ourselves.
I wish the best for you and your kids and hope you have a good weekend, regardless of what *others* do.
I wish the best for you and your kids and hope you have a good weekend, regardless of what *others* do.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
way to go T, bringing yourself back, finding your core of strength.
I have a need, it's almost cellular, to have a "good" relationship with my children's father, this need leaves me to overlooking all past experience thinking things will be different/better now (we are divorced, so my need now is for an amicable post-seperation parenting relationship).
I have no idea why, but this desire leads me to give a gazillion second chances that this time will be different when we have contact. Any crumbs of normal civil behaviour (such as acknowledging me in any way when I ring to say I'm outside to pick up the kids, rather than him simply putting the phone straght down on me, or I have one text where he does not call me a controlling, lying stealing wh*re/ c*nt/ f*ck/ b*tch/ sociopath/ psycopath) I take as a sign that he's now going to think and behave differently, I start to beleive that we've turned a corner, he will be civil now, the kids can have birthday parties with us both there, we will be able to discuss problems they are having at school....... and I'm off on a flight of fancy where he and I are some "ideal seperated amicable parents".
then I'm surprised and devastated when he reverts to type, often within minutes, and caught in a spiral of trying to work out why he thinks that, defend/justify myself explain why what he thinks I am doing is wrong.
The only way I can stop this happening, detach from it, is to limit all contact to the bare minimum (I was singularly unable to do it when we were living together: hats off to anyone who can).
I'm still caught out, but from a physical distance I find it much easier to objectively see the patterns, my emotional buttons have some "armour", to deflect any attempts at pushing them.
FYI, my ex also believes I am controlling, victimising and abusing him. This used to set me in a spin, am I abusive? am I controlling?, etc, etc. The fact is like all humans I have my moments of less than enlightened behaviour, but the stuff he refers to as "evidence" is either me setting boundaries, or a minor lapse (laughing when he repeatedly demanded that I pay for his expensive sunglasses that he claims his kids broke whilst in his care - not helpful, and I apolgised) and are met with out-of-proportion responses (in the above instance, threatening to put me in hospital and then opening negotiations be email on a visitation matter by saying I was lucky he didn't, it happens on the news alll the time and he doesn't understand why I think I'm bullet proof, but that if he did it would be because I was trying to push his buttons to make it happen to make him look bad.....)
anyway, I suspect this "need" for me, is boringly about how I felt when my parent's divorced, and a need for my divorce to be different have less impact on my children, but it is utter madness really.
I currentlky deal best with exAH when I am able to view him as someone who is mentally/emotionally sick/challenged (not necessarily by alcoholism) just someone whose tantrums and outbursts say more about his world view and mental state, than mine, like a tired toddler shouting that they hate you.
I have a need, it's almost cellular, to have a "good" relationship with my children's father, this need leaves me to overlooking all past experience thinking things will be different/better now (we are divorced, so my need now is for an amicable post-seperation parenting relationship).
I have no idea why, but this desire leads me to give a gazillion second chances that this time will be different when we have contact. Any crumbs of normal civil behaviour (such as acknowledging me in any way when I ring to say I'm outside to pick up the kids, rather than him simply putting the phone straght down on me, or I have one text where he does not call me a controlling, lying stealing wh*re/ c*nt/ f*ck/ b*tch/ sociopath/ psycopath) I take as a sign that he's now going to think and behave differently, I start to beleive that we've turned a corner, he will be civil now, the kids can have birthday parties with us both there, we will be able to discuss problems they are having at school....... and I'm off on a flight of fancy where he and I are some "ideal seperated amicable parents".
then I'm surprised and devastated when he reverts to type, often within minutes, and caught in a spiral of trying to work out why he thinks that, defend/justify myself explain why what he thinks I am doing is wrong.
The only way I can stop this happening, detach from it, is to limit all contact to the bare minimum (I was singularly unable to do it when we were living together: hats off to anyone who can).
I'm still caught out, but from a physical distance I find it much easier to objectively see the patterns, my emotional buttons have some "armour", to deflect any attempts at pushing them.
FYI, my ex also believes I am controlling, victimising and abusing him. This used to set me in a spin, am I abusive? am I controlling?, etc, etc. The fact is like all humans I have my moments of less than enlightened behaviour, but the stuff he refers to as "evidence" is either me setting boundaries, or a minor lapse (laughing when he repeatedly demanded that I pay for his expensive sunglasses that he claims his kids broke whilst in his care - not helpful, and I apolgised) and are met with out-of-proportion responses (in the above instance, threatening to put me in hospital and then opening negotiations be email on a visitation matter by saying I was lucky he didn't, it happens on the news alll the time and he doesn't understand why I think I'm bullet proof, but that if he did it would be because I was trying to push his buttons to make it happen to make him look bad.....)
anyway, I suspect this "need" for me, is boringly about how I felt when my parent's divorced, and a need for my divorce to be different have less impact on my children, but it is utter madness really.
I currentlky deal best with exAH when I am able to view him as someone who is mentally/emotionally sick/challenged (not necessarily by alcoholism) just someone whose tantrums and outbursts say more about his world view and mental state, than mine, like a tired toddler shouting that they hate you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
like a tired toddler shouting that they hate you.
But, I was supposed to be calm controlled mommy and ease his "boo-boos".
No more for me thank you.
Beth
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
His words have no meaning. He's manipulating you. You are allowing this to happen. Read those entire books. Focus on healing you. You will be okay. You are okay. You are so worthy of having a real relationship. Real men don't manipulate by being mean and then giving an empty apology: "so freaking mean to me yesterday and told me, "I think we should not embark on a relationship," after comforting me about this woman he was texting the day before, telling me he didn't need to talk to her and would tell her it was wrong to engage with her." Stop listening to his baloney. Start living a life for you. It starts one little step at a time.
He's still drinking and living in a delusional world of manipulation to make you crazy and it was working. Now that I re-read the whole thread, I think you are making good progress. I think I married this man once. All the stuff he's doing to you is to get the focus off of his own irrational behavior. And to lower your self-esteem. When you can, grab some boxes and start to put your things away. Not that you are moving, but because if it's out of sight, it will be out of his mind. Things that are not mutual property, so he doesn't create a problem in the future. I suggest you write a goodbye letter to this situation and tuck it away in a private place. Put your current fears and future goals in that letter. Save it for some time in the future and see how far you will have come by the time you read it again.
Abandonment started a long time before now, he hasn't been active in this relationship in a while. Your business will help you, you will help you, you are already running the home. You're gonna be okay without all of his abuse. You will learn how to breathe again. I wish you a wonderful and fulfilling life. I know you are going to make it through all of this.
Big Hugs,
He's still drinking and living in a delusional world of manipulation to make you crazy and it was working. Now that I re-read the whole thread, I think you are making good progress. I think I married this man once. All the stuff he's doing to you is to get the focus off of his own irrational behavior. And to lower your self-esteem. When you can, grab some boxes and start to put your things away. Not that you are moving, but because if it's out of sight, it will be out of his mind. Things that are not mutual property, so he doesn't create a problem in the future. I suggest you write a goodbye letter to this situation and tuck it away in a private place. Put your current fears and future goals in that letter. Save it for some time in the future and see how far you will have come by the time you read it again.
Abandonment started a long time before now, he hasn't been active in this relationship in a while. Your business will help you, you will help you, you are already running the home. You're gonna be okay without all of his abuse. You will learn how to breathe again. I wish you a wonderful and fulfilling life. I know you are going to make it through all of this.
Big Hugs,
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