Overwhelmed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 29
Overwhelmed
Hi,
I am not sure what to do or which way is up right now. I am 40 and have stage IV cancer since 2009. My AB and I have been together for five years. He took care of me through chemo and two surgeries. However, since October he has been in rehab twice. On the second go-round he checked himself out on day 4 and walked home. He has been an drinker for most of his life. Needless to say he helped himself to my Vicodin, atavan, etc. while I was just trying to survive. I hide these now. (I am stupid)
Last week the oncologist found a hotspot on my scan and I need surgery ASAP. I am so scared. I can't trust him to be there for me. He is making promises like crazy, but he could not make it to two very important events this Past weekend....too hungover. He is attempting detox at home this week saying he can do it himself.
I want to live and I can't fight for my life and deal with him. But it hurts.
Sorry this is so long. Thank you.....
I am not sure what to do or which way is up right now. I am 40 and have stage IV cancer since 2009. My AB and I have been together for five years. He took care of me through chemo and two surgeries. However, since October he has been in rehab twice. On the second go-round he checked himself out on day 4 and walked home. He has been an drinker for most of his life. Needless to say he helped himself to my Vicodin, atavan, etc. while I was just trying to survive. I hide these now. (I am stupid)
Last week the oncologist found a hotspot on my scan and I need surgery ASAP. I am so scared. I can't trust him to be there for me. He is making promises like crazy, but he could not make it to two very important events this Past weekend....too hungover. He is attempting detox at home this week saying he can do it himself.
I want to live and I can't fight for my life and deal with him. But it hurts.
Sorry this is so long. Thank you.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Now is a time to be ruthless. Lock him out. No discussion with him: it's what's happening. Get a friend to come over and box up his stuff today. Change the locks.
Can't pay rent on your own? Tell your oncologist, get contacts for the cancer aid societies out there. "My alcoholic boyfriend was stealing my medication so I kicked him out and now I need money to pay my rent." That's what those organisations are there for! All those people running 5Ks and whatever with their T-shirts and balloons? They're raising money for YOU to get you through THIS situation. So take it.
Don't allow yourself to believe he'll rise to the occasion.
Now is a time to be ruthless. Lock him out. No discussion with him: it's what's happening. Get a friend to come over and box up his stuff today. Change the locks.
Can't pay rent on your own? Tell your oncologist, get contacts for the cancer aid societies out there. "My alcoholic boyfriend was stealing my medication so I kicked him out and now I need money to pay my rent." That's what those organisations are there for! All those people running 5Ks and whatever with their T-shirts and balloons? They're raising money for YOU to get you through THIS situation. So take it.
Don't allow yourself to believe he'll rise to the occasion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Birdgurl I am so sorry you have to deal with this at this time in your life. I dont have any advice for you as I am the addict in my relationship but just wanted to say you will be in my prayers. You are not stupid how would you know that you have to hide your meds that keep you alive and comfortable. This is not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Birdgurl-
Through your treatment center there is probably a lot of support and resources, social workers (or at least one available), financial counselors, pastoral care.
They can provide support for lots more than the treatment in your life.....because getting some emotional and spiritual guidance can go a long way in helping make sure the physical components of ourselves has the best chance.
Through your treatment center there is probably a lot of support and resources, social workers (or at least one available), financial counselors, pastoral care.
They can provide support for lots more than the treatment in your life.....because getting some emotional and spiritual guidance can go a long way in helping make sure the physical components of ourselves has the best chance.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 19
I agree. The stress of dealing with him and trying to make sure he doesn't steal your medication is certainly not going to help you either physically or mentally. This is a time when it should be 'all about YOU'. Don't let him wear you down even further. Good luck with your treatment and keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Birdgurl,
I am sorry that you are sick.
Good advice here. Cut him loose. Take care of yourself.
Have you other friends and family?
Reach out for help. People are good. He is blocking your view of the world.
Tell him to step aside.
I am sorry that you are sick.
Good advice here. Cut him loose. Take care of yourself.
Have you other friends and family?
Reach out for help. People are good. He is blocking your view of the world.
Tell him to step aside.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome Birdgurl. I am so very sorry you have this double whammy sitting on your plate. You are right - you need all of your strength to take care of yourself, and yet find yourself taking care of him instead. How about stop worrying about him and focus on yourself? DO what you need to do for you. Make plans with others who may be far more responsible than he is to help you meet your needs right now.
He is a grown man, and right now, he needs to fend for himself so you can focus on you. I would also suggest reaching out to your local Al-Anon community for face-to-face support, if you haven't tried that already. Nobody understands better than those folks sitting in that room.
Keep coming back, and prayers to you today!
~T
He is a grown man, and right now, he needs to fend for himself so you can focus on you. I would also suggest reaching out to your local Al-Anon community for face-to-face support, if you haven't tried that already. Nobody understands better than those folks sitting in that room.
Keep coming back, and prayers to you today!
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I'd second anything anyone said above. You must focus on you and you only right now. That's it. I would never tell someone to kick someone out or leave a person, but seriously, you need all your strength and energy to deal with this challenging time in your life. I will pray for you.
I don't mean to be intrusive, but would you mind sharing what kind of cancer you have? I had a friend who beat lymphoma and is a living testimony to being able to survive and he beat this over 20 years ago! With technology today, people have much better rates of survival. I will say a prayer for you sweetie and am wishing you peace and good health in the future.
CS
I don't mean to be intrusive, but would you mind sharing what kind of cancer you have? I had a friend who beat lymphoma and is a living testimony to being able to survive and he beat this over 20 years ago! With technology today, people have much better rates of survival. I will say a prayer for you sweetie and am wishing you peace and good health in the future.
CS
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Birdgurl, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry for the findings on your recent scan. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Having to "take care of" another adult is far too much to ask of you right now. Your boyfriend is a grown man, and now is as good a time as any for him to learn how to take care of himself, to make his own decisions, and to live with the consequences thereof. Take the focus completely off of him and place it on you where it now belongs!
I hope you can surround yourself with positive, adult, caring people on whom you can rely for help.
Hugs, HG
I'm so sorry for the findings on your recent scan. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Having to "take care of" another adult is far too much to ask of you right now. Your boyfriend is a grown man, and now is as good a time as any for him to learn how to take care of himself, to make his own decisions, and to live with the consequences thereof. Take the focus completely off of him and place it on you where it now belongs!
I hope you can surround yourself with positive, adult, caring people on whom you can rely for help.
Hugs, HG
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hey Birdgurl,
I hope that you'll listen to all of the wisdom that was shared with you above. You really do need to focus on your own recovery right now. I also wanted to say that I have an elderly Aunt that has been in remission for at least 6 months from Stage IV cancer. She has just recently had another Pet Scan that just showed that there is still at this time no sign of cancer. She had cancer in several vital organs at the same time. There is always hope. Keep fighting.
************{Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}
I hope that you'll listen to all of the wisdom that was shared with you above. You really do need to focus on your own recovery right now. I also wanted to say that I have an elderly Aunt that has been in remission for at least 6 months from Stage IV cancer. She has just recently had another Pet Scan that just showed that there is still at this time no sign of cancer. She had cancer in several vital organs at the same time. There is always hope. Keep fighting.
************{Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
Birdgurl, I, too, have cancer and can relate to so much of what you're going through and feeling. My heart goes out to you.
There are times during this trek that I have taken the path of least resistance for my own survival because the survival benefit right then has outweighed the cost. When the cost outweighed the benefit my choices were a given, though it didn't make them less painful.
I am very sorry that you are hurting and I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hold you. I hope that you have a good friend or loved one nearby for reassurance and comfort. Take care of your well being what ever that is for you.
There are times during this trek that I have taken the path of least resistance for my own survival because the survival benefit right then has outweighed the cost. When the cost outweighed the benefit my choices were a given, though it didn't make them less painful.
I am very sorry that you are hurting and I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hold you. I hope that you have a good friend or loved one nearby for reassurance and comfort. Take care of your well being what ever that is for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Birdgurl))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. First of all, you are NOT stupid for not hiding your meds sooner. Most people don't even think about someone stealing their meds, or at least here...not until it is done to us.
I agree with everyone else..time to take care of YOU and let him detox somewhere else. You really don't need the added stress of dealing with him. You need to be surrounded by people who are supportive of you.
I wish I had more to offer, but I'm really glad you've come here...we will definitely be here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree with everyone else..time to take care of YOU and let him detox somewhere else. You really don't need the added stress of dealing with him. You need to be surrounded by people who are supportive of you.
I wish I had more to offer, but I'm really glad you've come here...we will definitely be here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
sending out prayers and good thoughts for strength, courage and wisdom for you to make the decisions for what is healthiest for YOU ~ you deserve peace and harmony in your home as you fight this battle for your life!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now and the hurt you are feeling because he is not there for you to lean on.
It's hard enough keeping yourself strong to fight against cancer and you do not need the stress of worrying about him or having to hide your medications.
Do you have family or friends that you can reach out to? LifeRecovery suggestion to talk to the treatment center is great advise. The nurses and social workers have lists of volunteers and programs to assist patients & if they don't have an answer when you ask they check into what they can do to get help for you, you just have to ask.
You will be in my prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
It's hard enough keeping yourself strong to fight against cancer and you do not need the stress of worrying about him or having to hide your medications.
Do you have family or friends that you can reach out to? LifeRecovery suggestion to talk to the treatment center is great advise. The nurses and social workers have lists of volunteers and programs to assist patients & if they don't have an answer when you ask they check into what they can do to get help for you, you just have to ask.
You will be in my prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
BG
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of collective wisdom in this forum.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with cancer. That is certainly a huge issue to face without the support of an SO. But when the SO's troubles are adding to that burden, it becomes unbearable.
Please....take care of you first. Ask for help. And concentrate your energies on your own health. Sending up prayers for you.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of collective wisdom in this forum.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with cancer. That is certainly a huge issue to face without the support of an SO. But when the SO's troubles are adding to that burden, it becomes unbearable.
Please....take care of you first. Ask for help. And concentrate your energies on your own health. Sending up prayers for you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I'm so sorry you are dealing with the stress of his addiction while going through your illness. This post makes me sad because this is a time when your health needs to be top priority, you deserve to be taken care of right now. I hope you use your energy to get YOU well. Please don't call yourself stupid, you are NOT stupid. My abf did the same thing with the prescription pain meds I got after my surgery and I blamed myself for a long time. Please take care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 29
Thank you so much everyone! Your words and advice helped to calm me and made me realize I wasn't crazy. I have breast cancer. I was diagnosed two years ago at Stage IV. I am doing very well, but every so often something pops up on a scan and it needs to be dealt with.
I got a place of my own and will be moving in days. Since I last checked in, I got very ill and needed medical attention. ABF went out of his way to take care of me. He is good at that part and it makes me feel terrible. Yes, he was still drinking at the time, but he said he cut back. I had a glimmer of hope until he told me he wants to become a sommelier. Really? Quack quack.
I am fighting for my life...I don't want to be with someone who wants to end theirs and does so by drinking.
I got a place of my own and will be moving in days. Since I last checked in, I got very ill and needed medical attention. ABF went out of his way to take care of me. He is good at that part and it makes me feel terrible. Yes, he was still drinking at the time, but he said he cut back. I had a glimmer of hope until he told me he wants to become a sommelier. Really? Quack quack.
I am fighting for my life...I don't want to be with someone who wants to end theirs and does so by drinking.
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