TakingCharge999

Can someone have a healthy romantic interest and still get butterflies, be excited and happy? or is that excitement/"passion" reserved to the Bad ones?

I know the people I have a crush on nowadays are the typical unavailable men (by distance, or emotionally unavailable). I know this is my abandonment issue and gladly I can recognize it and do nothing about such "crush".

I am going out with someone, not an addict, hard working etc but I don't feel that happy either. Its more like "comfort" and a friendship. Is this supposed to be what a healthy relationship looks like?

I know this topic has been discussed before...

TakingCharge999

PS In any case, I prefer being alone or hanging out with this "someone" 10,000 times than spending a moment "digging" someone troubled then the heartbreak, abuse, etc....

EnglishGarden

This is always a good subject to re-visit here!

I think of the actress Anne Bancroft who was married to the comedienne Mel Brooks for years and years. My understanding is that they had a healthy, happy marriage.

She said that up until the day he died, whenever she heard his key in the door, her heart leapt with joy.

I hope one day to have a relationship with someone whose key in the door evokes that same feeling of joy, consistently over time.

It's the "over time" part that non-recovering addicts always fail.

So check your joy-o-meter.

LifeRecovery

TC-

I don't know if this is the same thing but I did a therapy session not to long ago on this fluttery feeling that I get a lot in my chest.

It turns out I get it when I am excited. It also turns out that I get it when I am anxious and scared.

There are subtle differences and right now that is part of my work....trying to figure out the difference. The excitement one is lighter somehow and I am not waiting for the next shoe to drop with it.

I suspect I am not alone in the fact that the same feeling can mean two such different things. It can be so confusing because of it.

I have not even tried my new found knowledge on friendships, never mind relationships.....I am sure that will add a new layer to it.

bluoval

Having the "inner flutterings" toward your significant other while in that healthy relationship is attainable! I've found that it's not about finding the right person, it's about "being" the right person.

NYCDoglvr

You are perfectly describing my M.O. I've learned to quickly walk away when one of these guys appears. Most importantly, I work on my abandonment issues and other problems in therapy to change. It's a long, slow haul but cognitive therapy does work.

MsPINKAcres

For me ~ I found it.

But I must admit when I first saw Mr. PINK ~ I didn't have those initial "fluttery" feelings ~ he was just a business associate ~

It was after I spent time getting to know HIM and spent time with HIM ~ that those feelings began ~

Now, a phone call, his voice, his name ~ gives me that feeling ~ I believe it is more than a physical attraction ~ I believe it is the appreciation for ALL that he "understands & respects" in me ~

It is for the first time in my 45 plus years of living on this earth to be truly in healthy love and ok - (insert blush here) it's HOT! lol (ok I may just have crossed the sharing boundaries - eeekkk)

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Tuffgirl

Ahhh...such good answers...I am trying not to fall into the "I want what they have" thinking right now! ; )

I am with you, TC, questioning myself about my own judgement. I know what I *want* out of a relationship but I always seem to end up with the drama that I abhor instead. And at this point, my life is already too complicated to be dramatic.

I look forward to more posts...I can certainly use the same advice today. Thanks for bringing up the topic!

~T

lillamy

LifeRecovery is the second person this week who makes the point to me that anxiety and excitement can feel very similar... and that they can be easy to mix up.

My experience is a mix of Mrs Pink's and anvil's: I'm involved with a man I've known most of my life. We knew each other so well that the passion came as an utter surprise. But it's trustworty, because it comes from a place of deep friendship.

And it feels different. I can still be attracted to asswipes, but I've learned to identify that codie reaction. It feels superficial and "dangerous" -- more like anxiety. With my man, the attraction feels grounded, if that makes any sense.

TakingCharge999

Thank you friends,

I have not replied but have pondered about the posts these days

Between your comments and a few situations in real life I realized I was trying to tell myself I was in love when I wasn't, when I was FOR THE NTH TIME, SETTLING FOR LESS... so I broke the "relationship" I was starting to have on Sunday

I feel sad but not so sad to even cry. I also feel free and am hoping for the hippie, spiritual guy who likes tantra and Indian food, that is the artistic guy I imagine for myself

wicked

How about going to some classes TC? Tantra and how to cook Indian food.
Or, better yet, start your own classes! Before long you will have the perfect hippie yoga posing and grinding spices in your kitchen. I am a genius!
LOL
I am a little sad for you too TC, but everyone is supposed to be a lesson of some sort.
What do you think?

Beth

TakingCharge999

LOL wicked

Yes I am going to yoga, although I don't like feeling "desperate" trying to meet someone interesting, so just focusing on doing it for myself but yes I need to dive into this lifestyle and at least know more people like me... this ex thought I was crazy for paying more to eat organic stuff, for instance... even when that is the option for me...

I will look into those classes, I had never thought about it, thanks !

TakingCharge999

Thanks for feeling sad with me.. today I was just hopeful and honestly? I don't feel like I am losing a lot.. maybe some company but he was very very negative, too worried with money, too worried about my future... now filling my day with ME and with HP I feel very strong and grounded (yoga helps!!!). Also after mourning the ex ABF , mourning a normal person, finishing in good terms is a walk on the park...

He keeps calling but I keep remembering my own hopes for myself and it helps with the No contact.

I feel bad but for myself and still stuck being a codie, self worth issues etc, did I tell you I met a therapist that also heals with sound, didgeridoo, etc? I need to call her...

Hugs!! thanks for the support, it is priceless

Hopeworks

Sadly my picker only goes fireworks and butterflies for those guys that have very large capital T's (trouble) flashing neon on their foreheads... everyone else feels like Casper Milktoast on valium and I am yawning and looking for the door before we are out of the driveway.

I have blown off seriously nice, very nice successful and even fabulously wealthy nice men... sigh. I prefer World War III just like being home again with dear old dad!

A lifetime of fixing A's or being on the dating wagon (once time I didn't go out on a date for 10 years deliberately) didn't cure me!

But on a scale of 1 to 100 I am a 98 off the richter scale of the screwed up in this department and my e,s and h is that I think even I can get better now that I fully understand logically WHY I am this way!

I have turned matchmaker for my many normie girlfriends and evaluating dating possibilies for them is good for my recovery!

posiesperson

Ah, great topic and one that I've pondered a lot since getting involved with my bf, 9 months ago.

I didn't have that "instant" chemistry when I first saw him, but I've come to doubt that internal reaction as anything but dangerous--usually that means someone reminds me of a family member or ex. So I didn't have that, and the conversation took my breath away--it was a "coffee date" that went on for 2.5 hours. I wasn't unattracted to him but I probably wouldn't have noticed him walking down the street prior to that. The way he treated me, respectfully, asking to buy my coffee, asking to give me a hug, questions about ME and what I do for a living, why I enjoy it so much...THAT got my attention.

It was a different kind of "butterflies" and excitement. You know, kind of like when you meet a new person and you think, hey, I want this person to be my friend! I had to ask myself what this man offered to me that made me want to consider him being more than a friend.

I wanted a partner, someone I could consider spending the rest of my life with, one day at a time. Essentially I was interviewing someone for the very special and personal job of being my partner--a privilege. And I wanted it to be a privilege to be his partner, too. I've never chosen that way before...

It was a challenge to consider letting myself have that, to consider loving someone who could truly love me back. Never had that before, either.

I love the thought of talking to him each night before going to sleep, seeing him on our dates and spending time with his friends and family, ditto for mine. I look forward to sharing conversations and hearing his challenges and how he works them through. I love how he dresses up for special occasions, and that includes our dates--even if it's just going out for pizza. I love his voice and how he chats up the people he comes in contact with, even casually--most especially how he converses kindly and considerately with everyone from the owner of a restaurant to the custodian. I love that he cares about recycling and not wasting food. I love that he sees a whole world outside of himself, and that I'm part of his world because his consistent actions tell me that every day.

He's not perfect...at least, he's about as "perfect" as I am. Hahaha!

So it's a different kind of butterflies for me. It's the reliable "knowing" that I can have a disagreement with him and he won't walk out the door, the knowing that I have no desire to ask him to be someone he's not, nor does he ask me to change who I am. And that's exceedingly, exciting. And that translates into every aspect of the relationship.

Congratulations on not settling, TC. I'm a big believer in the idea that when we let someone go, we get something even better. Here's to your even-brighter future~

posie

Buffalo66

I have to be careful, because my relationship with RAH was magical before the drink took over, and it was magical for times in between, during, etc.

I still get weak in the knees occassionally when I see him, and I have to really reel my heart in. It is not love. It is addiction to that magical time.

I worry that I may never be able to trust those feelings again,if I had them for someone else... for the reasons you posted...fearing that those butterflies indicate sickness and dysfunction.

I worry about that, but it is the last thing on my list, too.
Throughout all the crap, I never fell for anyone else.

I never wanted to try. NOw, at 42, I wonder if that is just childs play.

Just how I feel today.

Thanks for the thought provoking post!

wanttobehealthy

I think when the day comes I am interested in another r/s, I'll use the key test as a barometer.

During my marriage, the sound of a key in the door for the last 2-3 years would instill panic and fear in me.

That's a pretty far cry from being excited and happy. I honestly can't remember if I was every happy when AH came home. Relieved? Yes. Glad? Yes. Because those always meant that he wasn't driving and drinking and unaccounted for.

Such a simple thing-- being happy when someone you love comes home-- but it just struck me reading this just how much that was never the case for me with AH. Wow.

As to the question asked-- I know that pre- AH I had an amazing boyfriend who treated me well and was a nice guy etc... We moved apart a bit geographically which made things hard and at the same time I met AH. S (nice boyfriend) was everything AH wasn't. A little conservative, not a big thrill seeker, nice, kind of boring (I thought at the time). AH from the start was a rollercoaster and that thrill sucked me in. So, I guess I too have no idea what "normal" feels like bc to me, the excitement of drama and the thrill of ups and downs has defined my r/s for the past 14 years. I think that calmness isn't a bad thing nor a sign you're just friends.... But I know that when I find myself in your situation I will likely be confused and wonder what's wrong since it's so tame and calm...

MsPINKAcres

pssst ~ I met Mr.PINK at age 44 ~

never give up hope ~ your as Happily as we decide to be Ever After may still be out there ~

PINK HUGS!
Rita

TakingCharge999

Exactly... just knowing you can feel excited to see someone.. I never had it with this last person.. or sometimes but shortly afterwards the excitement was over lol

Thanks for the good wishes! now I got back some hope for someone nice and thrilling in a good way, posie thanks for sharing your example about how a relationship looks like. It really helped me.

(Awww I love it when they dress up , or at least bathe, before seeing you )

I am 30 and also felt too old for this kind of thing! LOL

posiesperson

TC: Hooray! On to new (and better) opportunities. And it's always a wonderful thing to learn and apply that new knowledge going forward. It's anti-insanity.

Buffalo: Like Ms.PINK, I met my bf in my early 40s. The recipe is given to us in Recovery: HOW to get to serenity = Honest, Open, Willing. One day at a time.

Hugs,
posie