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Why am I so bent on keeping marriage alive?

Old 05-23-2012, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
You're right, it's about failure for me too. And, about letting go of the dream that someday things could be better. Maybe they could be, but right now REALITY BITES.
So, you are giving up a happy NOW, for a possibly happy FUTURE? That's what I did for two decades. The happy future never came and the years of unhappiness just kept piling up.

What I've learned is the future does not exist. Only the present is real and what I do now is what matters. Tomorrow and the next day will come no matter how I spend today. Spending it miserable does not make tomorrow any better. In fact, it usually means tomorrow will be miserable, too.

Life is far too short to waste one single precious minute waiting for someone else to change. He is who he is. The only question for you is, is he who you want to be married to? Not the possible, future, new-and-improved version--but the man you are married to right now, warts and all. Because if you are only interested in being married to who he could be, you are deluding yourself.

L
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Old 05-23-2012, 10:16 AM
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It's the reason we ALL stay: denial
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Old 05-23-2012, 10:43 AM
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Ditto Anvil: My counselor calls it "the slot machine effect"...
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
So, you are giving up a happy NOW, for a possibly happy FUTURE? That's what I did for two decades. The happy future never came and the years of unhappiness just kept piling up.

What I've learned is the future does not exist. Only the present is real and what I do now is what matters. Tomorrow and the next day will come no matter how I spend today. Spending it miserable does not make tomorrow any better. In fact, it usually means tomorrow will be miserable, too.

Life is far too short to waste one single precious minute waiting for someone else to change. He is who he is. The only question for you is, is he who you want to be married to? Not the possible, future, new-and-improved version--but the man you are married to right now, warts and all. Because if you are only interested in being married to who he could be, you are deluding yourself.

L
In all honestly the answer is YES. Sad to admit it. He has said that he wants me to be happy. He knows I don't want to listen to him or talk with him anymore and says that I don't want to hear what he has to say. Most of that is because he's never positive and most of his conversations revolve around the government, how other people are infringing on his rights, how his company is screwing him once again, etc.

He pretty much told me that the world has beaten him down and that he has nothing to look forward to. He's been like this for years and I always thought, "Wow, retirement's gonna suck with him." Technically, I know the answer but I keep plugging along thinking that he's going to miraculously do a 180. I had thought that the DUI was going to be a turning point for him. All it did was remove the alcohol from the situation, it didn't really wake him up.

What's sad is that he talks so badly about all his good Christian friends, people who have known him for years(some since grade school) and he constantly throws them under the bus. He talks badly about his family, he doesn't really have any good relationships there either. He is more loving towards the dog than towards any other human.

The one thing that really keeps me here is that he doesn't tear me down in front of others. He builds me up and talks highly of me to his work associates and to his tennis friends. I know he has good qualities and when I see them peek through, that's when I get hopeful.
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:30 AM
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One of my very favorite posts to quote. From anvilhead, a couple of years ago.

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
potential is a big fat cop out, IMHO. cuz what are we really saying...
ok so he's really a piece of garbage right now, but DANG gimme a couple of weeks and i bet he cleans up real good and then he'll be somewhat suitable. who are WE to determine anyone's else POTENTIAL? what is THAT anyways? do we really have some special all knowing powers that we see another's future, their destiny?

every body on the planet has POTENTIAL....we are not static beings, if nothing else we will at the very least grow older. it's rather conceited for us to nominate ourselves as their MUSE, their inspiration. for again that is us taking owner ship of another person's growth. we let ourselves believe they will change BECAUSE of us....and then we get to feel like heroes, demi-gods recreating people in our own likeness.

what a horrible demeaning thing to say to someone, it's like handing them a note that reads:

i really can't stand you much as your are, except on those few rare nice days. but you usually manage to end up ruining those too. however, because i am such a saint, i am willing to WAIT for you completely change everything about you that i find distasteful, and by the way here's the list of positive qualities that i've determined you MUST have inside you somewhere, for i swear i saw them once. now if you would please get busy, i'm only willing to wait half my life on you and i don't want to get so old i don't have enough speed to track down another subject.

-Love, Dr. Frankenstein.
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:32 AM
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He may build you up now but there is a good chance if you set real boundaries with him that you will be the next person to be thrown under the bus.

My AX isn't just an alcoholic, he's the kind of person who always feels persecuted at work, backstabs all his friends and family to one another, and speaks ill of all his exes. Nothing is EVER his fault.

Now that I've ended it, you can be sure that I am being demonized to all his family and friends. And of course, they have no idea of all of the horrible, divisive things he said to me about them.

Some people are just jerks. And alcoholics may praise their enablers, but once they're not enabling them anymore, watch out!
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
The one thing that really keeps me here is that he doesn't tear me down in front of others. He builds me up and talks highly of me to his work associates and to his tennis friends. I know he has good qualities
That is the one thing that keeps you there? The fact that he boasts about you to other people? The fact that he says the complete opposite to other people that he says to your face? That is a good quality? Surely it doesn't make up for how he makes you feel in what should be the comfort/safety of your own home? Sounds like he is putting on a show for "the boys".
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
when did you last stand on your own liz? i'm hearing a lot of you waiting for him to make your life better..........waiting for HIM to change, do that 180, etc.

what are you willing to do to make YOUR life better? how far are you willing to go? what steps are you willing to take? shoot, you might as well.......kill time while he continues to disappoint and underachieve to your expectations.
I guess the last time I stood on my own was back when I lived alone, made my own money, paid my own bills, and took care of myself. Once I got married, I was still working and things were mostly good but that's because I was entrenched in an extremely crazy work environment and I didn't have time to think about him. I remember, the first jobs we both had after getting married. He got into trouble at work and they made him go to counseling and put him on probation(he was 28 at the time). At the time, I was so busy establishing my career that I didn't care nor did I realize the severity of the issue. And, of course, he throws that one back at me often when we talk about counseling. I guess he invited me to go along and I didn't go so he reminds me that I didn't 'care' way back then, LOL! Please. It was his problem AT WORK, a place where I didn't work and had no ties to.

What I really need to throw myself into is getting my son's writing skills up to snuff and getting him caught up in math. If I'm honest, he's behind and if I need to put him in school in the future, then it's my responsibility to get him back on track. I am putting him in Kumon math for the next 6 months and will be signing him up for an online writing class for June and July. These are the best things I can do for him to get US to a point where I can consider putting him in school for 9th grade. I plan on homeschooling him for 8th grade(this next school year) whether or not I stay together, separate, or end it completely. I took on the responsibility to school him and I need to finish what I started to the best of my ability.

Once I feel that ds is heading down the right path, then I can focus on my path for a future career, etc. I used to be a yoga instructor and worked at a gym so I'm planning on asking our guy who runs the country club fitness center if he needs help once the college kids go back to school in August. I can work early AM shifts and get home to do school with ds early enough and can probably do 20 hour work weeks to start. I have been both an instructor and a member at this club and as an employee I get full use of the facility, including tennis courts which will benefit ds. That will also save me the $150 a month membership fee we are currently paying. Of course, I don't know that he will need the help or if he'll have the hours to give me, but it's part of my plan.

I also was a stockbroker and worked with financial planning. I'd like to get more into 401k management and retirement benefit planning so I'm hoping to get in the door somewhere, but this is for a few years down the road, and it was part of my plan even if I stayed married. I loved the field of investing and have worked at 3 different large companies. One thing AH always said about me was that I had no trouble re-inventing myself. I went to college, worked in retail management for the Limited for 2 years, then got a temp job at a brokerage firm and fell in love with the industry. A year later I was a licensed broker and working a trading floor. A year after that I was working in institutional services at the firm servicing accounts and trusts, etc. Then, I had my son and came home to be a stay at home mom, but I got bored and decided to get my certification to teach fitness classes. So, back in the classroom I went and studied again and got certified to teach. I taught step aerobics and strength classes for a few years and then found yoga. I did another round of certification and taught yoga for 4 years. Whew, that's quite a past, huh!!??? So, what the heck is MY PROBLEM? DUH.
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Adventure View Post
That is the one thing that keeps you there? The fact that he boasts about you to other people? The fact that he says the complete opposite to other people that he says to your face? That is a good quality? Surely it doesn't make up for how he makes you feel in what should be the comfort/safety of your own home? Sounds like he is putting on a show for "the boys".
Pretty much, just like my dad. My dad would belittle me in front of certain people, put me down, etc but would boast about me to anyone who was in a position of authority or who was wealthy. It was really weird how he'd choose who he would boast to or who he would blindside me in front of!

He knows that I get hit on regularly. He sees his friends check me out. He laughs when men walk past me and they turn their heads to check me out. He will say, "Did you see that guy ogling your ass? What a jerk." Ummm, wasn't that what you liked about me, too, dear?

I did an experiment last summer when I took our son to the water park with his friend. I took off my wedding rings and it took 1 hour for a single dad to camp out next to me, ask me to watch his stuff while he took his kid to grab some food, and then sit down next to me and chat for hours. I knew more about him in 2 hours than I knew about my AH at the time. Wonder what happened to him, he was retiring from the Air Force at the time.
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:32 PM
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"So, what the heck is MY PROBLEM? DUH."

Sometimes we get lazy and stuck in a mental time warp. You have the qualifications, perhaps, you lack the motivation. At times, just doing nothing seems easier...when actually, all it does is set us back further.
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:37 PM
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Lol about the pool experiment! You are the complete package...you won't have any problems making money or meeting new guys. You are clearly a hard worker who isn't afraid of challenges. So go for it!
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Old 05-23-2012, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by changeschoices View Post
Lol about the pool experiment! You are the complete package...you won't have any problems making money or meeting new guys. You are clearly a hard worker who isn't afraid of challenges. So go for it!
I know that I won't have trouble attracting men. My problem is that I know I'll take my codependent self with me. I have to get healthy FOR ME first before I think about men, women, or aliens, LOL!

I had a great guy coming to my yoga class one year. Talk about having fantasies, but that was bad, I know, LOL! He was a chiropractor and an EMT in his spare time and he was ripped. He gave me his card and asked if I would teach at his office to some of his patients. I had to turn him down, he was truly a seductive force to me and whether he knew it or not, I just couldn't jeopardize my marriage by spending time with him. Along with the fact that he was a bit younger than me, he seemed to think that we were closer in age. I come from good genetics, my mom gets mistaken for my sister all the time, LOL! My grandmother is 87 but doesn't look a day over 70! She's fit and beautiful for her age, just love her and am so grateful to my mom's side of the family for teaching me that growth can happen at any age. My 63 year old aunt is always emailing me her progress in growth and spirituality. Her first marriage she was married to an abusive workaholic and she wound up becoming an abuser to him, too. He cheated on her and left her with my 2 teen cousins to raise and she still considers herself a 'work in progress'. I truly am blessed to have so many great women in my family who support me and show me the way! It's too bad that we're all scattered across the country from each other now.
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:44 PM
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A little something that helped me a lot.

"If I am not for myself, who will be?"

My life changed when I put myself first and assumed responsibility for me. If you are waiting for someone to set you free you will wait forever.

Your friend,
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:30 PM
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This "no rating out" or "no snitching" is very popular in jail/prison. Has he always been that way or perhaps someone told him how he will have to behave in jail?
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:35 PM
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I too waited for years to confront my AH - like yours he always tried to put me down in jokey ways, he ignored the kids, he drank his business into the ground- and in all the years I thought I could control the situation! Everything looked ok from the outside but it wasn't - finally after realizing that my daughter had chosen an alcoholic boyfriend( who has now gone) and another son with depression, I realized how much damage had been done- by his alcoholic beviour and my codependent behavior. I no longer could keep juggling all the balls- told him so and asked him to go to rehab.
He did and is now home- it's early days yet but the whole experience taught me that this is my time to change. I attend al anon , and have found my higher power- I basically called for help in the middle of a melt Down, and something answered.
I know now that I cannot control the situation, but also know if my RAH doesn't embrace his recovery fully, then we will separate. He seems to have sensed the change in me and his attitude is changing- he wants to be sober.

I hope that you too will come to your decision - it will come when the time is right for you. I have been married for 23 years, and although I love him this time I know I will no longer live with him if he starts drinking again
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:42 PM
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Hi!

I was wondering if you check out the 12 steps? I am sending you love and light. I am hoping for the best for you and your son. I believe in my heart that you have everything it takes to recover. To take your life back and create a loving and healthy environment for you and your son.

Wishing for the best for you.

Love,

Lily
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Old 05-23-2012, 09:11 PM
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Your marriage isn't alive. You are definitely yoked, but not in matrimony, and not equally-- you are yoked more like an ox is to a plow (and you're the ox). In what world is what you've been describing to us a marriage?

I've been in a dead marriage-- one just like yours. I've been the ox. I'm in an alive marriage now. They are very, very, very different.

I'm so sorry,

Cyranoak
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Old 05-23-2012, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
In all honestly the answer is YES. Sad to admit it. He has said that he wants me to be happy. He knows I don't want to listen to him or talk with him anymore and says that I don't want to hear what he has to say. Most of that is because he's never positive and most of his conversations revolve around the government, how other people are infringing on his rights, how his company is screwing him once again, etc.

He pretty much told me that the world has beaten him down and that he has nothing to look forward to. He's been like this for years and I always thought, "Wow, retirement's gonna suck with him." Technically, I know the answer but I keep plugging along thinking that he's going to miraculously do a 180. I had thought that the DUI was going to be a turning point for him. All it did was remove the alcohol from the situation, it didn't really wake him up.

What's sad is that he talks so badly about all his good Christian friends, people who have known him for years(some since grade school) and he constantly throws them under the bus. He talks badly about his family, he doesn't really have any good relationships there either. He is more loving towards the dog than towards any other human.

The one thing that really keeps me here is that he doesn't tear me down in front of others. He builds me up and talks highly of me to his work associates and to his tennis friends. I know he has good qualities and when I see them peek through, that's when I get hopeful.
I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work. Sacrificing happiness NOW for happiness LATER is an illusion. All we have is now. That's it. I'm also here to tell you that your child only gets one childhood. Putting him through anxiety is NEVER worth it. My biggest regrets in life are the things I allowed my children to be subjected to. They didn't have a choice, but I did. And I made the wrong one for many years. I can't take that back now, although often I wish I could. I love my children with all my heart and it pains me to think that I put my "marriage" above them for so many years. Especially when I see what kind of "marriage" it was. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. There are no do-overs in parenting.

L
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Old 05-24-2012, 03:45 AM
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Would it be appropriate to apply for disability for your son? You could use this to be free and home school him working part time.
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Old 05-24-2012, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work. Sacrificing happiness NOW for happiness LATER is an illusion. All we have is now. That's it. I'm also here to tell you that your child only gets one childhood. Putting him through anxiety is NEVER worth it. My biggest regrets in life are the things I allowed my children to be subjected to. They didn't have a choice, but I did. And I made the wrong one for many years. I can't take that back now, although often I wish I could. I love my children with all my heart and it pains me to think that I put my "marriage" above them for so many years. Especially when I see what kind of "marriage" it was. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. There are no do-overs in parenting.

L
I know. It makes me sad. Yesterday was a great day, too. AH was in a good mood, he spent a lot of time with our son and was so positive. I sit there with my mouth hanging open thinking, 'this is the same man who claimed that he didn't care about his kid's feelings the day before?'

So, I get this false sense of hope. Sometimes I just don't know who I live with!
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