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The first lie

Old 05-22-2012, 06:53 AM
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The first lie

I knew after reading here that this day would eventually come and sure enough...My AW usually starts her drinking with wine at dinner. It usually takes her about an hour and a half to finish the bottle. Last night she started early and had the first bottle done by 6:30. A couple of the kids came over and asked if we had any icecream. Wife said no, but we can go get some. At the store we got the ice cream and then she said "can we get some more juice" (I hate that word now) I told her she has already had a bottle, do you really need some more? She looked me straight in the eyes and said I have only had a little bit that was left in the bottle. What does she think I am an idiot? I came home from work and noticed a full bottle and the partial sitting on the counter. So when we got home I looked in the garbage and sure as s**t there were both bottles empty. Not that I keep track anymore, that used to drive me crazy. So she drank another half bottle, passed out for a bit and then stumbled off to bed by 8:30. I realize that this probably isnt the first lie, but it is the first one straight to my face. Thursday I am taking her away for a couple of nights and am going to man up and have the conversation with her of what she wants our marriage of 28 years to look like. I know what I want it to look like and it is not this! Sorry for the ramble and the vent...feels a bit better though.


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Old 05-22-2012, 07:31 AM
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Oh grizz, the lies used to send me into a tailspin.

XA famous words " I just had two beers" when it was so very evident that he was visibly intoxicated. It made me just want to puke!!!

Sending you support, and wishing you peace.
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:43 AM
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My initial reaction was hugh, so this is how it begins. I believe this is going to be the next chapter of life with an active A. She gave me a call this morning all nice and sweet as ever acting like last night didnt even happen. that is our normal pattern though and its bad on my part, also acting like nothing happened.
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:44 AM
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I think the lies are worse than the drinking sometimes. Dont let her think she is getting away with the lies - she is only lieing to herself. Good Luck and Hugs your way you have a long road ahead of yourself. Educate and take care of yourself. I wish I started to educate and work on myself years ago. Best thing I ever did!!!!!
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Old 05-22-2012, 07:48 AM
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Grizz - that was hardly a rant! I completely understand what you are going through. I am told by my ABF that he can't be an A because he only drinks beer. He also sometimes drinks hard alcohol and mostly hides it when he does. You can smell the alcohol on him a mile away. He also uses the, "I only drank 3 beers" line but won't admit that the bottles he drinks which are generally 32 oz. of beer are more like 3 beers a piece. And after those 3 bottles most of the time he will go back to the liquor store for more.

So, yeah, I get it completely. The thing is they are really just lying to themselves. My ABF has been going a day without drinking, I think to prove he isn't an A, but by day two he is definitely at the store right after work and making up for it double time. I have had my talk with him that he must get help or I am leaving when the lease is up. I will follow through this time. And he MUST actually get help because if he doesn't realize he actually has a problem, it will repeat itself over and over and over.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by stepsforward View Post
I think the lies are worse than the drinking sometimes. Dont let her think she is getting away with the lies - she is only lieing to herself. Good Luck and Hugs your way you have a long road ahead of yourself. Educate and take care of yourself. I wish I started to educate and work on myself years ago. Best thing I ever did!!!!!
I tend to agree. I'm still trying to get over the lies and justifications even though he hasn't had a drink since February. I truly think that they believe their own lies, it's part of the disease.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by stepsforward View Post
I think the lies are worse than the drinking sometimes. Dont let her think she is getting away with the lies - she is only lieing to herself. Good Luck and Hugs your way you have a long road ahead of yourself. Educate and take care of yourself. I wish I started to educate and work on myself years ago. Best thing I ever did!!!!!
Was going to say something similar. The drinking is obviously what physically causes the issues in the first place, but (in my home anyway) the lies are what cause the issues to become huge raging arguments. On the rare occassion my AH hasn't lied the conversation is over in a minute or two. This is almost never the case though
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:11 AM
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A member on these boards shared her story, and her words made complete sense. She said, " I crossed an invisible line."

The former XA in my life also crossed that line, he truly was clueless. While I viewed it as him being in denial, he was so far gone he could not see that there was a problem. It got me thinking, Who would seek help for a problem, they did not believe they had ?

It helped me to understand how powerful addiction can be. I hate this disease, and I hate that I allowed addiction to rule my world for so many years.

All I have to offer is empathy, to those who live with an active alcoholic.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:49 AM
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Thank you all for your replies and understanding. You truelly think you are alone. It is a comfort to have you here. The kids (four of them, all adults) realize the problem with their mom. Other than that we appear to the world that we are the perfect family. Once upon a time wer were, and it wasnt that long ago. But six years in this progressive insanity seems like a lifetime.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
You truelly think you are alone. .
You are not alone; we are here for you when you need us. This place has truly saved my sanity.

What works for me is that she doesn't have to lie or hide the alcohol because we no longer talk about it. She knows she drinks, she knows I don't like it, and she knows, that I know, any conversation on the topic is pointless. So she doesn't need to hide it or lie about it.

I'm not suggesting a course of action for you or anyone else, I'm just saying what works for me. While I struggle with watching her health and mental faculties deteriorate, at least I don't have to struggle with lying.

Take care, my friend.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:22 AM
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Thanks Spes. I see that we are from the same part of the country. Yeah we dont talk about it either. It is our big elephant in the room. So she gets pie eyed and I ignore it and either watch TV or find something to do. Not much of an existance. What I do know is I am getting tired of living this way.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:33 AM
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Hello Grizz

Just wanted to send you a hug.

I honestly couldn't imagine what you are going through.

Love,

Lily
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:45 AM
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thanks. I honestly dont know where this is going to go. We are suppose to start building our dream home together next month. I find myself looking for rentals, just in case...She is an artist, never worked outside the house. I have always, and with great joy supported her and the family. I dont even want to think what that nightmare would look like.
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Old 05-22-2012, 10:11 AM
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grizz,

I read all your prior posts to get an idea of you. I think that I am somewhat in your future; by that I mean I have been where you are now and my life is at the point where my wife is dying from the alcohol. Sadly, unless she decides to stop, it becomes a downward spiral.

I see where others have recommended books to read. I hope you have read them, more than once if necessary. It is the unknown that causes us the most grief. The more you know about her disease, the moree you read here at SR, and the more you practice the idea of loving detachment, then you will know where all this is going and can make decisions on how best to live your life.

I am under no illusions that I am the mistress (I don't know the male word for mistress) in my wife's life and that alcohol is her real love. It's a difficult life and I am living the path that I have chosen. The people here are helping me cope and for that I will be eternally grateful.

grizz, learn all you can then decide how you want to live your life. Your wife has already decided how she wants to live hers.

Take care.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:17 PM
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Spes...I know each person is different, but did you see things plateau for awhile and then the road down started getting steeper? that is where I am now. It has been fairly predictive, a bottle a night. but as of late it is getting to be more. Its like I live with two people. In the mornings it is great and loveinga and we can talk. At night a switch is thrown and I get the other person. I hope that she drinks fast enough so that she passes out. The abusive part has not happened in some time. Now it is a silent non acknowledgement and waiting for the moring. As someone said 'We stay until leaving is the lesser pain" that is getting closer
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:33 PM
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Yes, there are 2 minds in this house; the kind person who is my wife and the person driven by alcohol. It is my sense that, at a certain point the alcohol won and that person (the alcohol) lives here more than my wife.

During those times when she is fairly lucid and we do talk about our lives, I think she is aware of what the alcohol does but she is either unable, or doesn't want to, change. Kind of gives credence to that line about being powerless over alcohol. What finally made it click in my head was that I was powerless over alcohol.

You're right, it is very predictive, even when she begins that downward destructive spiral, it will be predictive.

My sense is that you, like myself, would like to think that we have the ability to fix the problem and keep our family together. I have learned that, for the first time in my life, there is this one thing I cannot fix. I cannot fix her.

What I can do is fix myself.

I truly wish you well.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:40 PM
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Yes spes. it does seem like we are on a parrell path, with you being a bit ahead of me. My wife is still very clear headed when sober. She is an amazing artist. Raising the kids we put all our energy into them. her being a stay at home mom, putting her career on hold. Me working a ton and then come home to help with the kids. now that they are adults we are looking at each other and saying who are you. she wants to pursue here art career and rub shoulders with the fine arts community. I want to ride the harley and throw a stick for the dog. I dont know what "fixing myself" looks like. you are also right I am a fixer by nature. But I do know that I cant fix this....Lord knows I have tried
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:57 PM
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Many here at SR will advocate leaving and, for the most part, I agree with them, especially when I read about the physical and emotional abuse they go through every day. My heart breaks when I hear the stories of their daily lives. I can assure you that, unless your wife decides to begin her recovery, it is destined to get worse and will eventually become fatal.

You will need to take the path that works for you. It's a bit easier in the sense that your children are adults and don't live with you. It comes down to just you and your wife and how muich you are willing to endure.

Someone else here, another man, wrote that he stayed as long as he could because of pity. I'd like to think that I am staying for love but I am thinking it may be a combination of both. I made the decision to stay and, thankfully nobody here at SR tells me: "we told you so" when I come here for help when I've had a bad day.

For those experiencing physical or verbal violence, I'm willing to say they need to leave and find their peace and happiness elsewhere. In my case there is no physical violence but the emotional turmoil has driven me into a very deep hole of despair that I am still trying to climb out of.

I know you have tried to fix this but you can't. I'm not sure if someone has recommended this to you but I would suggest reading the book: CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. I found that helped me alot to cope. It may help you decide your path.
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Old 05-22-2012, 01:45 PM
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Your two stories parallel mine very closely. My AW seams to shift into higher gears with her drinking, never seems to downshift. Her actions change with every gear too. Her new thing is lying about everything. It doesn't matter what it is, where she had lunch with her mother, the color of my shirt, doesn't matter. I've learned to deal with the drinking with loving detachment but the lies come out of nowhere & send me spinning. Alanon has helped me more than I can describe & keep me sane through the lies & madness that comes with this disease.

For me once I realized I had no control over it, it was like a boulder fell off my back. Learning about the disease is also been helpful. It scares the living [email protected]#$ out of me reading about how the disease progresses & it seems like she has a checklist. But it does explain the odd behaviors. If you search this forum for "Under The Influence" I think you'll find it informative, scary, but informative.

I hear ya on the Harley thing, I get a lot of poison out of me on a nice long ride. Don't try too hard to make much sense of what she does/says especially while drinking. This disease tries real hard not to make sense to people who love the sick person.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:04 AM
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thanks for the replies, this weekend is going to be a rough one. we are getting away for a couple of nights before she heads off to another art thing on the other side of the country. I am going to talk with her just about where we are at, what the future holds etc. I am anticipating that it isnt going to go well, but I know this is something that I must do...to expose the elephant in the room.
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