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The first lie

Old 05-23-2012, 09:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm not telling you to leave or stay. But I am telling you that every time you ask her a question about her drinking she will lie. She can't tell the truth. She can't. Save yourself the grief and don't ask questions you already know the answers to. It's a waste, and she will resent you for asking and you'll resent her for lying.

Soon, if not already, she'll start lying even when she doesn't have to. The lies will not stop until she believes in her heart she's an alcoholic, and also seeks recovery. And that may never happen. Even if it does it will be a long, long time before she learns how to tell the truth again.

Also, conversations and heart to hearts don't work. Alcoholism doesn't care. The only thing that works is deciding what your boundaries are, communicating them to her and enforcing them, not enabling her, and not protecting her from the consequences of her drinking.

That's it. My two cents. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:05 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Cyranoak----you wrote how the lies won't stop until long after the drinking stops (I'm paraphrasing).....could you explain a bit further? Why if an addict is fully embraced in recovery still lie? Isn't honesty a crucial component ?

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Old 05-24-2012, 05:36 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Cyranoak,
Good to hear from you again. You always have a refreshing, bring us back to reality look at life. Yes I know what you are saying. I quit looking a long time ago at the amount of her consumption. I guess I was a bit taken off gaurd by how stupid this lie was (I know they all are). I believe this is just another stage of her downward progression. She is so deep into her denial that she is blind to all the other choices that she is making. Our lives are slowly moving apart and she is oblivious to it.


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Old 05-24-2012, 11:19 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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It's not an absolute...

...but many alcoholics get into the habit of lying even when unneccesary, and after they become sober and engage in recoery as their brain, if you will, "begins to regrow," it takes some awhile before they can begin to be direct and truthful.

Again, results vary. Some alcoholics, when they finally get there, take to recovery and sobriety like a duck to water, for others it's a lifetime struggle, and for others like my RAW they fall somewhere in between.

The real point of what I posted is to not focus on what you hear-- focus on what you see and experience. The words, really, are immaterial. The point is to believe yourself.

Take care,

C-

Originally Posted by FindingJoy View Post
Cyranoak----you wrote how the lies won't stop until long after the drinking stops (I'm paraphrasing).....could you explain a bit further? Why if an addict is fully embraced in recovery still lie? Isn't honesty a crucial component ?

Always learning
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Old 05-24-2012, 11:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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It is sad and tragic...

...and, again, I'm not big on hope. You'll hold on as long as you can, and more will be revealed as they say. My wife and I actually divorced and were apart for two years, yet today here we are, and she's in long term sobriety and fully engaged with AA all of her own doing.

For today anyway...

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by grizz View Post
Cyranoak,
Good to hear from you again. You always have a refreshing, bring us back to reality look at life. Yes I know what you are saying. I quit looking a long time ago at the amount of her consumption. I guess I was a bit taken off gaurd by how stupid this lie was (I know they all are). I believe this is just another stage of her downward progression. She is so deep into her denial that she is blind to all the other choices that she is making. Our lives are slowly moving apart and she is oblivious to it.


grizz
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