Mr Brother, God help him...and our family...
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
My Brother, God help him...and our family...
I haven't posted a lot but I read these forums every day. I have to post my story because I'm really struggling. I'll try to make it short.
In 2008 and 2010, my only brother and I lost both my Mom and Dad, respectively. They passed away from long term illnesses at 62 and 67. My brother and I are both in our 30s, married, and he has children.
He started drinking heavily while helping to take care of them, then, in 2011, it got really bad. He would go through liters of whiskey each day. Never violent, never in trouble.
In December, he went to detox and rahab. My SIL told him that if he came straight home from the hospital without rehab, she would leave, so he went to rehab. Came out of rehab in Jan 2012 and was sober for 5 months.
On the 9th, his 5 month sobriety date, he relapsed. BIG TIME. Since that date he got a DUI (never had a record before) and wrecked his truck. Thank God he didn't hurt someone else or himself. He went three days with no liquor, and then has been drinking every day since, so for about a week.
My SIL left and took the kids, keys, debit card. He had an appt with an atty this morning and didn't go because he was drunk. He has his arraignment next week. When the kids left, my Brother told the kids he loved them but basically he wouldn't stop drinking, and it's breaking my heart.
I know right now, he's alone in his house either passed out from being drunk, or withdrawing, has no money and no way to go anywhere, which I'm glad he can't. But, I know he's alone, not doing anything at this point to change, and not working his AA program.
Since we lost our parents and I am the oldest, I feel this sense of responsibility of "saving" him. I know I can't, I know this is his recovery, and I know I have to work on mine. I guess I just need to vent, continue with AlAnon, and just be there for those children. I'm so scared he will die, end up homeless, or kill someone else. I am stagnant with fear and anxiety and cannot get this out of my head. And, I think to myself, what would my parents think about this? If he doesn't go to work by Wed or misses any more time, he'll be fired. I hate that for him and the family. My SIL doesn't work.
I think he's self-medicating guilt, loss, depression, fear, and I don't know how to help him other than be there to talk, take him to get help when he asks, and leave him be. I won't give him money, loan him a car, or take him in. I just won't do it. I spent so much of my life on hold taking care of sick parents, and when they passed, I thought it was time to get my life back. And I did. I won't lose myself again.
Please give me some words of comfort here. I'm so lost.
In 2008 and 2010, my only brother and I lost both my Mom and Dad, respectively. They passed away from long term illnesses at 62 and 67. My brother and I are both in our 30s, married, and he has children.
He started drinking heavily while helping to take care of them, then, in 2011, it got really bad. He would go through liters of whiskey each day. Never violent, never in trouble.
In December, he went to detox and rahab. My SIL told him that if he came straight home from the hospital without rehab, she would leave, so he went to rehab. Came out of rehab in Jan 2012 and was sober for 5 months.
On the 9th, his 5 month sobriety date, he relapsed. BIG TIME. Since that date he got a DUI (never had a record before) and wrecked his truck. Thank God he didn't hurt someone else or himself. He went three days with no liquor, and then has been drinking every day since, so for about a week.
My SIL left and took the kids, keys, debit card. He had an appt with an atty this morning and didn't go because he was drunk. He has his arraignment next week. When the kids left, my Brother told the kids he loved them but basically he wouldn't stop drinking, and it's breaking my heart.
I know right now, he's alone in his house either passed out from being drunk, or withdrawing, has no money and no way to go anywhere, which I'm glad he can't. But, I know he's alone, not doing anything at this point to change, and not working his AA program.
Since we lost our parents and I am the oldest, I feel this sense of responsibility of "saving" him. I know I can't, I know this is his recovery, and I know I have to work on mine. I guess I just need to vent, continue with AlAnon, and just be there for those children. I'm so scared he will die, end up homeless, or kill someone else. I am stagnant with fear and anxiety and cannot get this out of my head. And, I think to myself, what would my parents think about this? If he doesn't go to work by Wed or misses any more time, he'll be fired. I hate that for him and the family. My SIL doesn't work.
I think he's self-medicating guilt, loss, depression, fear, and I don't know how to help him other than be there to talk, take him to get help when he asks, and leave him be. I won't give him money, loan him a car, or take him in. I just won't do it. I spent so much of my life on hold taking care of sick parents, and when they passed, I thought it was time to get my life back. And I did. I won't lose myself again.
Please give me some words of comfort here. I'm so lost.
My mom admits she drank out of fear. Fear of everything. My dad died at 54 from lung cancer and she immediately started drinking daily. She's been in aa for 32 years and hasn't drank a drop since. There's always an underlying reason they drink. Im sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully he'll wake up soon. It's hard not to feel responsible for them sometimes, but they have to come to the realization they have a problem, on their own.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself first.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself first.
I'm sorry about your brother's relapse. You are correct that you are powerless to change him.
I wanted to post and share my concerns for your SIL and children over family funds. I learned from experience. If your brother is on a joint account with your SIL, all he needs is a ride to the bank and he can do counter checks to wipe out any funds remaining in their accounts.
My suggestion to her would be to go to the bank and explain the situation. Open an account in her name only and transfer family funds into that account. She will need their assistance in determining if she is able to close the joint account.
Do you have a counselor, or access to grief counselors from the time of your parents passing? If hospice was assisting in their end-stages, you may be eligible for counseling through hospice. I hope you will reach out to them to discuss your fears of losing your brother. They may be able to offer you some support.
(((hugs)))
I wanted to post and share my concerns for your SIL and children over family funds. I learned from experience. If your brother is on a joint account with your SIL, all he needs is a ride to the bank and he can do counter checks to wipe out any funds remaining in their accounts.
My suggestion to her would be to go to the bank and explain the situation. Open an account in her name only and transfer family funds into that account. She will need their assistance in determining if she is able to close the joint account.
Do you have a counselor, or access to grief counselors from the time of your parents passing? If hospice was assisting in their end-stages, you may be eligible for counseling through hospice. I hope you will reach out to them to discuss your fears of losing your brother. They may be able to offer you some support.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Thanks everyone. My SIL and I have discussed that and she knows all she needs to do to protect herself and the kids as far as funds. Whether she does, that's up to her. I gave her the heads up back in Dec.
As for therapy, yes I have been, and I have grieved my parents and moved on. Yes, there are bad days, but overall, I'm doing well with the loss of them. Not that I want it, but it is what it is, and I just try to dwell on the good memories. I am healing, and I allow myself to grieve more when I need to.
As for my baby brother, he hasn't grieved, hasn't done counseling and I can't get him to go. I have offered to take him, go with him, but he just won't deal with it. Breaks my heart. I guess I just need to prepare myself for the worst, hope for the best, and have no expectations other than relying on God and myself. I will do whatever I need to for his kids, though. They are innocent in all this.
Thank you all for your support. This place means a lot. I got a wake-up call when I started here, and it really helped me understand this, but it is so hard to relinquish control you never really had to begin with.
As for therapy, yes I have been, and I have grieved my parents and moved on. Yes, there are bad days, but overall, I'm doing well with the loss of them. Not that I want it, but it is what it is, and I just try to dwell on the good memories. I am healing, and I allow myself to grieve more when I need to.
As for my baby brother, he hasn't grieved, hasn't done counseling and I can't get him to go. I have offered to take him, go with him, but he just won't deal with it. Breaks my heart. I guess I just need to prepare myself for the worst, hope for the best, and have no expectations other than relying on God and myself. I will do whatever I need to for his kids, though. They are innocent in all this.
Thank you all for your support. This place means a lot. I got a wake-up call when I started here, and it really helped me understand this, but it is so hard to relinquish control you never really had to begin with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Update: Things are really bad. He went to court, got a new court date for the DUI and the judge told him to get a lawyer. He was sober for a few days then relapsed again. He's drinking the hard stuff. Before, he was never mean. When he would withdrawal, he was depressed, mopey, whiny. Now, he's mean, angry, and literally out of his mind. He seems to be hallucinating (seems), but then turns around and remembers the "hallucinations". He seems like he could be violent, like he's getting ready to hit or punch, but then he will direct the anger to something and hit that, instead of someone.
Regardless, we are scared. I spent last night with him trying to calm him, then he got insanely hungry and was craving pizza, so I got him some. All night he would eat, calm down, get delusional, calm down, get angry, calm down, get whiny and crying, then calm down. I didn't get home until 4am and was so emotionally exhausted.
My SIL left again with the kids to get them to a safe place today. My niece said she doesn't even want a relationship with him anymore.
I feel so lost. I know my brother has to help himself. And, I don't even think he was withdrawing all that much, because I think he was still drinking all day yesterday. He kept disappearing to his hiding places and smelled like it all day.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what's an act, what's real, and if he has some mental illness going on or what. And this has just happened so fast. Five months of sobriety, then three weeks or so of drinking himself into oblivion and this behavior.
I know he needs psych help or therapy to deal with depression, grief, or even possibly PTSD that I think he may have from my parent's care and death. He keeps talking about images of them after they died and noises he hears from ventilators and HRMs, etc. I really don't know what's real and what's not because he has lied and lied and lied. Contradicts himself all the time. Full of drama. Honestly, I know we all have personality traits that we could all work on, but right now, he has all the bad parts of him to the surface, times a million. I know deep down he has a good heart. I can't save him.
He lost his job. He has no insurance, and needs help. and, I feel so bad saying this, but I am not sure that I want to be a part of his life anymore. I cannot got through this.
Please share any experiences or advice. I have never in my life seen someone so lost from alcohol. I even wonder if he has brain damage. He's at his house by himself, blowing up my phone. I just don't have any energy for him today after spending 9 hours with him doing this yesterday. I feel like if he's really in trouble, he can call 911 just as well as he can call me. And, if he gets stuck there with no electric, water, whatever, oh well. He's resourceful enough to get what he wants.
Anyone ever have to see an alcoholic like this? This bad? And, walk away feeling like you are abandoning them?
Regardless, we are scared. I spent last night with him trying to calm him, then he got insanely hungry and was craving pizza, so I got him some. All night he would eat, calm down, get delusional, calm down, get angry, calm down, get whiny and crying, then calm down. I didn't get home until 4am and was so emotionally exhausted.
My SIL left again with the kids to get them to a safe place today. My niece said she doesn't even want a relationship with him anymore.
I feel so lost. I know my brother has to help himself. And, I don't even think he was withdrawing all that much, because I think he was still drinking all day yesterday. He kept disappearing to his hiding places and smelled like it all day.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what's an act, what's real, and if he has some mental illness going on or what. And this has just happened so fast. Five months of sobriety, then three weeks or so of drinking himself into oblivion and this behavior.
I know he needs psych help or therapy to deal with depression, grief, or even possibly PTSD that I think he may have from my parent's care and death. He keeps talking about images of them after they died and noises he hears from ventilators and HRMs, etc. I really don't know what's real and what's not because he has lied and lied and lied. Contradicts himself all the time. Full of drama. Honestly, I know we all have personality traits that we could all work on, but right now, he has all the bad parts of him to the surface, times a million. I know deep down he has a good heart. I can't save him.
He lost his job. He has no insurance, and needs help. and, I feel so bad saying this, but I am not sure that I want to be a part of his life anymore. I cannot got through this.
Please share any experiences or advice. I have never in my life seen someone so lost from alcohol. I even wonder if he has brain damage. He's at his house by himself, blowing up my phone. I just don't have any energy for him today after spending 9 hours with him doing this yesterday. I feel like if he's really in trouble, he can call 911 just as well as he can call me. And, if he gets stuck there with no electric, water, whatever, oh well. He's resourceful enough to get what he wants.
Anyone ever have to see an alcoholic like this? This bad? And, walk away feeling like you are abandoning them?
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