changeschoices

My AX emailed me today and told me that he's quit drinking but without AA because he can't stand AA. He says it's really going well "this time".

He then apologized for the problems he caused in our relationship due to his drinking.

Then he said he wants to talk with me, and that I've shared from my point of view about the relationship and now he wants to tell me about "what troubled him" in our relationship.

I can't believe after the sheer h*** his drinking put me through that he now wants to tell me about what he perceives as the problems in our relationship.

And he's magically quit drinking, without the help of any recovery program?

I think if I talk to him, I will be instantly set up as the reason he drank, and the end of our relationship will be accounted for as the reason he's not drinking now.

I am trying really hard not to run screaming into the hills from fury and frustration. As far as I knew, people in recovery don't take other people's inventory. They make amends, for a very long time, before they even think about discussing how the non-alcoholic may have contributed to the relationship problems.

Katiekate

OMG, don't do it.

I had a conversation with my x on Friday, have not spoken to him since, and of course he is active, in fact he fixed himself a nice drink half way through the conversation.

It went kind of like this, you did this, you did that, i still have feelings for you but it will never be like it was before, i did that because you must have done something, He brought something up from over a year ago, if I did that I would be punished in some way, blah blah blah, quackity quack quack.

Then had the audacity to call me later and leave a message that he was glad we talked, LMAO, not me, I'm so sorry I even talked to him. In fact today, I feel the most intense anger, almost hate for him. It's horrible, I am a convicted NC sister these days.

You could have that conversation with yourself and make it more interesting.

MsPINKAcres

I usually am not this blunt about things but I can only think of two words for this. . .


QUACK QUACK!!!!

wishing you continued peace, serenity & the ability to take good care of YOU!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

vinyl

Did you tell him any of this? I would suggest not ignoring his request but letting him know exactly what you posted here, as long as you dont fear any violence or retaliation. He may just be ignorant to his own motives and simply not understand that he needs help to really understand the process. The dude could frankly just be dumb.

Give him a reality check here and the option to educate himself on what he's doing. He might truly not know it's his own fault. You may think it's obvious, but he's been in a black hole the entire time he's been drunk. He perceives the world much differently than you and needs to understand your experience. He can't do that if you ignore him. That will just validate that "you're the problem".

I only suggest any of this if you're sure he's sober now.

XXXXXXXXXX

We don't possibly have the same ex, do we. I have heard that same line. Pretty much word for word.

akrasia

I agree.

And I wuv anvil.

ColetteTocca

Tell him to tell it to his therapist, not you.

LaTeeDa

Thought I posted this already, but....

If the relationship is over, what's to discuss? It just doesn't matter at this point.

I would wish him well, and then block his email.

L

Cyranoak

You are right, most of the posts here are right, and he's an *******. More importantly than anything, LTD hit on it-- he doesn't have the right to speak with you anymore.

Don't spend another precious moment of your life trying to explain anything to this "person".

Take care,

Cyranoak

Buffalo66

I can understand your frustration. More than you know.

changeschoices

I did email him back and gave him a reality check. In a very honest way. I told him all of the ways that his drinking impacted me, and that I will not listen to him talk about what he views as the problems in our relationship, because IMO almost all of the problems can be traced to his alcoholism. And that if he was truly in recovery, he would recognize that.

I doubt it will do any good. He's not working a program, so I suspect this attempt at sobriety will be short-lived like all the others. Clearly, he just doesn't get it. Especially since a few weeks ago, he was babbbling on and on about how he used to have a problem with alcohol but now could "learn to control" his drinking. And few short weeks later, he's quit drinking. Really? People who don't have a problem with alcohol need to quit drinking? He completely fails to see the irony in it.

tabatha

Unless you two are in the middle of working on mending the relationship together and he is working on his recovery I don't see the point in listening to him as to what troubled him in the relationship. He apologized, which may be his way of making amends but why discuss anything more? What would it accomplish?

changeschoices

I did tell him that there was no point in discussing our relationship problems, since the relationship is over--and since I do not want to hear any more blame.

I think that he wants to tell me what I did wrong because in the past I always took his blame and fell all over myself to try to make things better. Now of course I realize that this is exactly what the alcoholic wants--someone to take the blame and deflect the white-hot light of truth off of his problems. I think he is a hot mess even if he's not currently drinking, and his wanting to talk about our relationship is just a way to offload his blame onto me. And perhaps he's hoping that I'll fall all over myself again to take the blame. It would certainly be nice for him if I did that.

I am not going to allow myself to be used like that ever again. I have realized that, even not being with him, having these kinds of conversations with him would be a continuance of his emotional abuse of me. He can sit and spin all he wants, but I am not his whipping boy anymore.

Linkmeister

I swear my my EXABF mailed you...LOL.....I got many of those emails from him after many binges. All of the results were the same. Hates AA, can stop by himself, I was the problem, wash, rinse, repeat.

I finally broke it off last year, blocked his email (got a new one, that REALLY helped), his phone #, any form of communication. I've had a very peaceful time of it since while working on my recovery, while he still keeps on drinking.

Block any way he has of getting in touch with you and let him "quack" to himself.

Wascally Wabbit

My kids father used to do this to me. Drink into blackouts and then blame it on me. Oh the conversations on what would improve our relationship...usually wound up with me as the cause of the problems.

Never wanting to admit to himself or another person the cause of his problem, but always willing to blame others for it.

I left that abusive marriage. 2 years later he's doing life in prison for an alcohol fueled rage of rape and assault. Who's fault was it then? I hadn't been around for a long time.
One thing's for sure. He's quit drinking.

Thelma

Once I'm out, as you obviously are, I plan no contact. EVER! He's looking for closure and that closure is him venting on you about all that you did wrong in his eyes. He's looking for justification for acting the way he did. Let him figure it out on his own. He didn't need your help to drink and be abusive and like everyone else he needs to figure out his recovery on his own if he ever does. The blame game is over. Move on!

womaninprogress

Maybe I have the wrong aproach here....but I would at least hear him out. Isan't it part of our "codie" being a martyr. I'm just sayin, I personally know that I'm 50% of EVERY relationship I'm in. I would hear my A out, but also consider the source. By doing that I'm recognizing he is human, not just some worthless drunk, (although I've often felt he was a worthless drunk in my fits of martyrdom). But obviously there was a reason I was drawn to him, and if anything he has to say may enlighten me, I would listen. Like many here, when my A was sober he was a very smart, charming loving man. Perhaps he can teach me something. And alot of my time after we split was spent analyzing the whole relationship trying to dig MY lessons out of it.

I often felt I would have given anything for him to have a conversation like this with me. I think I'm able to be honest enough with myself to see if any of his points were valid. Again, I would take what I want and leave the rest, but if it helps me grow, then the three years with him were not a waste.

StarCat

During XABF's stint as a stalker after I left him and went no contact, he appeared at my desk at work one day to inform me of all the mistakes I made in the relationship, but that since he's such a nice guy he'd be willing to overlook them and give me one last chance.

Nothing is ever their fault. It's all about blame-shifting.

With enough time in a good program, a conversation about faults in a relationship could be a learning experience and an opportunity for growth, because both parties are accepting ownership of their mistakes.
Right now, though? It would be a web of lies crafted in an attempt to either guilt your return, or sooth his injured ego, neither of which helps you.

changeschoices

He emailed me back today saying he doesn't want to work out our problems but that he can't imagine us not being in each other's lives at all. That he still cares about me and is hurting but he can't be with me because he needs "less stress" in his life...but he wants to talk to me.

This from a raging alcoholic with criminal convictions, time served, two bankruptcies, getting fired for drunkeness, two broken marriage engagements, etc. etc. My life is NOTHING like that, I have NEVER had any problems like that. And he says that life with me is "too stressful"?

I emailed him back and said he doesn't get to keep me in his life. He messed up too much, too many times, and that's that.

He may have dried out a bit, but he is clearly not sober. I don't need to have my head ****** yet again by talking to him.

suki44883

If you are serious that the relationship is over, then be DONE with it. There is no reason for you to be reading his nonsense. It just keeps you involved in the drama you say you want to be free of. You can put an end to this silliness whenever you want. If you really want.