Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Steinbach mb
Posts: 2
Help
I need help I have been with my ah for 6 years and he has gotten worse and worse then better then ok and most recently back to worse, we have a house vehicles and bank accounts so on and so forth together so it's not like I can pick up and leave it would require almost everything a divorce would + we are getting married in this summer which I agreed *to when he was living sober for 3 months he has never been to treatment he has said he drinks to much which he does and he gets aggressive never hit me but has thrown plates and stuff at the wall and verbally abuses me, he drinks a 24 of beer or more a weekend and god knows what during the week he picks up a king can or 6 pack every night and tries to hide it he says he drinks like that cause he is stressed which I don't understand I handle the finances and there fine and he hates his job but I have shown him many jobs available as a way out he always makes up an excuse to not go. I love him so much but even the look of him with a beer in his hand repulses me when he drinks ( even when he is not being aggressive ) disgusts me. Lately I have been living in fear of his outbursts and I'm tired of crying he always says sorry and not to listen to what he says when he drinks the next day but how can I forget the awful things he says... I dont know what to do I can't just bail I love him and our sober life together as well as I have invested a lot into this man, I just don't know how to live with this.. How to cope how to some how find a way for him to see that he needs help.. I'm so drained mentally and emotionally I have nothing left to give..*
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you and share our experiences with you.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept that concept. I was sure I could find the right words, cry enough tears, show with my love, or scream the right volume to convince him to change. When I finally accepted that I was powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable, I began to find ways to take better care of myself - and allow my loved one the dignity to care for himself.
I was married to my loved one for 14 years. I didn't arrive in the situation of living with a raging, gambling, black-out, lying, denying, pissing, vomitting, alcoholic overnight - so I had to be patient to find my way out of that situation by taking one step at a time and doing it One Day at a Time.
Reading here at SR helped, attending Alanon meetings helped, and reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" really helped me take better care of myself.
There is a post in our stickies (older, permanent posts) that helped me while living with active alcoholism. It contains steps that I followed. I followed the steps to help me get my sanity back. Here is a link to the post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse.
Please keep posting. We are here to support you!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you and share our experiences with you.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept that concept. I was sure I could find the right words, cry enough tears, show with my love, or scream the right volume to convince him to change. When I finally accepted that I was powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable, I began to find ways to take better care of myself - and allow my loved one the dignity to care for himself.
I was married to my loved one for 14 years. I didn't arrive in the situation of living with a raging, gambling, black-out, lying, denying, pissing, vomitting, alcoholic overnight - so I had to be patient to find my way out of that situation by taking one step at a time and doing it One Day at a Time.
Reading here at SR helped, attending Alanon meetings helped, and reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" really helped me take better care of myself.
There is a post in our stickies (older, permanent posts) that helped me while living with active alcoholism. It contains steps that I followed. I followed the steps to help me get my sanity back. Here is a link to the post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse.
Please keep posting. We are here to support you!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family
I hate that you having been living in such fear and turmoil ~ that is such a terrible life to live ~ many of us have been there, some of us are still there ~
Together here we learn about recovery - not so much as for the alcoholic, but what we can do for ourselves - after all - really that is the only person we can change.
As I'm sure you realize there is nothing you can do to change your BF ~ but you can find help for you ~ doesn't mean you have to make a decision to leave, to stay, to do anything ~ you can just learn about what is healthier for YOU.
Please continue reading here - maybe check out some Al-Anon meetings, read some recovery literature and please keep posting and asking questions . . . sometimes the answers maybe a little harsh, but they are only meant to help you see things from a different perspective and also shared with love & concern.
Prayers & good thoughts for the very best for you & your BF
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I hate that you having been living in such fear and turmoil ~ that is such a terrible life to live ~ many of us have been there, some of us are still there ~
Together here we learn about recovery - not so much as for the alcoholic, but what we can do for ourselves - after all - really that is the only person we can change.
As I'm sure you realize there is nothing you can do to change your BF ~ but you can find help for you ~ doesn't mean you have to make a decision to leave, to stay, to do anything ~ you can just learn about what is healthier for YOU.
Please continue reading here - maybe check out some Al-Anon meetings, read some recovery literature and please keep posting and asking questions . . . sometimes the answers maybe a little harsh, but they are only meant to help you see things from a different perspective and also shared with love & concern.
Prayers & good thoughts for the very best for you & your BF
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Big hugs, Keepinthefaith. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you're reaching out for support.
You know you can change your mind, right? That you can call it off - or if you're not ready to do that, postpone it. I'm not being facetious. It never crossed my mind that I could. I was committed to having the wedding with now-AXH (alcoholic ex-husband). In the months leading up to the wedding, I could have written your post. I went through with the wedding pretty much because I'd made a commitment to him (h-ll, I asked him - there's a lovely story behind that, too). That and I thought things would get better after we were married. Not to mention the cost I'd already put into the wedding...
Good lord how I wish I'd told any one in my family how I was feeling, what was going on, and that they'd told me something like Anvilhead's post. Especially the Please know that verbal abuse is still abuse. And like alcoholism, it escalates. NOTHING you could ever do deserves that. I had to learn this first hand. AXH never hit me, but the verbal and emotional abuse to escalated to much, much worse treatment by him. It's been 4 years that I've been out from under the same roof as him and I'm still recovering my equilibrium. I'm still learning to like myself again. I'm still learning that I'm a worthwhile person, beautiful, smart and a good mom. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes it's so hard to remember, because the message he drilled into me over almost 10 years of marriage is so loud.
You don't have to 'bail', but please know that it's not your responsibility to fix him. (And this next part is something I should have known, and am frequently still 'guilty' of) He is not the most important person in the relationship - your feelings, needs and desires are just as important.
Wishing you peace, strength and hope.:ghug3
Originally Posted by Keepinthefaith 
+ we are getting married in this summer which I agreed *to when he was living sober for 3 months
Good lord how I wish I'd told any one in my family how I was feeling, what was going on, and that they'd told me something like Anvilhead's post. Especially the
"that doesn't sound like someone looking forward to getting married...."
You don't have to 'bail', but please know that it's not your responsibility to fix him. (And this next part is something I should have known, and am frequently still 'guilty' of) He is not the most important person in the relationship - your feelings, needs and desires are just as important.
Wishing you peace, strength and hope.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Seriously keepingthefaith why the rush to marry this guy?
You don't know how to live like this? This is LIFE with an active alkie. Alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.
To marry him now, is accepting him, for the way he is today. He is violent, and abusive, and that's going to escalate too.
Active alkies take hostages, they are not capable of being in a committed relationship.
Sorry to say, but that wonderful sober guy you fell in love with, is (currently) unavailable.
As far as your joint financial obligations, I have learned, anytime I based a life altering decision on money, I usually ended up shooting myself in the foot. This is a pay now or pay later situation. If it were me, I would be jumping in a life boat and paddling towards shore. At present, you are on a sinking ship, and the alarm to abandon ship has been activated. Save yourself, my friend.
You don't know how to live like this? This is LIFE with an active alkie. Alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.
To marry him now, is accepting him, for the way he is today. He is violent, and abusive, and that's going to escalate too.
Active alkies take hostages, they are not capable of being in a committed relationship.
Sorry to say, but that wonderful sober guy you fell in love with, is (currently) unavailable.
As far as your joint financial obligations, I have learned, anytime I based a life altering decision on money, I usually ended up shooting myself in the foot. This is a pay now or pay later situation. If it were me, I would be jumping in a life boat and paddling towards shore. At present, you are on a sinking ship, and the alarm to abandon ship has been activated. Save yourself, my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Steinbach mb
Posts: 2
Thank you dearly
Thank all of you for your support I have never thought I could find people like me that could relate as silly as that sounds today was a good day he didn't drink ... But he did last night but didn't become aggressive which I am thankful for, I have taken everything into consideration that all of you have said and truly appreciate ever word even if it may be hard to hear. I have spoken to a member of his family in regards to the wedding and we are discussing the options right now, as beneficial as it might be to leave I know I don't have it in me to leave our life and home right now and my attempt would only be a empty one as I would miss my home and him and come back. I am not strong enough yet but I will be getting the books so that I become strong and can make more decisions from there. I can't imagine a life with another man as I do love him dearly, but I will have to open my eyes to the possibility of him not getting healthy .. He has family member that are attending AA as it runs in the immediate family but they continue to drink they go to the meets and then leave and get more beers thinking there is nothing wrong with them drinking because there not alcoholics because they have gotten help.. So they are horrible role models for him right now not horrible people just not people he needs around him. && I just wanted to say not in defense of my relationship or to justify anything but 5 days a week he is a good man we have our normal couple scwobles but nothing horrible.. Which leaves me hope even thou I know this disease will only progress .. I still have hope. But I need support for me 
as silly as that sounds.. *
as silly as that sounds.. *
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Welcome Dear Keepinfaith,
I am so glad you found this forum. I want you to know that I really care about what you are going through. It is not easy to live with an active alcoholic. And the emotions and turmoil you feel must be awful. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Please read through this forum and keep coming back. You are not alone at all.
Love,
Lily
I am so glad you found this forum. I want you to know that I really care about what you are going through. It is not easy to live with an active alcoholic. And the emotions and turmoil you feel must be awful. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Please read through this forum and keep coming back. You are not alone at all.
Love,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
and he gets aggressive never hit me but has thrown plates and stuff at the wall and verbally abuses me
It starts out this way, then it gets worse. It's your fault the plate went through the window because you are the one that made him angry. It's your fault he hit you instead of the wall, because you were standing in the way.
It starts out small enough, otherwise we would run away quick. It doesn't go away, it just gets worse the more they drink, the angrier they get at you for hating their drinking.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have gotten married, or I would've left when the first plate hit the wall.
It starts out this way, then it gets worse. It's your fault the plate went through the window because you are the one that made him angry. It's your fault he hit you instead of the wall, because you were standing in the way.
It starts out small enough, otherwise we would run away quick. It doesn't go away, it just gets worse the more they drink, the angrier they get at you for hating their drinking.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have gotten married, or I would've left when the first plate hit the wall.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Select
Posts: 9
I gave my ABF a choice; get sober or I leave, for good. I did leave, a couple of time, packed all my stuff and left. Luckily, he realized that our relationship and the serenity it brings him, his improved health and all the activities he's getting involved in are much more valuable than drinking. It's just the beginning for us, but we're taking each day at a time. He still craves for a drink now and then. My ABF needs to find activities that get him all excited about, and that helps him take his mind of the drinking (for instance, taking his dog to dog shows across the country and abroad for coursing, or us going together hiking, or doing other sports). He also likes to mend things around the house, whatever will keep his mind and hands occupied. Could your partner find relief in some activities like that? it might help him take the edge off. Take care, I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Select
Posts: 9
Also, you might consider going to Alanon in case you haven't. If he gets aggressive, you might need to think what's best for you... Sometimes, what you "invest" in somebody else doesn't always pay off. You might consider investing in yourself.
Take care, hope you find your answers
:ghug3
Take care, hope you find your answers
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi keepinthefaith,
There are a lot of good responses here, and thanks for your post.
What would happen if you put the wedding on "hold" for now? What if you got your own place, went to Alanon and really sorted out how you want to be treated in a relationship? I'm pretty sure that when you thought about your dream wedding and marriage it didn't include spending the rest of your life with someone who drinks 24+ beers per weekend, verbally abuses you and throws things.
As others have said, alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm absolutely positive that you deserve better. If nothing else I hope you go to Alanon (and some open AA meetings, so that you understand what you're getting yourself into) before you walk down the aisle and agree to blend your life with someone who isn't available to you--he is already in love, and it isn't with you. I'm sorry for your pain.
Keep coming back,
posie
There are a lot of good responses here, and thanks for your post.
What would happen if you put the wedding on "hold" for now? What if you got your own place, went to Alanon and really sorted out how you want to be treated in a relationship? I'm pretty sure that when you thought about your dream wedding and marriage it didn't include spending the rest of your life with someone who drinks 24+ beers per weekend, verbally abuses you and throws things.
As others have said, alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm absolutely positive that you deserve better. If nothing else I hope you go to Alanon (and some open AA meetings, so that you understand what you're getting yourself into) before you walk down the aisle and agree to blend your life with someone who isn't available to you--he is already in love, and it isn't with you. I'm sorry for your pain.
Keep coming back,
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Danger, danger, danger!!!!
Please hear my e,s and h and find a great therapist who knows addiction and relationship counseling and start meeting regularly with that person.
Counseling before marriage is a wonderful thing... there are compatibility tests for couples that are helpful with or without active alcoholism. Active alcoholism guarantees misery... the years of progression only heighten the misery level.
I also recommend alanon, books and visiting us here at SR often. We care.
Please hear my e,s and h and find a great therapist who knows addiction and relationship counseling and start meeting regularly with that person.
Counseling before marriage is a wonderful thing... there are compatibility tests for couples that are helpful with or without active alcoholism. Active alcoholism guarantees misery... the years of progression only heighten the misery level.
I also recommend alanon, books and visiting us here at SR often. We care.
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