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married10 05-21-2012 07:27 AM

Considering Full Custody of kids
 
I guess I would just like to hear from some of you all, reasons why you went after full custody, reasons why it is so very important to go after full custody.

As each day passses, his drinking increases, his drinking and driving increases... and I know (I really know deep down) that I should not let my children go with him when the divorce is all said and done. Even my 16 year old stepson had a great talk with me and stated "dad needs help", "watch such and such son cause things dad said and did have really hurt me over the years" This talk with my stepson is what is making highly consider going after full custody. and then there is the but....

Looking for supportive advice, stories etc.. to help me get over the but...cause I don't think I could live with myself when/if the children got hurt cause I couldn't/didn't stand up for them, thats my job.

Why is this decision almost harder to make then the decison to divorce?:c020:

Buffalo66 05-21-2012 07:46 AM

If he is dangerous, then I would do the full custody.

Drinking and driving was not an issue for us, because my A would not drive when he was a drinker.

The emotional ramifications are exhausting, even if you do not choose to maintain full custody. I have maintained primary custody, and my RASTBex has visits. He is sober.

When he was drinking, he had visits, but I had to be very vigilant, had to make constant boundaries, and not doubt myself. I had to make a lot of judgement calls.

Luckily, when my A was drinking, he was extremely over protective and vigilant himself, but, even that could sometimes cause our son some anxiety. I think that being around an alcoholic parent all the time is very damaging to kids, in ways that are not upfront obvious in the moment.

When our A lived with us while drinking, which he did, off and on, I had very clear rules. If he did not abide by the rules, he was ejected from the home. Then, I finally wised up, and he was not allowed to come home until sober, as in, in recovery.

he did go to rehab, but is now unstable in other ways, and still only does visitation. He has lived with us since rehab, but, I still had to put him out, due to poor judgement on his part, emotionally.

I think it is wise to recognize that you probably have the better judgement of the two parents.

Full custody does not prohibit visitation, correct?
He would have to prove he was sober in order to drive them anywhere.

Just FYI, when I restricted his access to his son, and put him into child support, those were some of the things that lead him to his bottom. And he sought help.
Not that its been a joyride since, but, at least he is not lousy drunk.

married10 05-21-2012 08:04 AM

He is not dangerous in the physically abusive way.

But dangerous in the point that he will and has put the children in the vehicle with him as the driver, even mid divorce right in front of me he did it (I went and took child out of vehicle and had him ride with me)

He has a very extensive DUI record so I don't really have to do a lot of proving that this is a problem for him.

Thanks for your thoughts! and I too hope that this will be his bottom, not only for his children but for him too.

DaveVelasco 05-21-2012 09:21 AM

That a hard decision to make. Consider the safety first of the kids and know well if they are treated well on that side.

wicked 05-21-2012 09:34 AM


He has a very extensive DUI record so I don't really have to do a lot of proving that this is a problem for him.
Clearly, with a DUI record, he cannot be trusted to have the kids if he can drive anywhere.
I know this from personal experience. My ex convinced my children to lie to me about his drinking telling them I would never let him see them again. Of course, this was not true, I would just ask that he be supervised, and that meant no drinking for him.
If a drunk has keys and a vehicle, they will drive.
Sorry, I should clarify, every drunk I know, including myself, has driven drunk.
Kids or no kids. I am ashamed and very very lucky.
Don't give him the chance to hurt your children or anyone else.

Beth


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