djs78

So I don't really know how I landed in here, I just did. As I type this, I'm in bed with my two children well my husband stays up all night to drink a pint of vodka and possibly/probably smoke pot. This is a nightly occurance although the pot is new... Problem is, he functions, he isn't mean or violent just checked out, but then again so am I. Out of the marriage anyway. My kids I'm very much involved with. By the way I'm sober, I don't drink not counting an occassional glss of wine and no drugs. I just no longer know what to do. I don't think the kids realize anything yet they are 4 and 7. But the oldest is starting to think something I believe she keeps helping me. Either I hit the jack pot of 7 year olds or she's compensating. She made their lunches tonight and was trying to clean kitcken when I came back from food shopping. Is this normal? I don't ven know what is normal any more..any insight help tips etx. Are welcome.

Hopeworks

DJS78,

Welcome. Come back often. It will help you find "normal" again and there is comfort in sharing our story with others who understand because we also have been there ourselves.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and have spent a lifetime unraveling the hard wiring of a dysfunctional childhood. Our earliest experiences and memories are crucial to our development and understanding of what normal relationships are supposed to look and most importantly feel like. I USED to be attracted to emotionally unavailable addictive personalities... usually extremely bright, witty and good looking too. It always ended in disaster but I repeated the "pattern" over and over... It didn't take lots of therapy to unravel that the man I was attracted to was my dad... emotionally unavailable and addictive personality. I was "going home" over and over trying to make it finally work... the codependent traits that I have to work on all the time.

You are wise to consider the impact on your kids... they see and feel much more than we ever realize.

Have you considered alanon? It helped me enormously... along with this site.

More will be along with their experience, strength and hope.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason that landed you here. You have found a wonderful resourcef of information and support.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You are wise to consider the impact your AH (alcoholic husband)'s drinking is having on you and your children. Alcoholism is a family dis-ease and effects everyone.

I find a lot of wisdom in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this main forum page. One of my favorite stickies contains steps which helped me find normal while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to the stickie which helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Katiekate

HI , and welcome, I have to tell you when I was reading about what you wrote about your seven year old, tears started rolling down my face, I was that seven year old. Always wanting to help, tidy things up , keep them in order. It was a big job for such a little girl and there are many scars.

I dont' think my mom ever asked the question though, is it normal??? Your awareness is the first step in your daughters recovery. She is very lucky.

Hope to see you around more. Take good care. katie

dollydo

As a child living in an alcoholic enviornment i felt that I had to be an adult. My A mother certainly wasn't, I never had a childhood.

You are very wise to identify this, take some time to read around the Family & Friends section.

keep posting, it will help.

djs78

Thank you all for your kind words and insight. I feel much better knowing I'm not crazy ad it isn't normal. The ah thinks there is no issue and tells me I'm crazy and over reacting whenever I bring I up. And the worst part is ,he can almost fully convince me I'm over reacting, creating drama etc. So to hear from all of you that I am in fact sane help a lot.

OhBoy

My father was an A as well. Would just drink , pass out & checkout. Never mean. Never abusive. I took on many roles as a child trying to keep the family "together & functioning". I think it has a lot to do with why I married my AW. She is the same type of drunk as my father was. Right now it is extremely painful as I am reliving everything I went through when I was a child 25 years ago. The scars for me are mostly healed but will always be there. Alanon has helped me more than I can put into words. For me I would be still be living my my life in a completely unmanageable way. So sorry you & your daughters have to go through this, but there is a lot of support here. Keep posting!

dbh

Thank you for sharing.

I too applaud you for caring enough about your children to ask questions.

I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. I'm almost 50-years-old and am STILL dealing with the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home.

So many times spouses will post that their alcoholic is not violent and assume that this means their home isn't dangerous for their children.

Living with parent(s) that are emotionally unavailable has a HUGE affect on a child. Alcoholics are lost in a drunken haze and spouses are lost in thoughts of how to fix their alcoholics. Kids learn to keep quiet and not cause trouble. They learn to put their own needs last.

The unpredictability of the home also affects children. Children need consistency and alcoholics are not consistent. This often causes children to question/blame themselves.

I got tears in my eyes when I read about your daughter.

Children growing up in alcoholic homes often try to create order and try to please. When I was growing up, I kept trying to figure out how to fix my father and my family. It was a huge responsibility for a young child. I remember thinking that my childhood was over when I was 8!

Please continue to read/post. Have you looked into attending an Al-Anon meeting?

Thank you for letting me share.

db

djs78

I haven't done anything yet, to be 100% honest. I just realized when I walked in from food shopping that she had made lunches and was cleaning the kitchen, to help me that this can't possibly be norma. He wasn't drunk when I left, and I'm not positive once I got home but he was sitting up stairs playing video games while she took on my role, and it was like a slap in the face. Then I came here and now I guss comes the hard part of figuring out what's best for them and moving forward. I try and keep everything normal and stable for them. They have consistent routines, playdates, activities etc, but apparently they are noticing anyway.

changeschoices

No, it's probably not normal for a 7 year old to be spontaneously making lunches and cleaning the kitchen. My children are 11 and 13 and while they are good kids, they also have what I see as a healthy amount of selfishness. My goal is for them to be responsible for their things: clean their rooms, do their laundry, and do household chores in areas where they contribute to making the work. I.e., the teenager empties the dishwasher because she helps make dirty dishes, the 11 year old does pet care because she is the pet lover who wants pets.

Above and beyond that, I don't expect them to do anything except focus on their schoolwork and social development (learning about friendship, treating me and other adults properly, learning to work with their teachers to be successful in their schoolwork).

My AX lived with us for two years and did very little around the house/yard. And believe me, my kids noticed it. They did not help me out with the things that the AX should have been doing, nor should they have. But they did state quite clearly that they felt he wasn't doing enough around the house. Kids pick up on a lot!

Katiekate

djs, I applaud you for noticing what is happening to you and your children.

Love them , hold them, let them know that they are loved and that you care. It will really make a difference, comforting them is the greatest gift you can give them, and yourself.

There is a lot of info here on this forum, stuff to read, people who care and understand. It takes time, so be gentle and kind to yourself.

And share, we are here and we do care.

love to you Katie

Buffalo66

My son has a counselor. He has serious health issues, as well as everyday living stuff, but, he is able to talk about his fears. We address directly and reinforce his independent thinking about his father and I.

When his dad acts weird I make sure to tell him it is not him. He has a strong base of understanding that his fathers moods, or disconnection are his fathers responsibility, and that my frustration is mine, and that I am to handle that. He does not need to fix his dad, nor is he responsible for "buoying" my mood, or quelling my sadness.

He is pretty darned clear about stuff, but I have to say it is a lot of vigilance and work.

The therapist is very helpful. He has learned to express his worry, and it does seem that just saying a fear or concern out loud, being heard in a safe environment helps him to let it go, and he has a pretty carefree disposition.

You can give that to your kids.

My personal experience is that acting like everything is just fine is what creates the ACoA complex. It is the secrecy, the constant sense in a child, of KNOWING that something is not right, but no one addresses that is part of what causes the anxiety and clinginess... just a general sense of unsureness and distrust of the world, and the childs perceptions.

When we speak openly, within reason, and age appropriately, to the kids, they feel addressed. This alone can create a sense of clarity and a sense that they are not expected to keep any secrets or keep anything inside, fix things, or whatever.

Now my RASTBexH is sober, and he is still unsteady. We address this, as well. His mood swings are his, his to navigate and if he fails to connect or flat out lets son down, I make sure to bolster that that is his fathers choice, and his father loses. It is not about "You".

It took a while to get the language right, and now, at 7, our son knows what alcoholism is. Its not some heavy big word, or tense thing. We talk about it like diabetes, or if his dad has an anxiety issue, I address that, as well. He is really thriving, now.

Just some ideas. These have worked for us. Maybe consult a counselor, you can get free help for your kids by looking into community services.

witharealwinner

I swear you are living my life. My oldest dd, age 9, makes comments all the time about abf. She has not respect for him whatsoever. Just yesterday, I was out in my yard, moving our large dirt pile (by shovel). She asked if he helped...told her no and that he was napping. She says as she walks away, he's no man.

I have a counselor that speaks with my children at least 2x per week. I feel it helps them very much.