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Old 05-20-2012, 04:22 AM
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money matters

Hiya,

Since living with/leaving an alkie or drug addict can wreak havoc on a person's finances, I wonder if we'd like to share some resources for getting out of debt, saving, and otherwise getting in control of money:

Here are some resources I use:

1. Martin Lewis' Money Saving Expert Forum has lots of specific information and news. I can't recommend it enough.

2. The Motley Fool, for investment stuff

3. Charity Shops! I've become the charity shop queen.

4. Zapper.co.uk for old books and CDs

5. Making my own damn lunch and bringing coffee in a thermos! I get so lazy and buy coffees/lunches while out and that's a ridiculous amount of money just thrown away.

6. Buying in bulk, whenever possible, can take a lot of money off the grocery bill.

Anyone else want to share ideas or insights?
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Old 05-20-2012, 10:55 AM
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I have finally gotten in control of my money after living with a very financially irresponsible AH. I went along for the ride for decades, and then when I was 46 I ventured out to get what I thought was a job WAY over my head. Wound up getting it and also wound up getting promotions almost yearly, quadrupling my salary in 4 years.

The point is--you don't have to accept a place at the bottom of the barrel with a person ill-equipped to provide you with financial support.

Some of the books/resources that have been extremely helpful are:
  • Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover: The BEST--but I unfortunately do not have the marital unity that he stresses is critical in achieving Financial Peace. However, I feel good about where I am--was able to obliterate over 100k in debt in 2 years. I love DR because he suffers no fools and he'll come right out in his radio shows and call it as he sees it--which is so refreshing for someone like me who tends to justify and make excuses for people who don't pull their weight (like you-know-who). Great guy for codependents in other words.
  • All Your Worth: Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi
  • Your Money or Your Life: A classic
  • I also like old New Thought books: Books like Catherine Ponder "The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity." Kind of cheesy and outdated, but very uplifiting emotionally and spiritually--empowers you to put yourself mentally in a place that is just going to ensure you are prosperous.

So, it's really tough, but you can take your finances into your own hands.
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Old 05-20-2012, 07:02 PM
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free self help books online & free spiritual ebooks for prosperous living to download

I was led to this site by putting the dynamic laws of prosperity in my google bar.
there are spiritual and prosperity books.
good stuff. the books can be downloaded in a PDF file.

Thank you for leading me to this......
I need help to recover from a bankruptcy.
I have not been to court yet, I had to get my original ss card and my divorce decree.
Dont get that, but you do what they say.

I want to be able to lead my children in the right direction, obviously I do not handle money well since I am bankrupt. But, I am not ashamed of that, and I am teachable.


Beth
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Old 05-20-2012, 08:16 PM
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I also got a lot from Dave Ramsey. I was in the process of taking it (mainly me but exAH came for a couple) when everything went up in smoke.

The savings I had having done the program less than six months though allowed me to buy the house and have a place for me and the dogs to play.

I work for a big enough company to have in place someone hired by the company to help with our retirement package. He has been a great resource to me over the years.

I appreciate the other suggestions though and will look into them some more.
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Old 05-20-2012, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I want to be able to lead my children in the right direction, obviously I do not handle money well since I am bankrupt. But, I am not ashamed of that, and I am teachable.
Hey, if I'm teachable, you're teachable. I filed for bankruptcy (never went through with it) and we would have lost our home to foreclosure if my uncle hadn't stepped in and gotten us a Title-In-Lieu-of-Foreclosure... but either way we lost our house.

I was just thinking the other day when I came into the house after an errand about a reflexive habit I had in the old days--I would flick the light switch to see if the electric company had shut us off. We were always either in danger of losing phone or electric. We couldn't always afford gas. One time we pulled all our mattresses into the living room where we had a fireplace and slept there--we told the kids we were playing camp-out.

I don't believe I was bad at handling money. I think I was REALLY bad at living true to myself. I had a judgement against me from the public library, for Pete's sake. I am grateful every day for the blessings that came to me once I realized that I had a lot more power in my own life than I thought I did.

Thanks for the great website!
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:54 AM
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I like Dave Ramsey too!

Wicked, I hope you won't be angry at me but I have to share my deep scepticism about the the "dynamic laws" stuff. I like the basic optimism but they can veer into self-deception. I've encountered some long-time adherents of that New Thought/Think and Grow Rich pseudo-science and to be honest not one of them is actually doing well in life (one of them is my MOM). One could argue that they're just not thinking positively *enough* but...

Is there a free legal service sort of place in your hometown that can help you after bankruptcy? Some publicly-funded housing programs that will help you get a fresh start?

I used to work in public housing in the states, go ahead and PM me if I can be of any help.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post

I was just thinking the other day when I came into the house after an errand about a reflexive habit I had in the old days--I would flick the light switch to see if the electric company had shut us off.
God, I just had a flashback to living with my old partner. There's no other way to say it: he was a FOOL about money. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Listen to this: on our first date we stopped off at the pharmacy and he "forgot his wallet" and I paid for his prescription.

I could try to lay all the blame on him but honestly it was dumb of me to get sucked in and play along.
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Old 05-21-2012, 05:17 AM
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I agree with the prenup too.

I asked for one for my exAH when we got married (his family was very well off, and I did not want that interfering). It ended up hurting me however.

In the last few weeks I have gotten really angry at myself because it was such a codie move that I ended up almost losing everything. I have done a good job saving for retirement, I was the one that was responsible for all the bills etc. I live in a no fault community state so really would have been in trouble. I did end up paying some extra (for things like the dogs), so I could keep everything civil and not get into a big hoopla.

If I ever get married again a prenup will be to protect me, myself and I. Good self-care, not being selfish.
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Old 05-21-2012, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
I like Dave Ramsey too!

Wicked, I hope you won't be angry at me but I have to share my deep scepticism about the the "dynamic laws" stuff. I like the basic optimism but they can veer into self-deception. I've encountered some long-time adherents of that New Thought/Think and Grow Rich pseudo-science and to be honest not one of them is actually doing well in life (one of them is my MOM). One could argue that they're just not thinking positively *enough* but...
I use the law of attraction principles as a tool--not as a religion. One of the very first things that changed my life was my change of attitude--from one of "woe is me" to one of "let me just do the best I can within my own circle of influence." (Hmm. sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer) I also skip over the parts about using it to attract things, like BMWs. I simply use the affirmations and the principles of karmic law to unseat my own feelings of victimhood or negativity that I learned being around negativity. Changing my thinking has changed my future--and the Universe is a much friendlier place. I also attribute the 180 turnaround in my finances to books that have told me to expect more not only for but of myself

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves, they therefore remain bound.--James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
I simply use the affirmations and the principles of karmic law to unseat my own feelings of victimhood or negativity that I learned being around negativity. ..I also attribute the 180 turnaround in my finances to books that have told me to expect more not only for but of myself
Can't argue with that!
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:08 AM
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Thank you SOOO much for this post. Even though I left my AH a year ago, I still haven't bounded back. Of course, maybe it has something to do with the $5,000 in back rent and the more than $10,000 I had in savings when we first met, dwindled away. I now understand that I had a willingness to believe in his fantasy version of finances (it was SO much easier!), but I also realize that the damage caused (and I'm talking not just financial) is gonna need some outside help.
I will deifnitely check these sites out! Thanks for realizing this is such a common problem for many of us!
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:07 AM
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Dear looking4ward, what helped me in paying cc debt my ex left behind was going to my credit union and getting a loan to pay it off. It was a better rate of interest, and the credit union took payments from my paycheck. It was a great relief not to have to deal with the cheesy cc company anymore.
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