Getting a little foggy over here...
 

When I first left my ABF, and in fact in the month and a half that followed I often wished I had not left because it was so hard, but I had some clarity and felt that I was doing the right thing. His words after the fact were typical (I'm sorry, please come back) but they did not sway me. Now that I am almost at the two month mark and my time at my moms is almost up, I am starting to sway a bit. I have not found an apartment that I like, he has taken steps...baby steps but steps towards getting help and of course the begging and crying has continued. I believe he is feeling the consequences of his addiction, and while I think we still need more time apart for both our sakes, there is a little voice in my head that keeps chiming in and nudging me back to our apartment. I don't know why I am writing this...or what to do. I am so confused which is so frustrating because I was feeling so sure of myself. Maybe it's the fact that he has gone from blaming/begging/being annoying to just being plain pitiful. Ugh. I hate this.

I do not find it attractive, it's just more convincing than saying all the right things and then turning on a dime and blaming me when things don't go his way. The blaming has stopped...which is different. I don't believe his addiction is different or unique in any way, it just feels like maybe he is coming out of the stupor a little faster than I thought he would. At first he claimed not to remember much or if he admitted to anything there would be a defense in place to explain it away or blame it on me somehow. Now there just seems to be a lot of embarrassment, and vulnerability going on...I guess it was easier to be strong when I felt like there was nothing going on upstairs and he was acting like an ass. Maybe it's all manipulation, or maybe for once, he is getting it. Either way, I still need to work on myself, I just might not have a choice over where I do that work pretty soon. I love my moms place, it's in a great town and I couldn't have asked for a softer place to fall, but if I don't find a place soon I might have to go back. I have a time limit here, and my budget has not made an apartment search easy at all.

Krys, I feel for you, I really do.

One of the things I live by is this.

When you don't know what to do, do nothing.

IT has kept me from making some very bad decisions in the past.

Not sure if that is helpful.

Keeping you in my thoughts Katie

Keep searching. In my experience, just when we get to the completely discouraged point, something comes round.

I say this because in neither of your posts do I hear any enthusiasm about living with this guy again. That should be a huge red flag for you.

Hang in there. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you are doing the right thing.

Please don't go back for financial reasons, or convince yourself he has changed because he is acting different.
Have you heard any words about recovery?
Has he taken any action (which is what counts) to stop drinking?
Pitiful and begging is not attractive at all, and they make for powerful resentments later.
"Who does she think she is?"
I will be hoping for the best possible life for you.

Beth

I know it's not a good idea, and I know I deserve more...I guess I am just hopeful (foolishly) that things are getting better on his end, they certainly seem better, and discouraged by the apartment search. I spend at least 2 hours a day searching and either there is something horribly wrong with the place or it's gone before I can even see it in person. I never felt poor before, but now that I left and am dealing with a tiny budget on my own it is really hitting home. The stuff that is out there in my budget is just plain sad. So depressing!

So take an apartment you don't like. Just do it. It helps to get a pad and a pen and write about what he's like drunk. The crappy things he's done and said to you.

He's sorry? So has he gone to a rehab, is he in AA? Actions always speak louder than words, my dear.

Hi Krys,

In my long lifetime, I have been dirt poor living in a room above a garage without a kitchen and I have been rich living in a huge home with money to burn. I can tell you that where I lived and how much money I had really wasn't important.

What was important is how much internal happiness and peace was in my life.

I guess what we are telling you is to make your decisions based on the happiness and peace it will bring, not your budget.

Take care

Oh Krys...

After I left my XABF I went back SO many times while he was deep in addiction. On the "big" move out...I frantically found a room on Craigslist from a stranger. It was a far cry from the gorgeous home ON THE BEACH that he and I had lived in. It was a far cry from the delicious dinners, the weekend walks and watching the sun rise in the morning on the sand.

When I would get down...my mind would go to those places. I would think about how much the room was costing me....and I would go back.

And every time, my return was a big celebration. He would great me at the door with flowers, my old bathrobe, dinner on the stove. There would be lots of great sex and romantic moments. In a few days...it would ALL revert back....and back to my little rented room I would go.

I should have never repeated that cycle so many times. But I was irrational in pain and worry...and I did. I did a lot of damage to BOTH of us by going back.

The ONE thing that always separated that tiny, expensive, pitiful rental of mine from our gorgeous home....was SAFETY. Inside the confines of that meager rental I slept soundly, no one was there to scream at me.

Later I moved 4 hours away and I won't lie to you...there are days when I look at my bank account and worry. There are days where I see how small and paltry my apartment is and think, "God Red Candle, is THIS soooo much better?! You could be dipping your toes in the sand right now!!!"

But so far, nothing about him while he's drinking...or our old home and memories has ever been good enough compensation for the safety I feel here.

With that said, I still get very weak. I post on hear...and everyone sets me straight! They'll do the same for you.

Thank you RedCandle. The temptation for the familiar, especially my apartment gets the best of me sometimes, but so far I have been able to resist going back. Still no new apartment, but the way my head is feeling these days I don't think I should be making a decision on what kind of bread to use for a sandwich let alone where and with whom I should live. lol. Your story gives me hope, it takes a lot of strength to do what you have done...I hope I can be that strong. I am expecting either a very tearful or very angry scene when I do get my own place and have to move the rest of my stuff out. That's enough to stop me in my tracks some days, add everything you said about being out of your comfort zone and being financially strapped...kinda makes me wanna crawl under a rock!