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3 Month Cross Country Bender Ends... or does it?

Old 05-18-2012, 10:10 PM
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3 Month Cross Country Bender Ends... or does it?

It has been 3 months since my XA picked up a drink and I enforced my no alcohol boundary swiftly and threw him out and went NC. He flew to Vegas in a blackout and has been drinking and gambling ever since. In years past I would have rescued him and dried him out but this time was different ... I had been in recovery for the past year and half and my resolve was more the texture of steel than noodles and tears of the past.

For the past three months I have been coming to this website and reading, reading, reading and it kept me strong.

I read a thread tonight from a poster who shared how she didn't visit much because she felt posters were too harsh and even judgemental and I remembered when I first came here... a newbie. I thought some of the women on here were absolutely awful...so MEAN sometimes!

But I kept coming back and reading, reading, reading and my perspective started to change because it wasn't solely influenced by the addictive thinking of my A and my own warped codependant thinking. Those "meanies" on SR would hold up a mirror to bizarre behavior I normally would have accepted and minimalized and would ask the tough questions. Now... it wasn't me because I always read more than posted but I would see my situations over and over and over... our stories are so very similar.

So I kept coming back and reading and the days unfolded... and more was revealed. If you go back and read my posts I was giddy with delight because my A was in real recovery... and he was for brief periods. He was abstinent other times or he was in relapse and sometimes he was even in jail or rehab. But where ever he was I helicoptering right above him trying to run interference or put out fires or run his recovery.

In the past 4 years we tried everything. Christ centered rehabs, Secular rehabs, psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counseling, healing prayer, baclofen, topamax, naltrexone, campral, hypnotism. At one point he did 300 AA meetings in 5 months (he was in rehab and it got him out of the building).

So now he is in LA and is going to get sober and I am sure he is going to turn back into the sweet and loving man I used to love and he will try to woo me back into his web of alcoholism. But this time it is different... I no longer am under the spell of my codependency and fantasies.

He is going to rehab because the penthouses and platinum cards ran out and he ended up sleeping in a doorway. Everyone he knows went no contact. He has nowhwere else to go. He is sober because his body started rejecting the alcohol severely and he started throwing up violently (this is what happened last time he quit drinking).

Last time this happened I thought the inability to drink was a miracle. I thought the "psychic change" and experience with God was the sign that the alcoholic nightmare was over!

This time I am more like the "meanies" on here ... I am now cynical myself instead of a Pollyanna and giddy with delight that he is back in rehab.

Talk is cheap. He has shown me who he is and I believe him. It is his job to change himself if he wants to or not.

I will continue to pray for him and his precious children that he neglected while binging in Vegas but I am off the alcoholic crazy train for good. Glad he lived but we are just going to the next chapter in his life story... again... more will be revealed.

I am writing this so those of you who are new hear from someone who fanatically believed her A was going to be one of those who make it and because I smothered him with my help and interference I crippled him more than helped him.

Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. Had I set that standard 4 years ago I might be living on the beach instead of playing golf tomorrow. (He wanted to move to a golf community because he is a golf fanatic and I wanted to live on the coast because I am beach/boat fanatic... we moved to a golf community and he relapses 2 weeks later! I didn't play golf but I do NOW... lemonade out of lemons).

My ESH...Listen to all of the voices even the ones that seem a bit harsh and then seek out your Higher Power... ask for the truth to be revealed and for you to have the strength to do what is best for YOU and for A... even if it hurts. Determine your boundaries and then stick to them.

And to all of you posters out there who have a rep for being tough love and known for straight talk... don't stop doing what you do.

Thanks... you all helped me so very much... and say a prayer for my XnowapparentlyRA... he needs it.
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Old 05-18-2012, 11:18 PM
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Thank you for your story. It's very powerful.
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Old 05-19-2012, 12:03 AM
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Hopeworks,

As EnglishGarden said: your story is very powerful. So powerful, I spent a couple hours reading all your past posts since you have been here longer than me.

I don't know what to say except that you are an incredible person with a strength and determination that blows me away. I'm speechless with awe. I'm not saying that to impress you or anyone else; I'm speechless in awe by your struggle and how hard you fought to get to where you are today. Your story is honest and comes from your heart.

You are truly a role model and I hope someday to find that same inner strength you have. Thank you....YOU have helped me so much. Please accept a heartfelt (((hug)))
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:32 AM
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Isn't recovery great? You are a shining example of what can be accomplished by working a strong program.
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:14 AM
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We talk a lot about the deep denial in the addict, but when faced with our own, its hard to let it go, and we too defend it. Until it can't be defended anymore.

You sound great today, hopeworks. Thanks for sharing your story here. I am sure there are many others out there reading this today who will be touched by your words.
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:22 AM
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What a powerful post. Thanks you so much for sharing.

Like you, I went through every form of recovery with my EXABF and nothing worked for him. Relapse followed relapse. I was consumed by the magical thinking that my love for him would get him sober. I moved cross country, thinking that my presence would be the catalyst to stop drinking. His family had deserted him and for quite a while, I blamed them for treating him that way.

I read every book I could get my hands on and began to understand the progressive nature of the disease along with Co-Dependent No more, and saw just how sick I was.

I had started going to Al-Anon and while things (for me) didn't change at first, slowly, my thinking changed and when I put the focus on me, that's when I began to come out of the fog of denial. It was the "tough love" from a sponsor, reading posts on SR, again, in the tough love category that helped me the most.

I needed that reality check to see what I was allowing to happen. I began to see why he was estranged from his family when I heard sharings in Al-Anon on what alcoholism does to a family.

Long story short, I got off of the crazy train last year and haven't looked back. It's not been an easy year for me-there have been many times I wanted to lift the phone, visit him to see how he is doing. But, I kept coming back to SR, going to my meetings and realizing that I didn't want to go to that place anymore. It's up to him to live his life the way he wants. I have faced my own challenges but they have been ones I have been able to work through-they have a resolution and what has helped me, is having a program and people who listen and who care enough to give me that reality check when I need it.
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Old 05-19-2012, 02:15 PM
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Thank you so much Hope, I read it twice.

It gave me goosebumps.

love to you Katie
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:23 PM
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A post about real courage and strength, thank you so much for writing it. I believe what's at the heart of addiction/co-dependency is low self esteem and the hard part is we have to take some major actions we don't want to take. It's scary. But taking these actions -- as you have -- is what builds self-esteem, which is reflected in your post. Someone told me once to compare myself to myself (instead of others). You've grown so much and it's wonderful that you share it.

God bless!
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:20 PM
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Here is todays update:

It was a glorious breezy day in Florida and I spent the morning playing golf with my girlfriends and had my best game ever! Then we went out to lunch and spent the afternoon shopping and tonight I went dancing with friends.

And the A... he tried to call but I didn't answer and then informed the rehab that I wanted NC. He is already quacking that he wants to go to a 3 day detox instead of a long term residential program... I told the rehab director that he can do whatever he wants just don't call me.

How did that song go? I am strong... I am invincible... I am woman. Actually I am just totally fed up and disgusted and life it too GOOD and too SHORT to waste on an A who refuses to do the right things in order to stay on track.

So... more will be revealed and I hopefully will continue to improve my golf swing!
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:30 PM
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Hopeworks, ***** on your best golf game ever!

You are a superstar, what an inspiring post.
Thank you for sharing your journey here.
It has helped me tremendously.

Beth
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