Anon12

Feeling guilty and welcome some support - I came home the other day and found my ABF, soon to be ex who is moving out, crying over the fact we were splitting up. It is his own fault, I know, but I also know he has no support network at all. His brother has a drink problem, his parents have detachment down to a fine art and not just because of his problems, they aren't the warmest. He doesn't have any close male friends - he lost touch with several friends when he was unemployed as he was embarassed and kept wanting to meet up with people once he was sorted.

He is a very sociable guy, all my friends love him but he doesn't really have anyone except me and now we're splitting up. I'm not doubting my decision and I know he is capable of making friends, I just feel bad that while my friends cheer me up and tell me it will all work out for the best, who is doing that for him?

Rereading the above, I feel pathetic but I still love the guy and as selfish as he has become through his drinking, he isn't a bad person.

suki44883

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is something you feel when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong. What you feel for him sounds more like pity, and it is sad that a grown man has nothing and no one. Maybe losing the only person who truly cares about him will cause him to make some changes. Then again, maybe not. His life is his to live and you life is yours.

Anon12

You're right - guilt is the wrong word. I often suggested he pursue a hobby or do something where he could meet like minded people as I felt too responsible for his social life but he never did. I guess, like his drinking, I was getting too involved in his life. I just feel sad for him and worry without a friend he will sink lower.

lillamy

That statement is in the instruction booklet for codependents, under "things we say to ourselves when we're almost ready to make choices that are good for us for once."

My AXH was the same way. He had no social life outside of me and the kids. Sure, there were fancy dinners and stuff his job required him to go to; he had to "represent" and go golfing with clients, etc -- but he had no friends. Zero. None.

FFWD till two years after I left and you know what? He's actually built himself a support network. He put himself out there and got to know new people and has dinner at people's houses and has people over to his house for dinner... goes on weekend trips with his friends, etc.

I spent so much unnecessary time wondering about what would happen and would he just sit around the house and be lonely and miserable if I left.

Turns out, he's got a richer social life than I do...

Anon12

Thanks, that makes me feel better. I'm still struggling with difference between looking after myself and being selfish and caring about someone and codependency...

Spes

You're not alone; I struggle with this every day. It is my hope that reading all the stories of everyone here who are so kind to share their stories that the struggle will get a bit easier.

I think it's a tough thing to try to define where that line is that differentiates between our inherently caring self and being codependent.

I hear what you are saying and I truly wish you well.

Dreamless

Anon, sorry I don't know the history behind this but is there a way for you to spilt up as a couple but continue to support him as a friend?

changeschoices

If you can stay friends with him without doing for him what he can do for himself, maybe that's an option. But the fact that he has no other support is something that he has to work on himself. As adults, we all have to create our own lives, whether they are rich or impoverished in terms of friendship and support. Give him the opportunity to think about his priorities and try to build the life he needs.

Wascally Wabbit

My x was a really great guy. I loved him to pieces. He wound up having a lot of medical problems and got addicted to drugs, lost his high paying job, sat around doing nothing and stayed doped up.

To make a long story short, I had to get out of there and away from this atmosphere of drugs and everything that came with it.

I had to do it for myself. He didn't think he had a problem. But, when I left, I did feel very bad for him. Who would he have but me? He'd lost all his friends.

Well, he's still alive and still drugging. His choice. I on the other hand had to break it off completely and all at once or I would still be drawn into the drama.
It's funny how they do manage without us.

Anon12

Im still in love with him so I'm wary being in contact may be confusing for us both and prevent me from moving on. I said I didn't want to see him unless he had been sober for a year as I thought we both needed space - me to work on myself and him to hopefully sort himself out, although that may not happen.

I would like to be his friend but don't know how i would do that and protect myself?